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Original poster

Dying dilemma

34 replies

bobinoz · 02/03/2020 14:19

What to do?

I live in NSW, Australia with my wife and 2 children. We have been there for 10 years.
Life over there is pretty good, although my wife and I have struggled to stay married over the years. Nothing specific, just not getting on and losing interest in each other.

Anyway in December, my father had a heart attack and stroke. It was clearly serious, so I jumped on a plane to join my mother at his bedside in hospital. Over the next month or so he was in and out of hospital. I stayed with my parents in the family home looking after them both.
My wife and children joined came and stayed for a month.

My father has rapidly deteriorated, is not eating and drinking very little. He has made it clear that he wishes to pass away quietly at home.
My wife and children returned to AUS a few weeks ago. My wife works, 1 of my daughters lives away and 1 is at school.
I have decided to remain in the UK until dad passes. My children are both very understanding and supportive, however my wife is very angry with me and has told me to say my goodbyes now and wouldn't even need to return for the funeral..... It was my idea to move to AUS all those years ago and she is saying that us being there has caused this issue. My work is being very supportive and I am getting paid my normal salary, so all well there.
All my friends (and hers) are telling me that I am doing the right thing and that she is being very cruel to put me under such pressure to go back now. She believes that I have abandoned her and the kids. It has caused so much aghast, she has mentioned divorce.

I do not expect to be here for much longer based on medical opinion.

I would welcome other peoples opinion please.

OP posts:
drippingwet · 02/03/2020 14:33

You stay with your father. She is being very unreasonable in my opinion. I’m very sorry about your Dad, I hope he is comfortable

amusedbush · 02/03/2020 14:49

She is being very unreasonable in my opinion.

"Very unreasonable" is about as politely as one could put it. OP, she is being a total cow and to have mentioned divorce when your dad is dying is just awful.

She should be actively working to remove pressures from your life at this time, not adding to your worries.

justthecat · 02/03/2020 14:52

Stay with your dad and help support your mum. I think you'd always regret it if you left.

wildcherries · 02/03/2020 14:52

Stay with your father. If she wants a divorce on the back of that, maybe you're both better off apart.

Cinderemma · 02/03/2020 14:53

Stay with your Dad, your wife is being very unreasonable.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 14:54

Your (D)W is being an utter cow. How horrible of her to be so bloody unsupportive when your father is dying and in a different country.

Stay with your dad. And then divorce her.

crosspelican · 02/03/2020 14:55

How long have you been back in the UK? When you say that you do not expect to be here very much longer, do you mean days, weeks, months, a year or two?

On the face of it your wife seems to be being very unreasonable, and I can definitely see why you want to stay here for the time being, but you've been back in the UK 2 or 3 months now, and haven't given your wife (for obvious reasons!) a firm return date. I can see why she is feeling fraught - is she happy in Australia or not, generally?

It's a big ask to leave her on her own for months on end, even in this situation. How old are your children?

PencilFace · 02/03/2020 14:55

That's terrible! Have you asked her how she would feel in your position?

Herpesfreesince03 · 02/03/2020 14:58

I can see both sides here. You’ve been there 3 months now. I know people who would have got upset long before now no matter the reason for the absence. Also consider that the end may last a lot longer that anticipated. I lost count of the times I travelled to see my nan as it was ‘definitely her last day’, many times in the months before her death. It sounds like your wife was understanding up until now, even flying the family out to visit you under horrible circumstances. No ones undeserving of sympathy here

Alsohuman · 02/03/2020 14:59

You’re doing the right thing. If this spells the end of your marriage I’d see it as a definite plus.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 02/03/2020 14:59

Your friends are right, she is being very cruel

Bringringbring12 · 02/03/2020 15:02

What stands out is that your work is paying your full salary? For an indefinite period of time?

Helpmechangemymindsetplease · 02/03/2020 15:05

Stay with your Dad. No need to even ask. I would divorce someone rather than leave my ill parent. 1000 times over.

preponderings · 02/03/2020 15:08

On the face of it, she is being unreasonable.

