Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Unreliable partner unable to grow up

43 replies

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 12:28

Hi,

First, I am happy for any replies to this. I really need other peoples perspectives as I am at a loss of what to do and at my wits end.

My partner of 10 years is getting increasingly difficult to live with.
We have had our ups and downs and once was in a fight so bad that he ended up slapping me and ended behind bars, restraining order, CPS etc. But out of care for him I withdrew my side of the story so he wouldnt loose his job as a teacher.

We got back together and soon after I had to have an operation- cut story short I was adviced to probably have a child sooner rather than later due to my ovaries etc. So we had a child together.....Now during the end of my pregnancy our fights escalated- we still had nice times but I was left crying a lot after intense fights.

This guy has been overprotected like so many men by his mother. He lived at home until his mid 20s when he finally moved out to go to drama school- he never really made it as an actor but has had a ok life as an acting coach. However, been in the same job for 12 years and now he is under an investigation at work, due to what he says is a couple of days he has taken off to look after our child when sick. I also found a big box of weed in his belongings one month earlier.

All this combined with his bad temper, never improving career, weed smoking and now nearly loosing his job has finally got me very frustrated. I was sort of hoping that he would grow up one day, improve his career etc.

Might I add that I am educated, running two businesses and still managing to stay one day off work a week to look after our 3 year old.

Am I being naive to expect that this will get better? He is impossible to talk to about this and thinks I have no empathy because I am angry over the situation he is now putting me and LO in....

Grateful for all replies x

OP posts:

Wereeaglesdare · 27/02/2020 16:18

Oh piss off @Bobbybluecat

Look everyone makes mistakes meets the wrong person some people have babies with the wrong person. Quite alot of people actually. The OP needs a plan not some knob on her high horse saying how a victim of domestic violence has wasted police time. I dunno maybe she was terrified when a man put his hands on her or maybe the neighbours got involved. Also weed is hardly like he's shooting up smack is it. Although everyone can agree his behaviour disgusting.

Sorry your in this position. But your making your plan I think you need to go and get some legal advice. You were probably thinking atleast this will mature him. The truth is he doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't have to he has you to parent his child. Its very easy to be the fun disney dad. You sound like your trying to do it all as well as trying to make him grow up which he won't. Such a tricky situation I think it's clear you don't want to be with him but trapped here. Since he is aggressive it's not like you can have an honest conversation about how your feeling and how you could potentially share custody with holidays back and forth? I really hope someone who has been in your boat before comes along. Goodluck OP I hope u get back to those who can support you.

Woollycardi · 27/02/2020 16:20

I don't think you actually need our opinions, and I mean that in a highly complementary way. You sound like you have this sorted. I hope you're using this thread to bash through your (understandably) complex feelings about a situation that clearly isn't black and white but one thing I would just like to underline is that you are minimising what he has done to you and I would seek therapeutic help with that. It is irrelevant how long ago it was or what you name it as, he did strike you, and you're here, years later, trying to tell us that he's an ok bloke and that really, truly you would like him to change. When really, truly, you know that non of us can make that call for you and regardless of how people behave we have to have our own boundaries of behaviour and when some one else crosses that we have to make steps to leave or else we are tortured by the memory of it. I grew up with someone who couldn't leave (different situation) and the murky long term effects of the denial of behaviour and failure to address the truth have been devastating emotionally. Line up your ducks and walk away with your little girl and teach her that it's ok to leave a relationship when someone has crossed a line. I wish my mum had.

TenCornMaidens · 27/02/2020 16:24

I agree about getting legal advice. But also he may be amenable to moving countries if you spin it as economically necessary.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

Original poster

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 16:29

Wereeaglesdare, Woollycardi thank you so much for your honest, open-minded and helpful notes. It brought me to tears really. I hate that I am putting my child in this position. It breaks my heart on a frequent basis.
You are right, I need to leave and I need to put my ducks in a row.
Truth is I was hit a lot as a child and so I probably minimise his behavior also because of this.
I have found however some of the previous if harsh messages also helpful. As regardless I know I have to woman up and get my child out of this situation. I will use this thread to bash through my complex feelings. Enough is enough. And actually I thank you all, even the harsher people out there.

OP posts:

Spied · 27/02/2020 16:32

Honestly, I really think he's lying about this 'investigation'.
He would not be 'investigated' for the reasons he's giving you.
I'd be very, very worried about what he's actually done.

