Overheard my DS on the phone. I feel sick.

[NameChangeCentral]

I've just been having a lie down in my room with a headache. 14yo (nearly 15yo) DS1 is on his phone to a friend.
I have picked up from the conversation the following -
"But she's only 12. She told me on snapchat she was 15. She asked me out and we were going to, but I backed out at the last minute. Shes blocked me now so I cant screenshot the messages. She lied and now I'm being called a paedo for something I didn't know. I asked her before how old she was - she had told me shes 15 and doing exams.
Her pals have told my pals I'm a paedo. I'm fuming..."

For purposes of full disclosure and not drip feeding, he has aspergers. I have no clue if his literal/straight to the point way of dealing with this is relevant or not, as I haven't spoken with him yet.
I believe totally what hes saying, ie he asked her age etc.
But any advice about how to deal with this before I vomit?

Even if the nine year old took the pictures of themselves, it’s still a crime because of what it’s become.

Toestubber

No it wasn’t a punishment - it’s acting like a responsible parent and taking action to physically stop my 14 yr old seeing the nasty things some evil little cows were saying about her. A teenager finds it very hard to find the willpower to just stop looking at snapchat etc. She had the phone back after a few days when it had died down - she knew our reasons for doing it. She was crying hysterically whilst reading messages - no way was I going to let her keep hold of the phone!

I work with teenagers. Paedo and nonce are used regularly as terms of abuse. If a Y9 goes out with a Y7 he gets called a paedo.

They also think it is funny to give their name as Jimmy Savile or Gary Glitter.

I do a blank face and ask why it is funny. If they are daft enough to try and explain, I say I don't get it. How could that be funny? Shuts most of them up

I'm just reading through the replies. But @nowlook I dont understand what your post means?

And @february08baby they've never met, just chatted on snapchat. But I'm confused at your post - he didnt behave in any way to a 12yr old girl, as she told him she was 15?

@AnneOfTeenFables ummmm. No. The original post was literally while I was listening to the call. I then updated that he was now on the phone to another friend and heard that people have posted online about it. Not really sure what made you think that 10 mins was all it took for the entire story to happen? 🙄

And @Bluntness100 maybe downplaying it and taking the Mickey made you feel a little better, but I came on here to try to decide how to deal with it and make sure I didnt handle it badly with him. Sorry if that was too dramatic for you.

And in any case, it turns out there's a different/mainly unrelated story here that we've uncovered and is very concerning. So anyone who thought I was overreacting may take it as a lesson that a parent's gut is usually spot on.

Thanks so much to all of you who gave advice, it's very much appreciated. Chat number 2 is starting soon, hopefully it doesnt bring up anything else thats new.
I do actually feel sick this time. Accuse me of needing to grow up if you like 🤷‍♀️

@YoureAllABunchOfBastards I do not understand that age at all. I never thought this through before having kids, that they'd be this age one day 😅

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

That’s completely fair enough. You know your daughter better than I would do if you judged it as needed that’s okay. I’m not at that stage yet anyway so will admit I’m clueless.

Kids always throw insults they don't understand about OP and I think it wise for an adult to step in and say something, even if it's with a dictionary extract of the word paedo - they have no right or reason (as he didn't meet the girl) to be labelling him and harrassing him in this way. Lastly, the silly little girl needs a word with - well, her parents need to be told about this - she is being awful and could be damaging a lot of kids' reputations here - she is also a liar and should not be telling anyone she's older than she is at 12! They are all minors and this needs to be dealt with imo.

Your son has done nothing wrong, he never even met the girl - thank goodness for that! This experience has been sobering for him, he'll be far more cautious from now on. It is quite likely one or more of his friends will go through the same, may have already.

Tell him to be cool and nonchalant at school - if he can. People with Asperger's often study and learn how other people behave so it might work, you could do a bit of play acting with him.

Just keep in mind that he has done nothing wrong and actually his instincts were right, he bottled out of meeting her. He probably now has the horrors imagining how it might have been had they met -- understandable - but the anxiety about it will fade. Anyway (point this out to him please), he may well not have liked her if had met her, he could have felt uneasy. That wouldn't surprise me as his instincts are good.

Best of all to you and son,

he didnt behave in any way to a 12yr old girl, as she told him she was 15?

I'm not sure you understand - not knowing someone is 12 is no defence if something inappropriate did happen, such as exchanging photos or videos. You need to establish exactly what communication they had.

