Need advice. I’m either failing my children or failing my dad. I just don’t know what to do!

[PrettyLittleLiar20]

I’ve got 2 children aged 12 and 4 years. 4 years ago I split up with the kids dad and decided to move in with my father who is elderly. It was him on his own in a 3 bed house so it seemed a good solution. I’d pay him rent and also get to keep him company. Win win for us both.

Anyway 4 years down the line he is now older and a month ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I’m basically caring for him 24/7. I cook for him, make him lunch, sort out his medication and do anything that he needs. I’m 100% ok with that he’s my dad and I wouldn’t dream of not looking after him. He may or may not get better. He could live another 2 years or could be gone in 6 months, we have no idea since he has only just started chemo now and we have to wait 3 months to see if he’s got any better.

My issue is now that my 4 year old wants to play and be loud and run around and just be a happy 4 year old! My dad on the other hand needs it’s quiet and calm and doesn’t like it when she’s playing loudly or running around. I’m starting to feel really bad at telling her to ‘be quiet’ and ‘don’t do that’ etc and I’m probably having to say this about 10 times a day and now I’m starting to feel like a bad mother as I’m not letting her be herself and act like a child. I do tell her to go up to her room and play but like any other small child she wants to be downstairs with me in the front room playing. My dad doesn’t want to be on his own, he wants the company but at the same time the loudness is doing his head in. This morning dd has been quite loud and ive just put our coats on and said “dad, we’re going out for a while to give you some peace.” To which he said he doesn’t want peace, he doesn’t want to be on his own when he’s feeling like crap. It’s understandable but I just feel like I can’t keep my dad AND my child happy. I’m losing my mind and stressed 24/7. Any advice very appreciated!

He’s the kind of person who would kick up a big stink about it, saying I couldn’t be bothered or don’t care.

Being terminally ill doesn’t give him the right to treat you like shit. Sorry, OP, but if that did happen, I’d challenge it kindly but robustly. You clearly do care, and you can be bothered, and for him to say otherwise strikes me as manipulative and cruel.

My sympathies are with your child here - this isn't fair on her. Your dad will need to make some adjustments if he wants you to continue to care for him - go up to his bedroom if it's too noisy? Wear headphones?

Well, either he accepts you WITH noisy child (all 4yr olds are noisy and full of energy) or you move out and he gets professional careers. He can’t have it both ways

Are you def looking after him because you want to and not just out of guilt?

Make sure that he understands he cannot have it both ways, you and the kids come as a package deal. If he can’t take the kids as he is too frail, he needs professional care instead.

My mum lived with my sister's family for her final couple of years when she was living with (and eventually dying of) cancer, and my sister had two young children. Mum was more tolerant than your father, from the sound of things, but she couldn't cope with a lot of noisy play either.

Practical suggestions. Does your dad have any neighbours or friends or relatives who can come in and sit with him if you take your DD out for a couple of hours to let off steam? My mum's neighbour would come and sit with mum, make them both a cup of coffee, read the paper, do the crossword, watch TV, have a chat, so that my mum didn't feel alone. Some people get very frightened when they're ill in case something happens. Ask the local hospice if there are any volunteers who might help. Help the Aged used to offer a volunteer visiting service too.
You can use your father's Attendance Allowance to buy in a carer to sit with him for a couple of hours each day while you take your DD out.

If he's been given 6 months - 2 years, he's had a terminal diagnosis. Does the local hospice offer day care? My mum would be collected by the hospice and taken for the day once a fortnight – a full 6-7 hours – and have a lovely lunch and pampering and some kind of craft activity.

Could you afford another day at nursery each week? Is there any chance of playdates/ assistance from other SAHMs who might be in a position to support you through this difficult patch? My 4-year-old nephew had a friend whose mum was happy to have him round to play for a couple of hours if things got stressed.

Are there things your dad can get absorbed with at home that he can do while you're out and will leave him feeling less lonely and frightened? My sister got my mum and some of her older relatives set up with mobile phones and ipads and they would talk to each other and use Face Time while my sister was out of the house. My mum also started playing Solitaire on the computer and said the hours slid by. She also did adult colouring books and started knitting really complicated jumpers to take her mind off brooding.

I used to go and stay at my sister's for the weekend so that she could focus on the children and I would even, when my mum was well enough, take her away for a day or two so that my sister and her family got a break. I don't know if there's anyone in the family who could do something similar.

By the way, are you able to organise repeat prescriptions online and will the pharmacy deliver to you?

This is really tough on all of you. But your Dad needs to understand that you need some help. It's not about not caring; it's just practical for you to either get some community nursing support or from a charity.

Definitely get in touch with MacMillan. They are awesome.

you work as a live in carer and you pay rent to the person for whom you work for free
you're kind of like a slave who also pays for the privilege

Can you give us another example of a live-in carer who lives in with two children, one of whom requires attention during working hours?

Loads of reasons why families take this on but it's clear here that it was an arrangement that suited both parties. And of course the OP may well have a vested interest in remaining in the house until her father dies and ensuring that he doesn't have to sell it to cover care costs/ care home fees.

Agree with @UYScuti

I do think your Dad needs to suck it up. Would he rather an exuberant child or the sounds of a hospital /care home? I know which I would rather.

Headphones or ear plugs are the answer here and yes a robust discussion on whats being expected.

Lots of good suggestions from @LindaSmithfanclub there, I hope some of them help

He’s the kind of person who would kick up a big stink about it, saying I couldn’t be bothered or don’t care.

This is your problem. You have to navigate your way around caring for someone with this selfish attitude without it impacting too much on your kids.

Have you made contact with your local carers’ association? They will be able to give you some support too.

How much care does he need? Is he mobile independently? Would he not qualify for carers if he is palliative?

This sounds very stressful for you. My children are quite loud and exuberant and we have a relative who struggles with noise and I find even a day with them difficult because like you I don't want to be constantly telling my children to be quiet. It doesn't sound like you have enough space for separate living rooms so I think you do need to take DD out more or make use of the garden if the weather allows. Use TV at tricky times e.g. while you're cooking dinner or making your Dad's lunch. Swimming will tire her out on one of the non nursery days or at the weekend.

It isn't your 'job' to look after your dad. I hope he hasn't told you that, spun you some crap about 'duty'. I'm sorry he's ill but he sounds very demanding and I can't believe he's happy for you to run round after him to the detriment of your children and own mental health.
Requesting repeat prescriptions can be done online. Pharmacists can deliver. There is hospital transport. Online shopping. Be very careful. People can live years with cancer.
Your DC must come first.

Has he said what he wants? From what you've written, he doesn't want you in the house with your daughter making noise, but he's not happy if you go out? Does he just want only you in the house?

I see both sides. I think you need to have people in with your Dad, like neighbours etc, while you take you dd out a few times a week to let off steam. His life is ending, your dd has many more years to make noise.