To think DP should not get an ASD related tattoo for DS?

[CustardDoughnutz]

Our DS who is 4 has recently been diagnosed with ASD. DP has tattoos dedicated to his two children from a previous relationship and plans to get one for our DS as well. The tattoos he's already got are based around his children's names, times they were born etc. He wants to get something related to autism as his tattoo for DS but I feel weird about it. I think there are other things that define our DS than his Autism and so many things he could get tattooed that represent DS.
Obviously it's his choice and he can have whatever he wants tattooed on his body, I just feel a bit strange about the idea. AIBU?

I think it's good to discuss the design together, like you said it's ultimately his decision what permanent design he gets on his body and should be personal. I think it's coming from a good place where he wants to show his support and how proud he is of ds. Ive seen some lovely puzzle piece and mixed colour tattoos in relation to autism, maybe have a look together to incorporate his ideas with yours for something sentimental x

That's a really odd idea. Encourage him to have something with your son's name or something related to him that is t ASD.

I think it’s a bit odd too. Your son may have autism but it doesn’t have him and he’s way more than that. Can’t your DP get something else related to him like his time of birth or something associated with his interests ?

Hi OP,

It looks like you might have posted in Pregnancy accidentally. We're going to move this to Chat now.

It’s a bit hurtful that your DS is his autism kid. Of all the people I’ve known on the spectrum ASD would never strike be as one of their defining characteristics.

Yep. I wouldn't want my kid defined by autism, either. I get that DP is coming from a good place, but even positive and accepting attitudes to autism can sometimes lose sight of the fact that the kid is a kid still.

It might be a difficult thing to put across without sounding critical, but maybe suggest that when he's older, your boy won't want to be identified by his condition in such a permanent and unavoidable way. Every time he sees his dad, it'll be there. His autism.

Speaking from the perspective of an autistic adult I’d like to make a couple of points. Many of us in the Autism community hate the puzzle piece, we are not a missing piece and we do not have a piece missing.
Many of us do feel we are defined by our autism and are proud of it. We are wired up differently, we like the fact that we can ( and do) think differently.

Sorry, we also like to use ASC as opposed to ASD. (Condition not Disorder).

Definitely didn't intend it for the pregnancy board! Ooops!
Thank you for the replies, I was struggling to find a way to articulate how I felt about it.
I can imagine that the puzzle piece is disliked in the community. Especially when it's used by someone without Autism to describe those with.
Like a PP said, I feel like our DS will resent the tattoo in time as essentially his dad will have his condition tattooed on him and no more.
I think something in keeping with his other tattoos would do just fine. A time piece and a name perhaps and just leave DS's condition out of it as it's not all there is to him.

Agree with you. He’s being mawkish. Your son might not appreciate it when he’s older. His tattoo should be in the same vein as his siblings.

Your ds should not be defined by a diagnosed condition!
He’s son of custard who also happens to have blonde hair, green eyes, likes to read Going on a BearHunt and has autism.
At least ask your dh to wait before he makes such a decision. Personally I’d be livid if my dh did this.

A 4 year old has potential regardless of AS diagnosis or not. His personality and interests are still developing. Just like his other DC. HIBU

I would imagine as it’s a recent diagnosis emotions are running high and he probably wants to show he’s supportive of the fact ds has autism etc. My dh felt the same (our ds is now 7 and was diagnosed at 2.5). I would encourage him to wait and while and see how he feels. It’s a bit of a knee jerk reaction at this stage I think.

@Gilead. Thank you for that info re ASC. I am a SEN teacher and will use that term from now on and also mention it to colleagues.
OP, the tattoo is a very bad idea.

Many people in the Autism community do think the condition is an integral part of who they are and take pride in it. This is why they choose to refer to themselves as an 'autistic person' rather than a 'person with autism'. In somewhat the same way you might think of being a girl or woman, yes there may be some problems related to your sex, but there are also good and neutral things
and it's a big part of your make-up. Having your parents be positive about it (while not forcing you into stereotyped gender roles, of course) is going to help you grow up with better self esteem. Similarly autism is a really big part of who you are, even though it doesn't define you it affects so much of what you do, and if your parents are positive about it that can be really helpful.

I would get your dh to think about where he is coming from with regard to the tattoo and if it's a positive thing I wouldn't be against it.

I have asd and think dc might find that awkward when older like he's defined by the autism , he should go for a name or similar to his other dc.

