To think DP should not get an ASD related tattoo for DS?

[CustardDoughnutz]

Our DS who is 4 has recently been diagnosed with ASD. DP has tattoos dedicated to his two children from a previous relationship and plans to get one for our DS as well. The tattoos he's already got are based around his children's names, times they were born etc. He wants to get something related to autism as his tattoo for DS but I feel weird about it. I think there are other things that define our DS than his Autism and so many things he could get tattooed that represent DS.
Obviously it's his choice and he can have whatever he wants tattooed on his body, I just feel a bit strange about the idea. AIBU?

What I meant was tattoos are gross regardless of sentiment behind them.

That is a massive drip feed. You may want to ask MN to delete your original post.

Yeah, i don't see autism that way.

You don't have to, but some people do. There is a very complex discussion on what counts as an illness or a disability in the first place, and it is contentious without any reference to a particular conditions. There are objective and subjective elements to the disagreement, there are questions about how we define normalcy (biological norm, statistical norm, teleological norm), there are social aspects to the definition and medical aspects (as well as discussions of how what counts as medical is socially influenced), etc.

@JanMeyer I'm sorry you are feeling so down and I in no way mean to dismiss problems you are having. I do regard autism as a difference and not a disorder, as I regard all differences. People with many different kinds of issues need and should get extra support and that certainly includes autism. We are mainly discussing semantics and attitudes here. Is someone who is different from the norm 'disordered' or 'disabled'.

Some people, my son included, object to being called disabled. Is it not possible to support people who need it without labeling them in a way that implies being in some way lesser? As I am sure you know, many, many people with autism have acheived great things as have people with many other issues that make them different from the norm. Many others have lived their lives like the rest of us, just getting along, having ups and downs but getting by which is ok too. I'm sorry you can't find a job, it's very difficult these days. Could you go back to school/university or have you done that already?

My DH had a similar idea, in the end he went for the name and dob same as for the other dc, and then a separate tattoo not related to the dc at all, which had a puzzle piece as part of the design.
He wanted to have the ‘different not less’ wording added, but the tattoo artist convinced him it was overkill.
It’s not really to my taste (and I’ve got 3 tattoos myself) but it was important to DH to acknowledge his support for DS and this is how he wanted to do it.

@JanMeyer, I'm so sorry life is so hard for you. I'm retired now, but my job was lecturing about ASCs and I was part of assessment teams.
Autism is a condition, we are not disordered, we are wired up differently and make different connections in the brain and at different speeds. Unfortunately we also tend to have any number of disabling comorbids with this, ADD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression. Some of these are caused by the way in which society is set up and as I've said are very disabling.
Some are caused by our autism, trying to work out subtext, body language and other things which we are aware exist but have no clue how to access is exhausting and again disabling. In my opinion (and that of a great many of the Autism Community) we are not disordered, but the way our condition can affect us is often very disabling.

I think your DS would be really annoyed with this when he is older!
It isn't a good idea.

Hi OP my son is completely defined by his autism. He is autistic. He's wired differently. His choices, his movements, his speech, his learning, his being. They are all that of an autistic child. Not to say he isn't also incredible, hilarious, academic, brilliant and very handsome! But yes, he's defined by his biology. I don't know how I feel about the idea of a tattoo, but it sounds like it's coming from a good place.

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.
I do agree that DP is coming from a good place with it but I just don't feel like it's a good idea. The tattoos will all be next to each other (It's a sleeve) so I wouldn't want DS to look at it when he's older and see how the first two are sentiments to his siblings dates of birth and his is all about the fact he has Autism. While I agree that it is a large part of who he is, I still think it's a bad idea for a tattoo. I think it probably is a knee jerk reaction to the recent diagnosis.
I definitely will talk to my DP about it, this thread has helped me be able to articulate my point of view more. Thanks everyone!

Ds was diagnosed last year. His diagnosis letter says actually says ASD not ASC. So we either say autism or ASD as that is what his diagnosis is.

Ds is 'high functioning' but it has a massive impact on his whole life and the way he lives it. We do regard it as a disability as he struggles with so much. Life is not fantastic, happy or wonderful for him at the moment and with the lack of post diagnosis support it's unlikely to be for the foreseeable future.

As for the tattoo, I'm sure that's something for you both need to dicuss. I agree with Lolly it was probably coming from a good place.

The thing is you can't possibly tell at this stage whether your DS will appreciate or hate this tattoo. My DS is a teenager now and the fact that he has an ASC never really comes up. He is happy in school with lots of friends and doing well academically. He doesn't access help from the SEN department as he doesn't need it now (he did a fair amount in primary). He is not embarrassed about his autism but it certainly does not define him. I'd say the tattoo is a bad idea personally.

Some people, my son included, object to being called disabled. Is it not possible to support people who need it without labeling them in a way that implies being in some way lesser?

In an ideal world? Yes, of course. In the real world however things just don't work that way. And I don't think classifying people as disabled implies they are in some way lesser. Why do you think that?
I think it's perfectly possible to say you are disabled and still be proud of who you are and what you've achieved. People can achieve great things and yet still be disabled.

Could you go back to school/university or have you done that already?

Yes, I've already tried that, several times. School, college, distance learning, you name it, I've tried it. I just don't seem to be able to meet NTs standards. Which is only made more frustrating by the oft repeated refrain "but you're very high functioning and intelligent." Yeah, fantastic, doesn't change the fact I couldn't even get a supermarket job. Which by the way i would be perfectly happy with. Don't want that to come across like i think that's beneath me in some way.
Anyway, my apologies for ranting at you (and for the woe is me post). And thank you for not dismissing me as an aggressive jerk, i can see in hindsight my previous post could come across that way.

It sounds like he wants to be all mysterious and have people ask him about the tattoo. He should definitely stick to one the same as the others.

I agree with you OP, I'd be very hurt and I would tell my partner so. There are other things that define your son other than autism. X

@JanMeyer, your life sounds bloody tough. Do you have support?

your life sounds bloody tough. Do you have support?

Nothing and no-one but my mother, who obviously does her best but it's not exactly easy for her either.
The only autism charity locally that provided any help or support only offers support to people in employment or at uni now. Same goes for their benefits advice too, not for those of us without a job anymore. Nice bit of Toryism there huh? 😡

There is the much vaunted local autism team but the waiting list is very long, over a year and a half of waiting and all I've gotten is a letter signposting me to a bunch of useless non-autism specific resources and a non-apology apology for the wait.
Social services aren't interested because no learning disability.
Honestly I've pretty much given up on expecting any support by this point.

What I meant was tattoos are gross regardless of sentiment behind them.

You must have lead a very sheltered life.

I'm sorry Jan. Do feel free to pm if you want to chat.

OP I can see your DH's heart is in the right place, but for now, I would argue that representing him in the same way as his siblings is a much more powerful symbol of acceptance. When DS is older, if he can express his own opinions (as many autistic people on this thread have eloquently done already) then your DH could look at getting another tattoo that has meaning for DS at that point, or not if DS thinks the whole idea sounds awful and he doesn't want his autism to be represented by any sort of symbol. I think my son would suggest I chose a tattoo of one of his real passions instead of an autism symbol!

If DH wants to send a subtle message of support for autistic people in our society, what about some cufflinks or a keyring bought from an autism charity?

JanMeyer I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds very difficult. I worry about my son ending up in a similar dilemma as an adult. There are so many unwritten rules about interviews and working.