MIL Is she being too much? Please help!!

[Cwtchymumma]

So I gave birth to my first beautiful baby boy 7.5 months ago. I’m lucky enough to have the full year off on maternity leave! I need you to know that I am IN awe of my baby. I can’t and hate being without him, he is now my world and each day revolves around him. Me and my OH have been together for 2.5 years and me and his mum have always had a great relationship. However, she has become quite a lot recently with my DS. She see’s him about once/twice a week with me there, she has plenty of cuddles, feeds him while I’m there everything. I don’t really interfere unless he is getting a little upset or my MIL needs to do something. About a month or so ago she said she “wants him for a full day to herself without me”.... a little taken back by it I reluctantly accepted. I dropped him off in the morning and wrote down his feeds, amounts and provided her with everything she needed. I came home without him and just cried, I didn’t know what to do with myself. (Ended up doing bits around the house because everyone’s at work). I picked him up and she handed me a piece of paper with his feeds on. My son has 7oz every 2 hours at this point. She said “I fed him at 10am, 7oz. Then I took him out and gave him a top up at 12 of 2oz?!?!? And that’s all the milk he’s had....I picked him up at 4.30pm!!!!!!!! He was dribbling chewing on my shoulder and clearly hungry!?! But because she had gone out to see other family with him she just didn’t feed him?? She has since had him over night and again completely disregarded my routine I’ve worked so hard to implement. She’s asked again this week to have him again for a full day?!? Even though she’s seen him trove last week and saw him yesterday. Not only do I not want to because I don’t like being without him, but because she’s disregarding my routine. I ha e no idea how to approach it? I am happy for her to come to ours 2 times a week in happy to take my DS to her, meet her out but I don’t want her to have him for a full day. She even got standoffish when she found out my parents are having him for the first time EVER next week?! It’s too much! I’m not one for confrontation and do not want to rock the boat but I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal? HELP!!

I think when he's older, when he's a toddler it'll be lovely for her to look after him for the day. Lovely for her, him and you! 7.5 months is a little too young in my opinion. He needs his routine and won't understand what's going on.

Given coronavirus there's no way I'd let my baby be looked after by someone who doesn't stick to my routine and rules. Where does she go during the week, does she wash her hands, do the people she meets wash their hands? And then what does she do when she has baby?

Tell her the world has changed dramatically in the last few days and she's not getting baby!

I think this woman has forced you to hand over your DS when you weren't ready. She has made your mother feel uncomfortable for spending time with him. She is now sending nasty texts and lying. So I think a peroid off distance is required and you and your OH need to be clear on what is acceptable and set some boundaries.

I would tell her that if that is how unstable she is acting then the baby won't be left with her again. End of. Fuck her. She is quite happy to take the gloves off and play dirty so why should you care about upsetting her?

Please don't fall for her manipulation! She is using your child as some sort of trophy to go and show off to people, don't let this cloud the rest of your maternity leave

I had this attitude with my MIL and SIL almost thirty years ago. Set of my inner mamma bear and they were never left alone with my child. Had they been more sensitive and supportive I probably would have left DC with them.

Now I am a paternal GM and I put my DIL first. I get lots of quality time with my GC both with the parents present and without.

Your MIL has to learn to share. Your baby is lucky as he has grandparents close by but it isn't a competition to see who sees him more often and she is the one making all the demands. Stand your ground.

I would say at this stage it's time say director to her, but with your oh there

"Mary this isn't working, you see him at least once but mostly twice a week, I call to you, you call here. It's like you only count the time you are alone as seeing him? When you do see him alone you don't stick to his routine, his routine is for him, his welfare, not for me. Then you have an issue when we see my mother. Anyway, this is the new routine because I am on maternity and not dealing with you as you are being unfair, I see my mam with ds, I will see whenever I want to. You can see ds with your son on his days off. I'll look after my side, dp looks after his, it's the only fair way. I tried to help while I was off but it was never enough or good enough so I am giving up, enjoying my maternity and looking after my family. So all contact to see ds can go though your ds." And then step away

@Gramgram that’s really lovely to read. I’ve had a similar experience with MIL and often worry that I’ll be so anxious about not being like her that I’ll be a cold and distant to any future DILs!

I really like calmdownjanet’s response. Don’t waste anymore of your maternity leave thinking about this and let DH deal with her entirely. This is how we dealt with our situation because her tantrums were getting worse and my resentment was out of control. Good luck

Please don’t feel bad, this is your baby and MIL has no claim on him!

I have PMed you with some support x

op you are your babies world and their voice..no is enough to say,Please do not ever apologise for putting your babies needs first ..if you dont do it who will? Your rules.Your child. The only person you owe anything to is your child and if people cannot respect that then they simply do not matter enough to be trusted. Please do not let your child down to pacify someone elses needs. If you are not happy with the arrangements then no sorry it cannot happen.

Oh my gosh, I’ve just read through this whole thing. MIL sounds terrible OP, I feel for you, I would find it so hard to keep my cool! It sounds like she’s just really possessive and if she’s cancelled seeing her grandson Weds purely because she pissed that your mum is spending time with you all then she’s obviously not that bothered about seeing him, she just wants to be in control??! It’s really strange behaviour! I know grandparents dote on their grandkids but this is different, I also do not understand this obsession with having them over night or all day (unless asked) I mean it’s not your baby ffs!! Babies are meant to be with their mothers!! It’s nature! Yeh it’s great to have family but this is mad. My twins are 2.5 years and they won’t be staying over at my parents house for god knows how long and it’s only recently I’ve let them stay with my parents without me, because they understand what’s going on now and know I’ve not just left them. Also... saying your baby won’t know who she is, wtf?! That’s just ridiculous! We live 300 miles away from my family and my kids know who ‘grandad and nana’ are! Keep us updated! Glad your OH is supporting you now!!

OP I think the question of "why do you need, want alone time?" "What are you planning to do when I'm not there?"
Are both very good questions.

I'd be half tempted to blame Corona you want to limit both her risks of catching something from him.

But bottom line, your baby, your rules. And yes I'm another who suspects she's trying to pile food into him.

She is raging because she needs power and control and she is being thwarted. You have to stand up for yourself and your child here. The idea about letting you partner deal with her is a good one - providing he's on exactly the same page as you.
Good luck with keeping strong- I have been through similar but with my own mum and it is easy to give in to the manipulation. She will try almost anything now to get what she wants so be careful.
You have given her ample chances. I would keep the communication light but assertive. It is ok to say No to unreasonable people.
Enjoy the precious time with your ds.

Honestly ladies I have read through every single comment. I really can’t thank you all enough. I’m overwhelmed but all the advice I never expected to get the response I have let alone ladies in the same position. So thank you I feel like you’re all my friends! We haven’t heard from her today as I think most of you have said we are allowing a cool off period. I’ll keep you all updated!!! Thanks again. Lots of love x