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Original poster

Need advice. I’m either failing my children or failing my dad. I just don’t know what to do!

40 replies

PrettyLittleLiar20 · 03/03/2020 10:58

I’ve got 2 children aged 12 and 4 years. 4 years ago I split up with the kids dad and decided to move in with my father who is elderly. It was him on his own in a 3 bed house so it seemed a good solution. I’d pay him rent and also get to keep him company. Win win for us both.

Anyway 4 years down the line he is now older and a month ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I’m basically caring for him 24/7. I cook for him, make him lunch, sort out his medication and do anything that he needs. I’m 100% ok with that he’s my dad and I wouldn’t dream of not looking after him. He may or may not get better. He could live another 2 years or could be gone in 6 months, we have no idea since he has only just started chemo now and we have to wait 3 months to see if he’s got any better.

My issue is now that my 4 year old wants to play and be loud and run around and just be a happy 4 year old! My dad on the other hand needs it’s quiet and calm and doesn’t like it when she’s playing loudly or running around. I’m starting to feel really bad at telling her to ‘be quiet’ and ‘don’t do that’ etc and I’m probably having to say this about 10 times a day and now I’m starting to feel like a bad mother as I’m not letting her be herself and act like a child. I do tell her to go up to her room and play but like any other small child she wants to be downstairs with me in the front room playing. My dad doesn’t want to be on his own, he wants the company but at the same time the loudness is doing his head in. This morning dd has been quite loud and ive just put our coats on and said “dad, we’re going out for a while to give you some peace.” To which he said he doesn’t want peace, he doesn’t want to be on his own when he’s feeling like crap. It’s understandable but I just feel like I can’t keep my dad AND my child happy. I’m losing my mind and stressed 24/7. Any advice very appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyLittleLiar20 · 03/03/2020 11:04

Bump

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 03/03/2020 11:04

That sounds bloody hard for everybody I don't think you are failing anybody you are doing your best with what you have Flowers do you haveother siblings family who couldhelp out ?

Theresnoroomonmybroom · 03/03/2020 11:09

Gosh that sounds so hard. Is your little one at school yet? That might give your dad the peace and quiet he needs as well as support and company. I don’t think you’re failing either, I think you’re doing a really hard thing to the best of your ability. In your shoes, I think I’d sit your dad down and have an honest discussion about what he thinks would work moving forward and take it from there.

Harsh though it sounds, if it was my dad or my kids, I’d have to choose the kids.

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Original poster
PrettyLittleLiar20 · 03/03/2020 11:09

Yes I have a sister who doesn’t live too far away but she works shifts. She does her absolute best, comes over to visit and takes him to hospital appointments, but she has her own family aswell. It’s the being in the house to keep my dad company but also trying to keep life fun for my dd that is killing me.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 03/03/2020 11:11

have you spoken to the doctors/health visitors? Could someone come in to care for your dad some of the time which would allow you some time to go out with your daughter?

dreamingofsun · 03/03/2020 11:12

I'm talking getting a healthcare professional in here....not just a relative

Original poster
PrettyLittleLiar20 · 03/03/2020 11:13

She goes to nursery 3 days a week. Starts proper school in September. It’s only 1-6pm and them few hours seem to fly by. I’ll go to do the food shop during that time or that’s when dad will need a hospital appointment. I also have to go to collect prescriptions and go to the doctors to request repeat prescriptions etc. None of that honestly bothers me at all though, It’s my job to look after him but as a parent it’s my job to keep my dad happy too.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 03/03/2020 11:13

If your dad can't have be a kid in the house, take her out a lot. To the park, grocery shopping etc so she can be loud and play with you without disturbing him. It's also healthy for the two of you as it means more fresh air.

SinkGirl · 03/03/2020 11:14

Can you afford to move out? Does the house allow you to set up another lounge type room / play room far away from where your dad is? What about preschool, if she’s not at school yet? Such a hard situation and no ideal solution.

TenCornMaidens · 03/03/2020 11:14

Your dad just wants company while he's feeling crap. That is not a decisive or overriding factor in your decisions. You have to take the kids out sometimes, obviously.

