Have you ever loved someone you can't have?

[ForraM]

How did you get over it?

I have really strong feelings for someone at work. There is just something there that makes us click and work together really well, as well as being really close. We laugh we argue we support each other, and it all has stop.

He's married and we have recognised what was happening and have agreed to stay away from one another.

Which is absolutely the right thing to do and I'm looking for another job. But I'm also really sad. This is the first person I've ever really thought 'yes I could marry you and have a life with you' but I missed my chance. He's married and there's someone else out there who loves him and has built a life with him. And I'm so fecking jealous and sad.

Have you been through this?

Yes. It's been many, many years and I still think of him regularly. It was an inappropriate relationship that went on for a very long time when I was much younger.

Yes mine had a happy ending though
I was in a relationship (a shitty abusive one though) and I fell in love with a bloke I worked with who was single and who fancied and a had a bit of a thing with someone else we both knew.
It killed me. I was so unhappy for months and couldn't get him out of my head. He was oblivious.
I did the decent thing I finished with my bf and stayed single but still saw him every day. Bloke got binned by his friend and we got closer.

Been together 2 years nearly.

If hed been married or hed ended up in a proper relationship with this woman I'd have walked away and never looked back. But it would have took me a long time to get over him

The problem with falling for someone unattainable is that the relationship doesn't run its course. You never get the negatives and you will always have the what ifs . We are romantic beings and it is appealing. It's happened to me twice ( I'm quite old) and I've never lost a hankering but am still married and know my DH is a good man whom I am lucky to be married.

Not really. I think that it's impossible to really, truly romantically love someone unless you go through real experiences in a relationship together.

Yes, and 10 years later I still occasionally find it hard.
He was my boss, but before that I'd worked with him previously when I was still very young and had a stupid crush on him. I left my job to go and work for him a decade later. I think I was already in love with him, or maybe just the idea of him?
Anyway, he'd just come out of a marriage, was drinking far too much and possibly (although I hope not) used me as an ego boost.
We never slept together, we went out a few times and kissed, he told other people that he thought I was really special and could make him happy.
And then, nothing. He just blanked me. And I've never stopped blaming myself for it.
10 years on I still feel like it was my fault and I wasn't good enough for him. I'd have given up everything for him. I still see him occasionally, although not to speak to, and anytime I do it brings it all back.
Sorry, that was long! But I've never spoken about him to anyone.

Yes this happened to me over the last couple of years and when I realised that his life wasn't quite how he had led me to believe (not outright lying, more omission), I walked away immediately and ended all contact. I think about him quite a lot and it's been very difficult. Like you it was that instantaneous "click" and my feelings were very strong. I am divorced because my husband left me for OW. There was no damned way I was going to do that to somebody else. I'll always have a yearning but I know I did absolutely the right thing.

What was mine like?

First time - total agony mainly. I was a lot younger. He was married. I was living with a boyfriend. He was confident, almost arrogantly so and I was incredibly attracted to that. We flirted and kissed. He left the company and it probably took me two years to really not think of him any more.

Second one - more recent. Entirely one sided. Just a good guy who was funny, friendly and respectful. I’m married and he was in a serious relationship. He had no idea. It wasn’t as bad this time because I understand more. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful husband and father and didn’t want to jeopardise that. So you have to be very disciplined not to let the thoughts and fantasies escalate. It’s difficult if it’s someone you work with because you can’t just avoid them and get on with getting over them. But you keep your relationship entirely professional and don’t let it creep over into the overly friendly. That way, heartbreak lies.

@yikesanotherbooboo sums it up perfectly imo.
Those guys will always be the men we secretly dream of now and then because we never had a chance to develop a real relationship with them.

I love my DH but still thinking of a guy I used to date and it’s SHIT. Esspecially if you never had the chance to have a proper goodbye talk. It’s a bit of a ‘what if’ open wound for me and I feel guilty towards DH. If someone has a solution how to close this chapter by myself then I’m all ears.

I think you are being unrealistic, you dont even know how he'd be in bed or as a partner.. we do know he doesnt give a fuck about his wife. And why is it you thats leaving not him??
Stop self indulging these thoughts, you are building him up too much. Go out and date other people or sort yout relation out.

