DD’s threatening behavior…not sure what other child’s mum expects

[Eastie77]

After dropping DD of at school the mum of one of her classmates (“Jane”) told me that Jane mentioned that she was arguing with DD in the playground and DD said “leave me alone or I’ll beat up your brother”. Jane’s brother is 13 years old and DD, who is 6, has never met him. I was both shocked and upset that she had used threatening language and was immediately apologised.

This is when I became confused. The mum first of all laughed and said “oh don’t worry, it’s just kids messing around”. However as we carried on walking she then grew serious and said “I should let you know though that Jane was upset and scared. She told her brother and he was also really upset and has been asking non-stop why your DD would want to hurt him”. I apologized again profusely and said I would talk to DD seriously that evening and also wanted her to apologize to Jane. The mum then said “No, no apologies, I don’t want Jane to know I’ve told you. She hates it when she thinks she’s got one of her friends in trouble”

By the time we parted ways she had simultaneously repeated that I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it and it’s actually quite funny (“your 6 year old really thinks she can beat up a 13 year old haha”) but also that her son is upset and Jane is fearful. I told her that I would have to speak to DD about it and she said yes BUT repeated that I mustn’t let DD know Jane has complained about her.

I replied that I didn't know how to tell DD off without revealing how I found out and she didn't reply. I therefore suggested that the mum talk to DD’s teacher, tell her exactly what happened, and I would take guidance from her (teacher) on best way to deal with the situation. She looked very unhappy with that suggestion, shrugged and got on the bus.

I’m at a loss?! I'm not always good at reading situations clearly. What does she actually want me to do?? WWYD? DD and Jane appear to get on very well, have a play date every week and ran into school together this morning.

A 13yo boy was upset that a 6yo girl said that? Bollocks. The whole thing is really strange, isn't it?!

Could you just be vague about where you heard it? The old 'a little bird told me' thing?

I would have a general chat about bullying and being kind. What is and isn't acceptable, but without using her words if you see what I mean. Phrase as if she might find herself on the receiving end and what to do and just point out that she must never behave like that towards anyone either.

@DesLynamsMoustache I honesty find it strange that a 13 yr old boy would be upset about a second hand threat from a 6 year old girl he has never met. I assume most teenage boys would laugh at that but thought I'd be flamed for saying so.

Yes, you could say "You must never say you'll beat up someone as they could be frightened" without mentioning specific people

I would not make a big deal out of it. A 6 year old said she would beat up a teenage boy she has never met. I don't think a teacher or anybody else would find this very noteworthy. I'd maybe ask her if everything is going alright at school just to check what the 'leave me alone' at the start of the sentence was about.

I think it's bloody weird too, I think I'd just have a general chat about arguing and not threatening to hurt people.

If indeed she even said it.

Start by asking your daughter what her version is. There may be a different sequence of events.

I would just be honest with your DD. Mine is 7 and couldn't lie to save her life, if yours is similar you'll soon know whether she threatened to beat up Jane's brother or not.
The whole scenario sounds very strange, and by not wanting to either talk to the teacher or for you to ask your daughter outright, I'd find it very difficult to believe what Jane's mum is saying.

I think she's making it up

It does seem a bit weird that a six year old would threaten to beat up a teen. At that age, a teenager would almost seem like an adult.

I’m wondering what sparked her to say this. I think there was more than a simple disagreement. Was she provoked to say something stronger? Not saying she wasn’t in the wrong, but it’s an odd thing to say, especially if she’s usually a quieter type f person.

Maybe the mum is scared of your DD OP and she’s deflecting??????????

As long as your DD isn’t a vicious animal I think a few words about appropriate behaviours, being kind and never result to violence will suffice! Even though I’m sure everyone knows your DD was joking (I hope!)

@Standrewsschool

Very good point.. did the little girl say she would get her older brother to beat up DD and Dd retaliated? I think you need to just ask ‘has anything been happening in the playground DD?’

Most likely Jane threatened your dd with her brother and your dd said she would beat him up lol.

If they have play dates all the time, how come your dd hasn't met the older brother?

As for the 13 yo being scared of a 6 year old girl. God above help us all.

Give this one a wide berth - or believe me you will have years of this fuckery.

Next time a sharp - let's take this into school shall we? So she can expose herself as a loon there.

Limit contact with this woman. It sounds made up, drama llama. Also, next time don’t apologise without checking with your dd.

What a wee wimp the 13 year old must be!
Sorry OP, but your daughter's feistiness has made me chuckle not helpful I know.
Sounds like mum is making a mountain out of a molehill, while being at pains to tell you that it's no big deal Talk about mixed messages!
And how does the ridiculous woman expect you to deal with it, if you can't mention names?!

For godssake - even if she did say it, is it such a big deal?!

Kids say all sorts of stuff, it's not some kind of UNKIND claxon.

I think the mum is barking mad, can't picture any six year old coming out with that. I'd speak to her teacher though as this mum may have history of wildly exaggerated stories.

Id be wanting to know what was said just before DD allegedly declared she would beat up this teenage boy. What was she responding to?

If also question if she actually said it, and if she knows what the phrase means.

When Ds2 was 13 he was taller than me, I'm 5'4". He was in size 8 shoes to give you an idea of the size of teenagers. He would piss himself laughing at the idea of a 6 year old beating him up.

It is a weird conversation and one that should have been reported to a teacher in case there is more going on. If a child is behaving inappropriately, by threatening people, then this needs to be addressed in school, by school as it took place on school property. This isn't about getting another child into trouble, this is about adults teaching children how to behave.

Children fall out and are friends again after playtime. It is what they do. I volunteer in a primary school.

Most likely Jane threatened your dd with her brother and your dd said she would beat him up

That's what I would assume. Jane may well be quite a piece of work: and her mother is clearly a loon of the first water, as well as probably a liar (13yo being 'upset' by this? Really?)

I'd be hoping my dd would make other friends and distance herself from Jane.

How frustrating OP.
Generally I'm of the view if you want something to happen then raise it, if you don't then keep your mouth shut.

I'm not sure what Jane's mum was hoping to gain from this, and I'm not convinced a teenage boy would be fearful of a young girl.

I think you've done the right thing by suggesting Jane's mum speaks to school if it's happening in school. I'd be very surprised if it's as simple as Jane has made out and her mum wounds like a drama llama.

When did you first find out about the argument between DD and Jane? Was it before or after you spoke to the mum?
This sounds bonkers, and tbh I don’t think it’s true but what reasons the mum has to say this is beyond me. I would speak to your DD. I would also speak to teacher and ask if they could keep an eye on DD and Jane.
And as for the mum avoid, avoid, avoid.