When does life with a new baby get easier?

[GoldPaperStars]

I’m a first time mum to a 12 week old baby boy. He’s got a cold at the moment, so I’m possibly be closer to the brink of madness then I might otherwise be...

I feel like I’m going mad. HOW did I not realise that life would be this relentless?! I resisted having a baby for years (my DH was desperate for one) because I have a chronic health condition and worried it would be too much for me. I also used to worry that we would be risking our lovely life and relationship for no guarantee that it would be better. Despite that I’m still shocked at how hard it all is. I think my DS is pretty average - not too difficult and not that easy. Won’t nap when not on me and screams when put down so I can do something selfish like go to the loo, but usually has a good chunk of sleep overnight and can mostly be calmed by picking him up and walking around. I just feel so claustrophobic. I want to be able to cook or pee or tidy without being screamed at. I do love him, and the smiles we’ve started getting are pure magic, but that doesn’t stop me feeling down.

When does it get easier? When could I reasonably expect to have a minute to get something done? Or some predictability to our schedule?

(And please don’t feel the need to tell me that it never gets easier or that every stage is this difficult...)

Every stage is different, not easier or harder. I found the first 3 months the hardest, the next 3 months easier. 6-12 months was a lot of fun as they really show their personality. 12-18 months was hard as I had a very accident prone little boy as he’d trip over his own feet 😂. 18 months + was much better as you can then leave them and get something done. Then I decided to have another - what was I thinking?

Hang in there Op. Youre having a hard time at the minute with your Velcro baby. It does get better. He screams as he wants you and feels safe with your nearby. It’s hard bloody work but you’re doing a great job. I found baby being in a jumperoo or Walker the turning point when I could get stuff done. It’ll be here before you know it, so try not to worry too much about cooking and jobs. I hope things get better for you soon Op. xx

At 12 weeks it does suddenly get a bit easier/more predictable. So hopefully just round the corner...?

I also remember thinking that at about 8/9 months it all became a bit more fun, but that was maybe just me.

Hang in there!

First few weeks are awful.
I enjoy up to when they start moving around through to when they're about 3.
We're in meltdown mode at the moment with DD and I've been through it with my other children. Saying that though - my teen DD is just as hard at the moment too.

I've heard it gets easier when they move out but you still worry as much.

I remember this well OP. I dont ever remember it magically getting better, but just thinking 'oh, we dont need to do that anymore...'

In the meantime do what works for you and do NOT be pressurised by anyone. If you are BF ignore the 'give him a bottle and he will sleep better' brigade - he probably wont. If he is FF get your OH to do some night bits. If you want to go out do, if you dont, dont. I say this because I spent the first 9 months thinking I was doing it all wrong because I wasnt doing it how other people thought I should be.

I'm PG again now and I vow this time will be different.

Congratulations xx

When they leave home it’s a bit easier but they do make a habit of coming back and asking for money.

@GoldPaperStars I have a 10 week old and feel exactly the same as you. It’s seriously tough. Hang in there

Well mine are now 6 and 4 and I think I’m getting there 😂. Seriously I felt like you, I hated the baby stage with number one particularly as he wouldn’t sleep unless he was on me or being pushed in the pram. He took ages to feed and I BF.
I felt so trapped and it was awful. I found changing my mindset helped and focusing on the fact that this was all good Mothering and my job was looking after him, rather than getting stressed that I couldn’t do things as I wanted to/ could before.

If you are bottle feeding or you can mixed feed/ express make sure DH does a share of feeding/ cuddling etc so you get a bit of time to yourself. Try to get to some groups to chat and look at BabyCalm/ Sarah Ockwell-Smith.

It will get better eventually!

4 /5 months is easier, but boring.

6 months is a LOT better as they are usually in a nap pattern by then , can sit up just about, can hold things.

10 months they really start to interact and be little people

Since your DH was much keener than you, why isn’t he doing parental leave...?

It’s up and down. DC1 was a very sick baby and I didn’t sleep for an entire year but was the easiest toddler. DC2 was a perfect sleeper and easy baby but such a full on toddler and he’s never grown out of it. Each child is different and you’ll learn what works best for yours. Be selective about the advice you take and try and remember that you’ll blink and baby will be 1. It flies by and you strangely miss it.

It does get easier. When you start to get more sleep and they aren't permanently attached it's easier. I think, reading this, different people enjoy different phases of childhood. I personally have fond memories of 0-6 mo, when I was shattered but it was easy (boobs were the answer to every problem) hating 6-18m because it was exhausting and messy and loving 2-4y because they were so cute.
Mine are now 12 and 9 and they annoy me daily but they do wipe their own bums.

I would say around now, the 12 week mark, it gets a little easier.

The first 6 months is by far the worst for me. I'd take several tantrum-throwing toddlers over a young baby that you're trying to establish sleep routine etc.

It really does get easier! DS is only 2 so I can't claim to know it all, but I do know that the difference between now and the tiny baby stage is, for me, like night and day.

Much like yours he wouldn't sleep unless on me and cried a lot unless he was upright and being walked around. But slept in ok ish chunks overnight.

