Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

New relationship and funeral

30 replies

caulkheaded · 17/02/2020 10:07

My friends boyfriend killed himself at the start of January and the funeral is tomorrow.

Around the same time, I started dating a good friend. We’ve known each other 4 yrs but only been together 6 weeks.

Would it be too soon to ask him to come to the funeral with me? I have no issue going alone and had planned to, until the last few days when I’ve felt much sadder about the death and would like some company there I think.

OP posts:
SuperPixie247 · 17/02/2020 10:10

Usually I would have said it was a bit early but as he was a good friend initially then I would ask him to go with you.

I am sorry for your/your friends loss. Suicide is so tragic Flowers

Original poster
caulkheaded · 17/02/2020 10:15

Hmmm that’s what I was thinking. I wouldn’t have asked him in the past though, we have been friends but not that close.

I only know the friend, so it isn’t like people will see me there with him and it will be some horrifically badly timed reveal of our relationship. I’d just like to have someone there with me.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 17/02/2020 12:31

I'd hestitate to be honest. My friend's husband killed himself last year and I became very anxious about rubbing my relationship in her face for quite a long while after. I'd be concerned that bringing your new boyfriend to the funeral would just rub it in for your friend that her partner is gone.

SunshineDays2019 · 17/02/2020 12:49

To be honest I don't think it's the occasion to bring a plus one who presumably has no connection to the deceased or their family. Make arrangements to meet him straight afterwards. Sorry for your friend's loss Flowers

stellabelle · 17/02/2020 12:51

If you wouldn't have asked him when he was just a friend, I wouldn't ask him now. He didn't know the deceased person - he has no real reason to be there.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 17/02/2020 12:56

I don’t think a funeral is a “plus one” event.

I think it’s he really quite odd to “invite” him along if he doesn’t know the deceased or your friend.

Knittedfairies · 17/02/2020 12:58

I understand you need the support, but it might be seen as insensitive from your friend's point of view.

edwinbear · 17/02/2020 13:02

OP you didn't know her boyfriend, is that correct? If so, you are there in the capacity to support your friend, how can you need support yourself if you didn't actually know him? This is not a social occasion.

strawberry2017 · 17/02/2020 13:12

I think you have probably left it a bit late for him to rearrange his schedule to attend.

Original poster
caulkheaded · 17/02/2020 13:21

@edwinbear no, I knew the boyfriend very well.

I’m aware it might be insensitive, that’s definitely what’s making me hesitant.

OP posts:
Lampan · 17/02/2020 13:24

Don’t do it. Its not worth risking the possible upset it might cause her.

HelloYouTwo · 17/02/2020 13:24

I think it’s a bit insensitive. You are there to mourn someone you knew and to support your friend. Bringing your new bf is a bit much. Are there no other mutual friends?

At your partner’s funeral, you don’t want to be wondering who the random attendees are. You want people there who have come to pay their respects to your loved one. In my opinion anyway.

Footle · 17/02/2020 13:26

I don't think anyone will think anything about it. They and you will be there for the funeral and your chap will be there for you.

katy1213 · 17/02/2020 13:28

You're there to support your friend - she doesn't need random strangers supporting you.

Original poster
caulkheaded · 17/02/2020 13:30

We have one mutual friend but she can’t get the time off work (nurse). The friend knows a lot of my friends but I know fewer of hers. I had offered to sit with her etc and she she has close friends and family coming to support and didn’t need me to. He was early 40s so I would imagine there will be a lot of people there as he had a large family but I don’t know that.

OP posts:
Doowop · 17/02/2020 13:33

At my dh's funeral, I was so busy trying to keep it together that I cannot remember who was there with whom although I remember appreciating that people took the time out of their lives to say goodbye to him. If he is happy going along with you then by all means do it. I can't for the life of me imagine why it should be a problem.

DiNATwist · 17/02/2020 13:44

Don't take him. You'll know other people there and you'll all grieve together. Taking someone who didn't/doesn't know the deceased person or his family is distracting and insensitive. My Sister did this at parent's funeral, brought along a random male, said he was there as her partner to support her Very odd and upsetting for DM, more so since random wasn't introduced. RM had to be 'asked to leave' after hoovering up (liquid) hospitality afterwards. But then DSis has form..
Not saying your partner is anything like this, but better to err on the cautious side unless bereaved family are okay with it, The fact that you're asking MN suggests you think that it would be insensitive.

edwinbear · 17/02/2020 13:59

If you knew him well too then OP, can you ask your friend how she would feel about it?

HJ40 · 17/02/2020 14:07

No, please don't be troubling your friend the day before her partner's funeral on if you may bring a bf!

I'd say it's fairly normal to go solo. They aren't social occasions, typically just those that know the deceased. I know you want support, but put your big girl pants on and make sure bf is there for you as soon as you get home.

Capodimonte · 17/02/2020 14:15

@Doowop has just said word for word what I would say. My DH funeral was 2 years ago and I still couldnt tell you who was there or not as i was so upset.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/02/2020 14:17

I think your role here is to support your friend. Your new boyfriend is just going to be a distraction, he won’t know anyone else there so will be hanging on your coat tails and preventing you being as present for your friend as she might need. Also, it does sort of seem a little bit of a kick in the teeth to show off your new boyfriend at her boyfriend’s funeral.

Original poster
caulkheaded · 17/02/2020 14:20

Just to be clear, incase it wasn’t further up the thread. - I’m going to the funeral because someone I know has died.

I’ve offered to the friend that I can travel with her, sit with her, be with her before/after etc but she’s said thanks but no, family and close friends are doing that.
I’ve met her friends a couple of times but don’t really know them, it’s not like there are a big group of us sitting together who are all friends and there is no wake.

OP posts:
Roussette · 17/02/2020 14:25

You've been seeing this guy romanticall for 6 weeks and you want to take him to a funeral? Shock

Sorry but that's peculiar AFAIC. Surely he doesn't want to go... he doesn't know this person that has died, he barely knows you as a partner.

It's just such a weird thing to ask someone to go with you

conduitoffortune · 17/02/2020 14:36

You are being thoughtless. It would be so inappropriate and insensitive for you to bring your new boyfriend to your friend's partner's funeral with you, can't you see that? Your poor friend.

Nowayorhighway · 17/02/2020 14:37

Yes, too soon. You have only just started dating, you barely know him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread