Nobody RSVPing to party - could it be cultural reasons?

[CoodleMoodle]

DD is having a bouncy castle birthday party next weekend. We've invited her whole class, a few of the other class, and 4 other friends. So far we've only got 11 coming, including DD and DS.

Out of the 29 other kids in her class, we've heard back from 9. Two can't come, one told DD he doesn't want to, one might be able to, and three of them can come but I had to text (unfortunately I don't have anybody else's number). Two others from her class, one from the other class, one neighbour and two family friends are definitely coming.

I'm sad for DD that hardly anybody can attend, but I'm also annoyed that nobody is RSVPing. I know there's still a few days to go, but we had this problem last year, and that time we only invited about 20 (venue had a max capacity). We ended up with 12, and nobody turned up without RSVPing. I had to ask parents in the playground if they got the invite, which wasn't so bad as Reception have their own playground. In Year 1 it's more of a free for all, and I'm not sure who everybody is! I hated asking parents, but I'll have to do it for DD. She did ask two kids by herself and they both said no (one did say she was sorry but she couldn't, the other just said no), she just looked so crushed.

I was wondering if it was a cultural thing, though. Out of the 30 kids in DD's class, 20 are from Asian families (mostly from India or Pakistan), 4 from Eastern Europe, and 6 are British. I read that very strict Muslim families don't celebrate birthdays, so could that be the reason? I'm not sure if any of them as especially strict, but I don't know any of them very well. I don't want to be insensitive and leave anybody out, and DD is kind hearted and wanted to invite everyone. If they can't/won't come by default, though, then it's probaby not worth it and next year we'll have to do something smaller for just a couple of friends.

If it is a cultural thing and they're never going to accept invites then that's fine. I'd just like to know, really! I'm fairly certain they all took the invites home, because the lovely TA made sure they weren't left in drawers etc. They could've lost them or not given them to their parents, I suppose.

DD is quite disheartened about it so far and I'm really hoping that just a couple more can. Her face fell when she saw the small list of who was coming, including her and her brother.

Definitely offer to have the little girl whose mum is working, either pick her up or have her dropped at your house for the day. Sounds like she'd like to go, so it's just logistics. Don't be shy to tell the mum that you're struggling with numbers, since she might feel bad that she's imposing on you.

Maybe also make it clear to parents that they're welcome to stay. Year 1 is still quite young, and they may not feel comfortable dropping off, especially if they don't really know you. And yes - that siblings can come too. Otherwise, parents often can't manage the logistics, so they say no.

Get a couple of boxes of biscuits and some juice for the parents, set up on a table - they can help themselves. If there's hot water and you can offer tea you get double Brownie points, but you'll probably need a friend to help with making the tea or just tell them to help themselves (which is fine)

You've still got a week to get more of her friends parents to agree, but you probably do need to be quite active about it and find a way to ask parents directly individually.

Plus side is that if they do come, you're building up positive links with her friends parents, which you can build on with playdates.

I think it probably is a cultural issue but there's no harm in sending out a reminder invitation which is very simply worded (for those that don't speak English), refers to the food and asks people to reply to tell you if they can come or not, clarify that you're not expecting presents (I'm sure your DD would love a stash of presents but it might be putting people off coming if they can't afford it or just don't know what to get) and explain that parents/siblings are welcome to stay.
Is your DD's class representative of the cultural mix across the school? If so, it might be worth mentioning it to the teacher who may well say that this is something that they have noticed before with the different cultures not really mixing outside the school gate.

My DCs Muslim friends do worry about food at parties.
DS has a good friend whose mum knows me well and asks me but the rest tend to turn down invitations unless they are at a known venue.
Others will not have the culture of parties with lots of school friends (the good friend has family parties I think) so they may not appreciate the RSVP issue.

I previously lived in an area with a significant Asian community. RSVP-ing wasn’t really part of the culture. Even for weddings, people just showed up (or not).

I’d try to catch parents on Monday but if no joy could you put another note in book bags clearly explaining that for catering purposes you do need to know exact numbers by Thursday? Plus offer any reassurance about food, parents staying, siblings etc if you like.

ffsDont blame culture and religion for people's rudeness, that is how divides start.

I know lits of muslims who don't celebrate birthdays but allow their children to go not to miss out but equally respond if they don't want their child part of it.

Unfortunately they are just rude in not responding.

I found its usually poor families finding the whole thing awkward and dreading it due to costs or those with chaotic life styles that dont rsvp rather than a cultural thing.

I did the first party for DS last weekend - he turned 4 and is in nursery. I was fully expecting from reading other MN threads to have RSVP issues! I sent out invites 4 weeks ahead of the party and found I did have a flurry of last minute RSVPs in the week before the party so you might get some more this week (guess some people wait to see if they have anything better to do!)
I also had one RSVP on the morning of the party and 2 turn up who hadn’t replied, so lucky I’d done some spare party bags - suggest you do the same! There are lots of Asian families at DS’s nursery but they all replied so I don’t think it’s cultural in particular.

Thanks for all of your responses! I've just put DS down for his nap, so I can reply properly.

@Dustarr73
I do drop off and pick up but nobody hangs around. A lot of the kids are picked up by grandparents as well, and different people on different days so I'm never sure who's who. Definitely no parent with everyone's number!

@eaglejulesk
Thank you, I'm sure she will. I'm hoping that we get just a few more responses, but that didn't happen last time. I had to chase pretty much everybody! I've got enough party bag stuff for everyone, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem if anyone does show up unannounced.

@metalkprettyoneday
This is exactly what I was imagining, and it's fair enough. If it's not part of their culture then that's fine, and I really do wish we'd written "please respond to" instead of RSVP. A 'no' is fine, but not letting me know at all is a pain! And I'm more than happy to let parents/siblings stay, although I wouldn't be able to cater for them too much.

@nowahousewife
I do understand that people have other commitments (cultural or otherwise), that's not a problem! We invited everyone so we'd have a chance at a decent turn out, but that didn't go to plan.

@Nordicwannabe
Oh, I'm definitely going to ask! There's another girl who might be in the same boat (who told DD that she wanted to come) and I might ask the same of her. I have no issue with parents staying, I'm sure some of them will. I had to stay when DD went to her first party, but only because she cried!

@cobwebsoncornices
It's a good idea to send out a reminder, but I'm not sure there's enough time. I'd either have to hand write it, or DH would have to print it out tomorrow at work. If we can then we will! DD said she wanted to stand up and remind people in class when they sing happy birthday to her this week, that's how desperate she is for people to come! And we're absolutely not expecting presents, DD knows that (I hope!). All she wants is for people to be there. I should've written that on the invites as well.

@drspouse
We do have one little girl who is a Muslim coming, she's had two parties herself (DD attended both) and I think her parents are very relaxed about it. Her Mum was one of the parents I had a number for because of that, so I could check. At her last party we did have two other Muslim children attend, but I can't remember who their parents are, so I haven't been able to check with them yet.

@Blueladybird
Our part of town has a very high Asian population, hence DD's class mix. And the diversity is great! I just wish I'd realised that it could be a cultural thing to not want to or not be able to, before we came up with hiring a hall, etc! Next time we're just going to have a few friends over for a tea party, I think.

@Howdy1212
I'm not trying to make it about culture or religion specifically, I was just trying to work out if that could be the reason rather than the kids not liking DD or something! It could well be that people genuinely are busy or just don't want to come, and thats fine. I'd just like to know, that's all.

@Gracebelly
I really wish we'd put something about not needing a gift on the invite. DD is getting plenty from us (and we're not exactly rolling in it!) and just wants her friends to come and play at her party. And if it was down to chaotic lifestyle or whatever then there's not much we can do, but a polite "no thanks" is all we need!

@DinoGreen
I'm hoping we do get some more this week, but tbh I'm doubtful. The same thing happened last year and I should've learned my lesson then! I've got plenty of party bag stuff and there will be loads of room in the hall, but the food is the problem. I'm not expecting anybody extra to turn up, but if they do I'll have to send DH up to the shops for more supplies during the party!

We sent 30 invites before the week off and have had 5 yes 6 no and the rest haven't answered
Unfortunately the party falls on mother's Day weekend and I didn't realise.

We found that some Asian families don't do play dates or birthday parties. It upset my girls as we moved from an area where this wasn't an issue. I don't want to generalise because they had Asian decent friends who did socialise but a significant proportion did not including all the Muslim families

@LipstickTaserrr
Ah no, that's a shame. We did ours 3 weeks in advance this time, last time it was 4! Seems to make no difference whatsoever with people actually responding. Any less would be too short notice, IMO, and any more and people would forget.

