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My child has been dropped- how to help them cope?

76 replies

Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes · 22/02/2020 12:43

My son has been dropped from a prestigious sports squad. He’s not out of the squad completely just dropped for the next game. He’s the only one from the usual squad to be dropped.
Now this is not a grand thing in the scheme of life and I know this is part of resilience building BUT he will BW gutted. I know it will hugely affect his self esteem and confidence. To be honest I’m gutted for him.
Has anyone had similar experiences, is there are good way to help him (and ad ridiculous as it’s sounds, me) cope with this?

OP posts:
Letsnotusemyname · 22/02/2020 15:03

One of my nephews found this. Not quite the same - but deflating never the less.

He's been a county level runner for some years now.

He'd be top of his group when under 12.

Gets to 12+ and he's then in the under 14 grouping and running against bigger lads and way down the ranking.
Get towards 14 and he’s at the top again. 14+ and he's now in under 16s and way down on times again.

He’s 18 now and puberty/development is having a less dramatic effect on both his growth and that of his peers.

He also had set backs with injuries that took tome to sort out.

Now at national level.

Tell him to stick at it - others will drop out, his development will kick in.

All the best.

Standrewsschool · 22/02/2020 15:13

The coach can’t take everyone to play the match, so I’m sure other players have been dropped for other matches, and it's only for one match.

Maybe the coach is trying out new players, or new formations. Maybe parents of other players have had conversations with the coach about what their dc can do to improve their position in the team, and hardworking by these players have been rewarded with a team place. Maybe the coach has simply picked the best team for the next match, and for whatever reason, there are more suitable players when regarding the next opposition.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 22/02/2020 15:20

You're absolutely bound to be gutted for him but I would definitely try to model resilience. Acknowledge his disappointment but for your own part treat it like the minor set back it is.

I don't think you necessarily should channel the disappointment into renewed efforts (unless lack of effort was the cause of him being dropped).

I would just treat it like one of many knock backs he'll face in life and make the aim handling it well rather than just getting picked next time. Handling it well doesn't mean trying to repress all negative feelings but learning to acknowledge those feelings, put up with them and move on without dwelling.

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PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 22/02/2020 15:23

@Standrewsschool

I don't think OP was questioning the coach's decision, I think she just wants advice about how to help her son deal with it. Rejection is hard for everyone - even if you know you were rejected in favour of a stronger person (in whatever field). It's particularly hard when you're young and coping with it for the first time.

Timeforchachachanges · 22/02/2020 15:26

Does he know the Michael Jordan quote? That’s has helped our three very competitive children whenever they’ve had setbacks...in case you haven’t I’ve copied it from google for you 😁
"(I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed). I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” The last two sentences really resonate with us. It was on a wall of a sports centre where they trained when they were young and we’ve always reiterated it and thankfully it has taught them strength and resilience. Hope he isn’t too upset. It isn’t nice.

MitziK · 22/02/2020 15:32

Sometimes it is the attitude that leads to being dropped - I've seen that where somebody is undoubtedly talented, but they only do what they want to do, don't support other players, get involved in excluding or making nasty comments to others, aren't polite to helpers, that kind of thing.

And not all coaches fancy telling upset Mums 'Yes, your kid is great at x sport, but they're an irritating, lazy git who frequently tells others that they're never going to be as good as he is or points out x has cheaper shoes on, so I'd rather risk losing than reward him with utter confidence that he'll always be picked.

Other times, it's to try out new combinations - such as 'next week's team have a lot of much taller attackers. I think we'll try using A who is tall or B who is small, fast and good on the ground'.

Or even 'X gives the impression of taking rejection hard and gives up when something isn't easy first time. They're good, but they need to learn to deal with it. I'll do it this time to give them the chance to step up/handle it before Y game'.

Not pleasant, whatever the reason. But he'd probably benefit from asking what he needs to work and improve on - and do it.

Bunnybigears · 22/02/2020 15:34

I can assure you most if not all high level sports men and women have at some point been left out of a team, missed a match due to holiday or illness, failed to qualify for an event, choked and messed up at some crucial thing during an event. Its life it happens and you just pick yourself up, dust yourself down and carry on.

