Difficult mother but amazing grandmother?

[babychange12]

My mum when I was growing up wasn't really nice to us, she used to shout at us a lot, slapped me and hit me a lot up to about 13 when I finally snapped and told her to stop or I will hit her back, never hugged me or told me she loved me, and would scream at us for small things. I had a very challenging time during my teenage years because I generally just found it horrible being at home and I self harmed, was suicidal and had an eating disorder.

Fast forward 15 years, I now have a 3 year old DS, and my mum is the loveliest grandmother to him ever. Lots of hugs, I love yous, so caring, never raising her voice etc.

I'm finding it really hard to reconcile this to my memory of her whilst growing up. I find it hard to let her spend a lot of time with him because she was abusive to me while I was growing up, but she is genuinely just really nice to him.

I guess she was quite stressed while we were growing up, as she worked full time and my dad never did anything at home so she had to do everything. And I remember when she was going through menopause, that was a truly horrific time for us all. I couldn't wait to leave home.

I am so conscious of this and never ever raise my voice to DS, and have definitely never smacked him, and never will.

I could have written your post except my DM couldn't be bothered to work and did nothing around the house resulting me in living at my grandparents most of the time.

She is a very loving grandparent to my DS though. I think she knows she fucked up with me and over compensates to be honest.

I know she would never hurt my DS so I just kind of bite my tongue for the sake of their relationship.

I’m sorry you went through that, I can see why you find it difficult and confusing.

@SuperPixie247 isn't it strange? It's like 2 different people. Sometimes I wonder whether I made it up or maybe I remembered wrongly

@AnneTwackie thank you, it is very confusing

I could have written your post OP, particularly the bit about being unable to reconcile the two women she is.

I've rationalised it as a change in times and attitudes, poverty, a reasonable amount of DA within my parents relationship and the fact that DM is not well educated or empowered to believe she could have made a difference to her life (and that of her DC)

I sometimes want to bring it up as she seems oblivious to the past, but realistically I don't know how it would help. I can't see the point of upsetting her and raking over her mistakes for my own gratification (it's not like anything would change after all) I will occasionally mildly mention that I don't remember a certain point she is making in relation to our wonderful childhood.

As a DGM she is exemplary, and now she is widowed DS is her world. I accept her life wasn't easy, but the plus side is my relationship with DS is a million miles apart from mine with her and I've consciously avoided doing so many things that she did.

You didn't make it up or remember it wrongly, babychange. There's too much detail even in your opening post for that possibility. In any case, the childhood you are describing could be a snapshot of mine. My mother behaved in much the same way. I'm sorry. That's a huge burden you are carrying. No wonder you find her current behaviour confusing.

What I'm going to say next will be hard to hear, and I'm truly sorry for that, but it's based on my own experience and it's something I urge you to bear in mind.

People with my mother and yours are emotionally very damaged. The theory is that their emotional maturity is that of a six year old which is why they relate well to young children but not to older children. Older children have their own thoughts, their own likes and dislikes and opinions. Older children are not as gullible. Adult children even less so.

I'm guessing that your mother's actions towards you in your childhood began to escalate as you got older and started having a mind of your own. I'm guessing that even now, you and she have a fractured relationship that causes you stress and anxiety but you are putting that to one side in the hope that your DS might have the benefit of a loving grandmother.

And he will. For now. When he is a little older, will it still be the case?

I hope I am wrong. Truly I do. But I think you need to ask yourself the question and above all, be vigilant. Bad mothers do not, as a rule, make good grandmothers. Sorry.

Same here. My Mum was not a very pleasant Mother at all. She hit me, shouted quite frequently and blamed me for my younger brother’s poor behaviour. She also turned a blind eye to my step dad’s physical and emotional abuse for years which I never fully forgave her for. Weekends were spent at the pub or at her friend’s house getting drunk, I used to beg to go home at midnight or later but was ignored. I had a pretty awful childhood tbh, we rarely went anywhere fun or interesting.

Fast forward to now and she totally dotes on my DC. They have their own bedroom at hers, she loves taking them all over and they think she’s great. I bite my tongue because I realise it’s nice for them to have a good relationship with their Grandma, just a shame I didn’t have the same with her really.

My mother has always been very nice but she has got a real mean streak and I remember numerous occasions as a child racing away to lock myself in the bathroom so she couldn’t hit me as well as awful comments/ignoring me for lengthy periods. She is lovely to my children though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Similar here too. My mother had no interest in being a mother, hadn't wanted a child and spent my entire childhood telling me that I was the most awful child, that she could do nothing with me and that the fault was entirely mine. She admitted openly that she didn't like babies or children.

