My son was awful and my husband did nothing

[paganchildxx]

Last week, I forgot I was supposed to give my 16 year old a lift to his friends house. He rang me, and I raced home to take him. This clearly wasn't good enough for him and he sat in the car giving me all sorts of attitude, so I pulled the car over and told him as long as he spoke to me like that we would go nowhere. He went crazy! He was puching my headrest and calling me a f*ing bch and a retd c**t. My 6 year old was sobbing and saying mummy I'm scared and my 10 year old was cowering againt the car door and crying. I turned the car around and took him straight home. He stormed up to his room and hasn't spoken to me since. As if this wasn't bad enough, I told my husband what had happened and he has done absolutley nothing. He hasn't even spoken to my son about it at all. This has made me feel awful, like my husband doesn't care enough about me to defend me and doesn't care enough about his kids to be a proper parent. We are now not speaking after I told him to grow a pair and be a proper father! Am I wrong to expect my husband to back me up? Teenage son is now VERY grounded! I just feel very alone at the moment

I would have driven your son straight to the police station and got them to have a word with him

This! It needs to be nipped in the bud, like fucking instantly and strongly. Don’t rely on your husband to fix this. Teach the spoilt little shit a lesson.

I would have tipped him out the car then and there. I once did to DS15 who was getting mouthy, and not even as bad as this.
Your DH let you down.

What a shame. Your dh could have had a really positive role here. He could have talked to your DS and encouraged him to see how wrong he was and apologise to you.

Instead he's decided it's not his responsibility. Would he have said anything if it had been another young man speaking to you like this? Or frightening his younger children? If yes, then surely he's even more reason to speak to your DS.

I'd be asking both to go and stay elsewhere for a few days and think about where you go from here. You simply can't carry on as though nothing has happened.

I will change things up now, thanks. Or perhaps, just perhaps, there is more than one way. More than one opinion. More than one method.

No need to change your parenting. But to claim the OP was passive and telling her what she needed to do etc seems like you're telling her to change up. People parent differently but I just dont agree with the other parent ignoring behaviour like this, simply because they weren't there.

That’s shocking behaviour
From both of them
Your son has treated you appallingly and as far as he’s concerned his dad doesn’t seem that fussed

No need to change your parenting. But to claim the OP was passive and telling her what she needed to do etc seems like you're telling her to change up.

Of course I was being sarcastic. I'm not actually going to change my parenting. My comments about OP situation were given because OP posted asking about the situation, I'm not telling her to do it different, I'm simply saying I do things differently. Sometimes it's helpful to take yourself out of the situation and see it from other angles. That's all.

Ok sprinkle there are many examples of you telling the OP what she needed to have done, or the reality is your DS would not have done that anyway etc and saying the OP is passive. Now it's all "hey people parent differently" I agree with that statement %100, which is why I wouldn't tell them my DC wouldn't do that in the first place etc. I'm sure before this OP might have thought the same and there is nothing passive about wanting your DHs support after your DC does something like that.

OP is sitting about waiting for him to leap to her defence.

@sprinklemagicinmyhair I have literally no idea where you get this from in the OP. You've literally just made that up. I genuinely have no idea how anyone can think that expecting to parent together means that. Especially in circumstances like this. You might as well just tell the OP to suck it up, she's on her own with this one.

Is your husband the 16 yo's father?

How involved has he been so far in the kids life? How much input has he had in their discipline?

I would have to prevent DP from wading in, by reminding him I had already dealt with it.

I do think that by just allowing your DS to ignore you and just carry on normal life, he isn't exactly being punished though. I would remove all devices and games consoles, all access to money (other than essentials like bus fares and minimal lunch money),just make life as uncomfortable as possible.

I'm stunned that your hasn't made it very clear that your DS was so far over the line it couldn't be seen and helped pull every privilege he has at home until he's apologised and taken substantial steps to be a better person.

I'd have him off the wifi, the phone, no rides, and no treats for quite some time. Completely unacceptable behaviour.

And he owes the younger siblings an apology, too.

