What do you make of people who never ask questions in a conversation?

[Giantleap]

Like many people I've been texting a lot more than usual recently, checking in with people and seeing how they're doing. I'm the kind of person who tends to be more of a listener than a talker and I tend to ask a lot of questions of the person I'm talking to, like how X is doing, how they're feeling, what happened with the thing they mentioned previously etc. I like to remember details and ask how those things are going but I've noticed some people rarely reciprocate by asking questions at all about how I'm doing or remember anything I've mentioned previously.

Does this mean they're just not interested/find the conversation boring? They seem happy to share details but I'm not really sure where the conversation can go if they don't ask any questions - I feel if I volunteer information they might not be interested, which is why they haven't asked in the first place! I worry that by not asking any questions at all they're trying to just shut down the conversation or indicate their lack of interest, or is it just that some people expect others to just volunteer information about themselves without being prompted?

It might be that they're not very skilled in this part of conversation. I was one of those people who would never ask questions (because my mum had taught me it was rude to ask too many questions).

It wasn't until after several awkward years as a young adult that someone explained to me about making good conversation, including asking the other person about themselves.

Depends what they're used to. Growing up, no one asked questions. Everyone was a talker, so people just interjected with their own anecdotes/ideas whenever the speaker paused for breath (and sometimes even if they didn't!) It's a hard habit to break. Sometimes, I realise that the person I've been speaking to hasn't said much and have to intentionally ask them things.

Ooh I could have written wanderings post. I was brought up not to ask questions and it’s still something I struggle with as an adult.

Depends really, if they keep the convo going then I think it’s ok

That said, I know someone who asks zero questions and when I stopped asking her them then the conversation died entirely. For about 6 months.

Yeah, I'm never really sure how to interpret it when they don't ask questions and it feels like the conversation just stalls. It makes me feel pretty boring and like they're not interested in me but it's interesting to read the above reasons why some people might not ask anything.

It also feels like there's a bit of a power imbalance in a conversation when one person is showing interest by asking questions and the other doesn't at all.

I guess some of it is a lack of interest. I will ask questions if someone says something genuinely interesting that I want to know more about. But if you're talking about mundane stuff, I may let it pass without further enquiry. It's not a conscious thought process though. And I am absolutely rubbish at remembering stuff about people.

IMO it’s rude.

These people have no interest in you and just talk about themselves.

Does this mean they're just not interested/find the conversation boring? They seem happy to share details but I'm not really sure where the conversation can go if they don't ask any questions - I feel if I volunteer information they might not be interested, which is why they haven't asked in the first place!

I had the same as wanderings and nowmorethanever. I was brought that simple “how are you / how did x go for you?” is fine but going too much further with questions is rude and nosy. I think the word “impertinent” may also have been used. Instead, you tell the person something about you, which is an invitation for them to respond with something about them, but it doesn’t oblige them to.

I’m getting better at not doing that, but it’s still the default. As this post and probably most of my MN history shows

So if you and me talk, you’ll think I don’t want to talk to you because I’m not asking questions, and I’ll think you don’t want to talk to me because you don’t pick up any of my starting points.

Does that help at all OP?

I think it demonstrates selfishness.

Somebody told me some people are transmitters and some receivers, if we're lucky we find a balance and have a reciprocal conversation.

Unfortunately I've met enough people where I feel like I've asked questions, taken an interest in responses and ask further questions, yet get no questions back. It's frustrating, though I'd much rather have somebody's life story than minimal responses to questions.

Does this mean they're just not interested/find the conversation boring?

No, it means that they are uninteresting and boring.

I say this as an experienced conversational heavy lifter with a long history of listening to boring bastards of all genders banging on about ME ME ME ME and never showing a flicker of interest in the other person, whilst remaining convinced that their word vomit is fascinating.

I can talk shit for hours and used to waffle a lot. I've learnt to ask a lot more questions now and be a much better listener. Because I can always listen to my own waffle, and other people are really interesting. I fucking love hearing about other people's experiences and anecdotes. I love it when somebody is excited about learning something and hear them talk about it (even if I already know about it myself, hearing people describe things in new ways with enthusiasm is always joyful). I love people who talk more than I do and are good story tellers. I hate it when people don't give a shit what I have to say at all, but I don't mind being interrupted. I've got some awesome stories of my own, but I know them. And I'm not so arrogant as to think that other people need to hear them. But I like to have a bit is mutual exchange too so it's not completely one sided. I ask lots of questions but if it's turning out like an interrogation I will switch tack and mention some news or gossip. I don't think people are either transmitters or receivers. I hope I am both and I have some friends who I feel are the same. I do try and bring people out of their shell I guess because I've gone through periods of bad anxiety and I know the benefits of a good conversation. But I don't pry or dig. Boundaries are important. There are some cards I keep closer to my chest too and that's cool. I used to think you had to bare your soul to be friends with somebody, but it's not true. You just have to share some bits of yourself and find a place to relate to one another.