Elbbob · 03/03/2020 11:15

Sounds very hard. Have you discussed this with your dad? What does he think?

Original poster
PrettyLittleLiar20 · 03/03/2020 11:15

I could, but something about it just makes me feel awful! He’s the kind of person who would kick up a big stink about it, saying I couldn’t be bothered or don’t care. I also feel bad because say he does only live for another 6 months, id kick myself for not putting in my best effort for what time he had left!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 03/03/2020 11:17

I think it is ok for her to know grandpa isn't well at the moment you don't have to be all jolly all the time nobody can keep that up. Also yes some help to come in for dad.

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2020 11:18

Did you go out with her ?

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2020 11:19

Is she at Nursery you might be able to get her some extra hours

Quartz2208 · 03/03/2020 11:20

Have you spoken to MacMillian etc specialised Cancer care to get advice about how to get support becayse at this stage you cannot do everything yourself

The only advantage there is to cancer is the huge amount of support you can access to help both yourself and your Dad. Please use it you cannot do this all yourself and you cannot sacrifice you and your children completely

Goostacean · 03/03/2020 11:20

In your shoes, I think I’d sit down and have a frank chat with him and say that you fully understand he needs peace and quiet, but your dd needs activities- and that often equals noise. Then take her out on the 2 days she’s not at nursery, and he’ll have to accept the noise (or go and rest in his room) on the 3 mornings before her nursery sessions. Compromise, but do it explicitly so he sees the position you’re in clearly.

Ariela · 03/03/2020 11:21

Can you talk to local charities and eg Macmillan- can they send anyone in regularly to relieve you to take your DD out for a while, does your Dad have any local friends who could help by, say, popping in for an hour once a week so you can take the 4 year old particularly to the park to let of steam and be noisy?

BinkyandBunty · 03/03/2020 11:23

Would your dad be happy wearing nice noise cancelling headphones that he could either link to the TV or play his favourite music through when he needs some p and q?

Breastfeedingworries · 03/03/2020 11:25

That’s so tricky as a child being loud and happy isn’t naughty :( they’re expressing themselves and burning energy.

Not sure what to advice but speak to your dad, remind him what you were like at her age. She simply can’t understand what’s happening to him at this stage. I’d let him decide moving forwards to be bit tolerant to your dd or you will have to work out other living arrangments and that’s not what you want but you can’t tell dd just for being a child isn’t fair. Sad

Breastfeedingworries · 03/03/2020 11:26

Ask second comfy headphones or comfy ear plugs. Xx

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2020 11:28

Can you rejig some chores to times when DD is home? So take her food shopping, to collect prescriptions etc? Then round it off with a visit to the park. It's not ideal but may work out better than doing those chores when she is at nursery.

It's a tricky situation, and you are doing your best. That could be a catch phrase to say to your dad when he grumbles. He's doing pretty well out of this deal- you are paying rent, as well as givinb care and company.

On a separate note, please make sure you and your DC are secure in the long term. Is it a rented house, or his own?

RB68 · 03/03/2020 11:30

you need to get someone in to sit with Dad and deal with things for him where you can to give you respite to get out with DD. We had v poorly Mum and Mcmillan were great as were the District nurses in terms of finding resource to help out - its unreasonable to expect 24/7 care if you have family.

You don't say if you work but also you might want to look at carers allowance and extra benefits for Dad which allow you to pay for extra help

UYScuti · 03/03/2020 11:33

Your father is the one with all the power in this situation and he is the one who is getting all the benefits.
I understand why he's complaining but if you decided that you didn't want to deal with the situation anymore and you wanted to focus on your children and live independently he would be completely stuffed so he shouldn't be biting the hand that feeds him.
you don't have a duty of care towards him, but you do have a duty of care towards your children

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2020 11:38

Ah i see she is at nursery with good hours. You might need to let your dad have a moan at you not her obviously and have the she is only 4 conversation with him you are not able to make him happy atm hard as you try because he is so ill. Take her out if she is needing to run off steam plan some tv or ipad time for her.