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Original poster

Tried to do something nice for my son's 18th...

49 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/03/2020 23:50

My son is 18 next week. I had him when I was 16. I have tried really hard to give him as much as I can through his life. When he was little, I went to uni and got a degree. I even managed to buy a house by the time he was 5. But I have only ever been able to live month to month since, and only now at age 34 I have finally been able to pay in to a pension (this is to avoid drip feeding, and give an idea of why this means a lot to me).

As he is turning 18 I wanted to get him something he wanted. He suggested a 2 night city break, initially thinking Paris, with a day in Disneyland. This sounded fab. It would be him and his girlfriend, and I could just about manage to pay for it.

Now we are one week away from his birthday, and because he has been waiting for permission from his girfriends parents (she is 17) to go and take time off college - he has escalated and escalated this trip.

This evening we had settled on a 4 day trip to Majorca, self catering. Again it just scraped in my budget (it was a little over but I thought it seemed like a good deal, so would stretch to it). 3 hours later it has now become a 6 day break to Majorca, all inclusive with my sons girlfriends mum saying she will pay the extra £190 for all inclusive.

Now I am the big bad guy because I wanted to give my son a gift, from me. Not having others chip in to make it something else. I am really upset that my gift to my son is being ridden roughshod all over by his girlfriends mum (enabled by my son), and my son can't see why I might be upset. I had already told her parents I would be paying for the trip.

I just feel like the big bad guy. What would you do if you were me? Remind my son of the budget agreed, or accept the extra money from his girlfriends parents? Am I being ridiculous wanting to do one "big" gesture for my son?

OP posts:

Chocolatecake12 · 02/03/2020 07:08

Lovely big gesture but paying for his girlfriend is bonkers.
Does he work at all? How was he going to pay for meals/trips?
All he will remember in years to come is that he went away for his 18th. Not who paid for what.

PixieDustt · 02/03/2020 07:14

I think they're actually laying for their daughter as they probably don't feel comfortable with you footing the whole bill. They've gone about it in a way without directly telling you they are paying for their DD.
I'm sorry you can defend your son obviously but he is a brat.
I don't see how a trip to Paris turned into 6 day all inclusive holiday to Majorca.

PixieDustt · 02/03/2020 07:14

Paying*

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Scrumptiousbears · 02/03/2020 07:19

I agree they are paying for their daughter. With self catering they'd have to cover food so someone will be footing the bill for this. Just allow it.

LittleMissEngineer · 02/03/2020 07:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SuperMeerkat · 02/03/2020 07:21

Could you think of it as you paying for your son and her parents are paying for the girlfriend? After all if she wasn’t coming then the budget would stretch.

DivaRainbow · 02/03/2020 07:31

This is an amazing gift for your son but seeing it from her parents point of view, They may want to pay for them to go all inclusive to ensure they are well fed while away and not panicking about money for food. I would accept the money, You have still paid for the holiday itself.

Bringringbring12 · 02/03/2020 07:34

Oh Op i would accept the money. No hesitation.

Emptywallet · 02/03/2020 07:35

I think your all missing the point of OP not really being able to afford it.

Choosing to leave yourself short just to appease your son and his new girlfriend is a bad idea. He should put that pressure on his mum. He gave zero fucks last night and that’s not a good trait

sashh · 02/03/2020 07:36

Accept the money from gf's parents, you ARE giving your son an amazing gift, let them pay for their daughter and the 'upgrade'.

Think about it this way, if it was something else, lets say a bike. If he was really into cycling and you bought him a new expensive bike and then his gf's parents bought him some kit to go with it, you have still given him an amazing gift, but someone else has made it more special, they have not taken the bike away.

Now make it the trip, you have given him a trip, some other people are adding on to that.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 07:37

No. She was fineish with the added expense. It was sharing the praise she didn't like.

Nekoness · 02/03/2020 07:38

I agree the other parents are trying to contribute to their daughter’s portion. I think it’s great that your son won’t have to worry about budgeting for food when on his holiday and his girlfriend doesn’t feel guilty like she’s getting half his gift.

