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Original poster

DP's family don't bother with DC

50 replies

Namechangenum1 · 15/02/2020 22:42

Name change as could be outing when put against other posts.

DP and I have an 16 month old DC and another on the way. His family don't bother with our DS at all.

He has older kids who are just totally uninterested, don't come to our house, never ask after DS, just act as though he doesn't exist. When DP puts pictures on social media they never interact with them at all (like or comment) but do everything else he posts. They just act as though he doesn't exist. (no dripfeed here, they relationship with their father is fine.. Never shown resentment etc, just totally uninterested).
Again DP's parents show little interest, hardly acknowledge our son when we visit, never visit us, never asks after him when on the phone to DP etc. Yet they babysit their other grandchild 5/6 days a week. Same with story with his siblings.

There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason behind it. I get people have their own lives I really do, and I don't expect anyone to be as interested in my son as I am but I just don't understand why my family are always pleased to see him, and when I speak to them they'll ask how he is etc, just the norm you'd do with a close relatives children..yet his family are the total opposite. I also get different family's behave differently, but they don't seem to like that with the other young child in the family (DS cousin).

Has anyone else been in similar situation? How did you deal with it? I naturally feel hurt and angry by it.

OP posts:

VisionQuest · 16/02/2020 10:02

Only one interested grandparent here (my mum) the rest of them occasionally ask after DC but nothing more.

Yes I feel occasionally pissed off but it's their loss. I also won't be bending over backwards to help any of them in their old age (apart from my mum)

emilybrontescorsett · 16/02/2020 10:03

I don't think it's unusual in your scenario for teenagers/ young adults to show very little interest in toddlers or babies.
They are not going to have the same bond and dynamic as your dhs other children have together. That is how it is. It does not make them bad people.
With all due respect not everyone is interested in someone else's child.
It sounds as though these young adults grew up with their mum and when they saw their dad it was just that - them and their dad. Now as they are no longer children their dad has had kids with you and they are just not on their radar.
With regards to the grandparents, they are I presume I'm their 70s, so hardly young. Perhaps they feel they have done it all a long time ago with their son and just don't feel the same now.
The grandkids they are involved with, are they their daughters children ?
I've seen this before where one siblings children get preference over anothers.

SerendipitySunshine · 16/02/2020 10:06

I feel your pain. We have a similar situation. My PIL look after BIL and SIL kids all the time but because we are seen as being more attentive parents there's no time left for us. We've realised PIL are so busy playing stand-in parent roles they don't have time or focus to be grandparents. It's sad really.

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emilybrontescorsett · 16/02/2020 10:07

Another thought. Did the grandparents provide childcare to your husbands other children ?
Perhaps in their mind they have done their duty.
It does sound odd, not how most grandparents behave but some people are very strange.

Loubeale · 16/02/2020 10:07

To be fair, when my father left my mother and started a family with a woman 20 years younger I really couldn't give a monkeys, still don't.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/02/2020 10:09

I think it's like when parents pay for their daughter 's wedding, but not their son's.
Nowt as queer as folk as the saying goes.

IamPickleRick · 16/02/2020 10:13

I feel really sad for you and your DS. I know exactly how this feels, I’ve always said they were disinterested but this week DD and I were in a car accident. They all knew. Not one person called us to ask if she was ok, the first contact we got was about 3 days after and to ask if we could do them a favour.

All you can do is cuddle your boy a little tighter. You can’t make someone else be a nice person x

Bawbags · 16/02/2020 10:15

For those on here who also have disinterested GPs, are they the type to still share all these fucking annoying "If your grandchild means to whole to you..." blah blah type posts on social media too? My DM does. All the damn time.
One day I swear I'm going to pull her up on it. Publicly. Her Social media is full of photos of her hobby and her friends but there are virtually no pics of her 5 grandchildren (all similar ages, all her own two DD's children) unless they happen to be doing something related to her hobby.

Okay, it's probably outing but DM loves her ponies and the only pics on her SM are when my DC or DN's are out doing something with horses or ponies. She never visits DNs unless she's in the area (200 miles away) for another reason and does the obligatory "pop in for 5 minutes" visit where she won't even stay long enough for a cup of tea. I live 5 minutes away and she sees mine just as much unless I go to hers and she still doesn't really bother much.

If you were to look at her newsfeed however, she's devoted to her grandchildren. Oh yes. They mean everything to her apparently.

OP, in tour situation I'd probably just say fuck it. I'd do something snarky like introduce your DC to their GPs as if you were meeting strangers. "DC, this lady is called Grandma. She's your daddy's mummy! Do you remember her?"

IamPickleRick · 16/02/2020 10:21

Oh my IL’s love their grandchildren. Just not their sons kids, only their daughters.