However, as soon as DD was born, she adored her. I think it shocked her - she said she'd never liked children yet absolutely loved DD to pieces. They had a wonderfully close relationship and my relationship with her improved as a result.

I can't comment really on whether my mother would have become more difficult when DD became a teenager, because she got dementia. But with me, there was no real difference between me being a small child and a bolshy teenager - she had no interest or time for me at either end of the spectrum, whereas I'm fairly sure that if my mother hadn't got dementia, that she would still have adored DD just as much as she got older.

Same here, but without physical violence. My kids think she is amazing, she thinks that by extension of this our relationship is great. It isn't and I struggle to know how to communicate that with her. I am carefully putting down my own boundaries but it is very difficult. She thinks she was a wonderful Mum and also that she is a wonderful Grandmother. She doesn't understand how fractured the actions of her and my Dad have made our family. My mental health is a shit show now. Protect your own children and trust your own experience.

When I had my own kids I didn't realise that saying I love you on a daily basis and telling them how amazing they are can just be part of our normal daily routine. They taught me that. They taught me to never expect compassion or kindness.

I could have written this and many of the responses. Sometimes I think mine realises how much damage she did with me, and sees my DD as her second chance. Before DD (2 years) was born, I mostly managed to put my anger and bad feelings about my childhood to the back of my mind and forget about what happened, for the sake of a happy life. It is becoming increasingly difficult to do that since DD arrived. Now that I am a mother, I just cannot comprehend how someone could treat their child as my parents treated me. It's utterly heartbreaking. Mine used to cuddle me a lot and tell me that she loved me, and even now I still think she does love me in her own way. I guess she has her own serious issues. But how come she is able to put that aside to be so nice to my DD, but not for me?

People are so often far better with grandchildren than they were wth their children and I think it's as if they are given a second chance.

The ultimate responsibility for a child belongs to the parents so there is (generally) less pressure on grandparents. They were often anxious, stressed out when they had children at home. Plenty of people have difficult memories of their childhoods because of mum, dad or both but appreciate how good they are with grands.

There isn't much you can do about it, babychange. I sympathise, my mum was very difficult and I was stressed and depressed, couldn't wait to leave home. She was a smashing grandmother and also got on better with me later. We'd have the occasional row where everything from the fall of man was brought up but, still, we cared for each other and there was mutual support.

We cannot change the past; we can (and do) learn from our parents' mistakes and treat our children better.

I'm sorry you are feeling this, you always will at times but eventually your feeling will be less acute. You are certainly not alone!

My abusive dm started off well as a dgm. Then as dc became more independent she started with the criticism of my parenting. Went nc for 10 years. Had more dc and again I relented and let her see them. Older ones kept their distance as they had been here before..
The criticism started again. Calling dd by another name as she didn't like hers, whispering in corners and asking them to keep secrets from me.
Went nc once and for all over 8 years ago.
Def it now.
Had letters admitting she was a terrible dm, trying to guilt me to see her again. For my own mh it's a no from me.
For heaven's sake no unsupervised contact. If it all goes wrong she could get court ordered against your wishes.

My mum is still very difficult with me, but has an amazing relationship with my children. I understand that it’s because she doesn’t have the day to day pressures of bringing up children; they had significant money and family worries when we were young. It’s not made our relationship easy though, even as adults.

Being a parent is fucking hard! My mum is a better grandparent than she was a parent, more patient and calm. But she doesn’t have the stress now of working full time whilst raising kids and running a home! So she’s bound to find her new role less challenging! I have never met anyone that thinks their parent got everything right... so remember that when your own children tell you that you weren’t as (fill in the blank) with them when they were kids. Because without a doubt they will find faults in what you are doing. Appreciate that your mum has grown and become a better person with time and is now able to be a great influence in your dc’s lives rather than feeling sorry for yourself

Sorry to hear that so many people have the same experience as me, really surprised that it's not just me

Yes, I think not having the stress of a full time job plus living with 2 young, naughty children surely brought out the worst in her, and I bet we really pushed her buttons too

I remember sitting in KFC as a child, and DM asked me to get a straw. I was scared and didn't want to, so she slapped me.

We were also terrified of breaking any plates or cups etc as that would mean getting hit.

I guess I also have to look at it from the lens of 30 years ago, where hitting your children was considered the norm.

I can relate to this a bit. My mum was very loving and a great mother in many ways, but she and my dad had an appalling marriage which they made to attempt to shield us from. She placed a huge emotional burden on me and my sisters by oversharing about her mental health (although I don't think she would recognise the extent of this) which darkened our childhoods we all still carry today.