He has now just turned 2 and is a joy in every way. Even the tantrums and wilfulness- I love it all because he's interacting. Oh and he sleeps through the night (unless unwell).

5or 6 months op
Hang in there.
I had a bit of a breakdown last month and my husband and my mum had to step up a bit.
Make sure you get as much help as possible.

It's hard work, totally life-changing that you just don't realise

bUT he will only be tiny once so just try and take the pressure off

Don,t think gets easier I just think the challengers change.

Ours are 11 and 14 now.

I get sleep and don’t have to change nappies or wipe bums, but the challenges feel bigger and the decisions are more important.
Welcome to parenthood!

I’d say around 8 months started to feel easier for me.
I didn’t expect parenting to be easy, but I absolutely did not anticipate the full on relentlessness of it! I promise you, it does get easier, you get way more used to it and it becomes a lot more comfortable!!

The reasons you resisted having a baby for years were extremely valid. You didn’t have to give your husband a baby just because he wanted one. Don’t let him pressure you into future children. It’s a hard exhausting life.

Oh shut up @janetlovesgod

I think at 12 weeks you are getting over the "novelty" of having a baby (for want of a better word). Visitors have stopped coming and this is now life as you know it. They are also getting to the 4 month sleep regression which is a bitch!

I think from 6+ months it got easier. He got in a bit more of a routine but he still slept on me but in hindsight I made it more difficult than it should have been. He slept great through most of the night so at nap times I sort of went through his bedtime routine (minus the bath) and initially he slept for 20 mins then soon he was having a good 2hr nap which I spent tip toeing round the flat

I know how you feel about wanting space but honestly just go with it. DS now only naps in his cot and I would love for him to nap on me and give me an excuse to let the housework slide and I know that's not what you want to hear right now but honestly I repeated to myself "this won't last forever" and that got me through. It's very early days and you are doing a great job but my advice would be, if he goes down well at night, to go through the sameish routine. With my DS it was PJs on, massage, bottle then a cuddle and he soon learnt it was sleep time. Now all I need to do is put him down with some milk and he's off to sleep in minutes (usually).

I saw a change at three weeks and six weeks, three months and six months. They get more settled, their digestive system gets the hang of handling food, the distinction between awake and asleep becomes more defined and they get a sleep pattern. You're seeing smiles now; in a few weeks you'll see your baby get excited for things they enjoy, like a bath, and then you're dealing with a little person. You get into a routine and learn to interpret and anticipate what they need. Once they can sit up they can hold things without dropping them in their faces and explore they can self-entertain a bit. It gets much, much easier when they start to talk and can let you know what they want.

Barring illness every week is, on average, a bit better than the week before. If you don't like tiny helpless babies (and you wouldn't be alone at all. Sit on this bench next to me) it's just something to be got through until you get to the interesting bits.

For what it’s worth, I think the 3month mark is very hard emotionally as you have accumulated sleep deprivation, you’ve run out of adrenaline and all the people who offered to help when you had a newborn have gone back to ‘normal’. It feels very hard going.

I think two things happen, from 12-15 weeks babies start to sleep a little bit longer between feeds and their routine gets more settled.

Also, you adjust to the new ‘normal’. For the first few weeks and months I walked around in the manner of a bereaved person grieving my lost life/independence thinking ‘how is this my life??? How is halving and buttering a bagel one-handed my greatest achievement today...’ But then I found my groove — the lack of freedom in some areas is replaced by new freedoms —napping in the day, chatting to new mum friends for ages about things you never thought you’d be interested in while the babies play on a mat, watching obscure documentaries during the night feed.

And babies do get more interesting as they become more interactive and smiley, and as you get to know your baby they become more of a pleasure to be with (an exhausting pleasure) rather than source of anxiety and tinitus. They can even be good company sometimes rather screaming complainant/unresponsive nipple-chewer.

I feel for you as I remember these days well, and it’s very hard when you know you are so lucky to have such a lovely healthy baby, but you also feel like somone has stolen the life you knew how to live and replaced it with something totally disorientating. It’s a huge adjustment but it is worth it and not all aspects of parenting are an uphill struggle —a great deal of it is brilliant, fun, lovely and instinctive (but 3 months in i would not have said this of my first! )

All strength to you!
X

Do you have a rocker? My DD hates her play at unless I sit next to her on the floor. But she loves her rocker. Popping her in that means I can cook or do housework!

Mine is 8 months now and it’s a very enjoyable age. She sleeps fairly well at night, can crawl and can entertain herself. I still lug her to the toilet etc. but she’s a lot more robust than she was and more rewarding to interact with.

I have to say, 4-6 months was hell. She didn’t sleep and all she wanted to do was feed. That was intense, but it ended!

Can you try popping him in a sling?

My gym has a crèche which is very reasonably priced. They take them from 3 months for two hours in the morning. Is that something you could do for a little break?

For me it definitely got a bit easier between
4 and 5 months when she started to settle earlier in the evenings, so I got a bit of time to myself then. Around 6 months she also started to nap a lot better so that made daytimes easier. Hang in there!