Nobody RSVPing to party - could it be cultural reasons?

[CoodleMoodle]

DD is having a bouncy castle birthday party next weekend. We've invited her whole class, a few of the other class, and 4 other friends. So far we've only got 11 coming, including DD and DS.

Out of the 29 other kids in her class, we've heard back from 9. Two can't come, one told DD he doesn't want to, one might be able to, and three of them can come but I had to text (unfortunately I don't have anybody else's number). Two others from her class, one from the other class, one neighbour and two family friends are definitely coming.

I'm sad for DD that hardly anybody can attend, but I'm also annoyed that nobody is RSVPing. I know there's still a few days to go, but we had this problem last year, and that time we only invited about 20 (venue had a max capacity). We ended up with 12, and nobody turned up without RSVPing. I had to ask parents in the playground if they got the invite, which wasn't so bad as Reception have their own playground. In Year 1 it's more of a free for all, and I'm not sure who everybody is! I hated asking parents, but I'll have to do it for DD. She did ask two kids by herself and they both said no (one did say she was sorry but she couldn't, the other just said no), she just looked so crushed.

I was wondering if it was a cultural thing, though. Out of the 30 kids in DD's class, 20 are from Asian families (mostly from India or Pakistan), 4 from Eastern Europe, and 6 are British. I read that very strict Muslim families don't celebrate birthdays, so could that be the reason? I'm not sure if any of them as especially strict, but I don't know any of them very well. I don't want to be insensitive and leave anybody out, and DD is kind hearted and wanted to invite everyone. If they can't/won't come by default, though, then it's probaby not worth it and next year we'll have to do something smaller for just a couple of friends.

If it is a cultural thing and they're never going to accept invites then that's fine. I'd just like to know, really! I'm fairly certain they all took the invites home, because the lovely TA made sure they weren't left in drawers etc. They could've lost them or not given them to their parents, I suppose.

DD is quite disheartened about it so far and I'm really hoping that just a couple more can. Her face fell when she saw the small list of who was coming, including her and her brother.

When did you give them out?

It’s quite normal to not get rsvps until about 2-3 days before, no matter when you ask for them. I think it’s pretty amazing you’ve heard from 19 of them already. I don’t think it’s cultural at all.

We gave them out last Monday (when we came back from half term), and the TA checked drawers etc on the Tuesday. Last time we gave them out a month before and thought that was too long. Maybe it wasn't long enough this time, but didn't want to do it before half term in case people were busy and lost them, etc.

I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, and DD will have a good time anyway. It was just the way she questioned why hardly anybody came to her party! She was so shy before starting school and has made friends with pretty much everyone in her class, and was so happy to invite them all.

I will never understand the mentality of people who CBA to RSVP to parties like this. I did forget to actually RSVP on time to a family friend’s just once (luckily they’re close enough to basically assume we’d be there anyway) and when they messaged to double check I was just thoroughly mortified. Sorry, OP. I hope your DD has a great time.

This is the real raison d’être of the class WhatsApp group, apart from forgotten homework etc. As soon as DS’s class parents made one in Year One, organising parties got about fifty times easier.

DS had lots of Muslim kids in his class at his old school, and while they tended not to do after-school play dates because the kids went on to Islamic school, I think most of them went to at least some class parties. But we lived in a quite Muslim area, so there was always Halal food available at party venues, and as we’re strictly vegetarian, their kids weren’t going to be offered non-Halal food at our house.

@UhKevin
Yes, this is what's annoying me! It's not so much that they can't or won't come for whatever reason, it's more that they're not letting me know. Luckily we're not paying per head or anything, but I need to know numbers for food, party bags, and so on.

And thank you, I'm sure she'll have a good time anyway. If not many people show up I'm planning on bigging up the "at least you don't have to take turns on the bouncy castle!" angle

@FuchsiaBay
It's times like this when I wish there was a WhatsApp group! Or a Facebook group, or anything. At least then I'd be able to ask everyone at once and not have to hunt parents down in the playground...

I did wonder about the food issue. DH did the invitations and he put to let us know about dietary requirements. Maybe I should've been more specific and reassured that we'd have strictly vegetarian food? Couldn't go vegan because of the cake, but everything else would've been okay.

In the same boat and feeling upset no one bothered to RSVP. It's the first time inviting the whole class for us. We live in a predominantly white area and we are Asian ( Buddhist and no strict dietary restrictions as such) was honestly thinking maybe it's because of that! Glad I'm not the only parent feeling the angst. Thankfully I'm planning to invite some of my friends along with their children too. Hopefully DD will not notice.

I think it’s normal but I understand your irritation. At whole class birthday parties for our kids we’ve generally heard back from 15-20, got about 10-15 coming and the rest don’t reply or come. Friends have had a similar ratio.

