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Original poster

Am I right to be angry

35 replies

Fabfifty · 13/03/2020 12:55

My sister in law told me she thinks my university undergraduate son is autistic.
He shows no signs at all, just quiet and reserved, I replied I've never thought so, the more I think about it ,the angrier I feel. Is it justifiable

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2020 12:56

You feel how you feel but are you suggesting she was insulting him because you think being autistic is always an awful thing?

Booboostwo · 13/03/2020 12:58

Why do you feel angry? What was your SIL's intention in telling you? Does she honestly believe your DS might be autistic in which case it is worth asking him what he thinks about it and whether he would benefit from a diagnosis? If that was her intention there is nothing to be angry about.

If her intention was to belittle or criticize or dismiss your DS, then you are right to be angry. But is there a back story here?

notacooldad · 13/03/2020 13:01

Why didnt you ask her why she thought that and have a conversation instead of shutting it down and being angry,?
Surely that would be a better way of understanding each other.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 13/03/2020 13:03

My 30 year old cousin was recently diagnosed with autism and Dyspraxia.
I never ever would have guessed. And I've grown up next to him.

Sometimes another perspective can see something you can't.
Why do you see it as an insult?

CornflakeBreath · 13/03/2020 13:04

Maybe he is? Plenty of parents struggle with denial when people suggest autism.

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2020 13:04

'Are they autistic' seems to be one of the most commonly asked question when someone doesn't behave the way people think they should. If he's quiet he's quiet.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/03/2020 13:06

Are you angry because you think he could be and you haven't seen it yourself or are you angry because you're seeing it as an insult?

I have a friend who says all of her boyfriends family are autistic for various reasons. They're not. She's one of those people who thinks one trait that an autistic person she knows has means that anyone with a similar trait is also autistic. She's an idiot.

x2boys · 13/03/2020 13:06

Does your sister in law have any experience with autism,or is it just her opinion ?Autism is a massive spectrum ,but yes just be she's someone is quiet and reserved does mean someone has autism on what grounds is she basing her opnion?

goldenorbspider · 13/03/2020 13:08

I was in my 30s when I was diagnosed. Wish it would have been sooner

bobstersmum · 13/03/2020 13:09

Why do you see autism as an insult?

Nat6999 · 13/03/2020 13:11

I've just been diagnosed at 53, went to mainstream school, had a job for 27 years, like your ds I was always branded quiet.

clpsmum · 13/03/2020 13:12

My son is autistic and the most wonderful human being. Please do not be andry if offended that somebody thinks your son may have autism

clpsmum · 13/03/2020 13:13

Or was she intending it to be insulting because he is quiet?

ZoeandChandon · 13/03/2020 13:14

My dd is, I wish someone had suggested it to me years ago. As others say, it’s not an insult, what are you so offended by?

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2020 13:25

Love how you described his as your university undergraduate son. Wouldn't 'son' or '19yr old son' worked?

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 13/03/2020 13:52

Love how you described his as your university undergraduate son. Wouldn't 'son' or '19yr old son' worked?

I thought this too... I think it was some sort of implication that because her son is a uni undergrad it's more offensive to have suggested he is autistic?! Which makes no sense at all. Odd.

JingsMahBucket · 13/03/2020 14:00

@pinkyredrose and @ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself I took it to mean that he was able to get through lots of academic barriers / hoops / achievements that may have usually stymied someone with certain types of autism. I don’t think there was any type of harm or bragging meant by the OP saying that. I wouldn’t jump to malicious conclusions so quickly.

BlankTimes · 13/03/2020 14:05

he shows no signs at all

What sort of signs in your ignorance do you think he should display? How much do you know about autism to make a statement like that, are you qualified to diagnose?

Your SIL has noticed enough to raise the issue with you.You should at least shove your prejudices to one side and listen.

university undergraduate son
Many autistic people attend uni and get degrees and good jobs afterwards. What helps them is knowing they are autistic and getting the right support from the Uni so they can be the best they can be.

Many undiagnosed adults struggle a hell of a lot but mask that so other people don't see what they are going through and they can end up with severe MH issues because they don't understand why they are different to their peers.

This is an online checklist, it's not diagnostic, but it gives an idea of the possibility of autism in adults. aspergerstest.net/aq-test/

Here's something for you so you can appreciate a little about what the autistic spectrum means, neuroclastic.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

Now go and ask your SIL what characteristics she's noticed in your son and be open to the possibility, because if he is autistic, a diagnosis can help him. Student Support can get the ball rolling.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/03/2020 14:11

Your anger is only justifiable if you think autism is an insult.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 13/03/2020 14:14

Gosh some people are extremely sensitive on here!

Fabfifty I get why this would upset you - presumably you know your son better than your SIL?

Maybe the OP doesn’t think the comment was meant in a caring or concerned way?

Changeofname79 · 13/03/2020 14:50

I would sometimes disagree Shesgot
Often outsiders can see things that closest person can't/don't want to. Obv not always the case.

sageandroses · 13/03/2020 15:57

I don't think it's an offensive thing she said. Is it because she is implying that she has noticed something about him that you have not? Or that you think she was speaking out of turn?

If so, that is understandable, but many people don't exhibit the known characteristics. I was an adult when I got my diagnosis, no doctor or psychologist or parent 'noticed' when I was growing up.

And just because your son is at university doesn't mean he can't be autistic! I have an undergraduate degree and two postgraduate degrees, as well as a full-time job. I can understand your irritation that she was pointing out something you hadn't noticed, but maybe educate yourself a bit more.

HarrietThePi · 13/03/2020 16:05

I'm autistic and don't see anything wrong with feeling irritated by her comment, depending on how it was said and why. Did you ask her why she thinks he is?

HarrietThePi · 13/03/2020 16:12

Sorry I have just reread the op and seen your reply to her. I think you should ask her why she thinks that he could be autistic. I wasn't diagnosed until much later in life. I still managed to get a degree from a top university and I had a good job until I gave it up when I had dd. I've been in a LTR for nearly 12 years. Many aspects of my life would have been a lot easier if I had known why I am the way I am, a lot sooner than I did. So if your sil is generally a person who comes from a good place and means well, then I think it would be worth dropping your guard a little bit and just having a chat to see if there is something she's noticed that maybe you haven't. It can be easier for people less close to notice differences sometimes.

tiredanddangerous · 13/03/2020 16:14

Why are you angry? Confused

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