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Original poster

Relationship imploded. Stuck at home. Anyone want to chat a bit.

53 replies

Arrakis · 18/03/2020 21:48

It's a bit complex but basically we've disagreed about the right thing to do about the current horrible situation. We live apart and I suggested we should stay apart for a bit, I am high risk and he is still working. I also have my teen DS who would rather be at home than elsewhere at the moment. My partner can't stay with us as he has commitments too.

It blew up into him suggesting I didn't ever want to live with him, and me probably digging my heels in, and entrenching. I just wanted to wait a bit, until he finished work, and feel like my DS wants stability of being at home, and he's implying that anything I've ever said about how I want a life with him is all rubbish.

His house is being renovated, so not easy to live in atm.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and like I've abandoned the person I love, but I thought we could talk about it, but he thinks I am wildly unreasonable, and now I am feeling like maybe I am.

But whether I've been an absolute piece of shit or not, I feel really crappy and I am alone, I don't want my DS to fret, and I just want someone to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arrakis · 18/03/2020 22:07

Go on, please, someone talk to me, even if it's just to tell me I am an overreacting twat.

OP posts:
silenceofthemams · 18/03/2020 22:08

So he's sulking because you want to take health precautions over a virus?

Jonb6 · 18/03/2020 22:10

You are doing the right thing. He needs to get over himself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Dozer · 18/03/2020 22:11

You’re not being U, your boyfriend is.

It’s v unfortunate he’s having building work, but your health is a much higher priority than your BF’s wishes.

Fluffyscamp · 18/03/2020 22:14

You’re doing the right thing, you need to put your health and your son first. Deep down he probably knows that too. He’s most likely stressed by the whole situation and not acting rationally.

Give him time to calm down and see what happens. If he’s still being a knob about it then he’s not the one for you if he expects you to prioritise both his other commitments and his want for you to be together over your need to look after your health and do what’s best for your son.

In the mean time you’ve got company on here. Flowers

Frankenheimer · 18/03/2020 22:15

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a wanker.

Has he got any idea what's going on in the world at the moment?

Patchworkpatty · 18/03/2020 22:15

You are definitely in the right. I'm in a similar (but geographically similar) situation.

My husband and I are separated whilst we work through some issues . However I am immunosuppressed and my dc are in yr 13 and work so therefore like your partner mixing amongst the masses..

So I have had to move back in with my DH. This is not 'the flu' it could make me very ill or kill me. I can't take the risk. My DH is not working at present. I am wfh.

Despite both my dc and I wanting to be together - they (unlike your dp) have a mature understanding that this is how it has to be at the moment because they have my best interests at heart. Perhaps your DP could engage his brain and do the same. You cannot take the risk.

Original poster
Arrakis · 18/03/2020 22:16

Thank you for replying. His argument was that we would take precautions and it was better to be together. And that I might need him to take care of me if I do get ill. I wanted to be with him so very much, but it feels like it was more sensible to stay put and try everything to avoid being sick at all. But then I feel like am I being driven to panic by the media around this. He's normally the most sensible and pragmatic man.

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Original poster
Arrakis · 18/03/2020 22:20

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a wanker.

I take your point, absolutely, but normally he is so far from being a wanker, and so caring of me, that I feel like I must have missed something. We are planning to live together eventually and he was arguing that if we were we'd have no choice. My argument was that while we have choices we should be using them.

Thanks for the replies by the way, I am feeling horribly alone. I am normally good at solitude, but this is such an odd and horrible time that to be cut off from your support feels even worse.

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Original poster
Arrakis · 18/03/2020 22:22

Patchworkpatty so sorry you have to be apart from your kids, that's a rotten situation to be in.

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Dozer · 18/03/2020 22:34

As for “I’ve abandoned the person I love”, the best way for him to show care for you would be to care for your health by staying away.

Original poster
Arrakis · 18/03/2020 22:41

I think I am so shocked because I really expected him to get that Dozer . This is so unlike him.

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Original poster
Arrakis · 19/03/2020 08:30

Sorry, I am slightly talking to myself now, but I've woken up to a screed of messages that show he has not calmed down at all and is considering this a betrayal of everything. Wow.

Anyone fancy telling me something nice about their morning, and to make me feel normal? I have also decided to develop a tight chest feeling, which I expect is anxiety, but obviously makes me feel a bit panicky and like a hypochondriac at the same time.

Desperate for distraction.

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Frankenheimer · 19/03/2020 08:41

Hopefully he will give his head a wobble soon and work out where his priorities ought to be. This isn't all about him. You have your health to think of and he should be thinking of that too.

This morning our cats are providing us with a much-needed dose of normality, yowling for attention, scarfing down their breakfast while attempting to purr at the same time, and then climbing all over us rubbing their heads on us and treating us to their horrible catfood breath...

KedsAndTubeSocks · 19/03/2020 08:41

Sorry, nothing very helpful to say. Do you have a garden you can go for a walk in? If not can you find a film on TV for a bit? Anything to distract you for a while. You know you're doing the right thing.
Flowers

UnprodigalDaughter · 19/03/2020 08:42

I have a one winged chicken living in my kitchen. She goes outside every morning (with a biscuit - like a donkey and carrot?) and she comes in every evening after tea and sleeps in a wee dig crate.

That normally distracts people when I mention it...

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you. I've had a similar row with my parents recently where I wanted them to move closer to me so I could care for them, but they are choosing to stay away. I felt hurt and retreated from them, and I'd guess for whatever reason, your dp is feeling hurt too. It's not OK to be rude to you though as you have reasons for doing what you're doing

UnprodigalDaughter · 19/03/2020 08:44

She lost her wing because she parkoured into the back garden (ten foot high fencing, never been seen to fly) where the dog had a run, and walked up to him and seemed surprised when he chewed her wing. It was amputated and four days later she was laying eggs again.

Damn I'm going to have to name change now, I've told this story to so many people!

lowlandLucky · 19/03/2020 08:46

op when he says he may need to look after you if you become ill what he really means is he needs you to be a nursemaid if he gets ill. He is in a panic because he fears being at home on his own and needs a housekeeper/nursemaid. Let him work himself out of his tantrum

Original poster
Arrakis · 19/03/2020 08:52

I have a one winged chicken living in my kitchen. She goes outside every morning (with a biscuit - like a donkey and carrot?) and she comes in every evening after tea and sleeps in a wee dig crate.

Hah. Deeply love this. I used to have chickens. Evil Mrs Chicken and Good Mrs Chicken. I thought they were birds of deep character. I miss them.

One of my cats is furious with me, as I have to work and not pet her. The other is thrilled to have DS home as he's her favourite person. Catfood breath is the worst though.

To be fair to him is he rock hard about illness and powers through everything. I don't think it's that. I think he honestly feels hurt and betrayed and like I don't want to go through this with him. I know I want that more than pretty much anything, but that his suggestion for dealing with it just isn't right. And that we could have got through it together, but not together if you see what I mean! He thinks I'm entirely wrong, and one of us would have to give in to fix it.

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TwilightPeace · 19/03/2020 08:58

You could die if you catch it! You won’t catch it if you self-isolate and stay away from him. It is NOT difficult to understand that.
He wants you to ‘go through it together’? What does that mean?
You can FaceTime and text.

It just isn’t worth the risk.
Hard times really show people’s true colours and I find it worrying that you are questioning yourself. He is so completely in the wrong here.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/03/2020 09:07

So he wants you to be together, but he isn't able to accommodate you and DS even if you wanted to go there. He's continuing to go out to work, which is his choice, maybe even a necessity, but you are in a high risk group and are worried about the germs. He's not prepared to move into your house, and even if he did, what steps would he be able to take to minimise risk to you?
You say he can't move to yours because he has commitments- does that mean work? Children?
Doesn't sound as if he wants to make any compromises and doesn't grasp that social isolation is vital for your health.

Dietsareus · 19/03/2020 09:08

I’m so sorry you’re going through this..everyone’s emotions seem so heightened at the moment. Me and my fella are ‘snipping’ at each other too 😕
My nephew (self isolating with his family due to asthma problems) sent me a video of my 5 month old great niece bouncing in her chair, screeching merrily away and chomping on her teething ring 😁 made me laugh out loud. Try and watch some funny videos on YouTube as a distraction...hope things are better for you soon x

Original poster
Arrakis · 19/03/2020 09:22

I think he just means being together like other people get to be together and support each other. I get it, I wanted to be with him, but these are such exceptional circumstances and it's like that just isn't registering.

I wish it was just sniping, but he's saying by doing this I'm effectively calling time on the relationship. Wasn't my intent at all.

Hard times really show people’s true colours and I find it worrying that you are questioning yourself. He is so completely in the wrong here.

That's how I feel. That he is so wrong, and yet he thinks I am sooooo wrong, I don't see how we get back from here.

I am enjoying some of the cheering videos people are putting on Twitter at the moment.

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lubeybooby · 19/03/2020 09:24

He is wrong. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Arrakis · 19/03/2020 09:24

I'm also sad because I've had a load of mental health problems for the last few years after I moved away from my friends and family. I've been increasingly distant from them, because I've just been focused on coping with the day to day, and he was so good at getting me through and now I feel I can't drop back into their lives because I have a sad and no one to talk to about it.

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