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Original poster

Contacting the 'OW'...

34 replies

beamused · 16/03/2020 15:29

I don't know what to do.

Long story short:

DH had a mid life crisis in January and went on holiday to another country alone. He met up with this woman he was talking with (in an apparently a 'flirty but platonic way') for lunch but he swears nothing happened. They've been in regular contact since and he's admitted that he fancies her. I think something did but I know he'll leave me if I message her and she could lie so it's a big risk to take. Should I message her or not?

OP posts:
Fantasiaa · 16/03/2020 15:32

You should leave him.
He doesn’t respect you.
Messaging her will only make you look even more like a fool.

Redglitter · 16/03/2020 15:33

No dont. Messaging her is pointless you'll gave no idea if what she says is true or not.

You need to address the issue with your husband. Has he done this before or could he be telling the truth.

Ultimately the problem is yours & your husbands - not hers

WickedlyPetite · 16/03/2020 15:34

Your DH was taking to another woman. He went on holiday with her and he admits he fancies her, and has remained in regular contact with her.

What will your speaking to her add to the situation? What are you hoping to get from the conversation?

WinterCat · 16/03/2020 15:35

She has no need to tell you the truth.

You don’t trust your husband (understandable) and you are questioning your future together (also understandable). Those are the points you need to address based on what you want and how you are your future.

Original poster
beamused · 16/03/2020 15:36

@WickedlyPetite I hope it'll give clarity if anything did happen but she could lie and it's a big gamble- if I message her and she tells him (which she will), he'll leave me. I really don't need to hear 'leave him' right now either, it's a very complicated situation.

OP posts:
Divebar · 16/03/2020 15:37

So did he go on holiday to meet with her ? What was his explanation at the time regarding the reason for his holiday? It seems a bit unlikely that he went all that way and they only had lunch unless she knocked him back after meeting in person.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/03/2020 15:37

Im assuming she knows your married?

The only thing you can tell her is to get an STI check and take your own advice

Shinycat · 16/03/2020 15:38

@beamused

I would message her to get all the evidence you can get, and then start proceedings to divorce this man. You deserve better. He won't change, and he will do it again. Flowers

Original poster
beamused · 16/03/2020 15:39

He said he needed a break after having a really hard time (which he has). They've spoken loads since so I doubt she'd have knocked him back but he swears nothing happened.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 16/03/2020 15:39

It wont give clarity. If she is adamant nothing happened are you honestly saying you'll believe her & everything will be great? Not a chance. If she denies it then you'll assume shes lying and be no better off than you are. By the sounds of it even if she says that they slept together you're not going to leave him.

Original poster
beamused · 16/03/2020 15:40

She knows we're married but I think he told her we were temporarily separated (we weren't )

OP posts:
Original poster
beamused · 16/03/2020 15:44

I would actually @Redglitter

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 16/03/2020 15:44

You know there is no point in messaging her.
Your DH has left your marriage.
Are you going to string it out, or end it?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/03/2020 15:58

Please don;t messsage her OP. The reason for this is yes she is wrong to mess about with your dh but without him giving her the signals she would get nowhere. The blame is entirely on him not her. My husband has loads of female friends and colleagues and not one of them is a threat to me.If he did stray it would be his doing and he would be entirely to blame for threatening our marriage.

Original poster
beamused · 16/03/2020 16:00

I know that @Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe, it would be completely H's fault but she might tell me if anything did happen.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 16/03/2020 16:03

Your issue is with him not her. You won't be satisfied either way by messaging her so there isn't any point. The fact he's told you he'll leave if you message her screams out there is a lot he isn't telling you about it and this is a threat to keep you from digging to find out the truth.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/03/2020 16:06

Would you believe her though ? thats the thing She could tell you anything or nothing and you would still be no wiser.I think it would just be like tormenting yourself to try to get to the truth. I am really sorry you are going through this. What does your gut tell you...thats usually the most reliable method.

Greenkit · 16/03/2020 16:09

Was he messaging her before his holiday?

Did he meet her there and start chatting?

Does she live in this other country or did they go together?

What do you want to happen?

lazylinguist · 16/03/2020 16:12

He's still speaking to her?! Fgs. He has no respect for you at all, does he?

KatherineJaneway · 16/03/2020 16:16

I think something did but I know he'll leave me if I message her

What would the downside of that be?

fruitbrewhaha · 16/03/2020 16:18

He will leave you if you message her?

So basically he is allowed to do whatever he likes, and you are not allowed to question it.

He can chase around after another woman, tell you about it and you are just supposed to go along with it?

lowlandLucky · 16/03/2020 16:30

OP You know he has been in contact with this woman constantly, you know they went on holiday together, you know they are sleeping together. If you wish to bury your head in the sand fair enough but why bother posting

copycopypaste · 16/03/2020 16:31

It's a waste if your time and energy speaking time her. Whatever she tells you, you'll question, is she telling the truth, has she concocted what she tells you with your dh, you see where this is going.

Tbh you don't trust him, he's disrespected you firstly by meeting up with her, secondly carrying on with the relationship with her, he's even admitted he fancies her. Put your big girl pants on and leave him. Life is too short to be in this kind of relationship. Nothing, and I mean nothing justifies his behaviour.

ConstanceSalinger · 16/03/2020 16:34

You already know all you need to know. If he would leave you for messaging the ow then he is not worth keeping.

Beansandcoffee · 16/03/2020 16:40

If she is still in touch with your H she will probably not tell you the truth as she will not want to rock the boat with your H. He might have told her to wait as he is making exit plans with you. I’m sorry to hear this - I’ve been there and it is heart breaking and very stressful.

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