OP you need to get your son and dh round the kitchen table..and read them both the riot act and put this matter to bed.Its been going on over a week now annd thats not healthy.Yes it was an awful situation but you dealt with it.its done.I would calmly explain that the level of disrespect and abuse you suffered was plain and simply not on ..it was the first time and it will be the very last time.The atmosphere in your home must be awful for all of you so it needs sorting today and then once both of them know how upset and disappointed you are in both of them it has to be over and you must all move on.

Sally tbh that’s the worst thing she can do. She needs to tackle her dh first and by himself and them both tackle the ds.

If she does it together they will both stick together as it will be seen as an attack on the both

Yeah I can imagine what would happen if dh tried to me and one of my dc off together..

Have you actually discussed this with your jellyfish? (I mean DH, but don’t know how to put the line through!)
I would be having a serious chat with him! He may be assuming that as you have it all under control he doesn’t need to get involved and get off his arse. (WRONG!)

I'm not sure what you expect your husband to do? Yes I would expect him to back you up but he wasn't there and it was down to you to deal with.

OP did deal with it at the time but I think this is quite an extreme incident so in this case I would expect my partner to also speak to our son after the event if this happened in our family. It just reinforces that it’s unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. I think most kids would get the seriousness of the situation more if both parents were involved. At 16 he really does need to understand that acting like this is very frightening, he’s not a small child having a tantrum anymore and he needs to be able to control his anger. Also OP wants her husband to speak to their son, so he should.

It was this kind of behaviour from XH that contributed to my difficult relationship with DD1 and the breakdown of my marriage. XH never disciplined the DC, especially DD1, and often undermined my punishments. When DD1 was a similar age to your DS, she came back from seeing my brother and spouted a load of venom at me. We had a row. XH was in bed, through a flimsy door, and claimed he never heard a word. I got into bed and was crying so loudly that both DC heard me and came through. XH told DD1, in a voice that implied she was about 4, that perhaps she hadn't been nice and in the same breath told her he had a new laptop for her. If he had not been leaving for work about 2 hours late (4 weeks away) I would have got up and left that night, and left the DC with him for good measure.

Your husband needs to have a conversation with your DS, because if he doesn't and continues to ignore this, then you will grow to resent him.

OP,

Absolutely appalling behaviour.
You handled it very well but I agree with others, the police should be involved.

Your husband by not reiterating that the behaviour was totally unacceptable, was condoning it.

I have 2 teenage boys.

A line has been crossed that can never be retracted.
He scared your two younger children.

Your son thought that behaviour was somehow acceptable.

You need to think about how ye got there?
Because that is an extraordinary display of anger to have come out of nowhere.

Hard to believe in fact.

Has he been building up to this with smaller outbursts.

Him punching the headrest was violence as far as I'm concerned.

Your husbands behaviour is unforgivable too.

I don't think you can back down.
I would want someone who behaved like that out of the house, but I have a zero tolerance for aggressive behaviour and my sons know that.

I firmly believe that children need to know that you will not tolerate certain behaviours and that you will not allow them to cross the line.

They need to believe that.

I really feel for you.
I definitely think you need to go to family and friends for support as your husband isn't.

Your husband is a disgrace, but you know that.

Don't suffer in silence in this.

Shine a fine big light on it.

My dad/mum would have given me a thrashing with wooden spoon for that. Not sayings thats right but why isnt he even angry?

I've got 8 sons, all adults now and not one of them have ever dared to have sworn in front of me, let alone at me.
They would have had their filthy mouths washed out by both me and their father quick sharp.
You should have thrown him out of the car and made him walk.
Then your husband should have given him the sharp end when he got home.
Disgusting.

How's it going, OP? Have you had words with your DH? Are you a unified front yet?

Of course he should back you and make it very clear to your son!

My DH wouldn’t have our DS talking to anyone like that, least of all me. He would be suffering the consequences now that’s for sure.

You need to deal with it and DH needs to back you up or it becomes a case to "wait till your farther gets home" and he will play you up more.