My son was awful and my husband did nothing

[paganchildxx]

Last week, I forgot I was supposed to give my 16 year old a lift to his friends house. He rang me, and I raced home to take him. This clearly wasn't good enough for him and he sat in the car giving me all sorts of attitude, so I pulled the car over and told him as long as he spoke to me like that we would go nowhere. He went crazy! He was puching my headrest and calling me a f*ing bch and a retd c**t. My 6 year old was sobbing and saying mummy I'm scared and my 10 year old was cowering againt the car door and crying. I turned the car around and took him straight home. He stormed up to his room and hasn't spoken to me since. As if this wasn't bad enough, I told my husband what had happened and he has done absolutley nothing. He hasn't even spoken to my son about it at all. This has made me feel awful, like my husband doesn't care enough about me to defend me and doesn't care enough about his kids to be a proper parent. We are now not speaking after I told him to grow a pair and be a proper father! Am I wrong to expect my husband to back me up? Teenage son is now VERY grounded! I just feel very alone at the moment

I'm not sure what you expect your husband to do? Yes I would expect him to back you up but he wasn't there and it was down to you to deal with. So now you are speaking to neither of them when what you needed to do was deal with your son and talk to your husband about the sanctions out in place. I don't think your husband needed to go and say or do anything after the event tbh, it's a bit passive of you to expect him to deal with it for you

^ A reminder to women planning to marry a man - aim to look very carefully at his upbringing & how he may have been impacted re his mother's talk & feelings on aggression towards women.

Is your DH always this pathetic?

And I hope that as well as being grounded, your 'D'S has all his luxuries taken away - console, mobile, anything and everything. And he has to earn it back, one at a time. There's not a chance in hell that shit would fly with me.

@DeeCeeCherry

A reminder to women planning to marry a man - aim to look very carefully at his upbringing & how he may have been impacted re his mother's talk & feelings on aggression towards women.

Indeed. My DS would never have been so nasty and disrespectful to me in the first place. You may judge me because I think OP was a bit passive here but the reality is I taught mine better in the first place. My son may marry a woman, he may marry a man, he may never marry but whatever he does I can assure you he has NEVER been shown aggression is acceptable. Never.

I agree your dh should back you up.

But I believe that's by not going against your punishments and if ds argues re stating why it stands.

But the above poster is correct imo. He doesn't need a man to come in and tell him not to treat the woman with respect. He needs to learn to treat everyone with respect and without violence.

If a female teacher told him off would you expect a male one to come in and repeat it because it was a woman?
If a female police officer arrested him would you expect a male to repeat the caution?

Your dh needs to support your decision and your way of dealing with it. That's backing you up.
I have raised my ds alone. He's the same age. He manages to understand the idea of overstepping the boundaries without a male coming in and repeating my words and actions.

My DS would never have been so nasty and disrespectful to me in the first place. You may judge me because I think OP was a bit passive here but the reality is I taught mine better in the first place

*Sprinkle yes I judged you actually because of your 'its all the woman's fault' stance.

You 'taught' your son? Really, yet you said what you did? OK then.

Nothwithstanding the OP is married - her son was jointly raised but never mind that, still the OP's fault + her call to sort it all out, eh?

My Ds did similar, even though we don't use those words and my Dh doesn't have a temper.

Most of the other football mums, who are very naice, tell me their sons have done similar.

Seems to be very much the norm these days, and these boys are normally very nice, doing well at a strict school etc.

Shocking!

Yes, he should have backed you up - but you do seem to be handling it perfectly.

I do hope that you are never giving the entitled little shit a lift anywhere ever again, though. He's old enough to walk or take the bus for the rest of his life.

Mind you, I wouldn't be feeding him or doing any washing ever again, either. Consequences of actions; act like a violent cunt towards somebody = you're on your own, sunshine.

I would be furious with both your son and your Dh. Your son’s behaviour was vile and your dh staying silent and doing nothing he’s basically condoned it. He didn’t have to go in guns blazing but he should’ve been up to see your son and told him his behaviour was unacceptable.

Now I know what you are trying to say, but you are actually saying the opposite.

Nope. Her husband saying nothing to their son about this is just letting it go. He's almost condoning it by his silence and I find that unacceptable. I think you're being unfair on the OP by saying she was being passive - she did the opposite of what her son wanted and quite rightly brought him home. Expecting the support of a partner (male or female) is not passive, it's a partnership.

My son is 16, if he behaved like this to either me or his dad we would absolutely show a united front.

Sprinkle yes I judged you actually because of your 'its all the woman's fault' stance.

I did absolutely not say that. Categorically did not blame 'the woman' - what I said wa so would t expect the other parent to jump in after the event, when the situation had been handled.

You 'taught' your son? Really, yet you said what you did? OK then.

I can't make head nor tail of what you are trying to get at here tbh. Yes I taught my son, I taught him how to behave in a whole manner of situations and none of them involved aggression.

Nothwithstanding the OP is married - her son was jointly raised but never mind that, still the OP's fault + her call to sort it all out, eh?

I am also married. I also raised my D.C. jointly. I did not blame her or call her to sort it all. I said in the ONE situation I would not expect the other parent to jump in after the event.

