Come and talk to me please. DP away with work and I'm really struggling with anxiety

[HowYouLikeThemApples]

Hi,

So I'm genuinely really embarrassed to admit this, because it makes me sound needy and pathetic, but anyway...

My DP is away with work for a couple of weeks and I miss them like crazy.

Can't sleep, can't stop jumping at every noise I hear and I'm counting down the days until they're home.

I know this isn't a healthy way to feel and I'm quite good at hiding it. Hence I'm on here, rather than admitting to friends how I'm feeling

Don't get me wrong, a night alone can be quite nice- watching what you want, getting a takeaway, PJs on, make up off...very unattractive face mask on but I still wouldn't sleep. Obviously I can handle it for a night or two, but two weeks is just horrible!

I am trying to keep myself busy, organising things to do, people to see, but it's still at night time that my mind starts wandering and I'm already starting to feel very low and on edge.

I've always struggled with anxiety, so this is just another trigger.

Anyway, please distract me, suggest things to do/to watch (which aren't dark or disturbing) or just chat

Thank you.

I put radio on low but I also invite my mum to stay! Or go to hers. I feel exactly the same as you!!

OP do you have PTSD? What triggered the anxiety and what help are you getting with it for example, medication, therapy, acupuncture, mindfulness etc

What stops you sleeping? Anxiety? Loneliness? Something else?

Is there anything that's helped in the past?

Changing your bedtime routine, having something on as background noise, having a notebook to write down anything playing on your mind, a soft blanket to hold and focus on the texture against your skin...

@Haggisfish, glad I'm not the only one, sort of I wish I could go to family or friends, but I can't because of the DC.

@12345kbm, it was never diagnosed, but actually thinking about it, we were broken into when I was a kid and one of our neighbours from a previous house, tried to come into our house when drunk and aggressive.

I honestly don't know if it's the reason, because I'm generally an anxious person anyway and although on the surface, I might appear quite tough and perfectly capable of looking after myself, deep down I feel like a child! I bloody hate it.

Actually I was diagnosed with OCD last year, but in the form of very repetitive thoughts, usually dark/disturbing and pretty much always at night time.

Put your bedroom chest of drawers in front of your bedroom door so nobody can open it and keep your phone charged up and handy. That way you know you’re safe and if anyone breaks in they won’t get to you before you’ve phoned for help.

Being kind to yourself rather than calling yourself "needy" and "pathetic" might also help a little? It's natural to miss someone, especially if their presence makes you feel more secure overnight.

I also find it helpful to check everything is locked up and then replay the memory of my secure front door if I start to feel jittery. Likewise mentally labelling any sounds, "house settling", "next door's car", "radiators cooling". Or just repeat "I am safe here" as infinitum.

It will be a sense of achievement.

@user1958532689654, yes to both. I just don't feel safe or comfortable. It's almost like trying to sleep without a duvet or on an uneven mattress.

I hate being this reliant. Honestly, hate it.

I'm sorry to hear that OP. It's perfectly understandable that, given your childhood experience, that you would feel anxious when alone in the house.

There's an organisation called Anxiety UK that have a helpline. They offer various therapies specifically for anxiety like CBT and hypnotherapy. It may be worth giving them a ring to find out more information.

Epson Salts in a hot bath, before you go to bed may help relax you. Lavender essential oil in a diffuser or sprayed on your pillows may help. B Vitamins help with anxiety as does magnesium. You could research those. You can find more info here.

Phone the Samaritans for a chat in the middle of the night if you are anxious or can't sleep. That's what they're there for: 116 123

Mindful meditation is also helpful. You can download an app with various meditations. Check this out and see if there's anything that looks useful.

I am exactly the same OP. I have always been like it, and it drives my husband bonkers because I’m like it (though slightly less so) even when he is here. It is definitely obsessive behaviour though I haven’t ever spoken to anyone irl about it to have any sort of professional view on it. I have obsessive thoughts about other things too, they tend to go in cycles. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting and I wish I could be different.

I know there is help out there but I want to be able to deal with it myself. One thing I have done which has helped me feel more in control has been to get an alarm, sensors and security cameras for the house. That way I know if there are noises in the house, unless the alarm goes off it is nothing to worry about. It has really helped, though no doubt I will find something else to obsess over.

Am lucky to have an incredibly patient and supportive husband, so things could definitely be worse. Sending to you - you’re not alone.