I'm so lonely I miss talking to other adults, sorry. Not the same on the phone at all.

The worst is when they reply with a singular 'ok' or a 'smiley face' seriously!!! Dead end convo

My paternal Auntie is one of those people and has been judged for it massively by so many people over the years.

She had an abusive father and was brought up to be "seen and not heard" as well as being "less than" in terms of right to an opinion for being female

She literally never learned how to make conversation

So many people think she is haughty, ignorant or rude. She really isn't. She is TERRIFIED of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone. Her sons ex tore strips off her once, because she didn't get it, so her attempts not to upset anyone fail because they think she isnt trying.

I went on a couple of dates with a guy. I was getting selfish vibes off him so gently broke it off.
He got back in touch and we messaged a few times. I asked how he was and he gave me a paragraph about himself. He didnt ask a single question back. Not even how are you.
Needless to say, I never messaged him again.

I'm autistic, and find it easier to answer (direct/specific) questions than think of some myself. I might be interested in the other person, but just have no idea what to ask them (and spouting learned lists of them seems insincere). So sometimes I say that, to prompt them to tell me about themselves.

If this is all happening by text message, that’s entirely different to a face to face conversation. I don’t have the time or inclination to answer a lot of questions via text at the moment — checking in is fine, but I’m up the walls.

These people have no interest in you and just talk about themselves

Some people don't even talk about themselves. I joined a Meet Up group recently - and there are some people who do struggle with conversation. You can try to engage them in conversation, ask them things about themselves and they tell you - but they struggle to follow up themselves with conversation back.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I've had this with quite a few men too, and it straight away makes me think they aren't interested and are trying to send that message - or they're just selfish!

I agree with the pp who stated it demonstrates selfishness- it's very true alot are so trapped in their own thinking they really don't think (or care) to ask questions about how others are, what they've been up to etc....

Shame really, sign of the times maybe. Let's hope something positive comes out of this situation right now and we genuinely start to think of others.

It makes me feel quite uninteresting as a person - it happened at work quite a bit too, I'd often ask how people's weekends were and they would give me a long spiel about what they got up to but not ask the same of me.

To a lesser degree I also feel this way about people who take ages to reply to messages. Some friends I know are just quite scatter-brained/genuinely really busy people but with some it does feel like they just can't be bothered, especially when you see they're often online or posting on social media but don't reply to a message!

Just as an experiment OP, have you tried not asking? See if they 'role reverse'.

Because a lot of people do this, if you are interested in people and ask them questions and actually listen, they really respond to it and enjoy talking to you - and seem to really like you. Try it! 😊

Yes I’ve noticed this and it’s very common in men.

I do some voluntary work each week where we have quite a lot of time to talk to each other. The other volunteers come from very different walks of life and I always find it interesting to find out how they ended up doing this .

There’s one man I’ve been working with most weeks for the past few years. I know the names of all his ( adult ) kids, where they work, their jobs and the problems they have at work, where his wife works, what their hobbies are, their holiday plans, the names of their dogs and what they look like. He knows NOTHING a about me - not even where I live, if I’m married, he knows I have kids but that’s it.

If he ever asks me anything, it’s about our shared hobby (gardening ) and it’s just an opener to talk about his garden. Apart from that he talks about himself ( and to be fair , our work, about which he’s very knowledgable ) all the time.

There’s another volunteer who has an interesting job but again he talks about it and himself all the time. Last week he spend two hours telling me about immunology, the corona virus and genital warts.

I know several other people like that too, mostly ( but not all ) men. I think they are so used to thinking that it’s their job to talk and women’s to listen. There’s no sense of reciprocity - we are some universal free counselling service.

BTW I think it’s normal and acceptable when someone is going through a life crisis - I don’t expect anyone whose husband has cancer or who is caring for a mother with dementia to ask me about my daffodils.