Please don't try and make me out to be a feminist issue. That's not what is happening.

I think you're being unfair on the OP by saying she was being passive

I said eh was passive in the context of sitting back feeling like her DH doesn't care. I was very clear in my first reply that I would have discussed it with mine, OP is sitting about waiting for him to leap to her defence.

OP you are absolutely right you should be getting back up from your dh. Goodness me I may not always like exdh but if either of my boys ever ever behaved like that to me both he and DP would go ballistic they would be grounded for ever more with every possible privilege taken away until they earnt it back 5 times over.

No lifts no money, no TV no anything. For those winging saying that its passive about needing back up this isn't about men and women this is about parents backing each other and adults teaching children (at 16 he is still a child in so many ways ) what is acceptable and what isn't. They look to adults as a map to tell them what to do. If that map is blank then what the hell are they supposed to understand by that.

OP I accept my DC are younger but I have nieces and nephews the same age and as batshit crazy as my sister is she would absolutely not tolerate this.

Sit your DH down and explain precisely how much he let you down , what he does with that is up to him but if I'm honest it would be clear to me I was on my own .

I'm sorry OP that's a lonely place to be

OP you are not to blame for the way he acted, nor did you not raise him right.

I would expect my DP to talk to our son (after I dealt with it aswell) how he treated you was disgusting and deserves both parents bollocking him. It's not needing your DH to rescue you, it's both raising your kid. Plus the fact your other children witnessed it aswell, nothing like a United front and all that.

OP you are not to blame for the way he acted, nor did you not raise him right.

I don't think that either. I got off on a tangent because I had a different take on it, sorry OP.

Perhaps you need to sit down with both your son and your husband. Tell your son that his siblings were scared and upset. Ask him what on Earth was going on in his head to think that was okay to behave that way. Tell him you are concerned and upset by it all. See what he says and what your husband has to say too. If it’s out of character for your son to act that way please speak to him. Silent treatment is NOT an effective form of discipline nor a good thing to model for your children.

If your husband is sulking because you told him to grow so balls he needs to grow a spine as well.

He should have backed you. And like a previous poster said, if I’d have spoken to my mother like that I wouldn’t have seen the next week. (And that would have been all my fault.)

Calling you names like that and both men of the house - they are men - sulking like two year olds when you question them? They ought to be ruddy ashamed of themselves.

Your son needs to have a bed and fuckall else in his room until he can search inside himself for some manners.

Once you got away from the confines of the car you should have given both barrels and backed up by DH.
DS should have 2 choices, apologise genuinely/profusely or use the front door and not come back! 16=old enough to accept actions have consequences.

I think gender is un necessarily biasing some replies here.

Parent A is verbally abused by child. Also scares other children. Parent reacts appropriately. Why shouldn't other parent back up the first by making it clear to child that it was totally unacceptable and not to be tolerated?
If my child did this to anyone, including my husband, I certainly would make my opinion clear. Boundaries and what is acceptable would be made very clear.

OP I agree with you.. Your husband should have supported you. He should also be concerned son scared others.

@sprinklemagicinmyhair are you mad, They are a team!

I would expect my husband to 100% back me up and give my son a bollocking.

are you mad, They are a team!

No, not mad. DH and I are also a team. If one team member isn't there then the person who is there delays with the situation.

I would expect my husband to 100% back me up and give my son a bollocking.

I would expect the backing of my DH, yes, and I said that I would have talked to him about what sanctions were in place, that would be so he could back me up with enforcing them. What I wouldn't expect would be for DH to go and give anyone a 'bollocking' because while we are a team, and have been for a very long time, we discussed long ago that if one or the other had words or reason to disciple a D.C. that - A. the person would not be overridden or undermined and B. the D.C. would not get into trouble for the same offence twice. So yes, back me up, don't let them use their phone or whatever, but no to giving them another bollocking

*deals with - not delays

Wow that's shocking and for your other dc too . What was your dh reaction when you told your dh I mean was he shocked or anything what did he say ?
The fact your not a team and your ds thinks he can speak to you like shit is pretty shocking has he got this from your dh does he treat you like shit ?

This whole "only the parent that was there deals with it" is a load of shite. Yes in lots of cases one parent telling the DC off is enough but never allowed to tell of your DC if you weren't there just doesnt work in every scenario. Phone call from school your DC has been bunking and assaulted another pupil - Both parents tell them off. DC gets arrested for shoplifting - Both parents again. Didnt tidy their room? Then obviously one parent needed. (I'm talking about households that have both DM and DF obviously)

If my DD did that to DP, being that aggressive with her younger sisters in the car, too right as her parent I will speak to her because if I'm there or not I would be very disappointed/upset they behaved that way.

Your son behaved in this way and hasn’t spoken to you for a week?

How utterly appalling.

What punishments have you dished out so far op?

This whole "only the parent that was there deals with it" is a load of shite.

Oh. Ok. Silly me. Parenting done wrong for 19 years. I will change things up now, thanks.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, there is more than one way. More than one opinion. More than one method. Maybe what works for some doesn't work for others. Maybe people are different.

Or yeah, maybe my parenting is just as load of shite'