BellaVida · 22/02/2020 15:42

What we tell our DC is that progress Is never linear in sport or anything else and in order to improve you have to sometimes fail and then learn from it. It’s more about having the right mindset, attitude and determination than anything else.

OhCaptain · 22/02/2020 15:46

It’s fine teaching him resilience but it’s ok for him to feel sad and disappointed, too.

I’d acknowledge that it’s a bit shit but remind him that these things happen and he won’t always be picked then encourage him to remember how much he enjoys it and to focus on next time!

CertieCumboyle · 22/02/2020 15:47

Never mind, there's always next time

This is the perfect response, both in word and in spirit.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 22/02/2020 15:52

I was just coming on to echo some of the previous posters-

My DS completed in sport at a very high level as a schoolboy-
I think talent is important but most coaches we were exposed to would say attitude and coachability vital.

Be first at training, do what is asked of you, be a good team player-sometimes how players mesh and blend tips one ahead of another.

And I def do not think you should get involved in discussing it with the coach but your DS could, in the right moment, ask what he should be working on/improve to earn his spot back.

Sport by it's very nature is competitive.
Someone will always lose out in selection.

Good life lessons to be learned about what to do when you get knocked back etc.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 22/02/2020 16:01

I notice that at the start you refer to a 'prestigious' sports squad but that your DS is only 12 years old.

It seems young, but elite sports careers DO start this young.

David Beckham signed for Manchester United at age 14

Andy Murray was spending term time training at an elite tennis academy in Spain at the same age.

Sport is a career in which you start young and retire by 30ish.

Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes · 22/02/2020 16:02

These messages have been so very helpful. I’m self aware enough to realise I’m taking it harder than he is! It’s not nice to hear you or your child isn’t good enough. He will not be going to the missed game (they take only the picked kids as it’s far away) so we will have a nice day put as we have to keep the day clear in advance in case of selection.
I also think the point about not excluding other interests So the child feels that sport is the only thing they are recognised for is a very good one I’ve taken on board.

OP posts:
AtomicRabbit · 22/02/2020 16:03

Just remember to tell him no matter what happens, he's still loved, adored and has value in this world.

Being good at sport can be healthy for your self-esteem. It can also be detrimental when things don't go your way.

Don't always look for external validation to feel good, to feel you have a place in this world. Do sport to be healthy, to have fun, to push yourself to your own limits - but don't do it to 'make the A team'.

There will always be someone better than you and if you use everyone else'e yardstick as a measurement against your own success it's a battle that can never be won. There are very few elite players that make the very top grade. Moving in and out of squads is a mental test as much as a physical one. Imagine how it felt for Becks when he was hated by the UK for missing a goal or something? I can't remember the exact situation but mental resilience is important. In the end he came back stronger, scored loads of goals and was championed as a hero for quite some time.

He's only 12. Understanding there will be others who are better than us is a life-long lesson. We can still try to be the best we can be, regardless of what else is going on. And to also remember that no matter what happens, we are worthy of love. Our success does not equal our happiness - or rather it should not.

Some of the most competitive sports people say they were miserable at the highest pinnacle of their success. Remember, the internal mind is as important as the external facade.

FraglesRock · 22/02/2020 16:05

Are there professionals in the sport who weren't picked but went on to success

freelancedolly · 22/02/2020 16:09

I think this is such a hard thing, I've been going through similar with my DD - but I know it is crucial I try hard to instil the belief that you have to keep trying. My DD tends to want to give up if she is not captain of the A team at all times (Hmm) and I've been trying to explain that even the very best people need to work hard at stuff - you don't get to be the best by giving up, or not putting the work in. She doesn't tend to want to do the 'extra', but wants to be the best. Lots of life lessons!

reefedsail · 22/02/2020 16:44

OP, this is exactly why we put our kids into competitive situations. Imagine if he got into the workplace and had never experienced failure and worked out how to bounce back from it before? If your DS was always successful he would be learning diddly-squat that was actually useful in real life.