@pepinanalilyplant
Ah, I'm sorry it's happening to you as well. If we had more friends with kids then we definitely would be inviting them. I've even thought about letting siblings stay (lots of them the same age as DS), and parents as well if they want! Anything to make my DD feel better about it. One parent said their DD couldn't come because she has to go to work, and I felt like offering to pick her up and take her home again afterwards if it meant she could come. But at least the Mum let me know!

I hope things work out for you, and that your DD has a wonderful time anyway. And I hope it's not down to cultural reasons. My DD would most likely be attending if she was in your child's class!

@oncemorewithfeeling99
It's so annoying, but I get that it's normal. I do find it quite rude, though. DD has been invited to two birthday parties during her 2 years at school (same child both times) and I did my best to RSVP as soon as I could. Obviously people are busy or genuinely forget... but nearly all of them!?

And I'm slightly worried that of the 9 guests, some of them will be unwell or unable to come on the day.

Each of the mothers will know other mothers. Can you message (or ideally speak to if you do drop offs) a couple of the ones who are coming, just explain you don't understand why you haven't heard back, and hope that they will ask around and drum up a bit more replies? If you know any mothers who are alpha types all the better!
This drove me mad over the years. I found that people take a long time to reply. The ones who did not reply did not come however. Some of the ones who did reply brought siblings. Sometimes my own dc has left an invite in his bag until after the party date (at which point I've messaged and apologised profusely). I think some people genuinely don't know what RSVP means. I tend not to put it in English "please let me know if you can or can't come on this number and by this date, for catering reasons".

To be fair, the one saying she couldn't come because of work might have been hoping for a invite to take the child with you!
Try some play dates too as children you've had one on one time with seem more likely to reply (for next year!)

@ThroughTheGate
I would absolutely do that, but to be honest nobody whose child is coming is really friendly with anybody who hasn't responded, if that makes sense. Otherwise I'd be on that straight away!

It really, really doesn't help that there's a language barrier (many of the parents don't speak much English at all), and I'm kicking myself/DH for putting RSVP rather than "please respond by"!

And yes, it was only when I got home on Friday that I thought that! If I see her on Monday then I'll ask if she could drop off early or pick up a bit later (we've got the hall for an hour either side of the party to set up), or if we could help in any way. As we walked away I thought I heard her DD questioning if she really couldn't go, and that broke my heart as well!

I might be outing myself as I'm not sure if anyone else has ever done this - but I put a reminder invite out (this was at nursery) to all the people who hadn't replied a few days I think before it happened. Worth a shot, they can get easily lost.

If you've car space and want that child to come, easiest by far for the mum would be if you said she could drop her off and collect from you.

(Ie your home, not the hall)

@CoodleMoodle thank you for that lovely message. We've gone to a lot of trouble to organise this party and DD is very excited about it. All my friends children are quite a lot older than DD but I've invited them anyway and hopefully DD will be distracted by familiar faces. We have no family to invite unfortunately.

Wishing your DD a very happy birthday when it comes and hope she has a lovely party!!!

Indian and Pakistani muslims don’t tend to be the ones who don’t celebrate birthdays. . It’s more likely that you haven’t given enough notice - sending invites out two weeks beforehand for a weekend party doesn’t seem like enough time especially if parents are working and so may have booked their weekends already.

@ThroughTheGate
I'll definitely try to catch whoever's drops her off on Monday and ask! It's worth a try.

@pepinanalilyplant
Thank you, I'm sure she'd have a good time even if it was just her and her little brother! Understand completely about not having any family to ask. Good luck with your party!

@GrumpyHoonMain
It's three weeks. Last week, this week just gone, and this week coming. There is still a week to go so maybe people will respond in the next few days. Last time we gave a month's notice and had the same issue! Really not sure how long is "right". Too long and people forget, surely?

If you collect from school just ask the parents then.But theres always one parent who has everyones number,just ask them.

I hope you get some more replies and that your DD has a lovely party.

It is very rude of people not to RSVP, but we seem to live in a world where rudeness is becoming quite common. Hopefully it will be more a case of parents leaving it until the last minute to reply.

I teach Esol to new arrivals who are mums ( East Asian mostly ) with primary age kids. We studied party invitations last week and nobody knew what RSVP meant . Most said they never invite kids that they don’t know and were really uncomfortable about the idea of drop off parties . Or even knew about the “ play date” culture .
Thinking about it though , my daughter usually invites kids we have over for play dates so then I already have their contact details and their parents know us and the house.

I think culture does play a part in it. Many Asian families at my DC's junior schools and like you rarely received rsvp's from them. Many have family commitments, weddings and a culture of not mixing outside their group. Those that did tend to mix more were 2nd/3rd generation and were more aware of the accepted etiquette surrounding these matters.