Contacting the 'OW'...

[beamused]

I don't know what to do.

Long story short:

DH had a mid life crisis in January and went on holiday to another country alone. He met up with this woman he was talking with (in an apparently a 'flirty but platonic way') for lunch but he swears nothing happened. They've been in regular contact since and he's admitted that he fancies her. I think something did but I know he'll leave me if I message her and she could lie so it's a big risk to take. Should I message her or not?

If you can't trust him and he'd leave you for asking then it's over no matter how you slice it unless you're happy being his side chick until he gets the situation exactly lined up and leaves you. Once you allow a man to disrespect you it's over.

I’m not normally a ‘leave him’ kind of person but I don’t understand why you are allowing him to treat you so disrespectfully? What do you get from this relationship which is worth the way he behaves?

He has zero respect for you, why are you still with him? Don’t contact her, just leave him and regain some self respect. He’s a dick.

I'd say don't message her, I've been in a similar boat where I wanted to message a woman because I wasn't sure if I believed what my then partner was saying. Reason I didn't was knowing there was a good chance she'd lie. Looking back I'm glad I never.

@beamused you won't listen to my advice, because when I was given it I didn't listen either ...

but it is the ONE AND ONLY chance you have of saving your marriage.

1. do not contact the OW. She is irrelevant.
2. do not be in too much of a hurry to find out. What is known cannot be unknown. Don't underestimate what that loss of innocence does to you.
3. throw him out. Yes, absolutely. Throw him out. Grounds: his disrespect of you which you are no longer going to tolerate. See 1: OW is irrelevant. He treatment of you is the only one that matters.
4. Live as though you are alone and he is never coming back. Develop your own life, friends, hobbies, job, income. Seriously, this is important.

I did the opposite. I begged, pleaded, understood, raged about OW. Whilst allowing him to stay married because 'we were going to work on it'.

Therapist said: 'he has just learned he has got away with it.'

And, when I finally could not deal with the abuse any longer, he said 'I was never going to leave you' ...

Be brave and THROW HIM OUT and refuse to have anything to do with him (remember, OW is irrelevant]. For men, respect is closely allied with love.

But then he'll go @ScreamingLadySutch ?

What do you mean you think he's done something with her? He IS doing something right now in having an emotional affair with her.

Why wouldn't you want him to go? He's making a mug out of you.

beamused

-But then he'll go@ScreamingLadySutch?-

Emotionally he has already left. You need to decide if you can forgive him and wait for the next time or separate..

I'm not sure you can throw him out, you could ask him to leave