My child has been dropped- how to help them cope?

[Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes]

My son has been dropped from a prestigious sports squad. He’s not out of the squad completely just dropped for the next game. He’s the only one from the usual squad to be dropped.
Now this is not a grand thing in the scheme of life and I know this is part of resilience building BUT he will BW gutted. I know it will hugely affect his self esteem and confidence. To be honest I’m gutted for him.
Has anyone had similar experiences, is there are good way to help him (and ad ridiculous as it’s sounds, me) cope with this?

@reefedsail

“ This is his inoculation against being a snowflake- embrace it”

One of the best bits of advice on mn ever”

David Beckham signed for Manchester United at age 14

That's my point there is a lot of difference between 12 and 14. Both in terms of sporting development but also physical. You cannot predict what a boy of 12 will look like at 14.

That's my point there is a lot of difference between 12 and 14. Both in terms of sporting development but also physical. You cannot predict what a boy of 12 will look like at 14.

I was going to say something similar. DH went to an Australian swimming lecture and training session with one of my DDs. Most elite swimmers declare themselves at 14-15, only 10% of swimmers are at national level all the way through. I’m sure this isn’t just unique to swimming. Growth and age of puberty are big factors and performance also can drop around this time as children adjust new limb length.

I’d give it a few years at least before thinking along the line of “elite” and “prestigious” as a drop in performance from now is likely not in his control. Keep it fun.

My DS plays tennis - not at a crazy high level, but still pretty competitively (he’s 9). It’s a very mental game and losing is very much part of that (and no team to fall back on either).
We have worked loads on mental strength and working through what went wrong and have a few things that we always say;

1. You learn more from losing than from winning. What did the other person do better than you? What can you learn from them and use next time?

1. Just because you are working and training hard, so is everyone else - you can’t expect to always win because everyone wants to win every time.

We even have him keep a game journal where he writes down what he did well and what he needs to work on to try to get him to look at the game objectively and critically.

Doesn’t always work and tennis seems to attract very single minded people who have winning as their only goal but learning to lose (or be left off a team) is just part of competitive sport.

Thanks for all the replies, I took them on board and we’ve kept it low key. However he’s been dropped AGAIN, there’s been no training so he hasn’t had a chance to prove himself before the next match. God help me but I’ve emailed the coaches asking if there’s anything specific he can work on to improve his chances. I shouldn’t have done that should I? Having regret now .
I know most parents think there kids are better than they are but objectively he seems to be a better player than many of those picked, could this be about attitude? He wants to give up now, I don’t know what’s best?

Bumping to see if anyone has any further wise words!

I think you did the right thing. There’s no harm in asking a coach what DS can do! How can he get better if he doesn’t know what to work on?

It’s just gutting. And I don’t have any advice, really other than to keep doing what you’re doing.

If it keeps happening though, and his confidence keeps taking a battering, would it be worth considering another club?

That's gutting OP-really feel for your DS.
In my DS sport sometimes the way the team worked together was more important than an individual players skills-

so in other words does the other boy fit in to the slot better? does he make the team work more smoothly/link up better? Not saying he does of course but something to consider if your DS is a better player?

Well you've emailed the coach now so see if/what he replies.
Maybe he will have an insight that will help. I'd encourage your son to stick it out -for now- as quitting won't get him his spot back. I would encourage resilience for now and see-but that is somewhat dependant on the coaches reply.

Also team selection is subjective and can feel terribly unfair but so is life. I am a big fan of sports highs and lows and how you deal with each helps prepare you for what is ahead.

Good luck and let us know how he gets on.

I know it's a different sport but a big part of my sons sport (swimming) is mental resilience, if a child wanted to quit after not being selected for 2 events the coaches would be very concerned about their mental resilience. There are lots of you tube videos of athletes from various sports speaking about mental resilience it might be an idea for your DS to watch a few to understand every sport has its ups and downs especially at a high level. If he wants to guarantee his place in the team he might want to drop down a level if he wants to continue at a high level he has to appreciate the competition is stiff.

God help me but I’ve emailed the coaches asking if there’s anything specific he can work on to improve his chances. I shouldn’t have done that should I? Having regret now.

I would have too.

