I was also abused as a DC, so trust me this hurts like nothing has ever hurt before as I would never do that to her.
DH has made her show her phone & the texts to her counsellor are real. Only she's text that I've thrown her out. I haven't. I said we had to find a way to fix this as we can't go on this way as it's making us both ill & if she won't engage with that, which she has said, then there is no way forward & she will have to leave.
I'm posting a copy of my otter post which should answer your questions. She's in a high risk virus group & she's now planning to leave. I am so scared
....
Name changed to protect DD as I'm not that secretive usually, Pom bears, niece ham, penis beaker etc
Please be gentle I am on my absolute last knee blubbering wreck & don't know where to turn as even with DH here I feel I have no one I can speak to. I'm not even fully sure I know how to explain it all. Bar DD hates me & is imagining things I do & say & my reasons for it that are miles from the actual truth. She is manipulative with DH, so he only ever sees tears from her & not the constant quiet manipulative abuse & accusations I'm getting from her. There's a lot to explain & I stuck with drip feeding, or writing a novel.
DD is just 17, with significant health problems & likely Aspergers. Not diagnosed due to failing system & still waiting for yet another assessment to come though. GP agrees as it's linked to her other diagnosis. She is very high functioning, but struggles with Anxiety, SPD etc. I'm mentioned this incase someone knows if this has any baring in current behaviour, as she is really scaring me. It also means she needs a lot of support, which where as she's always been grateful, she seems very very angry about now. Suddenly hissing me that she will,do things for herself as she doesn’t need me & it’s none of my business, yet she usually struggles to cope. I would love nothing more for her to be independent as I do struggle to cope, but of course I put her needs first & just get on with it. This is why it’s so strange & hurtful that she’s accusing me of being controlling by helping her.
She has also recently been sexually assaulted, which trying to have her acknowledge what happened was an assault & to consider reporting it, has opened up a can of worms with her screaming at me that it's no big deal as she's had far worse happen & then implied she has been raped. She then clammed up. I think this is the crux of it, but I don't know as she then also screams at me at other times that it's made her stronger & she takes no crap anymore, so she is fine. I'm not seeing that, I seeing angry, hurt & lasting out, but it's the cold, manipulative anger towards me that makes it really hard to focus on that. I'm also very ill myself, more so at the moment with some extra scary stuff going on for me. Even that scares me, as I don't want her to have to live with herself for having treat me so badly if for any reason I don't make it, which isn’t an over reaction, though she knows nothing of that. Yet the thought of lights out, it having to deal with this anymore feels scarily alluring & I’m scared by that thought & feel such a failure for not coping better .
I've been concerned something was wrong for some time, it was hard to put my finger on & DH thought I was being ott & she's just being a teen. Mothers instinct & all that. I felt she was self harming in a weird way. She takes an array of supplements that help her medical conditions, some on medical advice, some we've worked out help her symptoms. She knows they help & has been taking them for years. She needs nagging to take them, as her diagnosis means she can be really forgetful & can forget even when put in her hand. In the last few months I've found these pills in her pockets when doing the laundry & in dishes, or even cups around her room. We tackled her & she owned up to deliberately hiding them & avoiding taking them, but doesn't know why. We've noticed as some help with mood swings, period troubles etc & she has been more ill & quite frankly really vile without them.
She also has intolerances & a now minor allergy, so needs to avoid certain foods & drinks & generally eat healthy due to quite a restrictive diet as she's vegetarian too. Because of this I've cooked from scratch for her since day one. She's using an allowance to buy absolute crap, things she knows she shouldn't eat & have no nutritional value at all then leaving healthy meals I cook for her & this is also affecting her health.
The next bit is so hard to explain, as I'm sure on the surface it looks like I'm over reacting, but it's just an ongoing negative attitude towards me. Manipulative to make it look to her dad that I'm the problem as she pushes me to react by quietly being very hurtful. Things like telling me that she is going to counselling, but so she can talk about what an abusive controlling mum she has & how much the counsellor agrees. She also throws in my face my years of my fighting for her medical needs with doctors & accusations of FII from one doctor as proof I'm controlling & it's already on her medical records. That hurts so much as she was so ill, I was literally fighting fir her life, at the expense of my own health & I was proven right in the end & the treatment I fought so hard for made a huge difference to her health & still does. She’s also constantly very restless & cant just relax at home anymore, has o occupy her mind. Which I feel mans she isn’t coping at all.
She has a friend living independently who was rehoused because of an abusive family situation & sometimes it feels like that's what DD wants & is manipulating a situation. I'm not sure anymore who she is. I've caught her bitching & tbh bullying certain boys as a bit of fun with her newer friends. DD was never that sort of girl, quite the opposite & she's been the victim of social bullying herself, so knows too well what it is.
She studies psychology & uses it to great effect as a stick to beat me with. Never shouting, always so cold & nasty when she does it. Takes food I cook & leaves it, even if cooked specify fir her & seems to enjoy telling me what was wrong it’s it. Generally just constant, quiet put downs that are taking their toll as I’m physically so run down. I'm a failure as a mother & she enjoys telling me exactly how. The scary thing being that if she was a DP, she'd be emotionally abusive, because that's exactly how it feels, but she tells me Im the abuser. It’s been going on for so long I realise I feel really broken
She won't visit my 84 year old dad with me, has made excuses for the last year not to go. Difficult family situation as my DB is the golden boy Narc & since he has gone NC with me & DF, things have been much much better & DF is ill & lonely & idolises DD, so I’m embarrassed to go without her, but can’t explain to DF & I’m not well enough to travel alone, but DH can’t due to work commitment & we don’t trust leaving her at home alone right now.
New boy involved who were really don't approve of, but mainly because he's already treat her badly & she’s justified it to herself when we saw how hurt she was by what he did. She's insisting that I give her my blessing, which I've said than neither I nor DH can do as we'd be lying. She's had other BFs we didn't approve of we were more than right unfortunately but never insisted that I give her my blessing as she is now. In her head, this is all because I'm controlling & choosing her boyfriends & that's why she hates me. We don't really think she's in a head place to complicate things with another unsuitable boy, but we accept that's her choice. She now tells me than an ex that we did make welcome hit her when she refused sex with him. Insists she told me before, but didn’t & has now she said blames me for making him welcome.
Tonight she’s ran away, she’s never ignored us before like she did & from things said tonight it feels as if she thinks her college counsellor has told her to stand up to us more. She has a lot of freedom, more than most as she’s always been so sensible, so this isn’t reality. I did contact her friends DM & she sent her home, but she didn’t come home & went to another friends house. We feel she’s too vulnerable right now to be sharing a bed with a male friend who’s obviously doted in her for years. DH has now driven to get her & is bringing her home so long as I’m not around. I suspect hormones at play too as she can be very irrational, paranoid & angry ahead of her period, especially if she’s been skipping supplements again.
Sorry I’m rambling, I’m ashamed I can’t cope & feel so scared that she’s painting me as this evil witch to everyone else, something she’s done with her friends fir years. But now seems to believe it herself. That hurts & im not coping & I feel broken that some dirty bastard did this too her & I’m being punished fir it, but I don’t know how to get through to her. I don’t even know if I’m making sense.
Any advise or insight gratefully received