Difficult mother but amazing grandmother?

[babychange12]

My mum when I was growing up wasn't really nice to us, she used to shout at us a lot, slapped me and hit me a lot up to about 13 when I finally snapped and told her to stop or I will hit her back, never hugged me or told me she loved me, and would scream at us for small things. I had a very challenging time during my teenage years because I generally just found it horrible being at home and I self harmed, was suicidal and had an eating disorder.

Fast forward 15 years, I now have a 3 year old DS, and my mum is the loveliest grandmother to him ever. Lots of hugs, I love yous, so caring, never raising her voice etc.

I'm finding it really hard to reconcile this to my memory of her whilst growing up. I find it hard to let her spend a lot of time with him because she was abusive to me while I was growing up, but she is genuinely just really nice to him.

I guess she was quite stressed while we were growing up, as she worked full time and my dad never did anything at home so she had to do everything. And I remember when she was going through menopause, that was a truly horrific time for us all. I couldn't wait to leave home.

I am so conscious of this and never ever raise my voice to DS, and have definitely never smacked him, and never will.

Thank you for writing this OP - it really resonates with me.
My DM is a lovely GM - but I found life with her v v difficult at times when I was a child / teenager. She has a totally different recollection of it.

My grandfather was my favourite person in the world when I was little, he died when I was 5.

Only when I got older did I find out the terrible truth about what an awful man he was to my Nan, mum and uncles.

He was only ever wonderful with my sister and I.

It’s hard to get your head around it.

Oh Babaychange, this is so familiar. My mother was very damaging when we were growing up and the effects are still felt. But she forged a brilliant and loving relationship with her granddaughter from when she was very small. I remember watching the two of them, thick as thieves, going off on day trips, cooking round at hers, out with the dog, going shopping, had her own bedroom. And my mum was lovely to her, genuinely lovely. And it really fecking hurt and I hated feeling that but it was as hard to watch as it was heart-warming. It was like seeing the mother that we had already lost at that age, seeing what could have been. That said, it didn't last, granddaughter got a bit older, more interested in her mates, teenage years, boys etc and the nastiness crept in, not hugely but it was there in the snide comments and guilt and criticism.

There were a lot of factors which made my mother the person she was when we were growing up, some of which are no longer a part of her life and my mother always seemed to cope better when dealing with just one person whose entire focus was on her. I'd like to say perhaps she's mellowed with age but nothing could be further than the truth based on the last couple of conversations I've had with her! Try and enjoy the fact it's all good where your DS is concerned but never doubt your memory of what you went through.

Being a parent is fucking hard! My mum is a better grandparent than she was a parent, more patient and calm. But she doesn’t have the stress now of working full time whilst raising kids and running a home! So she’s bound to find her new role less challenging! I have never met anyone that thinks their parent got everything right... so remember that when your own children tell you that you weren’t as (fill in the blank) with them when they were kids. Because without a doubt they will find faults in what you are doing. Appreciate that your mum has grown and become a better person with time and is now able to be a great influence in your dc’s lives rather than feeling sorry for yourself

This i get up on well with my mother, we are close and she is a good grandparent (mostly) but she wasn't the best mum in the world and as a grandparent, she makes mistakes. I am not a perfect parent, but I hope that one day my kids will look back and recognise all the good bits and forgive all my many failings.

@Getoffmylilo yes, that's exactly how I feel! It really surprised me and hurt me as well to see the love and warmth that DS gets from DM , which was so lacking in our childhood. She says 'love you' to DS every night, but never said it to us.

It's so interesting that once your DD grew older, the nastiness crept back in. I hope that it doesn't happen with DS, but I will be sure to watch out for it and protect him if it does. Thank you for sharing

@Landlubber2019 I agree, parenting is hard and I accept that all parents make mistakes and lose their cool occasionally.

What I think I'm really struggling with is the fact that I can not imagine treating him the same way DM treated us whilst we were growing up. And she doesn't treat him the way she treated us, nowhere close. There was very little affection, no hugs, lots and lots of shouting, and a lot of hitting/slapping and her favourite was to hit us with a cane on the back of our legs. It's a completely different childhood where my overriding emotion was fear and shame