Relationship imploded. Stuck at home. Anyone want to chat a bit.

[Arrakis]

It's a bit complex but basically we've disagreed about the right thing to do about the current horrible situation. We live apart and I suggested we should stay apart for a bit, I am high risk and he is still working. I also have my teen DS who would rather be at home than elsewhere at the moment. My partner can't stay with us as he has commitments too.

It blew up into him suggesting I didn't ever want to live with him, and me probably digging my heels in, and entrenching. I just wanted to wait a bit, until he finished work, and feel like my DS wants stability of being at home, and he's implying that anything I've ever said about how I want a life with him is all rubbish.

His house is being renovated, so not easy to live in atm.

I feel like the worst person in the world, and like I've abandoned the person I love, but I thought we could talk about it, but he thinks I am wildly unreasonable, and now I am feeling like maybe I am.

But whether I've been an absolute piece of shit or not, I feel really crappy and I am alone, I don't want my DS to fret, and I just want someone to talk to.

It’s the first day of spring 🦋🐛🐝🐥🐣🐣🐤

I think that this time is bringing out a lot of insecurities. I’m in a similar position in that my DP doesn’t live with me and doesn’t live locally. We’ve made the decision to not see each other for the foreseeable as I am at risk. But honestly the number of people who have said things to him like “well I would do anything to be with the one I love,” and “well, my husband would be with me and I with him,” is unreal.

I honestly think you should get back into contact with family and friends.

Making your partner your whole world (apart from your DC obviously) isn’t healthy. You end up isolated and stay in an unhealthy relationship longer than you should. You cling to it out of fear of being alone.

Get your support system back. There’s no better time to do it than now.

But honestly the number of people who have said things to him like “well I would do anything to be with the one I love,” and “well, my husband would be with me and I with him,” is unreal.

Yeh. This is clearly where he is.

I will ring my poor mum later. I am her troublesome child.

This is a perfect time to email all your old friends!
Build bridges, reconnect. Just a couple of lines. Hoping they were well and you had been thinking of them. No need for an essay!
They might be pleasantly surprised to hear from you and email you back.

Just checking in to say hello. My Mrs chicken woke the household up at 6.15, cackling. I've been waking about 6 and going to get a coffee and letting her out, and she took umbrage at me sleeping in a little...

I hope things are settling down - how are you this morning?

How long have you been together? How uncomfortable is his house to live in?

He is thinking of himself..perhaps not for using you as a nurse maid but he might not want to battle food shopping. Whatever his reason, at you may never know, his reaction is worrying.

Always listen to your partners reactions when you say No. If they refuse to accept it, and guilt you then be warned as it is red flag time.

I hope things are settling down - how are you this morning?

Thanks. Apparently now it's radio silence from him and the more I think about it the more I don't feel I am the one who needs to give their head a wobble here. This has really changed things for me. Right now I am somewhere that has low numbers of Covid-19 at the moment, I have all the food we need for a while, I can stay here and be as safe as anyone can reasonably expect to be.

He is still working, where he is is so much busier, so many more people in the area so going out it's harder to avoid crowds. The rate there is reportedly double what it is here.

He is thinking of himself..perhaps not for using you as a nurse maid but he might not want to battle food shopping. Whatever his reason, at you may never know, his reaction is worrying.

His reasons are that we should be together, we were eventually planning to be together, so we should be when we can. And that I am panicking and 'running away'. I am not panicking, I'm unsettled, like everyone else, but I know when I am panicking and I am not.

What has upset me is that I would understand him being upset, and maybe even continuing to disagree with me, but it's the taking it personally and accusing me of effectively changing my whole personality and not being who he thought I was. And now, not ignoring me as I am not attempting to contact him, so maybe that's as much my fault as his, but basically radio silence.

My Mrs chicken woke the household up at 6.15, cackling. I've been waking about 6 and going to get a coffee and letting her out, and she took umbrage at me sleeping in a little...

Hurrah for chickens and their continuing normality.

I have spoken to a few friends, and my family, haven't said anything about this, but just reconnected and checked in. It feels a little better, but they all have their priorities, and I am back to being no one's priority, which is fair enough, but I'd forgotten how lonely it was.

How long have you been together? How uncomfortable is his house to live in?

2.5 years. Some rooms aren't usable, there's a lack of space in the others. Bathroom is barely workable though he said he would arrange that.

@UnprodigalDaughter by the way, thank you for thinking of me, that's so very kind when I am just words on a screen.

@Arrakis checking in again...

You know what? This is a really scary time and you have to make the right choice for you as best you can. You are just trying to survive and quite a lot of things are going to get swept away. I think more than even a different point of view, it’s the intransigence - the inflexibility if you don’t do what your dp wants - is what has caused the issue.

Mrs Chicken sat on my leg after tea and “broooooak”ed really loudly whenever anyone came near me. She ended up going back out because dammit she’s loud.

Hahaha! Possessive little chicken! I love the sound of her.

@Arrakis

TBH, he either doesn't get it, or does and is putting what he wants over what you need.

