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Original poster

DP's family don't bother with DC

50 replies

Namechangenum1 · 15/02/2020 22:42

Name change as could be outing when put against other posts.

DP and I have an 16 month old DC and another on the way. His family don't bother with our DS at all.

He has older kids who are just totally uninterested, don't come to our house, never ask after DS, just act as though he doesn't exist. When DP puts pictures on social media they never interact with them at all (like or comment) but do everything else he posts. They just act as though he doesn't exist. (no dripfeed here, they relationship with their father is fine.. Never shown resentment etc, just totally uninterested).
Again DP's parents show little interest, hardly acknowledge our son when we visit, never visit us, never asks after him when on the phone to DP etc. Yet they babysit their other grandchild 5/6 days a week. Same with story with his siblings.

There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason behind it. I get people have their own lives I really do, and I don't expect anyone to be as interested in my son as I am but I just don't understand why my family are always pleased to see him, and when I speak to them they'll ask how he is etc, just the norm you'd do with a close relatives children..yet his family are the total opposite. I also get different family's behave differently, but they don't seem to like that with the other young child in the family (DS cousin).

Has anyone else been in similar situation? How did you deal with it? I naturally feel hurt and angry by it.

OP posts:

Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 22:44

Op7, he has your family, thats enough.

Change your expectations of his family, stop trying and just concentrate on your own.. Otherwise you'll have a life time of being shocked and let down. You know what they are like and as your dc get older you won't want them exposed to this.

peoplearepeople · 15/02/2020 22:58

I agree that you just have to accept how it is really. It might be better for your children not having them in their lives. My in laws stopped showing interest in our family once they weren't cute toddlers anymore and our son was diagnosed with a disability. Despite living only a few miles away they only see us on birthdays, and other special occasions. Even then, it's always us that makes the effort to go and see them.

They basically have no knowledge of their amazing grandson now and have missed out on the opportunity of seeing him grow up when they could have been really close. It's really sad, but that's how it is. As he's grown older he's clearly seen that they aren't interested in him like his other grandparents are and as a result has little time for them.
The saddest thing is that mil is now in hospital and incredibly ill. She is really upset because she hardly gets any visitors and nobody is interested in going to see her either. Karma really from treating people like shit all her life I guess.

HoldMyLobster · 15/02/2020 23:11

Has anyone else been in similar situation? How did you deal with it? I naturally feel hurt and angry by it.

I stopped feeling hurt and angry eventually, and just resigned myself to the fact that they were a bit shit, and it was their loss.

Occasionally my children ask who Grandad T and Grandma P are, and I remind them that they're the grandparents who are too lazy to bother seeing them, but that they have other wonderful involved grandparents who they should focus on.

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Menopauseandteensdontmix100 · 15/02/2020 23:13

I had this from my own parents. They preferred first born grandchild my niece and spent 5-6 days a week on her a combination of her visiting then (she was round every time I visited and my parents refused visit me), providing free childcare for her as well as after work and weekend babysitting. My two rarely ever got a look in, no free childcare, no weekend babysitting and when I visited them it was hard work as chubby spoiled niece was always there. She screamed the place down if my mum showed any interest in my two whatsoever, I couldn’t put them on the floor and my mum couldn’t hold either. If I tried to have a conversation with my mum she slays interrupted. I tried to explain my feelings and the unfairness of the situation more sensitively than I have done here but they were totally dismissed and unacknowledged. It was bloody hard work but it was their loss missing out on my lovely babies and children (they are teenagers now).

ddraigygoch · 15/02/2020 23:19

Are the older children significantly older?

He may have been happy to restart the baby years but nobody else signed up for it. I've seen it happen IRL.

Looking after older children can be enjoyable and interactive. They can share interests etc.
While looking after a baby is a chore.

I would just keep lines of communication open and maybe the bonds will form as he gets older.

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 15/02/2020 23:46

Thanks for all the advice! I take some comfort in knowing my DC situation isn't the one of its kind!

@Menopauseandteensdontmix100
Regarding your niece, it's the exact same situation with my DS and his cousin. She's always there thanks to being free childcare. If he plays with a toy she grabs it off him until he ends up in tears, same as when grandparents show any attention whatsoever it lasts seconds until she's drew the attention back to herself. So frustrating and it means visits are getting shorter and shorter, as well as less frequent. I feel bad for my DS, though we're not really left with any other option.

OP posts:

Forcryingoutloudwtf · 16/02/2020 08:04

If he already has older children they may not be interested in him starting a new family. They may think he already had a family. I wouldn't have been interested in my father or my mother starting a new family with somebody else and I wouldn't leave my children with my DH and go and start another family elsewhere. I wouldn't be interested if my siblings did it either.

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 08:29

For what it's worth DP is early 40s, his other DC were born when he was late teens/early 20s, they're adults. Their father didn't leave anyone to start another family. He had split up with their mother almost a decade before (and for what it's worth, the relationship ended due to her infidelity). Please don't jump to conclusions.. Just ask

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/02/2020 09:01

Maybe it’s just his family dynamic, if his own children don’t come to his house then to me that says a lot. I’d likely ignore the SM pictures of the new family too in that situation.

