Aggressive two year old - at my wits’ end

[AgentCooper]

This may be long but I need help. My 2.5 year old DS is so aggressive with other children. He goes to a toddler group for 2 hours, 2 days a week with me one day and his granny another (I work 3 days). If another child comes anywhere near the toy he’s playing with or God forbid takes it, he lashes out - hitting and biting. And sometimes he just does it because he knows he’ll get a big reaction and thinks it’s funny. Every other child (group of 6) was in tears today because of him.

I watch him like a hawk but sometimes this happens when I am comforting the child he has just hurt - he’s moved onto someone else. I say a firm NO, move him away, comfort the other child and explain how hitting is sore and upsets his friends. I have started putting him in his buggy for time out, and did this 4 times today.

Everyone at the group is very kind and understanding but their kids should not be collateral damage in my child’s development. I never wanted to just remove him altogether because I feel like if he just continues to spend time with me or his grandparents this won’t ever get better.

We had a behavioural visit from a nursery nurse sent by the HV team but it was useless. She just wanted to focus on the fact that he screamed and tantrummed when she entered the house and made us ignore him until he calmed down (which he didn’t until she left). He often screams at adult strangers if they try to talk to him and I know this is awful but I don’t think it should take priority over him hitting other kids.

I’ve read all the ‘good’ books - How To Talk, Sarah Ockwell Smith, Philippa Perry, but nothing helps. People say remember you’re playing a long game here but I do not want other children getting hurt in the process.

I have told him that next time he hits at the group then we are leaving straight away. Part of me thinks he’d be fine with this because he’d have me all to himself again so it may not discourage the behaviour but I don’t know what else to do.

I feel like I have no model to work from as my own mum’s anger went from 0-100 in a second. I’d get harsh punishments for really minor things and have struggled with anxiety since childhood. With the books I’d read, I was so worried that doing things like time out, isolating him, instead of ‘time in’ with lots of cuddles, would cause him to develop anxiety. But I have no other choice now.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel like there is definitely something wrong here but the HV and team won’t acknowledge this.

Thanks LittleMissEngineer. I do think I need to take him to the doctor but, to my shame, I’ve been putting it off because any time he goes he screams and cries until we leave, making it very difficult for them to talk much to me or examine him.

The folk who run the toddler group are very kind and understanding. We’re all in a group chat and I sent an apology message for today - everyone said it wasn’t a big deal, it was a phase, but they understood how rubbish I felt. There are a few parents who also have older kids and say they’ve been there but he is just so much worse than anyone else in the group.

If he enjoys going to the group, then you should tell him before you go that of he hurts another child then you will leave straight away. Then stick to it. The minute he hurts the first child, leave. Then he knows there is and will be a consequence.

I will say that my own 2yo DS did this for around a year, not the biting but the hitting and attacking. A few years on he is now the loveliest, calm natured, balanced boy you could imagine.

That’s the plan now Quirrelsotherface. I told him that today and will keep telling him.

The sad thing is that he had only just started to enjoy going again in this past month or so. During the Christmas holidays he suddenly stopped wanting to go anywhere, like soft play or museums or parks he always liked, possibly because he suddenly had DH and me to himself for three weeks and just wanted to stay and play with us at home. After Christmas he just refused to go to any of his groups (he used to go to two other groups with his granny) and would howl and cry for a good while when we got there. When he started actually wanting to go to Toddlers again and talking about it, and joining in the songs, I was so unbelievably proud of him and happy that we had persevered. But this can’t continue.

Remember he is still really young, both of mine had phases of this, I have no magic answers but it does improve with time. You need to be consistent and keep repeat ‘no’. At this age it can take a long time to sink in. They can’t vocalise their feelings properly so frustration etc comes out as aggression.

I think it’s a good idea to stick to the consequence of leaving if he does hurt someone.

First thing remember he is 2.5, and biting and not sharing is perfectly normal for that age. He needs to learn what is right and culturally exceptible an that will take time. The nN you saw sound useless, but I would discuss with the HV and continue to take to group.Encourage cooperation games such as ball rolling and playing alongside others with close supervision. Also try to identify times when he is better or worse(eg meal times, tired, new places, too many children ect.)