What Fannia said. For some people autism is who they are and, like any personality type, has many positive things to add to their lives even though there may also be some negatives. Maybe your DS will feel supported if who he is is openly acknowledged and embraced as a positive.

I cannot think of anything more gross.

Thank you for that info re ASC. I am a SEN teacher and will use that term from now on and also mention it to colleagues.

Not all autistic people feel that way, plenty including myself are not only fine with ASD we prefer it to ASC. I've never come across an autistic person in real life who does prefer ASC actually. So please don't think Gilead speaks for all autistic people and never use the term ASD again.
I know some don't like ASD because of the word disorder. But what is autism if not disordered development? That's hardly something to get offended about, just fact. If we didn't have a disordered development we wouldn't be autistic after all.

I cannot think of anything more gross.

Tone down your language and sentiment. Publicly acknowledging ASD is not gross, it may not be appropriate here as we don't know the DH's motives or how their DS will feel about it all when he is older, but it's not 'gross'.

But what is autism if not disordered development? That's hardly something to get offended about, just fact. If we didn't have a disordered development we wouldn't be autistic after all.

I think the point is that many respects in which ASD is a disorder are determined in comparison to NTs and in relation to living in a NT world. If NT sets the norm, then ASD is a disorder, but another way to look at it is that all of it is difference. Also, if the world was an ASD adapted world then the NTs would have a disability as they would struggle to adapt.

Of course, because ASD is a spectrum this kind of way of looking at it will be more relevant to the experiences of some people on the spectrum than others.

ASD/ASC parent of teenager here! Im sure your partner means well, he is probably trying to be supportive and certainly shouldn't be condemned for getting it wrong, but I do think that it would be better not to get a tattoo. Your child may or may not appreciate the gesture and it doesn't seem to be worth taking the risk. Just explain your concerns to him in a way that is not critical and suggest getting name and date like the others and perhaps get a supportive t shirt instead? Like this one for example: www.zenik.mobi/puzzle-heart-shirt-for-dad-mom-of-autistic-child-tee/?sku=22-19428-95796300-61739461882&gclid=CjwKCAiA44LzBRB-EiwA-jJipM0sFJbrAlwE6dmuGCe0FhlEoVwh4ximu2JgIUchivXKVX2Eh_grAxoC6AcQAvD_BwE

By the way, I regard autism as a difference, not a disorder, my son is fantastic in many ways and will hopefully be starting university next September. We use the word autism or autistic mostly but I often use ASD when talking to others because it is widely understood.

Booboostwo Thu 05-Mar-20 10:15:13
I cannot think of anything more gross.

Tone down your language and sentiment. Publicly acknowledging ASD is not gross, it may not be appropriate here as we don't know the DH's motives or how their DS will feel about it all when he is older, but it's not 'gross'.
.......
What I meant was tattoos are gross regardless of sentiment behind them.

I think the point is that many respects in which ASD is a disorder are determined in comparison to NTs and in relation to living in a NT world. If NT sets the norm, then ASD is a disorder, but another way to look at it is that all of it is difference. Also, if the world was an ASD adapted world then the NTs would have a disability as they would struggle to adapt.

Yeah, i don't see autism that way. I don't think it's a disorder (or a disability) only in comparison to NTs and living in a NT world. Nor do i buy that NT people would be disabled in an ASD adapted world. For one thing, what would an ASD adapted world look like? I mean lots of autistic people have conflicting issues, and it's not possible to accomodate every autistic person's needs at once.
There are plenty of aspects of autism that are a disorder/disability full stop, aspects that are disabling regardless of whether you live in an NT world or some imagined autistic utopia.

As for autism being a "difference" rather than a disability, well that's a real kick in the teeth to read when you're an almost 30 year old living at home with no job or social life. And I'm supposed to be "high functioning." Yeah, the whole autism is a difference not a disability thing really makes me mad. As does the insistence by some people that only those with severe autism are disabled and the rest of us are just "different."
If autism is a difference and not a disability why bother diagnosing it at all?

By the way, I regard autism as a difference, not a disorder, my son is fantastic in many ways and will hopefully be starting university next September.

You can accept autism is a disability or a disorder and still think your child is fantastic. Or do you not think people with a disability can be "fantastic in many ways?"
Also if you think autism is a difference and not a disorder then why bother having the diagnosis for your child? I'm curious about the parents who insist autism is neither a disorder nor a disability. So you never claimed DLA for your child then? Or they never received any support or reasonable adjustments at school?
Because if you accept those things whilst proclaiming autism isn't a disorder or a disability that makes you a massive hypocrite.