Dying dilemma

[bobinoz]

What to do?

I live in NSW, Australia with my wife and 2 children. We have been there for 10 years.
Life over there is pretty good, although my wife and I have struggled to stay married over the years. Nothing specific, just not getting on and losing interest in each other.

Anyway in December, my father had a heart attack and stroke. It was clearly serious, so I jumped on a plane to join my mother at his bedside in hospital. Over the next month or so he was in and out of hospital. I stayed with my parents in the family home looking after them both.
My wife and children joined came and stayed for a month.

My father has rapidly deteriorated, is not eating and drinking very little. He has made it clear that he wishes to pass away quietly at home.
My wife and children returned to AUS a few weeks ago. My wife works, 1 of my daughters lives away and 1 is at school.
I have decided to remain in the UK until dad passes. My children are both very understanding and supportive, however my wife is very angry with me and has told me to say my goodbyes now and wouldn't even need to return for the funeral..... It was my idea to move to AUS all those years ago and she is saying that us being there has caused this issue. My work is being very supportive and I am getting paid my normal salary, so all well there.
All my friends (and hers) are telling me that I am doing the right thing and that she is being very cruel to put me under such pressure to go back now. She believes that I have abandoned her and the kids. It has caused so much aghast, she has mentioned divorce.

I do not expect to be here for much longer based on medical opinion.

I would welcome other peoples opinion please.

OP says his employer is being very supportive and paying his full salary.

I actually very much think theres two sides to this story.

Not many people when they emigrate expect to make it back for elderly relatives deaths. They might try, but its not expected on the same way.

If shes had to give up a lot to emigrate it might be inconceivable to her that you are expecting the best of both worlds now.

Did you not discuss both of your expectations with regards to this when you first wen

* I think people are being a bit harsh towards your wife.*

I agree. I suspect one hell of a back story

I actually very much think theres two sides to this story.
Not many people when they emigrate expect to make it back for elderly relatives deaths. They might try, but its not expected on the same way.
I would agree with this.
If your df is near the very end it’s not unreasonable to stay on if you’ve been here since Dec and he’s still hanging on then I would condsider going back

Stay with dad - return home and your poor dad will still die, but you will hate her for making you miss it.

I also think people are being a bit harsh to your wife too as there are two sides to a story. You have been there for three months and don't know how long you will be there for still. I can't imagine you will want to leave right after he passes, there is the funeral and your mum may need support too, so that could be adding another couple of months at least yet. How long will you employer pay your full salary for, could she be worried about that?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. That must be making it hard to think straight and talk calmly with your wife. I also wondered what discussions you had when you decided to emigrate. This is a very predictable situation - did you think through as a couple how you might manage this sort of situation? I don't know how old the kids are but I do feel for your wife being left alone to look after them on her own. I can see that she might think that you are wanting to have your cake and eat it - with her paying the price. That might sound harsh but I guess when you emigrate so far away you do have to accept that there are lots of events that you will miss - including deaths. How well is your father? Can you say your goodbyes now in person and then skype him every day until the end? Is there anything you can do to get more help for your wife so she's not on her own before you get back? I guess you need to decide as a couple about whether you will go to the funeral. I have family in Oz (they emigrated) and I would not go for their funerals or expect them to come here for any family funerals. It's not a given that having emigrated you will be at this and I don't think you can reasonably make a decision without discussing it with your wife (though she should, of course, take on board your needs and wishes too). I also wondered if underlying this is some resentment on your wife's part. Did she want to emigrate at all or was that all your agenda? Is this stress bringing some past grievances to a head?

When times are tough everyone suffers, but priorities have to be made. Being with your family is important. It will mean your wife carries the brunt at the home front until your return, adds you would need to do for her.

OP very much sounds like he's a 'my way or the high way' sort. I wonder how much choice his wife really had in the decision to emigrate? Is there any major family even that she's had to miss because they were too far away, or because one or both children were too young to leave? And if his wife were in the same situation he's in now, would he be happy to take care of everything at home for three months while she was back in the UK? Or would she be 'allowed' a week at most?

I'm another one who would love to hear her side of the story.