He is 2.5.
He cant absorb long details about what will happen if.
He needs immediate calm reaction to move him away.

But start acting.

He hits then you remove him calmly straightaway and keep him in a very boring corner of the room for couple minutes . Say "quiet hands no hitting"
Repeat as needed.

And ignoring him yes.

You could also try taking a supply of things he is allowed to bite such as carrot sticks and reinforce that its ok to bite food but not people. Children at that age do still explore and investigate by putting things in their mouths, so it's good to have things that they are allowed to bite as they learn what not to bite..

I know its annoying but this is honestly a phase. At 2-3 years old children cant Express their emotions. So when another child takes a toy they're playing with, their instant reaction is to lash out because they're mad. In my opinion though other parents shouldnt be allowing their children to just take things off another child either. My dd2 was in the habit of doing that and I told her every time, we do not just take, we ask.

I also found distraction worked quite well at that age. So if hes playing with something, another child wants to play with grab something and say "oh johnny look at this. Look what it can do. Oh wow this is great!" Sort of jump in before he gets annoyed

I don’t know if this helps really as I don’t have strategies for you but it might be cheering. This sounds like my younger brother at this age. Unbelievably difficult, used to just sprint off in public, pull things from shelves in supermarkets, banned from playgroup for biting!

He’s now one of the calmest adults I know, father of three with a very good job. He was basically fine by the time he was about 3/4 (always good at school) Just bad at being a toddler/small child. I’m one of 4 and my mum still talks about his toddlerhood in particular of being a difficult time, now 40 years ago.

I also had a bitey 2 year old. She was in full time nursery and one day we got seven incident reports, for seven different bites, and there were only nine kids in the class.

We obviously did all the usual "use your words" and things, and reminding that we "don't hurt our friends" but it seemed interminable.

One thing I didn't think would help, but did, was repeatedly reading books like Teeth Are Not For Biting and Little Dinos Don't Bite to her, for weeks in end, until she could recite the whole thing.

It passed, as these things do.

I absolutely echo the plan to leave immediately if he hurts another child. Also to see the doctor, just for reassurance and certainty.

Good luck. I know it's bloody upsetting.

My Ds was exactly the same I literally couldn't leave his side. It really was the most destressing time. The judgement from other parents, understandably was so hard. I never thought he would stop and he would grow into a violent older child. Fast forward to him being 14 and he is the most gentle teen with real emotionally intelligent. What I can take from it looking back was that he is quite introverted and doesn't really enjoy being in crowds. I can only think that having little people around him and in 'his space' was just too much for him and this was the only was he could react. I only wish I hadn't force constant interaction believing it was what he needed for his development. Neither did the other toddlers deserve the bashing from him. I still look back and see it as a really unhappy time but it will pass.

He is only 2.5.
He clearly finds being with lots of other toddlers quite stressful, even though there are some parts of the activities he enjoys.
Maybe give him a break for a few weeks, take him to the park instead, or take him for half a session.
Don't get into long discussions either before or during the group. He is too young to process all that.
If he is aggressive, just pick him up and leave immediately.
Actions are way more important than words at this age.
He is so little.
Expectations of little children are so high these days.

I have just seen that the group is 2 hours. That is long for a two year old.

OP from reading your post I think your DS is trying to tell you that he wants to spend more time with just you (and DH) so why not drop the toddler groups for 6 months and focus on doing things as a family ?

It's very hard at this age op, I remember my ds being very similar, he wasn't around many children except his cousin who was the same age, who was the most laid back toddler in the world which only made my kid look worse! He's 5 years old now and is diagnosed with high functioning autism, and he wouldn't dream of hurting anyone now on purpose. In nursery at age 3 we had issues of him hitting children who would take his toys etc but now he wouldn't dream of hurting someone on purpose. The older they get and the more than can understand your reasoning/explanation of things the easier it gets.

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful responses everyone. He is off to toddler group again this morning with his grandparents as I’m going to work. I’ve asked them to enforce the one strike and we leave rule. Generally they don’t have much trouble with him there but there are two of them so he has two sets of eyes on him always. Thinking about this last night, I was asking myself how do I miss it sometimes when he’s just about to hit someone, because it’s not like I’m sitting on my bum drinking tea and chatting. And I realised that quite often I’m engaging with another child, chatting to them, helping them choose a snack or something from the dressing up box. And that’s just because I love playing with and chatting to wee ones but I probably need to really scale that back and just tunnel focus on DS when we’re there.