Like others have said, second families don’t always get the interest that first families get.

oldfashionedtastingtea · 16/02/2020 09:04

My ex FIL had a child with his second wife when ex was 25. Ex wasn't angry about anything but it felt weird to him, the child also didn't feel like a brother or like family at all. It was also weird to see his dad do all kinds of things with the new child that he never had an interest in doing with his other children when they grew up. You can't see a child as a brother if you never lived in one house with them or grew up together. It doesn't work like that. To my ex it was just a strange baby he was forced acting extra interested inbecause of expectations.

ThePolishWombat · 16/02/2020 09:09

My FIL and his wife are the most apathetic “grandparents” know to man.
They haven’t acknowledged any of DCs existence for nearly 2 years (DCs are 4, 3 and 5 months) since stopped initiating contact. Before that, they’d only ever spent time with the DCs when we made the first move. We got sick of it, so thought “let’s just stop initiating and see whether they bother their arses to see the DCs”....needless to say they didn’t bother.
So as far as I’m concerned, they can fuck off to the far side of fuck....and when they arrive there they should fuck off some more!

ShinyRuby · 16/02/2020 09:28

Oh yes, uninterested gps all round here! My dps are equally disinterested in all their grandchildren to the point where dm didn't recognise dd2 on a recent photo & asked who she was!!
Dh's parents are disinterested but spend a lot of time talking about other gc which is a bit crap but just how it is. Oh they love a photo in a frame but no real interaction.
I gave up having any expectations years ago, I was just setting myself up for hurt feelings otherwise.

Dc grow up & make up their own minds in the end, mine are aware not all gps are like this.
It's the gps loss.

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 09:28

@thepolishwombat
Made me LOL but I'm definitely starting to feel the same!

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 09:30

@ShinyRuby
It's the keen interest in the other GC but none with my son that I find crap too

OP posts:

ddraigygoch · 16/02/2020 09:32

Then it may be that they didn't want a new baby sibling. They don't see the baby as a sibling as they will never have a real sibling relationship or bond. They will never not be able to have the carefree experiences because they will always have to be the adults to this child.

And again the GPs have done their time 4x(?) over. They may not want to start over.

I go to my Grandmothers house and we watch TV we go for a walk, we go to lunch. It's a mutually enjoyable, responsibility free time. When I bring my small children. Completely different dynamic. She adores them but it changes everything.

Again they all 'did their time' he chose to reset the clock. They didn't.

WinterCat · 16/02/2020 09:40

Is it that they don’t like you? Do they not approve if you are not married (sorry if I’m making an assumption, but you refer to him as your DP)? Do the grandparents have lots of hobbies that they might be worried they will be expected to give up for babysitting? Are there other babies in the family?

I think it’s quite normal for grown up children to not always want their parent to have babies. Not all feel that way though.

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 09:44

@ddraigygoch
An utterly bizarre concept that being a grandparent is to be a one time thing?? Many GP have grandchildren years apart from each other, to then not bother with the younger ones, just because they've had grandchildren before would be very strange behaviour IMO.
And in this situation, they didn't have a close relationship with his older DCs due to circumstances at the time. Whereas DP and I have tried from them to have a relationship with DS, like they do with their other young grandchild who isn't much older.

Also it's PP making this a "sibling issue" not me. I wouldn't expect them to view my children as equal siblings to each other, but I personally think it shows questionable morals to refuse to acknowledge their existence whatsoever.

OP posts:

Plantainchips · 16/02/2020 09:45

It’s probably a mixture of:

massive age gap
different mother
the older siblings grew up together, known each other for ages and see each other as their only siblings. your children are too young for them to ever really have a close relationship or be seen as siblings.
the grandparents have already experienced the whole grandchildren phase so aren’t going to be that interested in doing it again

I remember growing up and my mother has younger half- siblings that I couldn’t even tell you their names/ where they live etc. If you ask her who her siblings are she wouldn’t even mention them.

Whynosnowyet · 16/02/2020 09:45

Apparently my mil told dh many years ago she never wanted to be a dgm. Having dh was an accident she never let him forget..
True to her word...
She visited in hospital when told no visitors - stayed half an hour and held ds.
Never held him again. Visited once to see dh about something.. Never came for 5 months. We moved and she told everyone we had cut her out of ds's life!!. Been nc for over 5 years now.
Ds is more than fine without her around.

Don't beat yourself up op. But your dh should be pulling his older dc up on ignoring their sibling for so long imo...

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 09:48

@WinterCat
I get on with them all well when I see them, never been any issues there. Also no hobbies really as they're retired and provide free childcare care 5/6 days a week to other GC.

OP posts:

Whynosnowyet · 16/02/2020 09:53

Singlenotsingle · 16/02/2020 09:54

When the first grandchild arrives it's a novelty. After that, the novelty wears off with each successive grandchild. Plus the grandparents are older and older, with the lack of mobility and ill health that come with old age.

I had an older half brother when I was little. He was adult and visited his father once a year at Christmas. We never knew him or his family.

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 09:55

Didn't want to dripfeed but his older DC not coming to his house isn't as questionable as it sounds. They're just quite selfish and lazy IMO, it's easier to them from him to go to them. It really is as simple as that.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/02/2020 09:55

Are the other DCs their daughters kids. GPs do tend to be closer to their daughters kid s

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 10:00

@Awwlookatmybabyspider
Yes you're right it is their daughter child they're close too. They had a few grandchild before her (DP's plus "step grandchild" from their other son) so she's not the first, but first from their daughter.

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