When does life with a new baby get easier?

[GoldPaperStars]

I’m a first time mum to a 12 week old baby boy. He’s got a cold at the moment, so I’m possibly be closer to the brink of madness then I might otherwise be...

I feel like I’m going mad. HOW did I not realise that life would be this relentless?! I resisted having a baby for years (my DH was desperate for one) because I have a chronic health condition and worried it would be too much for me. I also used to worry that we would be risking our lovely life and relationship for no guarantee that it would be better. Despite that I’m still shocked at how hard it all is. I think my DS is pretty average - not too difficult and not that easy. Won’t nap when not on me and screams when put down so I can do something selfish like go to the loo, but usually has a good chunk of sleep overnight and can mostly be calmed by picking him up and walking around. I just feel so claustrophobic. I want to be able to cook or pee or tidy without being screamed at. I do love him, and the smiles we’ve started getting are pure magic, but that doesn’t stop me feeling down.

When does it get easier? When could I reasonably expect to have a minute to get something done? Or some predictability to our schedule?

(And please don’t feel the need to tell me that it never gets easier or that every stage is this difficult...)

Have you thought about getting a sling? THat way you can have your hands free but he's still close to you

Every baby is totally different, I have four DC and they were all very different as babies. I found it gets easier when they start weaning so don’t rely on breastfeeding as much.

A friend of mine told me today that her sons are 25 and 30 and “still a massive pain in the arse”.

I think people get so caught up with wanting a baby they forget it grows into a child and then an adult and may always be a millstone around your neck.

It definitely gets easier! Hang in there. Started to get easier for us from about 13 months onwards... you are seriously in the trenches right now but believe me it gets so much easier once they are a bit more mobile and able to communicate to some extent. Good luck, you're doing an amazing job xx

I think regardless of what baby you get (and let's be honest, so much comes down to what you "get" rather than what you do...) I don't think there's enough awareness or openness about the immense psychological change from being a non-parent to being one. You can't suddenly come to terms with the enormity of it in just a few weeks, especially as you're thrown in at the deep end with sleep deprivation and birth recovery. It took me months (possibly longer) to really feel Ok with my new normal. To feel Ok that I'd had hopeless days where the washing stayed stuck in the machine and not dried, that I'd maybe not found time to eat properly or get dressed. I was such an efficient "can do" person and it all went to shit. I felt I had lost a huge part of me. Issues with breastfeeding didn't help, I felt soooo responsible for making sure baby was fed and it was only me that could do it. We did combo feed in the end, but I struggled to shake off the feeling I was THE ONE keeping baby alive - what a huge weight to carry. The old me did come back though - both as the baby became less dependent and as I was more embedded in our new life.

Oddly, I found the newborn stage with baby 2 fairly easy, despite an infection in my section wound, a toddler to cope with and CMPA/ reflux, and I think this was because I was already in the parent zone - I didn't have to cope with the huge mental pressure of suddenly getting life-long responsibility for someone very needy.

I suppose what I am trying to say is you're ALLOWED to need time to adjust. A few weeks into a life long commitment isn't it long to come to terms with it all. And you will. Also, the different stages just happen, suddenly before you know it, they've stopped one thing and started another. It's only hindsight that allows you to realise how short each phase is (which is why it can be infuriating when well meaning people tell you to make the most of it because you feel like you're in living hell). It definitely does get easier- even small but significant changes like when they can bounce in a jumparoo while you do a few things, or when they can walk and you finally don't need to carry them from place to place can totally transform how your day feels.

In my experience of having my own 2 and looking after countless children (childminder) when they start walking.

I don't think it gets easier. Being a parent isn't easy. The struggles just change. I have a newborn and a teenager and they both cause me stress. However overall the good times outweigh the bad.

My newborn is clingy and I found the only thing that worked was a sling.