@ThinkPinkStink I’ll look at those books, I’ve been wanting to order some for a while and was looking for recommendations so thank you.

It’s a relief to hear from all of you whose DCs turned out fine. I will get to the doctor with my concerns but I hope this is just a long, hard phase. He’s capable of being really gentle and lovely, he’s kind to animals so I don’t altogether feel that I’ve got a psychopath on my hands.

Do you think he’s learned that it’s an excellent way to get your attention? Try focusing solely on him next time. Tbh I’d feel a bit miffed if I were him and you were messing about with other kids...

@endofthelinefinally I agree it’s a long session. Because I know he’ll be starting nursery in January next year, doing 08:00-12:45, I’m thinking if he can’t handle two hours how will he handle that? But he will be three by then. It’s difficult because I worry that if he is never around other children then he’ll never learn how to be around them and nursery will be a nasty shock. But I may start reducing the time that we’re at the group, try an hour instead.

@InYourPhilosophy this is another tricky one because other than this group he has no other socialisation with other kids. We don’t do playdates anymore because his aggression was too much. Other than this group he is with me constantly 4 days a week and his grandparents the other 3. He only really gets DH one day a week because he spends most of the day on Sunday seeing his elderly parents (and won’t take DS because they smoke in the house). The three of us were actually away on a wee break for three days last week and we had a good time but any time another child approached DS in a museum or play area he would scream at them and often go to hit them (we always caught him in time). The nursery nurse who came round says he gets too much one on one attention from adults and needs to be around other kids more so I am so bloody confused.

@NymphadoraBonks yes I agree. That’s going to be the plan from now on. I think what I try to do if another kid approaches us is engage both then and DS but probably my attention goes too far the wrong way. And it’s probably a bit pointless as I know they don’t really play ‘with’ each other at this age.

Language skills make a huge difference. Also there is a big difference between 2 and 3 when you consider it as a third of their life time.
IME socialising with one or two children at the park is very different from 20 children in a confined space.
Also, nursery tends to be more structured and run by qualified staff.

No real advice, just solidarity, my dd hit out at children 6 times in 1 day at the Childminder's a few months back, and then to top it off ran and kicked the childminder in the shin. Mortified doesn't even begin to cover it!

Things got better when we changed the focus of our parenting to POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE with a reward chart sticker for every time we went out and she was kind to all the other children (I.e. reward being kind rather than time out for being unkind) and it worked, literally within a a few weeks.

But this was a few months ago and I am still nervous about her going to childcare or a kids group in case it happens again 🤷‍♂️

Remember alll behaviour is communication
You have realised this behaviour happens when he wants your attention.
You could show him that tapping you gets your attention
It doesn't mean you have to give him attention all the time.
Teach him to be ok
Play za game at home
Turn away for10 seconds (then build to a minute ) do your own thing then turn back
Let him know it s ok

@endofthelinefinally IME socialising with one or two children at the park is very different from 20 children in a confined space

I agree with this very much. If it hadn’t been for this absolute shiter of a winter we would definitely have been out at the park more, so fingers crossed drier/less stormy weather is coming because he loves being outside, as do I. After the Christmas holidays he wouldn’t go to soft play any more, he would just end up crying inconsolably while I tried to calm him down. So we’ve not been going to places like that either. It’s a shame because there were a few soft play places he seemed to enjoy but not anymore. This makes me feel that there’s some anxiety going on, or maybe just a very strong desire not to be in a place where he might be separated from me even for a minute. There are just so many conflicting messages out there - keep persevering going to this group, don’t bother persevering, he needs more of your attention, he needs less of your attention, he’s distressed, he’s just throwing a tantrum, completely normal, not normal at all.

@gibblescsay thank you for the solidarity. It not bloody easy, is it? So glad to hear things have moved on for your DD,

Wrap up warm and go to the play area instead until he grows out of it. It's only a phase. Go with the flow. There were always far fewer boys at toddler groups and coffee mornings when my three boys were little, because so many don't really like them.