What’s this thing DH does?!

[Daffodil101]

DH has this pattern of behaviour around food that makes me really fucking annoyed, but I’m not sure how to understand it.

It involves being offered a share of food, repeatedly declining, then asking for it when it’s all gone. I think he does it to make some sort of point, but what’s his point?

He will often do it, for example, if there’s a slightly bigger than usual bag of crisps that I offer to share with him.

At the weekend we were away on a trip with the kids. I bought myself a small bag of sweets in a sweet shop - my favourite sweets, and ones he markedly dislikes. I offered him one, he declined, as I expected he would. The kids had a couple. I finished the bag and he said ‘I’ll have one of those now.’

Why? He doesn’t like them. I think he’s trying to make a point that I’m greedy or something, or to make me feel bad. But he sets me up by declining whatever it is until it’s all gone.

This is in the context of him being very very overweight and never exercising. My weight is in the normal range and I exercise quite a bit, so I really don’t think he’s making a point about my weight or my eating habits.

??

I couldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't call out weird behaviour like that. Ask him - "hey DH that's the third time this week you've refused to take food that's offered then wanted some after it's all gone. What's the deal with that?"

And I'm bloody minded enough to make sure that it's all gone every single time.

I think he absolutely making a point about your weight.
My guess is he really wants to eat whatever it is but is “proving” to you he can resist. But then letting you knowhe really did want them and trying to make you look greedy ( in his head)for eating them.

I’d either always buy a second packet of something secretly so you can whip it out with a flourish when he decides he wants some.
Or positively praise him for resisting. Do you talk about his weight?

I did call him out - I said ‘tough shit, you snooze you lose.’

However I didn’t call him out on the pattern of behaviour because the kids were listening. My daughter said ‘why are you arguing about sweets?’

Sounds like he’s being an arse to be honest! My DH did similar, for example if I bought a packet of 4 crunchies on a Saturday (he doesn’t really like them) I’d offer one, he’d say no, he doesn’t like them. Myself and DC1&2 would have one each, then if I had one on Wednesday he always commented in horror “are the crunchies ALL GONE??!!”
No need for commenting IMO. I started to just comment back to him, like “yes, they are. We had one each at the weekend then I had the last one tonight. You didn’t want one, and anyway, you polished off the entire packet of “X” to yourself!”
He soon stopped doing it!

Why can’t you just talk straight to him ??
Ask him straight or tell him straight
Simple

I would throttle anyone that infuriating. Divorce him at the very least, what the fuck does he think he’s doing???

What would happen if you stopped offering to share things with him?

It sounds as though he’s making sure he is in martyr mode, he would have liked what ever was being offered, but he was too late, poor soul.

He can’t talk about his weight, I can’t mention it because he can’t take any sort of criticism, however well meaning or constructive. If I ever talk about things like that, he tends to act as though he hasn’t heard.

It does worry him, I know that. I also know that he’s constitutionally overweight (his dad and grandad were, too). It’s hard for him to lose weight.

I do think it’s a cheek to point out my ‘greed’ when I actually eat very well (I watch calories) and I’m a ‘normal’ weight.

Makes me think of an ex of mine. He couldn’t come out and just say whatever he wanted to say so he’d do weird shit like your DH. So tedious and passive aggressive. Manipulative too.

Passive aggressive yes, I think it’s that.

Could it be simpler? He is trying to resist having the sweet, but after watching/listening to everyone having one he caves in and asks for one.

Isn't it a bit unfair to be flaunting sweets in front of him when he shouldn't be having any?

I’m overweight and sometimes I would initially say no to something because I would be trying to resist and then I would crack and ask for some.

Maybe its something like that and it’s just coincidence that they have gone?

Or, he’s an arse!

Is it maybe just about his own issues with weight? Declining when it's available makes him feel in control and as though he isn't greedy- and then saying he'll have one (knowing they're gone) means he can't actually have one so never needs to feel bad (plus others look greedy for finishing then so he looks good by comparison).

Does he definitely know they're gone? Maybe he is waiting until he thinks there is very little left so he can have one but not be tempted to gorge. Who knows.

I'd take it up worh him anyway in case he wasn't aware and just remind him that his issues with good are his own to deal with and if he wants support with that then fine but if not then he can't act ridiculously as a result.

My husband eats all meals with a knife and fork. Including spaghetti and burgers.

Sorry not really related but I find it annoying!

Ugh how exhausting. Do you enjoy this relationship?

My ex used to make a terrible noise when eating in front of me .
I can’t remember really what he did in restaurants as we never went out together much .
He never asked me out much, just bought me a takeaway .
I always remember feeling insecure but that’s another topic .

When you offer and he declines say last chance there won’t be any left later so if instead of no thanks you what you want to say is thanks id love some but later in the afternoon then you need to say that now, or miss out. Your choice.

And after saying that a few times I’d consider writing it on a card I could just flip up towards him.

Give off zombie. Are you trying to upsets here??

He's not just making a weak joke is he?

One of my DH's "Dad jokes" is to say "better take this chocolate back to the shop, the wrapper was already open" when he's gone to get the new bar and I've beaten him to it. No slur on my weight intended and none taken.

Could your DH be joking along the lines of "you clearly didn't mean it when you offered me one as you wanted them all yourself and I knew that and declined cause I am such a nice guy"

Sounds like he's a compulsive overeater. Like an alcoholic but with food ie an addiction. Loads, buckets, of denial and weird behaviour around it.

Have a look at OA.

I would really have to say something to him. Not about his weight (which I think is fair enough that he doesn't want to discuss, I don't want to discuss mine thanks, down that path it wouldn't help me lose but it would make me upset and comfort eat more 😳) but about the pattern of refusal then asking later.

Can you use an equally passive form of reply?

"I took you at your word about not wanting any. Were you lying?"

This is nothing about his weight / your weight. Nothing as obvious as that. It's a control thing - he gets to say no, then gets to draw attention to the fact that you ate it all. I'd bluntly say " You said you didn't want any. Too late". And ignore after that.

I think I'd either start saying "are you sure you don't want any? This is the last one!" before eating the last one, or as a pp suggested, have some spare to bring out when he asks for it. Break the pattern of him being able to complain / act surprised that there aren't any left.

Have you read 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne? V helpful for this sort of thing.

I think he is making a situation where he gets to feel deprived, as if you have deprived him. Even though you haven't.