Howmanysleepsnow · 02/03/2020 07:47

You are buying the holiday.
Girlfriend’s mum’s gift is paying for food and drink while they’re away (just because it happens to be in the hotel doesn’t change that).
Think of it as 2 separate gifts, because it is.

Runnerduck34 · 02/03/2020 07:50

Were you paying for your son and his GF ? If so her parents contribution is for her and you are still giving your son his entire trip for his birthday.
I understand why it is so sensitive for you but I think you should accept GF parents contribution, but the line then has to be drawn,no more add ons, changes of mind! You are giving your son an amazing gift one he will always remember and I'm sure be grateful for.
His birthday gift should be about him and not about you and if you say no to GF parents paying for all inclusive add on you run the risk of it all turning sour and to be fair the all inclusive option may work out cheaper in the long run. You are still giving your son an amazing 18th birthday present, be proud of everything you have achieved!

OhCaptain · 02/03/2020 07:52

Aw I can see how the discussion might have led them to the six nights.

I think YABU. His gift is a trip to the value of X.

Gf’s mum might have gotten him a present anyway, plus her DD gets a holiday, all for £190.

I think you’re projecting a bit. I don’t see what harm it is to let them extend the trip!

Ginfordinner · 02/03/2020 08:12

I am really upset that my gift to my son is being ridden roughshod all over by his girlfriend’s mum

I don’t see it this way at all. You could look at it that you are paying for your son for his birthday, and the girlfriend’s mum is paying for her. I don’t think she is undermining you. I think her intentions are well meant. You shouldn’t feel that you have to pay for the girlfriend as well. It isn’t her birthday.

I paid for DD to go to Paris for her 18th birthday, and her boyfriend paid for himself. It was never my intention to pay for him - and he is now her ex boyfriend anyway. You need to remove that chip off your shoulder.

edwinbear · 02/03/2020 09:21

OP you are buying your DS and his gf an amazing holiday together. Her parents are paying for her food & drinks whilst they are away, as a PP has said, they are basically sending her off with a bit of spending money. They are likely a little embarrassed that you are buying their DD a holiday and want to make a contribution.

Accept the money, it doesn't detract at all form your very kind and generous gesture.

midsummabreak · 02/03/2020 09:38

Agree with Samtsirch and ItsallthedeamaMickiloveit
Live and let live. He will appreciate whateveryou can give and it's lovely that his girlfriend's family love your idea so much that tgey want to contribute to the holiday too. Stick to paying for only what you can afford,, so one or two nights in Paris , and let others contribute the rest of the cost.

ssd · 02/03/2020 10:11

Personally I think you're nuts paying for his girlfriend, her mum is obviously thinking the same so has offered to contribute a bit.

crustycrab · 02/03/2020 10:19

I don't understand why he's going with his girlfriend and not you! Why are you paying for her?

EdgarAlanPoe · 02/03/2020 10:19

Why are you allowing this to happen when you can’t afford it?

Dowser · 02/03/2020 10:35

He can do the all inclusive thing any time, with mates, with girlfriends
Paris would’ve been so much more special
I think I’d say..right, I’ve got £500 put away for your birthday
You do the research, tell me where you want to go and I’ll pay up to £500

Dowser · 02/03/2020 10:37

Or whatever the budget was

Starisnotanumber · 02/03/2020 12:42

If they are going all inclusive then it is easy to budget If you go to Paris so many things are expensive, meals out, drinks, admission to sites etc so if he's on a limited amount of money may affect his enjoyment.
If he does go while we are still in EU museums may be free but at the moment some are closed due to corona virus
If he goes all inclusive its really easy if he's never been on holiday alone plus there's a rep on site if he's concerned about anything and they pick up at airport and return no need to think about transport to hotel.
If his girlfriend is still under 18 when they go she will be issued with child's wristband and won't be able to get all inclusive alcohol which may affect them. He is forbidden from getting drinks for her as well.

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