MIL Is she being too much? Please help!!

[Cwtchymumma]

So I gave birth to my first beautiful baby boy 7.5 months ago. I’m lucky enough to have the full year off on maternity leave! I need you to know that I am IN awe of my baby. I can’t and hate being without him, he is now my world and each day revolves around him. Me and my OH have been together for 2.5 years and me and his mum have always had a great relationship. However, she has become quite a lot recently with my DS. She see’s him about once/twice a week with me there, she has plenty of cuddles, feeds him while I’m there everything. I don’t really interfere unless he is getting a little upset or my MIL needs to do something. About a month or so ago she said she “wants him for a full day to herself without me”.... a little taken back by it I reluctantly accepted. I dropped him off in the morning and wrote down his feeds, amounts and provided her with everything she needed. I came home without him and just cried, I didn’t know what to do with myself. (Ended up doing bits around the house because everyone’s at work). I picked him up and she handed me a piece of paper with his feeds on. My son has 7oz every 2 hours at this point. She said “I fed him at 10am, 7oz. Then I took him out and gave him a top up at 12 of 2oz?!?!? And that’s all the milk he’s had....I picked him up at 4.30pm!!!!!!!! He was dribbling chewing on my shoulder and clearly hungry!?! But because she had gone out to see other family with him she just didn’t feed him?? She has since had him over night and again completely disregarded my routine I’ve worked so hard to implement. She’s asked again this week to have him again for a full day?!? Even though she’s seen him trove last week and saw him yesterday. Not only do I not want to because I don’t like being without him, but because she’s disregarding my routine. I ha e no idea how to approach it? I am happy for her to come to ours 2 times a week in happy to take my DS to her, meet her out but I don’t want her to have him for a full day. She even got standoffish when she found out my parents are having him for the first time EVER next week?! It’s too much! I’m not one for confrontation and do not want to rock the boat but I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal? HELP!!

Also, this is ALWAYS the question on my mind (I know a few of you have also asked the same thing) why does she want him without me? I never correct her way of holding him, feeding him, playing with him. I pass baby straight over to her when I walk through the door. So WHY?!? She wants to go back to another family members house this week WITHOUT me but me and my DS went last Thursday? I don’t get it?

Because in her head, she's playing at being mum again.

Why have you agreed to leave your baby with her for 3 hours when she only feeds him as & when she can be offered? That's neglect

I pass baby straight over to her when I walk through the door. So WHY?!?

Yes, why do you do this? She may see this a you needing a break or that you're not sure what to do (not making excuses here but you need to work out what's causing her to overstep the mark)

OP she is treating him like a dolly. Showing him off to all her friends and family like a pretty toy and playing the doting grandma, whilst ignoring his basic needs and letting him go hungry as feeding him doesn't fit in with her schedule. She is neglecting him.

Tell her that until she can care for him properly she won't be having him alone. Tell your DP that she has proven that she can't be trusted to care for him.

You aren't being PFB - this is about FOOD! The absolute most basic thing babies, and all of us, need! Would she let herself starve all day? I doubt it.

No, she's not a very sensitive woman OP, she's a very manipulative woman.
I had this problem with my dp when our ds was born, but the problem wasn't his DM, it was his dsis. I soon put a stop to that. I refused to have someone insist on having my ds without his parents there, and then get "emotional" when their demands weren't met.
It was the normal thing in their family before I came along. Babies were passed around like a joint at a party. My ds was a very clingy baby as it was, so all I did was worry about him while he was away. It happened twice and then I put my foot down. I had already had a child alone, so I had never had to deal with that the first time. Don't put up with it. I didn't deal with any of the fall out, they just complained to dp and I would just tell him I didn't care and didn't want to hear it.

I agree with what others have said. You don’t have to let her babysit him. For any amount of time. You don’t have to pass him over as soon as she arrives. She’s not respecting you as his mother and it sounds like your dh isn’t either.

Well I am a MiL and a DGM and I do not understand your MiL's behaviour at all. If she truly cared about your LO, she would want him to be happy and contented and would follow your instructions to the letter.

