Can I ask a question about dying and symptoms

[StealthPolarBear]

I dont want to upset anyone.
My grandad has heart failure and dementia. He's deteriorating. However his dementia has always been the slight confusion type rather than anything more perplexing (my grandma had paranoia, hallucinations, the works). While his condition is well managed he's still walking (and whistling).
However I read another thread which linked to a list of signs death will be soon.
One is sleeping a lot. He does do this and spends a lot of his time in bed, confusing dsy and night. But he isn't bed ridden.
Talking about going home and dead relatives. He's started doing this in the last week or so whereas before he was very clear who was alive and who was dead and where he lived.
When I read about those symptoms I'd assumed they were in someone who was bedridden and possibly drifting in and out of consciousness, but a few things in the list rang alarm bells. Is it likely the end is near when he's sometimes OK?
Sorry if this upsets or offends anyone. Sorry for rambling.

None of the things that you mention, are an indication that death is near. Honestly, he could go on like this for a long time. Seeing / talking about deceased relatives is just a part of the dementia - they don't remember that people have died so they think the person is still around. And sleeping a lot is normal at that age . Just keep on loving him - there are no guarantees at this part of life .

So sorry to hear what you are all going through Stealth. You mentioned reading a thread with signs that someone is near death. As you are already thinking about that subject can I recommend Kathryn Mannix 'With the End in Mind'. I've read it recently and it's a very rational and reassuring look at the patterns that occur before a natural death. It also talks about how families can approach conversations about death from years in advance. It is really lovely and not scary.

In your case, I wouldn't worry too much. From what other PPs are saying this sounds like a stage in his dementia. Is there someone involved in his health care that you can go to to ask all the questions that are worrying you?

I don't think he will have too long left he has been in heart failure for a few years now.
Thanks everyone. I had no reason to believe these symptoms were anything other than his dementia but when I read that list it all just seemed to apply. Glad to hear it's unlikely to be days :) while my grandma also had dementia we suspect hers was alzheimers and his is vascular, and the two are so very different

Well since I posted this he has been in hospital, discharged about a week ago to his care home and is now in end of life apparently. Not eating or drinking and he is just failing. The one silver lining is mum and my aunt are allowed to visit.

The day before my Dad (dementia, heart disease, suspected cancer, lung disease) became unconscious he was incredibly lucid, it was a shock when he was suddenly taken ill later that day and died two days later so I would say you can't always tell.

Sorry for what you are going through, it's horrendous at any time but especially now.

I'm so sorry @StealthPolarBear, I took a while to compose my post and we cross posted.

I am so glad that he is able to have visitors.

Thank you and sorry about your dad.
He was incredibly confused in hospital but since he's been 'home' (he's only lived there since just before Christmas and has spent most of his time in hospital) he's got much better apparently.
I've not seen him since he left hospital, I saw him the day before he left and he was desperate to leave. I told him mum was coming to bust him out.

Cue great escape music! I'm so sorry you couldn't see him, we had that situation with my Dad as well so I've got an inkling of how you may be feeling. I'm glad he's been less confused.

Older people do sleep more. That isn’t necessarily a sign that death is near at all, just that they are less robust and need more naps.
It sounds as though your Grandmother had Lewy body dementia, and that your Grandfather may have some level of vascular dementia ? With something like vascular dementia, people can cruise along on one level for a while, and then have a dip. This can go on for years ( my Mum had vascular dementia ). Or your grandfather could have the early stages of Altzheimer’s disease.
Old people can die suddenly, or they can gradually slow over a period of months, years even. When death itself is very close then they often sleep much more, (they will be asleep most of the time), they stop wanting to eat , and then eventually lose the ability to swallow. A death like this is a process. It doesn’t sound to me as though your Grandfather is doing this, more that he maybe has had a bit of a dip, and may well cruise along like that for some time, before another dip.
He may just gently slip away in his chair one sunny afternoon.
I am sorry he is getting more frail. He feels loved I am sure, as you so obviously love and care about him .

Long before she died, my mother was talking about going home to see her parents (dead some 30 odd and 50 odd years)at a house where she hadn’t lived since before WW2. She thought they ‘must be getting old and could do with some help’.

It was just another sign of newer memories being lost. The loss of memories has been likened to bookshelves, newest ones on the top shelf, older ones further down, and they’re gradually swept away, starting with the newest.

TBH by the time my mother died (with advanced dementia) she was unable to hold any sort of conversation and hadn’t known any of her family for at least a couple of years. Having said that, she did last longer than most - largely because she had an extremely strong constitution.

Confusing day and night is also very common with dementia. It doesn’t mean the end is near - it can happen fairly early on. It doesn’t sound to me as if your granddad is on the way out, though of course so much will also depend on a person’s physical health/any pre existing conditions that are nothing to do with dementia.

I do recommend the Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum for carers of people with dementia - (just google it.) Many people, including me, have found it a lifeline. Whatever you’re experiencing, someone will have been there. There aren’t often any easy answers, though.
All the best.

I think it's more dreaming of the dead than talking of them. My dad started dreaming of my nan not his mum my mums mum. They got along great. he had cancer we knew he didn't have long left he dreamt she was waiting for him he didn't know where she was but he could see her waving he dreamt of her a few times in the days leading up to him passing. It's nice to think it's true an she waiting for him.

He died last night, peacefully and conscious up to the end (well he was asleep when he died we think). Today they were going to start him on morphine.
So pleased he died peacefully and I am very very pleased he saw my mum and aunt yesterday.

He doesn't sound close to death to me. My grandmother talked non stop about dead relatives for years before she died. And napped a lot. Sorry to say she spent 8 years after that in a care home.

Im so sorry @StealthPolarBear. I’m so pleased that family were able to visit and it was peaceful at the end , I hope that’s a comfort to you in the coming days and months.

Before RTFT I was going to say that my gran had dementia and slept a huge amount towards the end. When she passed we all said that we couldn’t imagine a better way to go really, just gradually getting sleepier day by day, being well cared for and visited by loved ones when awake then one day just not waking up.

@woollylizard if there's one time you need to RTFT it's on a thread like this.

OP, sorry for your loss. I'm glad he went peacefully.

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou absolutely learned my lesson on this one.

I'm so sorry OP for your loss

I'm so sorry SPB
It sounds as though he was peaceful and he was obviously loved. Glad your family got to see him. Take care.

And oh my goodness I do wish people would read updates before posting.

May he rest in peace.

I used to work in a nursing home, and his symptoms just sound like a normal elderly person with dementia to be honest.

I used to look after one lovely lady, every night at 7pm she'd pack a bag (putting her incontinence pads and pants in with a nightie) and say she'd had a lovely stay in this hotel but she was off now and then would stand outside her room for half an hour waiting for the bus. We'd quietly keep an eye on her, then tell her the bus wasn't running tonight so stay another night and we'd help her unpack. Her daughter used to bring her sherry in on a Sunday and we always had a very eventful evening with her after 3/4 glasses of it

He could last quite a few years like this - until/unless he gets an infection such as a UTI or pneumonia. Then chances are he will deteriorate very quickly. It's so hard for relatives to have to watch, but it does all sound really normal if that is any reassurance to you and nothing that care staff would be concerned about

Love to you, Stealth. 💐💐

So sorry to read this, Stealth.

Sending love and light to you and your family.

So sorry that you have lost him Stealth, all love to you. Glad for all of you though that he did have a quiet and peaceful end to his life.

Oh god sorry, that'll teach me not to read a whole thread. I humbly apologise for my insensitivity.

So sorry for your loss