This is his inoculation against being a snowflake- embrace it. Be grateful for the opportunity he is having in a safe environment to learn that success and failure are both just aspects of long term development. Be proud of yourself as a parent that you've put him in a position to have this learning experience!

Ohyesiam · 22/02/2020 16:49

He will cope with it better if you know in your heart of hearts that he will be ok, but are still able to be understanding with him.
It’s really important that children learn about disappointment with things that ( ultimately) don’t matter. If that muscle gets exercised he will have a better chance of a happy adult life, including happy relationships. So think of it as banking future happiness.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/02/2020 16:57

Been there with ds and football, we've had the crying, the punching of walls (which he only did once after he realised it bloody hurt!). He played for the same team for 8 years, they won the U15s league one year and they were all elated. Everything was about football and the boys from the club.

The following year a couple of good teams in the league folded and some of the boys came and joined his team. More boys in the team meant some of the original boys that won the league, started getting subbed including ds. He tried his best to get back into playing fulltime but unfortunately some of the new boys in his positions were just naturally more talented and stronger than him (some of these boys were much more developed/one even had a beard!!) and he had no chance.

Yes, encourage your ds to try harder, encourage him to find out from his coach why he has suddenly been subbed when it hasn't happened before and what he needs to do to lift his game. But, you need to keep in contact with the coach too to see what his plans are, if your ds continues to be subbed it will chip aware at his confidence and self esteem and it will be better to encourage him to play elsewhere where his skill level is more suited. I wish I had done that with ds.

Also agree with a pp who said make sure his life and friends are not all around the sport/his team. ds eventually left, and it took a while to build his confidence up again. He had to develop a new set of friends. Competitive sport can be great, but once you get older and it becomes more serious it is only great for those that are at the top of their game - those that work hard AND have natural ability, the rest, the coaches don't give a shit about and are discarded.

newname12 · 22/02/2020 17:12

It does annoy me sometimes that many coaches, especially at elite level, often give no thought to the mental wellbeing of the athlete. Especially the young ones, It doesn't foster resilience just dropping them, and an explanation of why will help them understand it isn't because the are crap/the coach doesn't like them (which is where their minds tend to go), and also help them change things to improve and make the squad next time.

Mine is 15 and they drop them from squad all the time without even the courtesy of letting them know. They find out when they don't get the letter about the squad training/comp.

Anyway our major point with ours has been to tell them that of course we are proud of their achievements, but what really impresses and makes us really proud is when they come back after the disappointments. It's easy when you're winning or getting selected, but it's something else to get up and go training again and again when things are hard- when you've had a crap competition, done badly, can't get that new skill. That happens. A lot. And I am just as proud when they go back the next day, or get that skill they were struggling with, as I am when they're stood on top of the podium.

NotALurker2 · 22/02/2020 17:13

There are LOTS of stories about athletes (and people in other professions, too) that have failed miserably and not given up and gone on to succeed in the future. Look some up and discuss them with your DS. There are likely plenty of athletes he admires who have stories liek this. This is the norm when there is anything worth doing in life. Not many people go on a straight line from wanting to succeed to success. Good luck.

Yestermost · 22/02/2020 17:18

Ian Wright got rejected about 5 times before being picked for crystal palace. He went on to be Arsenals best scorer for years. (Amazing desert island discs by thw way!). In fact the DIDs a few weeks before of the FA womens director Sue Campbell is good too. Tells how she didn't qualify for something, almost gave up and then went for it and ended up getting an olympic gold (or something...) have a listen

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 22/02/2020 17:33

In both my county and the neighbouring one Premier League clubs trial and reject boys as young as six. Now that's a bit much really.

Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes · 22/02/2020 17:33

@yestermost that sounds really useful, we will listen, thanks!

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 22/02/2020 18:32

Of course you feel dreadful for him OP but try to look on it as an opportunity. I would say learning how to deal with rejection and disappointment effectively is a life skill. I doubt any-one goes through life without experiencing it.

If your DS learns now, he will be better equipped for adult life.

I hope he is back in the team very soon.

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