She adores my DC and cannot cope with seeing them upset in any way over trivial things, which I find incredibly difficult to reconcile with how desperately unhappy our horrible home life made us all, and how she refuses to really acknowledge it even now.

It's ok to feel angry and sad about how you were treated though, that's not the same as feeling sorry for yourself or dwelling in it. That's just acknowledging how it was and why you have conflicted feelings now. I am definitely not saying I'm a perfect parent, but I don't think my kids are growing up in fear of me. And that is more important to me than anything else.

I've seen that with DM too cheese , the idea that DS may be unhappy because he doesn't have x, y or z is unthinkable to her. My grumbling about his hair (he looks like a yak) are shouted down with cries of how nice it is for him to have his own personality and how it's only hair so no big deal - my hair was how she wanted it and no other way, so I looked "ladylike"
I think I do bite my tongue for a quiet life, and would certainly have been less agreeable had she not been tragically and unexpectedly widowed and now alone in life.

Th is is absolutely something which I'm struggling with at the moment. Parts of my childhood were lovely but my mum had a darker side that made life very tense and unpredictable behind closed doors. She could be cold and distant and would say things which really damaged my self-esteem. As a grandparent she is very loving and tactile and fun loving. I find it so odd! I wrestle between not really wanting anything to do with her and seeing how much joy she brings my DCs. Becoming a parent hasn't brought us closer together, as a PP said, having my own children really made me question how you could treat your own child the way she did. I would say that our currently relationship is a bit weird, almost formal. We both know what went on but it's not discussed. We just keep things light and pleasant, but there is no real affection between us and any contact we have always leaves me feeling drained or depressed.

@SingingLily I want to say thank you, because what you said about your mother being emotionally immature and therefore getting on better with small children etc has really struck a cord with me and help me make sense of my relationship with my own mum. I often describe her (not to her face!) as a spoilt brat but I never really connected this with emotional immaturity as such - but thinking back, it was from the age of 6 when things started to deteriorate between us and only got progressively worse as I got older used to question things or fight back. Has got me thinking about whether her attitude to my DC will shift when they get older. Thanks for this insight - it's really helped me.

@fieldofwheat - I have a really similar feeling about mine & my mum's relationship. Hand on heart, I've had a good childhood & was supported & safe but I cannot fathom why my own Mum told me I was naturally unlikeable, a diva & the unbearable guilt she placed on me. She was also a feeder (pack of 9 choc chip shortbreads for breakfast anyone?!) & my weight was out of control by high school. I just can't imagine doing it to my own DC.

She's a great GM. My DC adore her.

@SingingLily - your post was a revelation to me too. It makes so much sense - I have often wondered how the relationship with my children will go once they start voicing their own opinions (and thereby 'hurting her feelings' by not being totally compliant) Thank you.

Hi, fieldofwheat, your relationship with your mother is a perfect description of mine:

We just keep things light and pleasant, but there is no real affection between us and any contact we have always leaves me feeling drained or depressed.

I ring my mother every now and then out of a sense of duty. She talks about the minutiae of her life and I say things like "Really" and "That's interesting" until she runs out of things to say. She never asks me how I am. She never asks me what's happening in my life. I've had a recent bereavement and she doesn't know - if I told her, she'd either say something tactless and insensitive or she would make it all about her. And yes, I'm left feeling drained and depressed after every contact with her, just as you are.

She's always been stuck at toddler stage in terms of emotional development. The point at which most people learn empathy just passes her by. Yet she is the perfect mother - I've lost count of the number of times she's told me so. (And yes, Groggylegs, my mother also said some terrible things to me when I was a child that were total lies but designed to damage my self esteem. I've struggled with that ever since. What kind of mother does that to her own daughter?)

You have my absolute sympathy, as does the OP.

To anyone else on this thread, I make just this one plea. Continue to be vigilant and continue to keep your children safe from your mother's emotional abuse (for that is what it is).

I meant to add, please think about looking at the Stately Homes thread. There are lots of posters on there struggling similarly.

It's perfectly OK to jump straight in - we've all done it on there - and you will be given lots of support and wise advice from those who understand.

Here's the link.

"But we took you to Stately Homes" January 2020 onwards www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

@SingingLily your post really resonated with me

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and I haven't seen my DM in a few months and the first thing she says to me is "wow you're so much bigger this time round"

I also keep it really light and airy with my conversations with her and try not to go into any depth at all. I realise that I really try to limit what I tell her and keep her at a distance

I will join the stately homes thread! Although my parents never took us to stately homes

And thank you everyone for sharing, it's actually quite cathartic talking about it and also reading about your experiences