What do you make of people who never ask questions in a conversation?

[Giantleap]

Like many people I've been texting a lot more than usual recently, checking in with people and seeing how they're doing. I'm the kind of person who tends to be more of a listener than a talker and I tend to ask a lot of questions of the person I'm talking to, like how X is doing, how they're feeling, what happened with the thing they mentioned previously etc. I like to remember details and ask how those things are going but I've noticed some people rarely reciprocate by asking questions at all about how I'm doing or remember anything I've mentioned previously.

Does this mean they're just not interested/find the conversation boring? They seem happy to share details but I'm not really sure where the conversation can go if they don't ask any questions - I feel if I volunteer information they might not be interested, which is why they haven't asked in the first place! I worry that by not asking any questions at all they're trying to just shut down the conversation or indicate their lack of interest, or is it just that some people expect others to just volunteer information about themselves without being prompted?

It depends and it's really hard to know without having been privy to the texts. I have a friend who I would like as a just a casual friend but she has different expectations of the friendship. She texts me incessantly. I now just reply to her actual message and not ask any questions so as to not keep the conversation going. Could it be that OP, that people just don't want to chat? Or could it be that these are people who just don't like conversations by text? It could be any number of things.

I think of texting as 'touching base' with someone. Isn't it better to have a longer conversation on the phone? I do love having proper reciprocal conversations, but if you're 'voice to voice', it's so much easier, as things are discussed as they arise. It can be quite tedious and stilted to have to go back over a long text addressing each point in turn. More like an agenda than a conversation!

Friends and I have got into the habit of texting to establish whether or when the other is free for a call to have a proper chat!

I learned this from a dear friend. All you have to do in this world to be liked is to ask questions. I do it all the time now, people respond really positively to it. Sometimes I wonder if anyone's ever asked them anything before, they are so chuffed to have someone show an interest in their lives. It works!

If I find I’m the one keeping the conversation going asking questions etc and getting nothing back in return - I walk away from the situation as I find it incredibly rude. I don’t mean people who are genuinely shy/quiet as they often do interact on a one to one basis. I mean selfish people who love talking about themselves but have no interest in anyone else.

I’ve spent years trying to interact with people like this etc but now I don’t even bother. I do find it’s a control/superiority thing

People do tend to be self interested anyway, it's natural. If someone is asking about them for a specific reason, especially over texts, they tend to focus on themselves as that is what they are being asked about. I don't think they are bored and shutting down the conversation, as someone asking questions isn't natural for a conversation. They are just responding to you.

It would probably be different in a face to face conversation which occurs more naturally between friends.

I personally don't like being questioned a lot. How are you? Fine? How are you? Is my limit unless there is a specific issue.

My mil never asks questions. She just talks about herself from the moment you meet her without even waiting to be asked! Being in her company is very draining. She's 100% self centered.

I see it the other way a bit. If you have something interesting to say, then say it. Why wait for the other person to dig around and find it? Instead of thinking "I saw a really good movie yesterday, hope cakes asks about movies... damn she didn't". Why not say "so I saw a really good movie yesterday blah blah blah".

Obviously it should be mixture of everything. But bring up interesting news or topics yourself. That's a good conversationalist in my mind.

@I0NA I've also noticed that this trait tends to be more noticeable in men, though of course not universally. I do think there is a gendered element to listening and as women are often in professions where caregiving is a strong element this can further reinforce that dynamic.

I think because I'm naturally interested in people and their lives I have gotten stuck in this pattern with a lot of people where I ask them questions about themselves and don't get much back. I haven't tried any other way really, so I guess it would be interesting to see what happens if I stop. Sadly I think with some it would probably just end most of the contact. I do think there are subtle power dynamics at play sometimes, some people almost never ask questions about others and it does put you on the backfoot a little.

Some people don’t have conversational skills. This could be because they like to talk about themselves, they’re rude, they haven’t been taught, they lack confidence, they’re on the autistic spectrum...

I know a lot of people who aren’t generous in conversation for at least one of the reasons above.

I find it a bit annoying to recieve a text like "how are you". You are putting it on me to think of something interesting to say, but really what can I say except "fine".

OTOH, I'd love to recieve a text saying "you'd never guess what just happened! My ex fed my kids badger/I'm in the Sistine chapel and someone is screaming/people are bonking in my hedge etc". Now I'm amused!

I make an effort in conversations to ask questions of the other person/people, especially if the person I'm talking to is asking lots of questions, I get quite aware it's very one sided and me just talking about myself.
My PIL have probably asked me about 3 questions in 5 years. We can all sit in total silence for minutes and I just think why don't you ask one of us something, start a conversation yourselves for a change rather than wait to be prompted to talk about yourself. It's very frustrating.

There’s one man I’ve been working with most weeks for the past few years. I know the names of all his ( adult ) kids, where they work, their jobs and the problems they have at work, where his wife works, what their hobbies are, their holiday plans, the names of their dogs and what they look like. He knows NOTHING a about me - not even where I live, if I’m married, he knows I have kids but that’s it.

See as a good conversationalist you should have got that info about yourself in. It's a bit of give and take. A bit of both. The middle ground between asking questions and talking about yourself all the time.

I guess I worry about boring people if I volunteer lots of information about myself unprompted. Or as a PP said sometimes people are trying to keep the relationship more casual and less close and that's why they don't ask. But I think based on the comments above I will try to volunteer more and ask less, aiming to mix between the two a bit more.

I have one colleague whose biography I could write - I know the name of every one of her siblings, what her parents do for a living, where she went to school. Another colleague asked me, two years into sitting next to each other and having very pleasant conversations, if I have any siblings...when I can name his great-aunt and uncle! I'd definitely mentioned siblings before so I was slightly annoyed by that.

I see it the other way a bit. If you have something interesting to say, then say it. Why wait for the other person to dig around and find it?

This. My mother is the type of person who sets herself up as the listener/prompter in all conversations, because she thinks that is the 'mannerly' thing to do, and that the worst thing anyone can be (especially a woman) is to be 'full of themselves', by which she means taking a full part in a conversation, talking approx. as much as you listen.

Unfortunately what this means in practice is that she really, really dislikes female confidence and articulateness, and would smack me and my sisters down down as children and teenagers if she perceived us to be 'talking too much' when relatives visited (by which she meant saying anything that implied we thought our own lives deserved any conversational space).

The other side-effect which damages only her is that she makes herself so 'invisible' in conversational terms that she has no friends. If you overheard a phone conversation between my mother and anyone else, her sole contribution is 'Really?', 'Did you?', 'Aren't you great?' etc. For an hour.

You might of course say that my mother is unfortunately surrounded by people with poor conversational manners, but I think she at least part-sponsors the set-up. And while it may make other people feel fabulously interesting, it certainly hasn't surrounded her with friends.

@CastleSalem that's really interesting, I wonder if that's a lot to with upbringing about what constitutes 'polite' behaviour, again coming back to the point about gendered behaviours. I have met a few people whose conversational approach is similar to your mother's and it's hard work, because they seem to repeat a series of stock phrases rather than generate any observations/comments.

I don't think I'm like that - I'm happy to talk about myself but only if the person on the other end seems genuinely interested in listening. When people forget important details or ask no follow-up questions I often read that as them not being interested so I tend to just retreat into not volunteering again.

Case in point, I sent a voice message to a friend a few days ago, just a 1 minute message asking how she was and what's been happening on her end, giving her a short update on me as well. She's an old friend of many years who I've always felt doesn't show as much of an interest in me as I do in her.

She replied to my questions with short answers to each, said ' good to hear from you and hope you're well', and that was it. Am I wrong in concluding she doesn't want to continue the conversation/has little interest in reconnecting beyond this?

I think is a selfishness thing.

I have a friend who never asks me a thing about myself. I ask after her and her family, remember what we spoke about last time, ask how her problems are going 'has bobby finished teething? Sleeping any better etc' but she never asks me anything. For ages I thought it was because she had more problems than me and so my life didn't warrant as much discussion. But then I had a really serious personal problem and although I told her it was going on, she never asked about it again or checked in with me. Even when I brought it up later she didn't ask how I was managing or anything.

What really brought it home was meeting up with her the week after I had a baby, and she went on and on about her pregnancy. I was literally holding a baby that I had given birth to days before, and she didn't think to turn the conversation to me for even a moment. Didn't ask how I was, how the baby was, how the birth went... it was bizarre and I suddenly realised she had always been like that I just hadn't noticed.

I am guilty of this. I have to remind myself to ask people questions.

It’s mainly because the combination of growing up in a family who were completely disinterested in me, never having friends and spending most of my life alone. I’m just not used to doing it.

I’m also uncomfortable with people asking me questions so I assume everyone else is the same.

Yeah I am painfully aware of how this is me so have to try really hard to ask questions. And it genuinely isn't because I don't care.

For me it was horrific bullying through my teenage years, therefore not many friends, so it simply is not a skill that comes easily to me.

Either they are totally disinterested or they have terrible social skills. Either or both is possible.

^ See, this is where it gets difficult - you can't necessarily distinguish between someone who is disinterested and wants you to buzz off, versus someone who would be interested if you open up but doesn't show it by asking questions. I obviously don't want to talk to people who don't want to continue a conversation with me!

@Soon2BeMumof3 that's shocking there are definitely some people who are so wrapped up in their own lives and dramas that they are somewhat oblivious to the fact that other people have lives too!

I'm much more of a listener than a talker. It's a moment of rare magic when I find people who are willing not to abuse it, and actually ask me questions in return.