Kids of 14 should not be having conversations like that. Is the girl calling him a paedo simply for asking out a 12 year old or did more go on? if the latter, then that could be more serious for son, whether he knew or not.

I speak from experience OP, my DD who is 12 was getting inappropriate messages from an older boy (she did not initiate anything or respond, the messages were all uninvited). We got the police involved and they didn't accept his excuse that he didn't know her age.

The girl in your case may have started it, or that may be what your son is saying, but either way if there was anything inappropriate said or shared, she could speak to her parents, who could take the action I did.

You really don't seem to see the problem and that's concerning. You need to look at your parenting.

Literally no 12 year old looks 15.
I’d say a year 10 boy meeting a year 7 girls IS a big deal

When I was at school everyone used to lie about their age! Honestly, it's no big deal at this age. However, you do need to warn him about ensuring that girls are truthful once he's over the age of consent. A 17 or 18 year old who dated someone under 16 could find themselves in hot water. I would talk to him gently about this and also about how to handle online bullies etc.

@ToeStubber did you really say that an under 18 can’t be a paedophile? Are you being wilfully ignorant or just downright stupid. I just don’t believe anyone can actually be that naive.

This us the downside of teenagers talking about their every feeling. They have lots of them and few make any rational sense.
Just be there if they need you.
According to some political parties he’ll be able to vote in a year or so. So be grateful they are the voice of the generation.

I work in the NHS and attended a safeguarding/ harmful sexual behaviours seminar last week. I would agree that the fact that they are both under 16 is crucial here. I doubt the police would press charges, even if say the girl’s parents found out and complained.
It might be a good opportunity to have a chat with him about the way he relates to girls, Aspergers or no Aspergers. If anyone pushes this and starts giving you grief , act the responsible parent, be humble, say how you’ve learnt from this as a family etc. This is assuming it went no further than flirty talking.

My daughter is 12, and knows not to throw certain words around, as they can cause so much damage, I would have a word with your son explaining that he has done nothing wrong.

Your DS should not be on Snapchat or any other SM without you monitoring closely and constantly. Children with autism or Aspergers have unique issues when it comes to SM.
www.ucl.ac.uk/grand-challenges/sites/grand-challenges/files/rough_guide_to_social_media_use.pdf

Talk to his school about this incident. Speak with the safeguarding officer.

Hope you are ok OP.

@overnightangel I'd beg to differ. I know plenty 13 year olds who easily look like they're 16/17, especially in photos when they're all done up & posing.

@4forkssake where do I mention 13 year olds looking older? 🤦🏻‍♀️

If he backed out and didn't take it further you are seriously overreacting and should be proud that he is being careful. Calm down and have a chat with him to clarify what is happening .

NameChanged, I reiterate, your son has done nothing wrong. He wouldn't have been doing anything wrong had he met her, walked along the road, maybe went into a cafe, talked and parted. Just two kids having a chat. However he did nothing like that, all that happened was they exchanged messages - no mention of dodgy selfies or the like.

What others have said about teenage taunts with sexual overtones is true. My son is forty but I remember his friends calling each other all sorts, I didn't like it but they did it - they don't now.

Build up your boy's confidence and try to explain to him how little playground taunts mean.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Wed 19-Feb-20 20:09:51
What l find strange about all this is why is a 12 year old girl behaving like this?
...

There was no social media when I was 12 but had there been, I would have got up to all sorts even to the point of scaring myself. At 13 I blossomed and certainly would have been attracted to the danger (though wouldn't have believed anything bad would happen to me), and the sheer 'naughtiness' and clandestine nature of it. I'm glad there was no social media then, I was naughty enough without that.

I'm off to bed. It's been a shitty night, and as I said earlier, there's been a lot more to all this than it sounded.

I'm still unsure as to why some people think I was seriously overreacting (given that I came on here to ask how to handle things with him, as I knew I was panicking); yet others say I don't seem to be taking this seriously enough. Mumsnet is an interesting place, for sure.
It's always fascinating how a short summarised post about one situation can lead someone to decide I need to look at my parenting. It is very hurtful to read comments like that, regardless of anonymity etc. I just dont understand what is supposed to be helpful about a comment like that.

Bluerussian cross posted. Thank you. I'll try to comment further in the morning 💕

@DowntownAbby

Yes?

Teachers and parents are behind the curve of social media, and if most people are honest they should be when you consider your own youth,.