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Original poster

Unreliable partner unable to grow up

43 replies

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 12:28

Hi,

First, I am happy for any replies to this. I really need other peoples perspectives as I am at a loss of what to do and at my wits end.

My partner of 10 years is getting increasingly difficult to live with.
We have had our ups and downs and once was in a fight so bad that he ended up slapping me and ended behind bars, restraining order, CPS etc. But out of care for him I withdrew my side of the story so he wouldnt loose his job as a teacher.

We got back together and soon after I had to have an operation- cut story short I was adviced to probably have a child sooner rather than later due to my ovaries etc. So we had a child together.....Now during the end of my pregnancy our fights escalated- we still had nice times but I was left crying a lot after intense fights.

This guy has been overprotected like so many men by his mother. He lived at home until his mid 20s when he finally moved out to go to drama school- he never really made it as an actor but has had a ok life as an acting coach. However, been in the same job for 12 years and now he is under an investigation at work, due to what he says is a couple of days he has taken off to look after our child when sick. I also found a big box of weed in his belongings one month earlier.

All this combined with his bad temper, never improving career, weed smoking and now nearly loosing his job has finally got me very frustrated. I was sort of hoping that he would grow up one day, improve his career etc.

Might I add that I am educated, running two businesses and still managing to stay one day off work a week to look after our 3 year old.

Am I being naive to expect that this will get better? He is impossible to talk to about this and thinks I have no empathy because I am angry over the situation he is now putting me and LO in....

Grateful for all replies x

OP posts:
LovingLola · 27/02/2020 12:31

No it won’t
You were a fool to go back to him after he assaulted you.
It’s up to you whether or not you want to waste your life with him. Unfortunately your 3 year old does not have the luxury of being able to choose.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2020 12:33

Am I being naive to expect that this will get better?

Completely, utterly naive. It's shocking you stayed with him after being hit. What on earth are you still doing with this horrible man? He will never ever change, except to get worse. Get rid NOW.

Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 12:42

Thank you for your replies, guys.
Might I add that he is a very good father and has his good qualities too. When he hit me I pushed him first.
Also, I am an expat so all my network and family is in another country- i.e I have no help whatsoever. If I did I would have just left but its not that simple when you have 0 support or help

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
FadedRed · 27/02/2020 12:46

Might I add that he is a very good father and has his good qualities too.
No he isn’t. A good father respects his child’s mother and doesn’t assault her.
A good father cares about showing a good example got their child/REN by being a responsible adult.
Etc. Etc. Etc.

mencken · 27/02/2020 12:46

you can't undo your past poor choices. Stop the 'like many men', own that he is an arsehole and you keep going back to him and got pregnant by him because you needed a sperm donor urgently.

but you can make future better choices. There is always a way out. Staying means locking your helpless daughter into this violent (you as well), nasty situation and she will not thank you for that. Plus he's a druggie, scum supporting all the other scum (cuckooing, county lines, knife crime etc)

it's also not good that your lies meant that he is still teaching, dangerous to other children.

no excuses. Sort it.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2020 12:47

He has a "bad temper", smokes weed all the time, hits you, but he's a "very good father?" Really?

Leaving him may be challenging, but it's worth it and the struggle won't last forever.

merryhouse · 27/02/2020 13:01

You don't get "investigated" for taking two days of parental leave.

I mean, if you didn't do it properly (formal channels, I mean) you might get a slap on the wrist or a warning, but what the hell is there to investigate?

(oh, and no, don't expect him to change)

hellcarryingahandbag · 27/02/2020 13:42

May I ask why you thought it was a good idea to take him back after you were assaulted? Also, the weed is harmful to you and your child, and what if he assaults the child? You need to stop being a doormat and assert yourself. Keep a diary of his behaviour, take it to court and go down the official channels to keep him out of the child's life. Also, is it an option to go back to your home country? Please don't keep living like this, and please don't subject your child to this situation. Best wishesFlowers

Woollycardi · 27/02/2020 13:48

Wow...he was overprotected by his mother but you see this as an excuse and not a massive red flag? If you have no other support, be alone then. You sound utterly capable so use your capacity to raise your daughter and run your businesses away from a volatile parent.
Why are you letting him also accuse you of no empathy? What utter bollocks. Why are you listening to his lies? He is highly manipulative and you are enabling him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/02/2020 14:55

What a terrible environment to bring a child into.

Topseyt · 27/02/2020 15:18

He won't change. You need legal advice, and to plan an exit for you and your child.

Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 15:19

Thank you for all of your comments. Some constructive. Can I just clarify that he has smacked me once time in 10 years- some people here make it out that he is beating me up on daily basis which is not the case.
We have a happy home as well- it is not black and white I am afraid.
He never ever has smoked in the home or around our child. He has never laid a hand on the child- in fact they have a very close relationship.
So it is more complicated than what some of you paint it to be. Not everything is tabloid.
But I do accept that I have made a mistake and have been naive and also manipulated. As one of you said he is highly manipulative.
When I wrote this post I wanted constructive advice, perhaps from someone who is a single mother or has gone through something similar. Believe me, I already feel bad. So to just write "what a horrible situation to bring a child into" I am sorry what a troll you are. No one is perfect. I happen to be a multi award winning creative and also a mother who is a very good mother and like any want the best for my child. OK. I think the advice about keeping a diary is very welcome and I will take that on. I have already collected evidence where I can. So, thank you for this, hellcarryingahandbag.
I appreciate most of these comments tho, as sometimes friends tend to sugarcoat.
My strategy is basically: keep saving like mad and hide away money in my home country, collect evidence and keep a diary for court case, apply for an extra good job in my home country...But I obviously will have to get full custody before I can take my child with me back....?

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 27/02/2020 15:27

Has a bad temper, is a lazy man-child, has been arrested for assaulting his partner, had cps involved in his family, smokes drugs and now under investigation at work. Fucking father of the year here 😳

What are you hoping for people to tell you op? That he’s suddenly going to change and you’re going to live happily ever after?

Goawayquickly · 27/02/2020 15:35

He sounds dreadful, shit father, shit partner, shit person.
What else could anyone possibly say?

Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 15:36

Fair enough, Herpesfreesince03! I guess a part of me has this stupid hope that he is going to drastically change and that as you say things will work out. But I also know this is futile! I am only human.
Believe me, seeing this black on white without anyone sugarcoating actually helps.

So, no I am not sitting around hoping he will change any longer.

OP posts:
Hermione101 · 27/02/2020 15:36

You won’t be able to take your child back to your home country without his permission, even if you get full custody.

Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 15:38

He is not entirely a shit person. He has many good qualities too. He is, as many people, complex. But there is more bad than good in him, I appreciate that

OP posts:
Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 15:42

That is why one of the steps in my plan has been making him apply for a job back in my home country which I am now hoping he will get. As I am much stronger there- I have a big family and many friends, quite a few of them are actually lawyers and some psychologists working in this specific field. So I guess one solution could be trying to keep things calm, for him to get a job in my home country, us move over and then take the fight when Im there....

OP posts:
goldenorbspider · 27/02/2020 15:45

I think you already know op

TenCornMaidens · 27/02/2020 15:47

Or you could take your business / u bs to your home country. Are you the main earner? You can make a decision about where your business will be that just happens to serve you and your child's best interests.

DingleberryRose · 27/02/2020 15:48

I am astounded you optionally had a child with him.

Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 15:50

This is also an option as my main client is in my home country anyway...But as of a comment above- it will be near impossible for me to take my child with me without my partners consent due to The Childrens Act...My fear is to take on this case here- not get full custody and then be stuck in this country without being able to afford our home on our own- I live in London enough said...

OP posts:
Original poster
Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 15:52

Thanks for the constructive advice, DingleberryRose, I am sure you are perfect.

OP posts:
BobbyBlueCat · 27/02/2020 15:54

You say you are 'educated' and a 'good mother' and act pissy when people tell you the opposite.

I'm in agreement with them.

You wasted a great deal of Police and court time when they could have been working with a victim who genuinly wanted their help.

You stayed with a man that assaulted you because you 'didn't want him to lose his job as a teacher'. A MAN THAT HITS WOMEN IS STILL TEACHING CHILDREN BECAUSE OF YOU!!

You have brought a poor child in to this shit-storm of a relationship with a wife-beating drug user.

"He's not an entirely shit person", you quote. Fuck me. Hitler wasn't ENTIRELY bad. Harold Shipman was okay at times. If he is just a BIT shit then you shouldn't be there with a child, not just hanging around waiting for him to turn entirely shit before you decide to protect them!

The ONLY person I have sympathy with here is your poor child who has a druggie, wife-beating, shit teacher and a deluded 'multi-award winning creative' abuser excuser.

TorkTorkBam · 27/02/2020 16:03

It is clear you know you need to leave him because he is a bad husband. Weed, bad temper, man child, you mainly had a baby with him because you needed sperm urgently for medical reasons. We get it. You get it.

You are trying to manage too many things that are actually outside of your control.

How about splitting up and co-parenting in the UK first. You say he's a good dad but a bad husband, so it could be a very supportive arrangement.

Then after a while if you still want to go back to your home country and the co-parenting is going well you could talk to him about maybe you both move country.