Original poster

Namechangenum1 · 16/02/2020 10:27

@IamPickleRick
Hope you and your daughter as well after car accident, sending all my love to you

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 16/02/2020 10:30

My mum hasn’t seen either me or my DD for over 3 years. She lives locally, she’s just not interested. I haven’t contacted her for years. What’s the point.

AuntieCedent · 16/02/2020 10:31

An adult niece and nephew of mine are completely embarrassed by their dad's new young family. My niece feels like she has to put off having children because she finds it so uncomfortable to have siblings a similar age to her own children. Her brother doesn't ever want children and is open about feeling nothing for these infants.

IamPickleRick · 16/02/2020 10:32

We are all fine, thankyou. DD totally fine (extended rear facer) and I have a little injury but it’s healing. Injurylawyers4u have been more concerned about my DD than they have, though!

AuntieCedent · 16/02/2020 10:32

Their grandparents are also honest that their money has been tied to their children and older grandchildren and that won't be changing.

HandsOffMyLangCleg · 16/02/2020 10:37

My husband has two older sisters. Both have children who are 8-12 years older than mine.

The ILs have always been closer to the daughters and treated those first four grandchildren differently to my two.

My MIL said once "I like to share Christmas between both girls" and didn't mention their son, my husband!

It is hurtful, but you need to just concentrate on your own family unit.

Figmentofimagination · 16/02/2020 10:58

My FIL isn't bothered as much about my toddler DS.
Messages about 3 times a year asking to visit. He lives 10 mins drive away. But always has time to see his girlfriend's adult daughters every week even with 1 living over an hour away.
It's his loss

Silversun83 · 16/02/2020 11:41

@serendipitysunshine.. I could have written your post word-for-word. In fact I do often say that DH's parents are so busy playing third parents to BIL's children that they have no time to be grandparents to ours.

I find it doubly sad because on my side, my mum has dementia and doesn't even know who I am anymore, let alone the DC, and my dad is a useless alcoholic.

But I think the key is to try not to let it bother you and to go with the thinking that it's their loss.

blackcat86 · 16/02/2020 11:56

It's difficult but you cant force them to care. Since we had DD, DHs teenage son has decided to only visit a few times in the last 18 months. Its upsetting because he's been made really welcome here but seems to resent that I would want a child (which I made clear from the outset to DH). Its completely up to him but I did get annoyed when he complained to his DM about the lack of relationship he has with DD and how she reacted to him - shes 18 months and to her he is virtually a stranger, but I think he feels connected to her because DH shares photos etc. PIL unfortunately make constant comparisons as if DD isnt even a separate child and we've had to scale back contact for DDs sake after they said and did some inappropriate things. It's sad but she has a great relationship with my parents. We're discussing having a DC2 so that DD grows up with a sibling as that's our preference, and concentrate on those who make an effort with her.

HavenDilemma · 16/02/2020 21:10

Sounds like they're not happy that he's moved on???

HavenDilemma · 16/02/2020 21:19

@AuntieCedent Their grandparents are also honest that their money has been tied to their children and older grandchildren and that won't be changing.

Oh how awful for those younger kids They're going to feel truly left out and hurt by that when they're adults

Poetryinaction · 16/02/2020 22:25

My parents do not bother with my dc. They last visited in September, and my mum suggested we next meet without the kids. Mine are 6, 4 and 2. She has 5 older grandkids ansmd just isn't bothered by these ones. It is very hurtful. No advice. Just enjoy your child. They are the ones missing out. And remember all the messages going out to be kind. That's all we can do.

Poetryinaction · 16/02/2020 22:36

It makes me so sad that my kids won't remember being held or read to by their grandparents. I don't know why that is not a priority for my mum and dad. They don't work and are healthy and fit. But they have almost no relationship with my kids. We have very few photos of them together as they are rarely together.

YogaLite · 16/02/2020 22:39

Yes, it's the daughter thing, the golden child, seen it with my oh's family to the point of being disinherited in the will.

Stronger76 · 16/02/2020 23:27

My exh was the youngest of 5,and my kids are the youngest grandchildren. We lived in the same village when my eldest was born, and we saw more of my parents who lived 200 miles away than we did of his who lived a few streets away.

Fast forward a few years, I'm divorced and the kids see his parents maybe once every couple of years.

You'll realise soon that your kids will form their own relationships and that whilst it can be fantastic, having involved grandparents isn't a necessity.

AuntieCedent · 17/02/2020 08:30

@HavenDilemma

The way the GP feel is that they sorted out their money a long time ago to minimise inheritance tax and so forth based on who was around then. They will be leaving money to their father so they will eventually inherit that or benefit from it at least.

The GPs strongly felt that their son should have been putting money towards helping his older children into adult life as he committed to rather than making a new family with someone else at the detriment of the older children.

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