I've definitely been in love whilst in a relationship with that person.

But I have experienced limerance and my relationships with my bestest few friends are close to what people on MN describe as emotional affairs. And the love, adoration and mutual respect, all of it, is platonic. Some of us can build very deep friendships which feel, to me, stronger than what I actually good through when I'm in a romantic relationship with someone I love.

So there are instances where maybe other people in my shoes would desperately want to be with the friend. But the only time I really felt the feeling of wanting someone I couldn't have was when my first long term relationship ended and I knew we were incompatible but it took years for all the feelings to go away, and over a decade later I still remember him fondly.

Anyone else's limerences not their type? I'm so attracted to him and the sexual tension is massive, but physically I don't think he's good looking at all! It's weird - I would absolutely swipe left on an online app or pass over him in a bar, but in person it's maddening!

Similar. I have a colleague I am really, really attracted to. We get on really well. Like you, I seriously wish I had found him when I was younger. I would never make a move, he is happily married with kids, and there is nothing to suggest he is looking for anything romantic/ sexual with me anyway, but by God, I fancy him. It's getting worse not better with time.
Sometimes there will just be a little look on his face, or a way he moves or holds himself and I just kinda contract with desire. I can't really get distance. We work together closely on projects and I love this job and company. It suits me perfectly - but God I need to find someone else to take my mind off him.

There is also a guy I really fancy at something else I go to. He is also married. I do suspect that he may be a bit attracted to me, but I don't see him often so that is easier to manage!

God I really need to find someone else I fancy who I can actually have sex with!.

Just seen your update. Yes, I had this. A guy I had a relationship with last year. Not much to look at but I was instantly attracted to him the first time I met him. He had such a warmth and vivaciousness about him. No good looking, but i was really drawn to him. It worked out well too - best sex I have ever had by a long, long way!

The same as momtoboys, I had an entirely inappropriate relationship 20 years ago now with a guy whom I absolutely adored. He was not conventionally attractive, but was exactly the type of guy I had grown up imagining myself living with/marrying. I was absolutely devastated when it had to end, my heart was broken. I still think of him virtually daily and hope that he is having a happy life (he was a tortured soul). Looking back on my life, I wish I hadn't acted on the initial attraction, though, because although the passionate phase was amazing, the long-term heartbreak and regret have never gone away. If any of my adult children came to me to talk about being in the early stages of a relationship like the one I had, I would strongly counsel them not to pursue it.

Yes I did, but then we both made ourselves available and then we could have each other and now we are married

Yes this is my situation atm. I’m mid-40s, been around the block a few times, know myself, and know what I need. There’s a man at work who is all those things, and there’s an emotional connection. But he’s married.

It’s so, so rare to find someone who is right and who I connect with. It really hurts that he’s not available.

Genuine question to all those in this situation - maybe these people wouldn’t be all that if they were available? It might be the secure base that they operate from which means that they are able to be the people that they are? Maybe their partners and families keep them grounded and free to be kind etc?

Am I missing something? He's with someone but still flirts with you? Nah, I'd be grateful he's not yours!!

Google limerence.

Awful but you get over it .... eventually!!!

Ah sorry! You already have :)

Yes- mine was definitely limerence. Its awful, like a delicious hell- its like a drug, like just being around them heightens everything and you crave them like an addict craves their fix.
That was years ago now, before I met my H. Its rare it happens but it can be extremely powerful - like they just hypnotise you

Currently in this situation. Both married, colleagues.
There has always been an instant attraction (on my part) although he is different to anyone else I've ever felt anything for. He is exactly who I always pictured myself being with. But I've always ended up in relationships with the complete opposite.
Things were getting pretty tense towards the end of last year. But we both seem to have 'detached' without really acknowledging it. There were a few too many 'moments' occurring between us.
I've also been going through a tough time with my mental health, which in turn I think was/is making me feel very irrational. But I'm dealing with it now, and in turn things have settled between us.
He is offering his support; which is lovely, but at the same time, I know I shouldn't be looking towards him for this.
I think you can have a bit of a 'wrong place, wrong time' with people. Of course there are people who do act upon it, and then there are us who do not. Life is far from black and white, and that is something I have definitely learned the past year.

sounds like a cue for a song