Do not let her look after him alone again. She can't be trusted. You are the mother, not her. Your DH needs to have your back too.

OP I haven't agreed to my DS being away overnight with granny yet and he's 7 years old. You don't have to hand your baby over to anyone if you don't want to. You don't have to explain or justify why, just say no you don't want to. Over and over again if necessary.

MIL: I want to have the baby all day next week.
OP: No I don't want him being away from me all day, but you can have him from x-y.
MIL: You're hogging him!
OP: No I just don't want him being away from me all day, but you can have him from x-y.
MIL: You're keeping him from me, son do something about it!
DH: You're keeping baby away from my mum, she wants him for a day next week.
OP: I don't want him being away from me all day, but she can have him from x-y.

And repeat ...

What does she want to do with him that she can't do when you're there?

This is the crux of the matter and I would ask it directly.

It's not normal in any of the families I know for the ILs to have the baby without the mother unless it's at the mother's request because she needs a break.

Tell your DH to stop being an arse and to support you.

Rock the boat until the bloody thing capsizes! Usually I can see the Mil’s point of view but not this time. You’ve been incredibly generous and she’s fucked it up big time.

Turn yourself into a broken record. “He was all out of his routine n starving” “I made him so I’ll hog him all i like” “if you want to help you can do the ironing ”

My granny’s my back up she’s forever saying he’s your baby you do what you want with him.

Mil is banished on two counts in my mind.. “butter/chocolates not dairy!” (It feckin is he’s allergic love) and consistently undermining me with his meals/routines (letting him sleep in a car on a driveway for 3 hours as a second nap and feeding him Half of one of those tiny just carrots pouches as a dinner.. he’s nearly one he eats like a horse) seems minor but I wouldn’t get an ounce of rest if she took him away for a day on her own.. she’s welcome to take DP too lol.

Dm is trusted but she raised me and another food allergy baby and is willing to follow any crazy routines I ask (I gave her a dirty T-shirt for the car when she took him a drive to help us both sleep she didn’t question why my batshit idea of him needing to smell me existed just knew it was harmless)

Ask the old at if she passed her son off to others so readily as she seems to want you to do.
Please tell me she does NOT HAVE A KEY TO YOUR HOUSE
Be strong and deliver your rebuff with a smile, this confuses people, keep smiling and keep saying the same thing

‘Sensitive’ people really other people not going against the grain - it keeps things in order for them. Cultivated over time.

Have you messaged her?

Update. Ladies, it’s just all spiralled out of control. Now I really don’t know what to do....I took everyone’s advice(thank you again) but also kept the MIL feelings in mind. So I allowed her to have my DS not all day as she requested but from 1pm-4pm a couple of weeks back...anyway, long story short. She turned up at our house today to drop presents off for my partner as it’s his birthday this week. She was greeted by my mum (who doesn’t see my DS half as much as my MIL even though she’s just as close by) dressed and ready for a little play date with me, my partner and DS and the look on her face was absolute disgust!!!! We asked her “what are your plans for the rest of the day MIL” she replied with “well I don’t know now”... implying that because we had plans she now had none?!?!? Anyway, long story short she let pandora WELL AND TRULY out the box today. She began messaging my partner essays straight after leaving. Saying things like “I have (my DS) from 1.15pm to 4pm and I’m supposed to be grateful????” And “I’m only ever wanted for “emergency’s” Not true at all, I took my DS to see her on Friday, she saw him today and we planned to meet again Wednesday next week. . She has now cancelled Wednesday. She also continued on that my 8 month old baby “won’t know who she is” SHE SEE’S HIM AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK!!!?! My mum was kept up to date with all that was said and said during our day out said “I feel guilty for being here” which broke my heart... My partner (THANK GOD) is well and truly supporting me and has stuck up for me during this. Which I am so grateful for but now they are no longer on talking terms and she is so so stubborn!! I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child and I feel like ours is broken. On one side I’m so angry with the things she has said in these texts I could do without her but I don’t want me DS to be without her. I have no idea what to do now. It’s all so messy!!