Original poster

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 16:34

Yes, I think I am going to go to a lawyer straight away as they will tell me what I should do to prepare for different scenarios. I do hope that he will get this job he has applied for- that is going to be decided this spring and if he does then I do personally think that strategically its better for me to take the fight there as I have such a big support network etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 16:35

Believe me, Spied, this is certainly on my mind.

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 27/02/2020 16:35

Wow. You are getting a lot of vitriol on here OP. I don't know why people have to verbally attack you like this and be so nasty.... They must be perfect then I guess

But anyway, you need to extract yourself emotionally from his actions.
Just get ahead and work your future that benefits you and your child. Whether here or (eventually) there.

Oh, and as for smoking weed, what a load of cramped attitudes...
It's being legalized in more and more countries/states in US (hardly a pillar of liberalism these days) and millions of people - parents! gasp! - smoke it to relax. There's the medicinal stuff too now.
As long as you have your priorities right. I don't know anyone who smokes who doesn't hold down a job, runs a household, takes care of aging parents etc.
I'm a solo mum who did it all alone, he's an adult now and well-rounded. I guess weed got me through it lol.

beepbeeprichie · 27/02/2020 16:39

OP you have my sympathy. I was you- but I got out before the child. I kept thinking “I love him, I’m kind, we have a nice home, I make a nice life... surely this will equate to being treated well/ with a modicum of decency and respect?” Well. It doesn’t. You can rationalise in your own head, fool yourself that the glass is half full and hope for better but it won’t come. It just won’t. I do believe that people can turn their lives around. However. Not one of the things you have listed (eg the police!!) has made this change in him. Get out now. In a year’s time you will wonder why you waited. I look back on my past life part with amusement and regret. I can’t believe what I let someone else do to me. I’m much happier, calmer and fulfilled now. You will be too.

Woollycardi · 27/02/2020 16:39

Right, gotcha, then your behaviour makes sense. It wasn't ok that you were hit as a child and it isn't ok now either. Does that help? As painful as it is, you being in tears on a daily basis is a constant reminder that this doesn't feel like an environment you want your child to grow up in. So already you are telling us you're a good Mum. Hold on to that and get out. As you heal from this you daughter will too. But not while you are still in it.

Lynda07 · 27/02/2020 16:46

I hope things work out well in the end, Veronica, and soon. In your place I'd want more detail on why your husband is under investigation at school but you will probably find out before long anyway - I hope it isn't anything too alarming.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

Original poster

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 16:49

Thanks all of you. I really appreciate all the comments, your inspiring stories and your support.
This has given me a lot of clarity. It's still a mess but at least my mind has made up so I guess now it's all about putting a good plan in place and follow through. Thanks all of you

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 27/02/2020 17:35

When you say you are an expat - are you really? Is your stay dependent on yours or his job, and is one of you on a spouse visa?

hellcarryingahandbag · 27/02/2020 18:14

it will be near impossible for me to take my child with me without my partners consent due to The Childrens Act
To my understanding, this is at the court's discretion in extreme circumstances, so it may be worth a try. Please do try to be happy in the meantime.

Original poster

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 21:23

Well, I have been in the UK and paid tax for 14 years and have settled status for now- can apply for citizenship in December so I'm good. My partner is British

OP posts:

1WayOrAnother · 27/02/2020 21:32

Just wanted to say good luck OP. Yours is a difficult situation. I am living proof you can come get of this and lead a much more fulfilling and relaxed life where you decide what happens in your own home. He sounds like a liability, good luck with getting your life back under your control.

Original poster

Veronica34 · 27/02/2020 21:37

Thank you so much, 1WayOrAnother🙏🏻 it really helps knowing that people have managed to get out of this before and I am so glad you have a better life now.

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 27/02/2020 21:55

So sorry you're having to deal with all of this, Veronica.

It sounds like you know what needs to be done so that you and your child start to have a peaceful and productive life.

I think some of the replies you've had have been remarkably unhelpful and unkind. Many of us make mistakes. You reached out for help and support - and some people gave you a real pasting. Not helpful.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation to you. It took me a long time and I made quite a few false starts, but I did get free of my ex eventually.

I hope sincerely that you manage to make plans and gradually separate yourself from this very difficult situation.

www.womensaid.org.uk

and all the best to you.

Flip

1 2