But... how much has she missed out on because she followed you to Australia? Family reunions, not being able to be there when someone in her family was sick or dying, funerals etc.

She is also day-to-day dealing with 1 or 2 grieving children who are missing their dad.

ItchyScratch · 02/03/2020 15:16

The way I see it is-

Your dad gave you a life.
He brought you up.
He fed you, watered you, bathed you, gave you everything you needed.

And now this is how you can pay him back.
The tables have turned.

Your wife is being very selfish.

When your dad dies you will regret any moment not spent with him.
And I’m saying that from experience.

Good luck

Derbee · 02/03/2020 15:20

Stay with your dad. You won’t get this time again. The fact that to your wife is such a nasty selfish piece of work means that divorce is probably inevitable.

Stay with your dad, and concentrate on your divorce when you have time. Good luck

Purplewithred · 02/03/2020 15:26

Is there a reason why she is so angry about this? Is she having to carry a very heavy load while you are over here? I'm in two minds - three months is a very long time, but given the age of your children it's not like you're leaving her to manage two toddlers. Is there more to it?

PleaseNoFortnite · 02/03/2020 15:28

As others have said, I can see both sides here. Yes, you should be with your Dad if he's close to passing, but 3 months is a long time for her to be on her own, and you should maybe acknowledge that it's also hard for her? Especially if you haven't sat down and discussed with her what you want to do and come to some kind of arrangement together.

1forAll74 · 02/03/2020 15:32

I think that you need to stay with your Father right now, you would truly regret not doing do. You say that your children are being understanding about all things, but its quite improper of your wife to have this view of things at this sad time for you, and an odd and foolish thing to say,that you are abandoning her and your children.

nimsem2 · 02/03/2020 15:34

I would say stay with your dad. I can't understand anyone who thinks differently. If you have good parents then I would say they deserve to be supported by you through this sad and hard time.

granadagirl · 02/03/2020 15:41

Would she do that if it was her mum or dad?
As long as money/work isn’t a issue, I don’t see the problem
It’s not like you’ve got young kids ie pick up
Child care issues
One not at home the other at school.

Jellybeansincognito · 02/03/2020 15:45

Your wife should be ashamed of herself.

Stay with your dad, I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this.

RB68 · 02/03/2020 15:54

Wife is being ridicuous and you need to spend the time with your Dad and Mum come to that. Even when he does pass away there will be admin to sort and deaths to register etc then funeral. You can prepare for this by speaking to funeral home etc in advance but leaving her to cope with 2 older children one away from home one not is not a massive deal breaker even for 3 or 4 months in my book she is a grown up and needs to put her big girl pants on. If she is going to divorce over this frankly that was already on the cards

Emmacb82 · 02/03/2020 16:23

I think people are being a bit harsh towards your wife. Of course you want to be with you dad, and so you should be. You will never get that time back and would regret it if you weren’t. But she has been left alone with children on another continent. It’s not like you can pop home at weekends to see them. It does sound like there have been issues for a lot longer than your dads ill health, but I agree it is mean of her to be citing divorce etc at this moment in time.
I think you need to do what you need to do, but maybe you need to acknowledge a little more that she may be finding life hard too. Not the same scenario, but when my first born was 4 weeks old, my dh sister was critically ill and for the next few months I was left on my own most of the time whilst he was at the hospital (she is like a mum to him). I already had pnd and it did not make things easy for us. That was in the same country and he came home every night. Your wife doesn’t have that luxury so I can understand why she feels the way she does. Sorry for what you’re going through.

wallflowersunited · 02/03/2020 16:28

Is you being here causing money problems for her? If you are not on your full salary then I can understand that she is stressed about it. We can't always be with people when they die if we are so far away, I know that sounds harsh but I have been in that very situation and I couldn't be there much as I wanted to - you have to be practical.