I feel like we are constantly trending on egg shells with her. She even out in the messages “I only see him on Instagram”?!? She is CRAZY!!! I reminded my partner today. “She does realise we had our baby for US not her right???

Ah well fuck her. She’s made the decision so it’s down to her. Ignore and carry on and enjoy your baby. Let the dust settle, she’ll come running.

Just stop hosting her at your house or visiting hers with the baby and let your DH deal with her, it’s his mum.

He will soon stop all the drama when it’s him that has to deal with it .

Don’t send him but because you don’t want to not because she’s not perfect. I’ve never met a Grandma that sticks to the rules. Their rebels and it’s annoying but if you can learn to accept it they’re high presence in a kids life is an absolute blessing m. My mums a total shit and has never listened to a single instruction I’ve given her but gig, she’s enriched my boys life so much.

Oh dear. We had this. We have slowly but surely distanced ourselves more and more as time has gone on. My biggest mistake was accepting (offered) childcare help when I returned to work. Had I known what it would lead to I would never have done it.

Let your dh deal with it and dont whatever you do let her do childcare when youre back in work

If I were you, I would back well off. Have her visit only when DH is there and cancel any planned babysitting. Pull back from any texts and messages.
Show her that this relationship works on mutual respect and that her acting up only impacts herself negatively.
Good luck!

Think of this in a good way, you now know how bad she is early on.
I am sure she will calm down once the dust has settled make sure you and you DH agree to maintain your boundaries.
My husband and I only realised how bad my MiL & SiL are at ignoring our wishes as parents when our eldest was about 6. And it took something that could have been extremely upsetting for the kids to open our eyes. They are particularly bad at favouring our Nephew over the female GKids even when he's being extremely Violent (due to SN).

one incident that I still feel guilty about is they took all the GKids so 4 of them away to the seaside with clubcard vouchers, it was only when my eldest came back she said I didn't like it mummy as there wasn't enough beds and we had to sneak into the hotel and if someone had seen us we would have slept in the car. Turns out they didn't want to pay extra and book two hotel rooms (they aren't broke and we would have paid).

Whilst sleeping in a car isn't necessarily the worst thing ever for a child, there was no need for.itand at the time they were 4&6 so they would have found it a little frightening.

The final nail in the coffin was when one of my DD said that she's afraid of my nephew but Nanny doesn't listen to her and tells her off when he does something. They are now explicitly not allowed to have all the GKids at once our DD is not allowed to go to anything without us if our Nephew is present. It's not fair for her to be frightened just so my MiL & SiL can play happy families.

Beware though my MiL & SiL have tried to trick is before and say they are only taking our kids out when they were actually planning to take all of them out. So I am sure your MiL will do similar be warned OP.

Well done on standing your ground, its good that you show her that you aren’t going to bow down every time she wants to show him off. The longer you leave it the harder it would have been. Not feeding him is extreme and you were generous allowing her to have him on her own at all after that.
This time when they are so small goes so fast and I look back on that time with my son as being so special. You have every right to keep him with you if thats what you choose.

If I were you I'd adhere to the words in her texts, so if she said:

"I'm only allowed to see the baby once a week."

Only let her see the baby once a week, explain that you'd hate to make a liar of her and as she said it was just 1 visit per 7 days, that's what it will be.

If she said "You never let me have any alone time with DGS."
Again, agree with her. Quote her words back to her and say "We did let you have alone time with him, but now us doing so would make you a liar, so we won't anymore, for your sake."

Etc.

The texts she sent are manipulated and abusive and they're lies.

By adhering to them, she can hardly complain can she?

If she texts, "can I come round and see DGS tomorrow?"
Feel free to respond with "No, because you saw him yesterday and as per your previous texts, you only see him once a week."

If she wants to admit she was lying, let her and decide how to love on from there.

But the bond of trust is gone now due to her behaviour, so she needs to feel that loss before she will change.