Have you ever loved someone you can't have?

[ForraM]

How did you get over it?

I have really strong feelings for someone at work. There is just something there that makes us click and work together really well, as well as being really close. We laugh we argue we support each other, and it all has stop.

He's married and we have recognised what was happening and have agreed to stay away from one another.

Which is absolutely the right thing to do and I'm looking for another job. But I'm also really sad. This is the first person I've ever really thought 'yes I could marry you and have a life with you' but I missed my chance. He's married and there's someone else out there who loves him and has built a life with him. And I'm so fecking jealous and sad.

Have you been through this?

I don't think that you love him. But you could use that as inspiration for what you want in a partnership.

I really don't think he's that nice if he's overstepping boundaries with colleagues

Yes - many years ago. Sigh.

You're right - not love but potential to love I suppose. Like seeing what a parallel life would look like.

Limerance.

Been there a couple of times. It takes time to get over. It’s not nice!

Oh I didn't know there was a word for it! What were yours like @redwoodmazza and @DropYourSword ?

Yes, and I would never want to go through that again.

Been there, done that, still trying to get the fuck over it and its been 2 years.

It's getting easier, but there were moments when it floored me. I think this says more about my mental health and esteem than anything else to be honest.

Distance and time...

I don't believe in true love or whatever. There's always someone else out there you could have a deep connection with.

I've had feelings like this in the past about colleagues or friends, it just takes time to get over.

Distance, time and awareness of how your mind can play tricks. Make someone appear perfect when reality different. Be aware of it.

When you come out the other end it will feel bizarre but that doesn't stop the feelings now.

One thing I did (which I can't believe I had to now) was wear an elastic band on my wrist. Every time my head went on a flight of fantasy I flicked it. It was an odd thing to do but worked.

I envy people who react more normally to these things! I get obsessed.

Yep. It's horrible.

Takes flipping forever to get over it properly (if you ever really do, I still have random dreams about mine occasionally). Sorry.

Yes. Not the same as yours, but one of those "right person wrong moment" things.

It's just time and distance you need, those are the only things that can help.

And without wanting to sound patronising, kudos to you for recognising the shitty behaviour and working to get out of it instead of pursuing it without a thought for the DW. Shame he let you become attached, but fuck him, you're going to feel so different once you're working elsewhere.

Yep and still going through the heart ache 2 years later. It gets better but I can't imagine it will ever go away. He'll always be floating around in my mind by the looks of it.

I don't believe in true love or whatever.

Me neither. I don't believe he is the one and only for me, but I do believe he had the potential to be the one I would have settled down with and changed my life for.

Not because he's perfect but just because we fitted together.

@FudgeBrownie2019 I'm not going to lie, I thought about it. And had to constantly remind myself that she existed and was a real person. Plus I wouldn't want him if he treated her like that what a paradox

Yes I've been there, almost identical situation yet I am also married but was going through a very rough patch and he made me happy. But it had to stop and he found a new job and cut off all contact about 18 months ago now. It hurt like mad but it was the right thing to do. The first 6 months were unbearable but now I don't think of him so much. It's hard.

Yep. Different situation but lasted for a very long time. Are still in touch and see each other regularly. Have resigned myself to it more than anything.

Not again.

Yes. My ex. I still love him. Last time we spoke he said he still loves me.

But he hates my kids so we can't be together. I don't think I'll ever be over him.

Do you think it's about the person or what they represent? Have any of you found that it helped you with your next relationships?

Quite possibly - maybe not love but strong attraction/affection. It's hard when the person also has a lovely partner.

I've had secret crushes on people when I was younger and knew that I couldnt be with them. I don't anymore as I'm in a relationship and happy. I did once last year develop a small harmless crush on the builder working at my house. I just found him manly and hands on. He would come in to use the loo and chase my kids messing about. Or cheekily ask me for a coffee. But it was just my mind drifting away from reality. I never would of wanted to do anything about it at all.

For the women's sake in your situation stay clear. Don't be that person who makes her cry and check his phone. Do you know what I'm saying? It's not nice to do that to a family. If he wants you he needs to mam up and leave her first. Don't get sucked into sneaky behaviour. Sounds like you are avoiding it anyway. X

This seems to happen to me frequently. One person I'm now long distance friends with. We don't speak often but the feelings have subsided now so it isn't a problem anymore. I was definitely infatuated with him and we were incredibly close at one time. He identified as gay despite acknowledging an attraction so it was never going to happen.

You will move on eventually. I haven't met my partner yet but hopefully we both will.

This is me three years in. A mutual told me that he's still v in love with his gf - happy for him, he deserves it. Not great for me.

What you said is correct, if he was the kind of man that would lie and cheat and make connections outside of his commitments, then you wouldn't want him.

So your instincts are correct, he probably is a nice person and a good pick.

But he's already been plucked - that's why these situation are so hard.

Good on you for not acting like a twat!

So your instincts are correct, he probably is a nice person and a good pick.

But he's already been plucked - that's why these situation are so hard.

Yes I think that's exactly it! It's like seeing what could have been and not only knowing it won't happen but that someone else gets it as well.

Meanwhile I still have to see him every day

Yes a guy at uni who was engaged. We walked away from each other and it absolutely killed me. I obsessed about him for years. Everyone I was with after him I was just going through the motions.

Then I met DH. And we were both in relationships and I knew I couldn’t walk away again. So I split with my boyfriend and he split with his girlfriend and everyone hated us.

Nearly 30 years and we are still together and happy.

I’m still not sure if I should have walked away that first time though. Where do you draw the line; if someone is engaged, married, has kids? If you are living with someone and fall for someone else is it so wrong to break up? My friends crucified me for it. But if you love someone else?

Yes, although I’m very happily married for a l9ng time, I’ve known two men with whom there’s been a strong mutual attraction, and I’ve known, insofar as you can know, that I could have had a happy relationship with both, had we not all of us been attached elsewhere. The feelings subsided eventually. One I’m still good friends with, though we now live in different countries.

I don’t read anything particular into it — it’s just other paths I could have gone down — but I can see it would feel differently if you were single and the person you fell for wasn’t.

If it’s the slightest consolation, OP, I realised that one of them was a far better friend and colleague than he was a husband and father.

Don’t lose heart. There’ll be others.