I think you're doing the right thing. Keep safe.

I am working on it. Gone into proper lockdown for a while.

I am at risk of using a chat forum as a personal blog, but I just wanted to say somewhere that my heart is aching, because I’m watching TV we’d normally watch together and it’s reminding me of the lovely feeling of the most simple of shared experiences and how much we laughed at the same things.

I clearly need to pull my head out of my arse. Sigh.

Why? You are grieving. Not just muppet man, but normality. It's OK to feel sad...

7am cackling. She wanted her biscuit. She's going to be living in the shed if she keeps that up...

We can chat! It's not using it as a blog, it's connecting in the age of covid

Ask him how he would feel if he passes it on to you and you die?

I've moved into the spare room as dh is still working and I don't want him breathing over me all night. We need to protect and make sacrifices for each other. He's not protecting you with his wants.

I am so pleased by every chicken update.

One of my chickens was an escape artist and her favourite thing to do in summer was to try and get into my neighbour’s back garden, through her open back door, and settle herself on her sofa.

Mithering is not my thing. And when I think like that I start to think like it might be salvagable because I miss him so much and feels like everyone has people. I have screwed up royally.

I've moved into the spare room as dh is still working and I don't want him breathing over me all night. We need to protect and make sacrifices for each other. He's not protecting you with his wants

I suppose his argument is that that’s what we should have done. I could have gone to stay with him but not slept in the same room and still been around each other like other couples are doing. But instead I am being selfish by staying away.

OP, you are doing the right thing.

Yes it's very worrying that he would like you to move from a comfortable space where your child feels secure to a building mess, just so he can feel connected.

Your primary responsibility is to your son, that is sooooooooo far ahead of any man's preference.

Your health and future could depend on this decision and most likely will.

Keep reminding yourself of your son and his needs.
He is your absolute priority.

Stay home and safe.
This is a worrying time for children.

He needs the security of his own home.

Don't worry about radio silence.
You can only control your own thoughts and behaviour.

Self isolating is the best thing you can do for you son.

Wishing you well today

Of course you are reasonable to want to protect your health, and sensible to recognise that means not seeing him whilst he's still working.

His behaviour is raising a lot of red flags. It's absolutely not normal for him to explode when you make a choice he doesn't like, and turn it into a make-or-break guilt thing to pressure you into caving. That would be a red flag even for a normal big life decision, like taking a job. But for him to behave this way when it's your life at risk is really worrying.

I might be a million miles off here, but how are you generally at having good boundaries in relationships, and spotting red flags? Read up about the 'shark cage'. It's a theory that we learn good relationship models through positive relationships in our childhoods, if we are lucky enough to have them. This gives us a 'shark cage' throughout our life, where we spot 'red flags' in a relationship and and don't get involved/end it early. If we haven't developed this 'shark cage' - through no fault of our own - we don't spot the red flags, and end up in bad relationships over and over again.

My shark cage is shouting at me on your behalf. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You're not a million miles off! I am terrible at boundaries and red flags. Sigh.

Well if you are OP, and know you are...even more reason to not back down and perhaps take this time to reflect on your boundaries.

Your son needs protecting.

he was arguing that if we were we'd have no choice. My argument was that while we have choices we should be using them.

This is reading horribly as if he wishes you did not have choices.

it's the taking it personally and accusing me of effectively changing my whole personality and not being who he thought I was.

And this tipping into an attempt to put you under pressure, to try to blackmail you.

Overall, it would seem as if you have made a good call. Now you have seen this, it might be a good idea to reflect on any other red flags. Good time to read up on self esteem, too.

Oh I know it's not good. I know it's not. We've always got on so well, and despite there being a number of challenges in the last little while have ridden them out in general agreement, so I guess we never got to a point where there was something like this where we are so diametrically opposed.

I'm red flaggy in my own way IYSWIM, far from perfect, but I thought we rounded off each others edges quite nicely.

This is something else.

So, in the spirit of using this as my own woe is me blog, it appears to be over. He has all the practicalities worked out, and a message that broke what was left of my cynical heart to go with it.

I'm so shocked, and in so much pain, but I have to get my shit together for DS's birthday tomorrow. A couple of people are coming to drop things off and we are going to wave out of windows and generally be all blitz spirit about it all, so I can't be weeping.

It may have ended in the worst of times and a pretty shitty way, but I am v conscious that I have not always been a shining example of how to have a relationship, and I love him very much, and we fitted together so well. My boundaries were probably off, but there was a lot of things that worked there too.

Now I need to just not repeat a pesky breakdown of a few years ago when things got on top of me. Now wouldn't be the time.

Oh lovely, I’m so very sorry you’re hurting; but at the same time very glad that you’re now away from someone who sounds like they’d the potential to hurt you quite catastrophically if your relationship had continued.

Be gentle with yourself. You made absolutely the right choice - you were protecting your son & being responsible about keeping yourself safe. Anyone who’d fail to respect those things with the information we’ve available now is not someone you want in your life in any capacity.

Hope your DS has as good a birthday as he can in the circs.