Tell me about ‘being kind’

[phivephatphish]

In the wake of Caroline Flack’s death, the Internet is awash with ‘be kind’.But what does it actually mean? I’m not a great one for SM, so I don’t track people down and write nasty things on their twitter feed or Fb. But I can think of 2 instances in the last few weeks where I’ve been less than kind. 1. Decorator did dreadful job. Was ‘being kind’ saying nothing? Because I didn’t say nothing. It was awful and i told him so (and he agreed) and asked him take the wallpaper off the wall, and I didn’t pay him for what was 2 days work (but I didn’t charge him for replacement wallpaper). 2. A particularly difficult mum at school who needs a lot of support, I have neither the time, patience or expertise to help this woman. Nor do I want to cultivate an out of school friendship between our children, and I’ve told the mum this (rather than ignore endless texts asking for play dates). That’s not kind either, is it? And I can think of instances where my behaviour towards these people might be the very last straw. But if we actually thought real people that we personally know were about to go out and top themselves we’d all be a lot nicer. Being kind and being walked over straddle the same line.

It’s all knee jerk bollocks.

No it doesn't. Kindness is underrated, but being kind doesn't mean letting people take advantage of you. Nor does it mean becoming a martyr. It just means, in this context, pausing before putting out on a public forum something mean or derogatory about someone you don't know or understand. Anonymity seems to give people license to be cruel and opinionated when frankly they have nothing of interest to say.

Setting out to be cruel is totally unnecessary.

Reacting to others depends on so many things.

It means thinking before you speak or type.

You spoke to the decorator and came up with a solution so nothing wrong there. If you had instead took photos and put all over social media he is shit at his job then that wouldn’t have been kind.

Well it depends whether you ripped the decorator a new one and insulted his mum or if you dealt with him in a professional manner really.
So it's about saying no in a nice way.
Offering a struggling stranger a hand instead of walking on by. But not being a doormat to cheeky sods.

Yes it would be better to say don't bully, gossip and troll online.

I think you were kind to the other mum by being honest with her. Better than being nice to her face and then continually making excuses. As for the decorator, he even agreed with you! Expressing disatisfaction isnt being unkind, neither is politely disagreeing with them. If you expressed it as what the fuck are you playing at have you ever seen a fucking wall before you half blind wank badger then yes that would be unkind.

Being too soft is very different than being kind in my book

Personally I see being kind as literally that! I complain, I call others out when they’re wrong, but my day to day being is to be kind towards others.

A little old dot in town the other day pulled me up and said what a lovely example I was setting for my children because on her birthday last my dd (9) wanted to use her birthday money to give to a couple of homeless men around the town, I was touched by her attitude and gave them some money (out of my pocket, not hers) she was talking about this and said some people say you shouldn’t do it because it encourages them and I say “some people do darling, but the way I see it, is a fiver is easy to come by for me and for her (and I’m poor, trust me) and sometimes, our kindness may result in the homeless buying things they shouldn’t, but it just MIGHT help them a little, and that’s enough to help me sleep at night” - the lady said she doesn’t give to the homeless herself but thought it was a kind sentiment. I agree. You know what, your life might be a mess, mine is, but what may seem insignificant to you might be the world to someone else, it might not, but you never know and what’s to lose?

I’d sooner be the one listening to someone’s troubles over and over, rather than saying “bloody hell they go on, they don’t help themselves, it’s not my problem etc etc” than sitting at a funeral thinking “shit, what if I’d listened that one time?”

I started a thread about this very subject the other week.

General consensus was that telling people to be kind online generally means shutup/validate me.

Social media is a bit of a cesspit tbh and I don't think you can place the same expectations on people using it as you would irl. I mean, quite often we hear "you wouldn't talk to someone like that face to face" levelled as a criticism for sm interaction but yeah, actually, you wouldn't, and that's sort of the point. It's a different way of communicating with people than sitting in a pub or whatever so of course people are going to behave differently. Not sure what you can do about that given that all of us are basically motivated by self interest, pretty much at all times.

Being kind does not mean be a pushover.

No, it doesn't mean be a pushover but it's increasingly being used to say " don't question me" and also " I am kind and you are not if you disagree" ie requiring acquiescence.

I really disagree about expectations. If enough people call out the bullies and trolls, perhaps SM will become a kinder place. People may be 'motivated by self interest' but most people have the ability to empathise with others. Telling someone they're ugly on social media isn't any different than telling them to their face.

It is defined as ‘the quality of being friendly, generous and, considerate’. It had nothing to do with being a pushover and I guess that part of the problem is that many people think that it does.

In the examples above kindness would have manifested in Along these lines: 1. politely telling your decorator that you were disappointed with his work and would have to ask him to replace the wallpaper he had ruined instead of telling him that his work was awful. 2. Not calling this other woman names and just continuing to refuse invitations for play dates if it’s so impossible for you to have them thus sparing her feelings instead of being blunt and potentially making her feel embarrassed or unwanted.

It’s not necessarily about altering your behaviour but more about doing the things you do pleasantly.

IMO Example 1 was not unkind, example 2 probably was. The other woman may not have had anyone else to reach out to, or any other potential play dates for her daughter, and your actions made her feel shit about herself. So maybe being kind is just that - trying to avoid making people feel shit about themselves.

Be kind.

Think before you speak or act. They have consequences.

I'm fed up of this be kind bollocks in the wake of her death.

Something seems to be missing .... ah yes the domestic violence aspect.

The domestic violence charge was being dealt with by the police and courts. The online bullying, the Sun's nasty Valentine card article etc etc, is a separate issue and was never in the 'public interest'. Being kind isn't bollocks.

Being kind includes not assaulting someone.

You can't pick and choose what ' be kind' means.

I didn't suggest you could, but perhaps a little compassion for someone who was clearly in a bad place wouldn't go amiss.

A bad place because sadly actions have consequences.

Being not kind has consequences like being held to account.

The nasty Valentine's card was also unkind to her boyfriend. How awful would he feel seeing that?

I don't think it's a bad thing to try not to be a dick on social media. People seem to think that because people are in the public eye they have the right to pick apart every part of their life. There are people who spend hours following bloggers and instagrammers just to slag them off on Tattle. It's bonkers and they are bullies.

I like twitter but I have blocked many of the people who spout hate (PM, KH, JHB etc) and it makes it a much better place.

But what right has the random person in the street to hold others to account? CF was charged with assault and suspended from the job she clearly loved. Hopefully justice would have been done in due course. Where was the need for thousands of folk on social media to pile on too? What right do they have?

Bein kind as a response in the wake of someone’s suicide in an apparent attempt to prevent further suicides is a naive approach. I lost my brother by suicide in 2014 and actually find the ‘be kind’ approach rather offensive and insulting as it implies that people commit suicide because others were unkind to them when it is far more complex than that and as his family were exceptionally kind to my brother but in the end it wasn’t enough

Someone who has been charged with a crime has not lost their right to be treated fairly and kindly, surely? She was being held to account by the courts, as is only right. In my opinion, the daily tabloid articles were unnecessary and cruel.