Since your first post my DD who swims, who is a similar age to your son, didn’t get into the next level of swimming competition that she’d expected to. She made the cut-off times easily and was pretty upset. She asked her coach and he showed her where she’d come overall in the meet, explained that they only took the top 5 per stroke and showed her how close she was. There were some very fast, national level girls swimming. He’s very matter-of-fact and she responds well to that. She was fine after that, resolved to train consistently this year and it hasn’t dented her enthusiasm.

I think it’s reasonable to know why, this is presumably important to your DS and while being dropped may be what happened with the sport but being dropped without any explanation seems harsh.

Thanks, I suspect it’s me who is more upset about this. I think it’s the lack of feedback as to why, there’s simply a team emailed out, without his name on it.
There are two coaches, he says each tells him to do something different and then when he does it the other coach gets annoyed at him. I don’t think the coaches realise they are giving him conflicting instructions. He doesn’t feel able to talk to them about this, it’s a very strict environment and they aren’t overly approachable. Hopefully I may get something Useful if they respond to my email, I’m just worried I look like one of ‘those’ parents.

@nolongersurprised it sounds like the feedback was very helpful for your dd, hopefully we might get some.

I emailed the coaches too!! It's so hard.

@nolongersurprised it sounds like the feedback was very helpful for your dd, hopefully we might get some.

It’s the injustice they feel, I think! So being told that yes, she was technically fast enough, but this year they took fewer people and there were some really fast girls was enough. She knows that her actual progress over time is going pretty well. The girls beating her are training a lot more than her (too much for 11-12 year old girls, I think) but she’s decided to step it a up a bit, I won’t let her do too much.

I actually don’t think children of that age need to be or expect to be the best, but they do expect things to be fair. If your DS gets an explanation for being dropped that makes sense to him (and you) then it won’t feel like a free-falling mess of unfairness and he can make sensible decisions or resolutions about what to do next.

@hopeishere did you get a response? I’m not sure it was the right thing to do, although I thanked them for their hard work and asked if there was anything he could work on specifically to improve his chances for selection.

Yes I did. They were encouraging but probably didn't actually have a clue who he was!!

I'm considering suggesting he change to another sport. He's not (and never will) got the build for rugby.

There are two coaches, he says each tells him to do something different and then when he does it the other coach gets annoyed at him. I don’t think the coaches realise they are giving him conflicting instructions. He doesn’t feel able to talk to them about this, it’s a very strict environment and they aren’t overly approachable.

Does your son even enjoy it?

Our house mantra “if you’ve never failed, then you’ve not been trying hard enough”.

@nolongersurprised yes he loves it

He hasn’t been picked because he isn’t as good as the rest. So if he’s disappointed he has to work harder

@grumpyhoonMain yes I realise that, I really wanted to chat about how disappointing it is to effectively be told that and strategies to handle it and improve resilience. This is naturally hard for an 11 year old to deal with and I want to get it as right as I can.

I think offering extra coaching if he wants to make it on the team might be a good idea

He hasn’t been picked because he isn’t as good as the rest. So if he’s disappointed he has to work harder

That's not necessarily true.

He may not have been picked because they want to give someone else a chance, because there is a reason why his style doesn't fit as well against the teams they're playing, because they've decided they will all have 2 matches off in a row during the season...

And unfortunately it isn't necessarily a case of working harder and he'll be picked. I could work as hard as you want at sprinting and I would never have made the school team let alone been Olympic level.

I agree with Witchend, it definitely isnt always how hard you work. My DS plays cricket at a relatively high level, not quite county but I know some of the county boys and they definitely don't work as hard, most only attend the training sessions with mo additional training in between, a lot of club and district players do a lot more training, they just dont have the natural talent of some. Obviously that isnt always the case and with cricket quite often players dont blossom till much older than with some other sports.

I work with County level coaches and they say they think parents should always email to ask what their kids can do to improve or to make the squad the next time. What they hate is parents questioning why they didnt get it or commenting on how much better they are than X which got in.

I am not sure how prestigious the sport can be at 11 and like others have said so much changes, my DS is unrecognisable in many ways from 2 years ago as has gone through puberty. Definitely keep it all as low key as possible but I am like you and I definitely worry more than the DCs do.

If he is not being picked for this team, is it worth looking around for a different team? It’s coming to the end if the season for many sports, and people do move around.

I don’t think you did anything wrong in contacting the team. It will show how keen he is to do well.

Have you spoken to the coaches about the conflicting advice?