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Original poster

Summer born dd cries every day before school

51 replies

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 17:20

First time poster, so apologies if this is the wrong place but could really do with some advice/personal experiences please.

My dd is 4 years old, born end August so one of, if not the youngest in school. I had originally planned on delaying her start until she was 5 but the school offered part time hours, and kept saying she may have to skip year 6 and go straight to secondary school, which obviously really worried me. I admit I (and dh) should have done our own research but we felt lost and thought the school knew best...

Anyway, fast forward to now (March) and dd is still part time. Every time we suggest extending her hours she begs not to. She has cried every morning bar one since January. Sometimes, she hides under the table holding onto the table legs, screaming and begging not to go to school.
Almost makes herself sick. The teachers say she's settled when there, but very quiet still. I'm worried we sent her too early and she wasn't/isn't ready emotionally for school. I want to take her out and start again in September (I'm a SAHM) but not sure if my own feelings are clouding my judgement (I walk home from drop off crying most days.) And how complicated that would be?

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

Haworthia · 10/03/2020 17:24

I would give serious consideration to taking her out and restarting her in September - although you’ll need the school’s agreement of course. I wouldn’t be able to bear my child being so miserable! From a practical consideration, would you have to submit a late application for Reception (the deadline passed in January?).

There is a summer borns FB group which is great for advice.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 10/03/2020 17:34

so go from year 5 to year 7?

I'd call the secondary school to check that.
And is strongly consider taking her out...

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 10/03/2020 17:35

But also, remember kids go to nursery full time ages 3 and under.

So the fact that she's still creating before she leaves tells me that it isn't an age thing.

Not after 6 months.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General education Primary education

Fannia · 10/03/2020 17:43

Even reception can be a lot harder than nursery though. For example in my school reception children eat lunch in the hall with the older infants, which is very noisy and busy, whereas in nursery they eat in smaller groups. This type of thing can be what might bother younger, more sensitive children.

Original poster

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 17:50

Thank you for the replies so far. I'm sorry I don't know how to respond individually. But just to say we tried her at nursery when she was 3 but pulled her out after 3 months as she basically stopped talking for the first hour after picking her up, and lashing out. BTW there's no SEN before anyone asks. She is "just" very sensitive and more of an observer than participator.

OP posts:

Haworthia · 10/03/2020 18:04

Hmm, I don’t buy the argument that just because some young toddlers have to go to nursery full time, that means the OP’s daughter’s distress isn’t an age thing.

The demands of Reception are pretty huge and a day in Reception isn’t really comparable to a day in nursery, where you don’t have to negotiate assemblies and big playgrounds and lunch halls etc. etc.

effiehabb · 10/03/2020 18:04

This was my daughter in reception, also a summer born. To be honest, it got to the point where we moved her to a nearby school that was much more nurturing.

We actually moved her the first day of Year One as a child didn't return after summer, she spent the whole summer holidays terrified of going back to the first school, she developed nervous tics and it was horrendous, that's when we decided to cut out loses as we had hoped the long summer break would settle things. Nope.

She's now absolutely thriving in the juniors at the new school, she honestly loves every moment. In fact her best friend from school one has joined her in school two which has been wonderful.

Incidentally, I think the school may be trying to scare you about retaking reception with the year 5-7 jump, as you stay with the new class and move up as normal if you go down a year. Presuming you are in England of course.

Good luck, I know how miserable it is and the effect it has on the family.

BecauseReasons · 10/03/2020 18:06

There's a group on Facebook called 'flexible school admissions for summer born children'. Join and post there to get the best advice- they really know their stuff.

Cremebrule · 10/03/2020 18:18

Do you think it is an age thing or an environment/school-specific thing? Seemingly it hasn’t got any better after an extra 6 months and she was the same with nursery. Do you think there is something else going on?

What is she like in other situations like classes or activities away from school? Are there any other options for you locally and/or could private with smaller class sizes be an option?

TheAugusta · 10/03/2020 18:38

Cant advise about whether to withdraw as my dc isn't in school but I was summer born and cried every morning for months in primary school (my poor mother!) - they eventually moved me to a class with a friend in and I was immediately fine. If it helps it was just because I loved my mum so much and has not done me any damage! Before they moved me one of the TAs used to pretend my mum had popped by when I was in assembly and had left me e.g. a toy or a note with a 'x' and that used to soothe me for the whole day. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 19:45

Thanks again for your replies. I deleted my FB account over a year ago but will look at joining again for that summer born admissions group, thanks for the heads up. We are in the UK. I think the school just don't have much/any experience with delayed starts so wanted to avoid it, and I should've pushed for more info but I was naive and thought they knew best...

OP posts:

Original poster

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 19:48

Dd is the same most settings, never really settled/joined in with toddler classes. Even with family (6 lovely but loud cousins) she's really hesitant still and takes a while to join in. She has friends at school, but she's said she has more fun at home with mummy...

OP posts:

absolutezero0k · 10/03/2020 19:49

The FB group 'summer born children at school' is also helpful for issues around just being in school generally.

Yubaba · 10/03/2020 19:53

I don’t know how the school can skip year 6, it’s a SATs year

BecauseReasons · 10/03/2020 19:59

I don’t know how the school can skip year 6, it’s a SATs year

Some schools or local authorities say this to dissuade you from applying out of cohort. Technically, they can move them from their adopted cohort into the year they would have been, but have to do it in discussion with parents and only if it's in the child's best interests (which, realistically, it's never going to be).

