Scared I won't love my baby

[Alirose111]

Hi, I'm 28 and this will be my first child. I'm 7 weeks. I just dont have that exciting feeling I feel in should have, I fact I feel fairly depressed at the thought of being responsible for somet6for the rest of its life. I'm very scared I will have PND , my mother did with me...she even went as far as to try and smother me, we never bonded and don't talk. I'm so scared and feel very guilty because I know so many women want to be in my position, a loving boyfriend, pregnant etc. I'm also scared gat this now means I will be trapped living with my BF and child forever...like I said I know I sound very childish. Am I a total monster? Thanks.

A monster ?? Nope not at all
Not everyone feels that rush of love straight away - I didn’t. It kind of crept up on me slowly after the baby had arrived and I was recovered
That’s normal btw

As for the pnd. You should probably discuss that with your midwife She can point you towards help that’s appropriate for you - maybe that’s a conversation for next time you see her. Just say what you’ve said here about your own mum

Yes you will be responsible for a tiny baby and yes it’s a learning curve
no one knows what they’re doing first time round
You’ll wing it like the rest of us
As long as baby is clean warm and full your winning

Oh forgot to say. You can’t spoil a tiny baby
You can’t cuddle them too much
They need to be close to mummy

I remember feeling very similar to you!

Don’t forget that your feelings are going to be heavily under the influence of hormones now so it’s pretty common to feel a bit flat, low, emotional and depressed at this stage.

Sometimes we tend to overthink things and worry enough to drive ourselves crazy.

There’s a lot of freedom and relief in believing in what will be will be and trusting in yourself and the process.

You will cope, whatever happens, you will cope and you will find a way. You are stronger than you know.

I didn't bond till birth with my last pregnancy. I had a colleague who didn't bond till her baby was three or four months. She was still a very good mum.

We all bond at different times and that is fine. It will happen, don't worry about that.

You are not your mother, you’ve seen her mistakes. You are a person in your own right. Can you talk about your fears with someone you trust? Someone who will listen and not just offer you platitudes.

The trauma you suffered is triggering your anxiety. You’re doing really well to identify the problem, you just need a bit of help to process it. Lots of people struggle with their fears when they’re pregnant, it focuses so much about what you think about yourself on a life-changing event.

Do you have a partner? Don’t forget they’re going to be 50% of your child’s life.

Speaking as someone who got themselves in a big ball of fear and confusion about becoming a parent I’d say do as much as you can in terms of relaxation and fitness, it would have made a big difference to my mood.

Sorry, I see you have a partner x

I was like that. I didn't get the rush of love at birth either. But I did bond and she is a secure, happy tween now.

I've seen more than one 'born to be a mother' type get depressed because the reality was a lot worse than they believed. I was realistic and therefore much more adaptable. That's you too.

Getting PND is possible and you know that which is great. Trying to smother your baby is vanishingly rare and isn't going to happen to you. Seek help if you need it.

Midwives these days are really hot on trying to get help for people who may have PND, so do bring up your worries with them in your appointment. They wont judge you, and they might even be able to arrange someone for you to talk to while you're pregnant, depending on what is available in your area.

I hope you are able to talk to someone soon. Don't be hard on yourself in the meantime.

Honestly I think there is such an unrealistic pressure to bond with a foetus these days. Dont get me wrong the advances in medicine etc are fantastic but I remain unconvinced that loads of extrascans, 4D scans, knowing we are pregnant so early etc are particularly good for our mental health.

There is nothing to say you will be like your mother. However there are lots of people who struggle with small babies and toddlers- I'm one of them. I completely freaked when I went to mothercare for the first time.

Just take it easy, at the moment there is nothing you need to be doing apart from avoiding alcohol pate and fags and taking folic acid. Just take it one step at a time. It's really good that u are vigilant about your mental health.

It will be ok. I promise.

Hugs OP. I think in some ways pregnancy is more (or differently) terrifying than actually having a baby because you just don't know what will happen. Yes, speak to your midwife about your concerns. My mum had PND after I was born. She was definitely the best mother in the world and I was never in any doubt that she loved me. I didn't have it, but I had lots and lots of support. Make sure you do when baby is born - partner, family, friends, bought in - it makes so much difference. Be kind to yourself. Well done for speaking about your fears and good luck 💐💐

Wow, I am overcome with emotion at your support and non judgement. I'm a good person with a kind heart, I'm just a bit emotionally unstable I'd say. I will tell the midwife how I feel. Thank you ladies xx Ali

Thank you very much x

Thank u very much for your wisdom

Thank u so much for taking the time to reassure me x

I'm a good person with a kind heart, I'm just a bit emotionally unstable I'd say.

If I was a baby, I'd take that over a stable person who was horrible! You'll be fine.

Also OP dont underestimate pregnancy hormones, they can play havoc with your emotions (I'm 7 weeks too - when r u due?)

Thank you. What does OP stand for? I'm due Oct 17th! You? X I have never used this forum before but it's great.

OP - original poster - you xx

Sorry- OP means 'original poster'(I.e. you). I think I'm due 12th! How r u feeling? I'm so sick this time!

And welcome 💐

Cool. Unbelievably sick... I'm on Cyclizine. I couldn't keep anything down. V v v tired!!! And my boobs are tender and bigger already. I actually have had the last week off work because of the sickness, the cyclizine is working tremendously though, how about you? X

I havent had meds yet but if it carries on I may have to. Boobs are bigger and sore which is not ideal when my DS is still feeding.

I really recommend asking for cyclizine. It makes you v drowsy though. I'm picking up the lingo here, DS (darling son). You sound like super woman! X

Aw bless, you poor woman. It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed and a little bit unstable.
You are not your mother, as pp have said talk to your midwife and tell her your worries. There's lots of help and resources available for you.
All this mythical stuff about bonding can be a bit scary. I was a young mum and I didn't feel the initial love for my baby when he was born.
When he was 2 a little girl bit him and I nearly fell over with the rage that rushed through me! I wanted to severely harm that child.
He's now 41 and a father to two lovely, gorgeous little boys.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, I wish you well

Thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot!