Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Tried to do something nice for my son's 18th...

49 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/03/2020 23:50

My son is 18 next week. I had him when I was 16. I have tried really hard to give him as much as I can through his life. When he was little, I went to uni and got a degree. I even managed to buy a house by the time he was 5. But I have only ever been able to live month to month since, and only now at age 34 I have finally been able to pay in to a pension (this is to avoid drip feeding, and give an idea of why this means a lot to me).

As he is turning 18 I wanted to get him something he wanted. He suggested a 2 night city break, initially thinking Paris, with a day in Disneyland. This sounded fab. It would be him and his girlfriend, and I could just about manage to pay for it.

Now we are one week away from his birthday, and because he has been waiting for permission from his girfriends parents (she is 17) to go and take time off college - he has escalated and escalated this trip.

This evening we had settled on a 4 day trip to Majorca, self catering. Again it just scraped in my budget (it was a little over but I thought it seemed like a good deal, so would stretch to it). 3 hours later it has now become a 6 day break to Majorca, all inclusive with my sons girlfriends mum saying she will pay the extra £190 for all inclusive.

Now I am the big bad guy because I wanted to give my son a gift, from me. Not having others chip in to make it something else. I am really upset that my gift to my son is being ridden roughshod all over by his girlfriends mum (enabled by my son), and my son can't see why I might be upset. I had already told her parents I would be paying for the trip.

I just feel like the big bad guy. What would you do if you were me? Remind my son of the budget agreed, or accept the extra money from his girlfriends parents? Am I being ridiculous wanting to do one "big" gesture for my son?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 01/03/2020 23:53

I’d accept the money from parents. I see your point but to me this is a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why not get him a lovely photo book of your memories of him and you too?

Emptywallet · 01/03/2020 23:57

Jesus my 24 year old dd was like this. They make you feel shit but of you don’t put your foot down it will just continue to happen.

They were excited and getting carried away but the stark reality is you can’t afford that. It was supposed to be a little cheap get away now it’s turned in to a week long fucking all inclusive holiday. That wasn’t the deal. It’s kind her parents will chip in but you never asked them to.

I’d say the original offer stands. If they don’t want to do that tell him to pick a gift out and go buy it.

I’ve stopped giving dd money for gifts because it was just a bank transaction.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/03/2020 23:59

I have made him a photo card, written him a letter and bought some other keepsakes. I just wanted to be able to give him something a bit "more".

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

17 years old 18 years old
Emptywallet · 01/03/2020 23:59

Kids just do not realise how hard you have to work for money. Infuriates me. Do not feel guilty

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 01/03/2020 23:59

I think you are being unreasonable. It's not meant to be about you.

Emptywallet · 02/03/2020 00:01

A city break to Paris is a bloody amazing trip.

Min the morning just be honest

‘Look son, I’ve had a rethink and I just can’t afford it. We need to go back to the original plan, if you don’t want Paris any more pick a present out and I’ll go get it’

katy1213 · 02/03/2020 00:03

Maybe you should have suggested a trip together; don't think you should have to fund a girlfriend who will probably be history in a few weeks/months.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/03/2020 00:05

I remember my 21st, my dad wanted to buy me expensive jewellery. Bearing in mind I lived in a council house at the time, what the feck was I going to do with a 2k necklace or whatever?
I remember feeling like my dad was so out of touch, and why couldn't he just listen to me.
So I don't want my son to feel the same, which is why I asked him what he would like with a budget of X. I've tried to be mindful of what he wants.

OP posts:
itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 00:07

But what are you mad at?
That he's exceeding the budget and may be acting ungrateful?

Or that his MiL is wanting to help as her birthday gift to him and that's making you feel inadequate?

Kikkoman · 02/03/2020 00:07

You’ve spoilt him OP from one SP who over compensated to another.