Original poster

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 20:01

They told us that because she'd be turning 11 just before going into year 6, most parents would obviously be applying for the secondary places at that age, so we'd have to reapply to the school for a year 6 place...I still don't understand it but it panicked us at the time

OP posts:

BoucleEponine · 10/03/2020 20:08

Just a thought ... could she try going to school in the afternoon? So she has a nice relaxed morning with you and then, after lunch, mummy needs to do some errands so DD goes into school to play for a couple of hours.

BecauseReasons · 10/03/2020 20:09

That seems like a load of codswallop to me. Your DD would be in Year 5, so her yeargroup would not be applying to secondary schools and she would just move up to year six with the rest of her class. Honestly, some schools are ridiculous about this.

ahenderson270 · 10/03/2020 20:14

Please don't shoot me down for this .. but zzz if school are saying she's settled when she's there and the upset is around the mornings .. have you simply tried not rising to it.

My youngest isn't as young as yours but he is a real stick in the mud - knows what he likes and likes what he knows. Initially he was very excited about school but that soon changed once he realised there were expectations to be met and work to be done in school and he wouldn't be getting his 'mummy days' on Thursdays without his brothers to share me with etc.

We got complete school refusal, wailing from the moment his uniform went on, refusing to eat, making himself wretch.. you name it he did it.

However the moment the door shut and I left he would merrily get on with his day, they videoed him numerous times because if I'm honest - I didn't believe them.

In the end I realised I was feeding into his 'dramatics' he'd start crying so I'd cuddle him, dress him, adore on him, sit with him with his breakfast, practically spoon feed him his cereal, carry him into school, constantly fuss and love on him .. he wasn't having to do anything independently, share me with his brothers who were pretty much having to sort themselves. So I stopped.

I would just ignore the crying and the flailing around, praise his brothers in a very OTT manner for getting dressed so sensibly, for brushing their teeth so well, for making their beds so nicely, for eating all the breakfast and clearing their pots away. Every single time he did a single thing remotely independently or without a fuss I payed the praise on thick, he was so clever, big, grown up, impressive, smart, wonderful. I'd pass him items of clothing and demonstrate where it needed to go, then angle my body so I wasn't acknowledging him until he'd start and then turn to him and adore him with praise and congratulations.

I'd lift him from the car, pass him is bag and wonder into the yard talking to one of his class mates about their bag, or shoes or coat to which he'd want to talk about his of course and follow us in..

As far as leaving went I'd made an agreement with him one evening away from tears and tantrums that I would walk him in, hang his bag and coat and help him self register, I'd kiss and cuddle him then say bye and leave.

I stuck to it religiously and school were very on board.

It took about a week to see a complete 180. Now he just behaves like his brothers and life has found a normalcy I expected from him attending school.

I'd would maybe wait until this has cracked the refusal to extend her hours but I would say it needs to be done by the summer or she's in for a rough ride come next September when she legally has to be there full time x

happytoday73 · 10/03/2020 20:15

Do you think she will be better for starting school by September? I'm not sure from your post she will be- so would hesitate as you may just be delaying problem to a time when must be full time.

Does she go to any other clubs or alike? How is she there? Does she get left with other people than you & does she cope? Is it the environment ie does she find it noisy? Many kids wear ear defenders...

I'd ask to speak to school senco even if you are sure hasnt any special needs as they are more likely to be used to dealing with kids struggling with school. She might need a smaller quieter environment.

HoldMyLobster · 10/03/2020 20:21

I have one child who was just like this. We had to take her out of pre school after several weeks of constant crying, then a year later she was happy to go to nursery.

She was clearly not ready for school at 4 and I was planning to delay her entry by a year, but luckily we moved to the US to an area where they start half days at 5 and full days at 6.

She still struggled with anxiety about going to school but she was able with help to get through it.

To reassure you, she’s now 16, very happy and confident, loves school, getting straight As and deciding which colleges she will apply to.

She has a late June birthday, but I think her issues were more related to a combination of personality and age - her older sister, also a late June birthday, had none of the same issues.

Original poster

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 20:29

Thanks again. Wish I knew how to tag posters! BoucleEponine, my parents actually suggested that today but my only concern is that she'd be so settled and happy playing that she wouldn't want to leave! But it's something I will discuss with her teacher.

Ahenderson270, I do wonder if some of it is that. I end up feeding her her breakfast and putting her uniform on sometimes, but partly just because otherwise she'd never be ready to leave the house! That was good of the school, I often wonder how much of it is lip service when they say she's fine while there

OP posts:

Original poster

Aflowerandatree · 10/03/2020 20:34

Happytoday, my dh is concerned about that, he thinks if we take her out now she'll be worse in September. But even if she sticks at it now, there's no guarantee she'll be better in September. It's all so unknown. She does struggle with loud noise and groups

OP posts:

Busymummy16 · 10/03/2020 20:42

Your daughter sounds like mine. She is very bright but struggles in a school environment. Summer born/august too. Now in juniors. Turned it to have dyslexic traits, processing problems including vision, possible sensory issues. Have you checked her sight / hearing. Sorry to say that mine is still very anxious and mostly dislikes school, although likes the social aspect. I wish I had deferred her in hindsight as although she is bright the pressure from school is massive. Year 1 is a big step change too. Far too much pressure for such little ones. Good luck!

Baker1985 · 10/03/2020 20:47

No advice but I've never heard of this before my dd is same age was 4 in August then started reception In sept youngest in the class thankfully she has settled didn't even no it was an option to keep her bk a year or do part. Had parents evening other day teachers said she isn't doing aswell as other not in them words but as good as. but then she is nearly a year younger than most of them so that would explain it. Hope your little one settles In soon

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