Good luck with your party, I hope a few more say yes!

@okiedokieme
Yes, this. DD likes everybody in her class and, so far, is friends with them all. She's too young to understand it might never happen, but I've tried to explain it a little to her. I've also said that some people just don't "do" parties, no matter where their families are from. She's disappointed but if that's how it's going to be for the next 5 or so years, then that's that. Hopefully she'll have made some more out of school friends by next year. We should be invited some of the girls from Rainbows, but it would probably be too short notice now.

Forgive me for mentioning the obvious, but surely coronavirus fear may play a part in all of it? People may be anxious about committing to spending time in a group

I would honestly go with the reminder - if your dh prints on Monday you can hand out Tuesday and that's loads of time before the weekend. Better than your wee one making a speech to her classmates
It's the parents who need the reminder I imagine not the children.

The generalisation here is a bit worrying on this thread! I'm Asian but not Muslim or mainstream religion. The two friends who have responded to the invitation are the only two Muslim families in the pre school!

We attended a party last year where only 3 children turned up from nursery after invitation were sent out to all. As i mentioned up thread this is a prominently white area with only 3 children from Asian background. I think this happens regardless of culture.

@solasum
Perhaps? I didn't consider it tbh, seeing as the kids are all school together all day anyway. But it's a possibility I suppose.

@throughthegate
We might well do, although then we have the problem of the reminders not going home either! But I'll talk to DH and see if he'd be able to print anything off.

@pepinanalilyplant
Apologies for any generalisation on my part. I think I've just been clutching at straws tbh. Nobody in the class, no matter their race or religion, has bothered to respond except for 2. I've had to chase everyone else I've heard from. I'm not saying it's "an Asian thing" at all, because I don't think it is. I just don't want to offend anybody by inviting (or not inviting) them, and wanted to make sure that we haven't done it wrong by doing so! DD just wants to have fun at her party, with as many of her friends as possible!

@CoodleMoodle I feel your pain... I'm anxious on DDs behalf as well. I know it's just a children's party.

We've had some luck this morning.. I texted a few parents I had numbers from previous parties and they have all responded almost immediately. Maybe people just forget.

Sending out a reminder ( hand written or otherwise) maybe a great idea and remind anyone you see on the school run.

Keeping everything crossed for your wee girl.

See once you have one party where people have rsvp'd, you straight off have a list of phone numbers for parents you can use in the future.
A printer is about £30, you are likely to need to print school stuff in the future, I would invest!

@pepinanalilyplant
Ah, good news for you! Glad you've had some responses. It's so hard to not be anxious about it, when it's your child's feelings on the line. Maybe they won't even notice! But it's difficult. So much easier when they were babies and this sort of thing didn't matter!

@throughthegate
The only reason I've got anybody's numbers is because they're the parents who turned up last time and I took those numbers in case we needed them.
Annoyingly, we have a printer, but it's out of commission, hence having to rely on DH doing it at work.

I wouldn’t expect people to respond unless they’re actually planning to come, some might but it’s reasonable for people not to, especially if they don’t even know you. If you haven’t heard anything 2 weeks after sending out the invites I’d assume that it’s a no.

It seems to happen more and more now that people don't RSVP.

DD is 14 and when I sent invites out for her whole class parties I'd get nearly 100% response rate. DS is 7 and its much harder to get replies though people do usually get back eventually..

I don't think its cultural as lots of Muslims in both DD and DS's years and the vast majority both turn up and have their own parties. These is one lady who's said to me that they don't do birthdays but even then they invite all the children to a huge Eid party every year which is lovely :)

Pressed send too soon. The worst party I ever had from a stress point of view was for DS. His 4th just before he left pre-school. Of 25 invites sent out I got 4 responses from people saying yes. One no and one from someone who sent a text which literally said "Just to let you know we'll come if we've nothing better to do". NINETEEN turned up plus 4 bought siblings... I'd catered for 10 on a just in case a few extra turn up basis. DP ordered pizza... lots and lots of pizza :)

@BillysMyBunny
I guess so! Maybe I was expecting too much by thinking people would let me know. I don't mind so much if they can't come. But I do think I gave plenty of notice!