Should I Take Back Clothing I Gave to DD to Look Through...

[RockinHippy]

Probably more of a AIBU but severe lack of sleep means I can't find it.

Yesterday morning I gave my Teen DD a bag of my old stuff I found in an attic clear out, bikinis, nice underwear, much of it never worn, tops etc etc. I said to have a look through it & to let me know if she wanted any of it. She took stuff without saying a word, no thank you or anything p. The only way I knew she liked any of it was because she was wearing a top around the house & I saw a SM post where she was raving to her friends about the cool new vintage hand me downs I'd given her.

She is being beyond vile to me. This isn't a new thing & comes in waves. I've realised that basically the more I try & interact with her the more vile she is. Cold, calm & very, very cutting, nasty & smacks of emotional abuse. As you can guess, lock down is great fun & after her laying into me last night had me I tears where she was the laughing & telling me how much I disgust her as I do pathetic. I'm not a cryer & she's rarely seen me cry, so that hurt. Lots more, gaslighting me regularly & telling DH a different version of events.

DH is about as much good as a wet fart when it comes to any kind of discipline & always had been, had his excuses when she was small, which don't wash now she's bigger than I am. He's constant playing devils advocate & taking her side & believes her version that I must have misheard what she said, when I absolutely didn't. She's majoring in Psychology & I'm frequently psychoanalysed & told my mental flaws in the nastiest way she can, using my poor relationship with my own Narc DM to back up what she calls me etc etc.

So as you can imagine lockdown is great fun here & I'm at breaking point. I feel for her as in its very difficult for her & I know there's lots of layers to this behaviour & I want to support her, but how can I just let her vile behaviour towards me go, which DH thinks I should & we are arguing too. She enjoys us arguing & has told me that she hopes we split up, so she can "get rid of me fir good & stay with dad"

After giving her the bag of stuff, she set about me again last night & told me very calmly when I asked how we could sort this mess out as locked up together & this behaviour is no good to any of us & what have I done to make her hate me so much. I was told very nastily"I just despise everything about you, that just how it is & I'll be glad when you have gone" along with a lot more vileness

I want to take the bag of stuff back, some of it was expensive items & I regret giving it to her when she treats me like this. I think letting her keep it says she can do what she likes without consequences. DH says not to as it'll just make the situation worse & we don't want her running away --his new excuse fir doing fuck all parenting

-- So I'm asking here - WWYD

She's a total bitch and you and your husband are allowing it. What consequences are there for her behaviour?

Take everything back and go nothing for her. I'm willing to bet she lets you do her or cook her meals even though she despises you ?

Pfft. F that ! You match in there and take not only the bag of clothes but any phone / computer / tv / what not that YOUVE paid for / provided !
She can earn it back by showing some bloody respect !
Little madam ! Put your foot down OP, hopefully your husband follows suit but if not, carry on and don't let her take the piss out of you !
Bragging on social media then treating her mum like shit ? Erm NAH !!!
Xx

wow that’s a whole new level of teenage nastiness, you must be incredibly hurt by this. How old is she? I’d agree with PP about doing nothing for her.

Apart from your DD, it sounds like you also have a DH problem.

Tell her as soon as lock down is over she can move out. (Along with useless DH)

My Dd1 was exactly the same way at that age. Infact she has only really improved in the last couple years and shes now 22
She was totally evil to me, it was easier just not to talk to her. Stopped communicating when she was about 14 and started again when she was 18. For such a tiny little individual the chaos she could cause in the home was unbelievable. She was horrid to everyone in the house but specially me.
I have hide of a rhino and she never saw me cry but by god she made me cry often. Then we would get to where Id pull her up on something and it would all go tits up from there with shouting, it was so much easier just to speak to her when I had to and not unless. I did nothing for her unless asked specifically and generally ignored her.
She did turn out ok in the end but it was awful for a few years

How old is she, she sounds awful. I would stop doing anything for her, no more paying her phone bill, no lifts, nothing until she bucks her ideas up.

Sorry, I'm trying to work too - I swear she's reacting to my doing something for myself as she's been extra bad since I took this job on, but who knows.

I'll reply properly later, but yes, DH is getting his ass kicked big time as I've had enough of his wet weekend form of discipline.

To answer the question she's 17, which might be useful if DH doesn't buck his ideas up as 18 isn't so far away & he won't have a leg to stand in in divorce proceedings & property split, which I've just reminded him of

Thanks fir the replies

How old us your teen dd?

We went through absolute hell with our youngest. All that you describe and unfortunately far worse. It completely screwed me up for a long time, and I’m still a mess. She’s nearly 19 now and moved out over a year ago. She calls me all the time and tells me how much she loves me, and that I’m her favourite person, and of course I’ve forgiven her, but I haven’t forgotten.

She’s living on her own during this lockdown, a walkable distance from us, and says most days she’s going to move back in for a while. I don’t say anything, but the idea terrifies me.

I really really feel for you. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it can begin to imagine how it feels. I can remember people telling me to do this and do that, so I’m not going to do that to you, but if she’s an older teen you can always tell her, in no uncertain terms, where the door is. You’ll fear that you’ve lost her forever, but you won’t have.

She’s vile to you because she knows that whatever she does and says, you’ll still love her. No one else in the world loves her that much. If you can possibly manage it, aim to be cool or even cold with her. I tried to do that so much with my daughter, but it’s impossible if you’re not that kind of person.

Feel free to message me if you need to rant. I felt like I was on my own during the bad years, and would be very happy to support you through this

I would record her, that's what I would do. Without her knowing. Catch what I could. Save it up then play it in front of husband and demand he takes it seriously or I'm done with them both.

I lived alone from 16, she is old enough to know better and if she isn't happy she can leave.

I lived in a hostel and then got my own flat at 18.

THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER! Gosh you sound not very kind to her.
You gave her some stuff, just say ' hey did you like it then?'

@Sambamamba did you actually read any of the OP?

THIS IS HER MOTHER! &sambamamba

OP I think I would practice 'social distancing' with her, every time she speaks to you in a way you dont like, walk away from her and ignore, ignore, ignore she is behaving really badly and frankly if my dd spoke to me like that she would have had her face slapped. btw, I would also point out to your dh that at 17, its not 'running away' its leaving home and sorting yourself out. she wont do that of course, there is no where for her to go, no friends parents will want her in the house right now, as I would be pointing out to her.

My 17yo DD has been vile to me on and off for months but nothing as bad as you've had! She's down her fathers at the mo but has been vile to me via text and FaceTime. So I ignored her for a week. She FaceTimed me this morning all nice as anything! I'm hoping she'll grow out of it. Doesn't help that her 'D'F is a nasty piece of work and whilst he doesn't encourage it, he does nothing to stop it.

I think if you can get your DH to support you it may help.

Honest opinion op? You gave your teenager some things from an attic clear out? Doesn't matter how expensive this stuff was originally I can't imagine it's particularly on trend now ...especially for a teen. I have things in my wardrobe I haven't worn for a while and probably will never wear again but put off sorting and moving it on because too good ...was really expensive if you know what I mean. If I've transferred it to the attic I am definitely not wearing it again.

So in these housebound days you sorted your attic and gave it to your daughter... that's nice but I wouldn't be expecting excitement and gratitude. She's wearing one of the tops ..good ...but I wonder if she's bigging it up to her friends as 'retro' to make mum's cast offs sound cool? It's a challenging time at the moment being on top of each other but seriously ...if you had passed this stuff onto a friend would you have expected excitement and gratitude? I would cool it and maybe arrange a cheap shopping trip ...cheap stuff will do ...for some new stuff of her own choice. A bit of mum/daughter bonding will be lovely when this awful time is over

Fuck that.

I'd left home by 17 and wouldn't have dreamed of talking to anyone like that never mind my own mother and my mother was emotionally abusive and deserved to be spoken to like that

Stop treating her like a child, she isn't a child. In circumstances other than a lockdown I'd tell you to put her on notice that she had two weeks to adjust her attitude towards you or she would be not living there anymore.

She doesn't need to like you but she has to have the basic fucking human decency to behave in a respectful way because you both have to share a space together.

THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER! Gosh you sound not very kind to her

Are you kidding??? Did you actually read the full OP?

It sounds like she is becoming between your oh and you. I would def discuss with you oh, but also don,t let her get to you. My mum and sis arqued a lot. One reason is neither wanted to back down, neither wold admit there wrong they areboth quite a like. As they got older they realised this and mysister grew out of being a tean. Which at 17 they are.

I wouldn't like to be one of her psychology clients, I'll tell you that much. She's studying in a field where you have to be, fundamentally, a good person. She isnt. Stop letting her walk all over you. Throw her out! As soon as she's 18, kick her out and she takes nothing with her that you've paid for. She'll be back with her tail between her legs in a week.

Thanks everyone. I've had an absolute terrible day with her since posting. There is a lot more to this, which I posted under a name chance some time back. but I'm still struggling to get to the bottom of it all. It's a mess, she's a mess & I am the punch bag fir all of it. I was supposed to be working & have git nothing done & I'm now sitting here shaking & in tears yet again.

I've managed to get some recordings, though she wasn't in full flow & I'm pretty sure she knew I was recording as she kept looking at my phone. DH does believe me, he just sits on the fence a lot of the time & doesn't properly step up to deal with her bad attitude in that he never raises his voice or is firm enough with her when he tells her she needs to be nicer to me, leaving her to believe that he's on her side.

She's clearly really hurting & I'm really scared as she's accused me of abuse, tells me that she has 10 adults in college, including her counsellor who believe I'm an abuser & they've even offered her a safe house. I'm really not, it hurts so much to be accused of that as she's had some serious health issues & ive ran myself into the ground to support & be there fir her to the detriment of my own health. She has twisted memories of things that happened & her version would be abusive, but it didn't happen that way. I've tried fir hours to talk to her calmly & got nowhere other than hurting myself further & her hysterical. She loathes me & has said that until I own up to abuse that didn't happen, there is no fixing this.

She has said that her counsellor picked up on PTSD, which I agree she does have as she's had some awful experiences with her health & poor medical treatment. Only she says the counsellor-saw in her childhood abuse & she's made her see that's what happened to her & even considered her fir a safe house as they feel she's not safe at home. I don't know what to think or believe anymore & it's beyond nastiness into the realms of very scary & I fear for her. I know there was counsellor concern as it was flagged on parent portal, which made me feel like no matter what I say or do I look guilty. I did email them a while back, but just by way of saying we were concerned, worried the counselling was having a negative impact on her, as the abuse accusations started then, let them know there's a query over very likely Aspergers & severe PMT & could I have a contact. They've shown her the email, though again she's twisted what's in it to be far worse & sees it as my trying to stop her getting help. I'm trying to be strong but I've literally given up my life, my career & everything fir her as she was ill & needed me. I wouldn't have had in any other way, but I'm accused of things I just haven't done & just don't know what to do. How could she know of the email if the counsellor didn't read it too her. But why would a counsellor do that as surely it's going to make things worse for us. I feel guilty & I swear I've never abused her in anyway. It's tge other way around & yet she believes it

Shining, what the clothes were isn't really relevant, as it's her attitude
, I didn't expect flag waving thanks, but an acknowledgment that she was taking some of the things would have been nice. That said they are pieces that still have value as they are vintage high end brands dug as JOG, Vollers, R&P etc (I was in the trade) so would still make money if sold

JPG, nit jog