Go back to the original plan. If he kicks of he is a brat that doesn’t deserve to go. Tell him you’ve looked at finances and you can’t afford it - because you can’t.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/03/2020 00:09

Katy, the problem is a trip for the two of us would never happen. I'm a single mum to 3 (with a boyfriend who has his own child). Financially his budget would perhaps get us 1 night in a caravan in wales! He may not be with his girlfriend for long, but he is now, and this trip is in less than 2 months. I'd pay for a friend to go with him, so it doesn't matter to me whether he wants to go with a mate or his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Emptywallet · 02/03/2020 00:10

You are not your dad.

You told him X.

X holiday is fantastic

But then he wanted Y

Then that turned to Z

Now your at the point where you can’t afford it and your scared of upsetting him because you offered to send him Paris.

Stop feeling guilty. If he told you he wanted a Porsche would you go out and buy that?

ssd · 02/03/2020 00:10

I don't understand why he isn't sticking to the budget you set?

Kikkoman · 02/03/2020 00:11

SSD because he’s always been spoiled.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/03/2020 00:12

He has just apologised and given me a big hug, but he has now gone to bed with no further discussion of the trip other than his reasons for why he thinks this extra cost is better.

He also said his girlfriend and her mum have apologised for upsetting me. So now I have to message them and explain it is HIM who has upset me (by being so pig-headed and not listening) rather than them.

Ffs.

OP posts:
OneHanded · 02/03/2020 00:15

I’m sorry but I don’t see the problem if someone else is willingly footing the extra?

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/03/2020 00:16

That's the thing, he genuinely isn't spoiled. If anything, I carry round a heap of guilt for the lack of things I have been able to provide him (money and time!).

He has had the hardest time out of my 3 children, and he has never complained or thrown anything back in my face. (He has just been an arsehole in other ways Grin ). He thoroughly deserves a nice trip away. I just wanted to be the one to give him it.

OP posts:
itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 00:17

But you will be....and his MIL will be giving him a gift as well.

Other people can give him gifts.

Emptywallet · 02/03/2020 00:18

Because he knows damn well he will get his own way that’s why.

Go upstairs and put him right. It’s quite horrible that he knows his mum is upset over it but he thinks he’s gotten away with it.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2020 00:20

Cancel it...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/03/2020 00:21

and this trip is in less than 2 months.

The way he's going it'll end up as a 10 week road trip across America with a blow out stop of in Vegas!

I'm joking but tbh I wouldn't be surprised if it did escalate further, 2 months is a long time to spend more of your money you don't have.😬 Sympathies but you need to nip this in the bud, but you already knew that. Really hope you can get this sorted.

defineme · 02/03/2020 00:22

Would you have been upset if the gf parents had given them spending money for meals out? That's all it is really- you've still got them the holiday..the flight and room is really the holiday. I think you've been a little as sensitive. I wouldn't backtrack now- it's not fair on him. 4 nights in Majorca isn't so different to 2 nights in Disney..meals and park tickets really add up on those trips.
I do understand..my in-laws are masters at present stealing thunder- I write super clear birth day cards specifying exactly what my present is Grin. My dd1 also spirals with excitement when holidays are mentioned.
You have done a lovely thing.
It can still be a lovely thing.
Just have a chat and explain how you felt.

Deadringer · 02/03/2020 00:30

Can you just give him the money, your original budget, and let him decide what sort of trip he wants? I know you want to pay for the whole thing but if he keeps moving the goalposts it's not going to work. Give him a set amount, it will pay for most of the trip and it's still a wonderful gift.

Samtsirch · 02/03/2020 00:31

I think a big gesture for your son would be accepting the money and letting them have the holiday they want, let him enjoy his 18th knowing that you have made a financial contribution and also have not let your feelings get in the way of something he will enjoy and remember for a long time.

Lalala205 · 02/03/2020 06:59

But if you think of it as you are still doing the paid holiday/big gesture for your DS? Effectively they're only chipping in for a portion of their Dd? That in no way detracts from your 'big trip' for him? If anything it's 'you paying for his 1st adult big holiday abroad!'. Which is massive as a teen, and what he'll remember in years to come.