@Elieza, I have a DC so couldn't do that. Tbh, a lot of my anxiety comes from worrying about them.

@user1958532689654, thank you. I do try to be kind to myself, but it's difficult when you don't have a good opinion of yourself.

@12345kbm, thanks for your kind words and for your advice. Tbh, I never thought about calling the Samaritans for my anxiety. I would feel I was wasting their time

You wouldn't be wasting their time OP. They are there for everyone, no matter what is going on. If you just need someone to talk to, to take your mind of things, give them a call.

You don't have to live with anxiety so see your doctor and have a chat with her about it. You might find medication helpful. Another path to try is EMDR which is for trauma. Have a look into that and see if it might be helpful. It is available on the NHS in some areas or you could pay privately.

I also agree that you wouldn't be wasting their time. They're not just for people feeling suicidal.

I think you deserve kindness, although I know it's easier for me to suggest self compassion than it is for you to try it. Maybe try starting with just one thing each day until it feels easier to accept? Even if it's just doing something nice solely because it's nice.

Do you have a comforter you can take with you tonite when you go to sleep? I know it's not the same as a person, but having something to hold onto can bring comfort and reassurance. Building a nest of pillows might also help (e.g. So you can feel them against your back or alongside your body).

I also try to just focus on my breathing when my thoughts start to swirl out of control at night time.

None of these are magical solutions (unfortunately) but they're things you can potentially add to your toolkit alongside suggestions from other posters.

What about getting a house alarm fitted before your husband goes away next time, that would make you and the dc feel more secure?

Put your bedroom chest of drawers in front of your bedroom door so nobody can open it and keep your phone charged up and handy. That way you know you’re safe and if anyone breaks in they won’t get to you before you’ve phoned for help

FGS, don't do this. It'll delay you getting out if there's a fire (sorry not wanting to add to your anxiety, but it needed saying).

@12345kbm, I have actually seen several therapists for my anxiety and it was helpful in parts. There were some techniques that I've taken away and do use and actually learning about why your body goes into that mode was definitely helpful. It's never a magic wand though, it's always something I need to remind myself of.

@user1958532689654, yes, I put out a lot of pillows. DP jokes that I'm such a baby. Not in a nasty way. I honestly don't think they understand how bad my anxiety is actually.

@Elieza, we do have one, but my mind goes past that iyswim. What if the power gets cut?.... etc

Great. My heart's pounding now. Tempted to have a glass of wine, but not sure if alone drinking is a good idea.

It's great that you've had therapy OP. Are there any strategies that you learned during therapy that you could use now?

Could you do a mindful meditation to take your mind off it? Speak to someone to calm yourself down?

Have a warm bath and maybe watch a boxset?

@12345kbm, I could never get used to meditation actually. I have tried so many times. I've heard that some people just don't get on with it.

Meditation takes years to be able to manage successfully and even those who have been doing it for years, struggle. It's not just you.

There's something called a three minute breathing meditation where you focus on your body in the first minute, your breathing in the second and your present surroundings in the third.

The reason it helps is because we often don't know how we feel and our breathing is often shallow or paused when we're anxious.

It needs to be a habit, like brushing your teeth but once you know how to do it, you can do it anywhere like on a bus or even during a meeting.

Here's an example.

Can your DC sleep in the bed with you?

Thanks so much @12345kbm. I will have a proper look at that.

@Boredbumhead, I was going to see if they wanted to, but I actually remember my mum doing that with me when my dad was away, which was hardly ever and I remember wondering why she couldn't just get on with it and sleep on her own

So last night was interesting 😔 Think I started relaxing and drifting off around 4am and then woke at 6.

Oh I feel so refreshed! 😬

I always have my youngest dd in with me when dh is away

It relaxes me having her in the bed and she loves it too although there’s a little tantrum once he’s back

My DH is military, and is away a lot. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but since having DC3, I feel totally overwhelmed and sick when he tells me he’s going away again.
He left today for the 3rd consecutive week of working away (with a few more weeks to go until he’s home for a while) and I just want to cry.
I’ll be fine tomorrow morning because I’ll have to be in school routine with the kids. But the Sunday afternoon when he leaves always leaves me feeling really deflated and overwhelmed

Gosh I'm a single mum so I'm always alone with the kids and dog in the house 24 /7
I did have a week in the house totally alone and the first few days were ace, but then it felt odd.