Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Relationship woes

30 replies

Nocluesue87 · 12/02/2020 20:58

Hi, this is my first time on here so I’m not really too sure how it works but I’m hoping there may be people out there who can give me an unbiased opinion on a situation I have going on.
I have to start by saying I know this is completely a ‘1st world problem’ and I’m embarrassed to even be talking about this.
I got in a relationship about 4 years ago, at that time my boyfriend had his own property, as did I. As the relationship went on it seemed silly to be paying for 2 households and so we made the natural decision to move in together. He had a flat and I had a house, so there wasn’t really any questioning on either part that he would move in with me. Things all went well and we got married last year.
So here is the tricky part, I’m really fortunate to not have a mortgage. I, along with a big help from my dad, bought my first house outright. So my husband and I only have to pay food and bills every month.
The issue now is that after 2 years of living together my now husband is trying to decide what to do with the money from the sale of his flat... which is a fair chunk of money. This is where we are falling out.
I think that he should hold on to that money as when the time comes for having children etc. we will need to move to a bigger house, with a bigger garden etc. Which realistically is 2 or 3 years time.
However, his idea is that he buys his own flat, in his name to rent out so he can have an extra income. He says that he wants to have his own place that he has full control of as our house is technically ‘my house’... although I dispute this as now we’re married it’s 50/50.
He knows my Dad is financially well off and expects that if we did move then he would pay for it (as he has done with my siblings) but I really don’t like that sense of entitlement. And I feel like if he has money to contribute, then he should. Not simply let my dad pay for somewhere for him to live.
So basically I see it as him being a bit of a brat and wanting to have his cake and eat it to.
He however, sees it completely differently, which is what I am really struggling to understand. He has basically said it’s his money, he’s going to do what he wants. I’m not really sure what to say to that?

Please help! Am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
HyperStella · 13/02/2020 01:02

He is. He’s been living mortgage free for 2 years and is only in a position to be considering selling his flat because of the generosity of you and your family!

DianaT1969 · 13/02/2020 01:49

Regarding 50/50, isn't that just for property/money accrued during the marriage? The house was yours before you got married. You can check on that and perhaps ring-fence as yours in case of divorce? Let him do the same with his flat, but his rental income should go in your shared family pot, as you aren't earning a private income on your house.

Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 07:28

Thank you! That is how I see it, I don’t know how I can get him to change his mindset though!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 07:33

Thanks Diana. It wouldn’t be so bad if that was going to be the case, but he is intending on keeping all the income he gets to himself.
His argument is that I don’t need it.
I understand my Dad is well off, but other than the help with my home I don’t get hand outs for anything, I work full time and earn my own money and pay for my own life like everyone else. But as well as that, my husband is living in the same situation as me, so surely I could argue that he doesn’t need it either?

OP posts:
Marshy86 · 13/02/2020 07:52

Hi Op,

Did you sign a pre nup or anything before getting married ? If so I can understand him wanting to keep a nest egg for himself for if the worst was to happen. Investing in property isn't a bad idea but I do disagree with the rental yield not coming into the home if needed. I have rentals myself and they are treated as part of my "salary" so hubby doesn't see the money however at same time he benefits from them as I pay for more holidays and treats. This set up works for us.

Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 08:27

Hi Marshy

No there’s no prenup or anything like that.

I wouldn’t really mind if the set up was like you say, but knowing how he is with money I can’t see any benefit will come my way. It’s been 4 years and he still won’t tell me how much he gets paid (I have a rough idea). I know some people are funny about things like that so I never really push it, but surely you’d share that with your husband/wife?

OP posts:
Damntheman · 13/02/2020 10:20

How intertwined are your general finances? Might it be an acceptable compromise for you to ringfence the house as yours, for him to buy a flat that's his, and for the rental money from the flat to be split 50/50. Half of it goes into a high interest savings account for the eventual move to a bigger place and half will be his to do what he wants with?

JKScot4 · 13/02/2020 10:24

If you need to move to a bigger house he ‘assumes’ your dad will pay?
He’s a right CF!!
So he gets to keep an extra income to himself but your dad is to fund his family home? I’m stunned by his cheek!
I think you need to protect yourself and your home Id be thinking he’s securing himself a nice escape plan.

Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 10:58

Damntheman - our finances are pretty separate. Bills are split 50/50 but I really struggled to get a joint account for food shopping etc. Eventually he agreed, after a argument probably, but the most I could get him to pay into that was £125 a month, which I put the same in. And for that he thinks that should cover breakfast lunch and dinner for both of us for the month. However after 6 months he decided that he’s only going to pay £100 a month and if we go out for dinner he’ll pay for that.
I put it down to him being tight. But I find it difficult as I am the complete opposite and overly generous, so I always end up out of pocket.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 11:01

JKscot - I know, it really makes me feel used. I’ve told him that and he doesn’t get it. I feel like what’s mine is ours and what’s his is his.
I said try and look at it from my point of view, but he said I’m not trying to look at it from his... he needs security... I don’t know if it’s just male pride?! Or ego? No idea

OP posts:
mamansnet · 13/02/2020 11:07

If he can keep the income from renting his flat, then you should be allowed to get an income from your house. Charge him rent.

BossAssBitch · 13/02/2020 11:08

Really don't understand your DH's mentality. This sort of nonsense would drive a huge wedge between my DH and I. What's mine is his and vice versa, we are a married, a 50/50 partnership. This sounds too much like a business arrangement.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 13/02/2020 11:13

I can see his point a little tbh.

My brother's wife has kept her little flat on because as she said no one gets married expecting to get divorced but most people do. If they split she'd be in a rocky ace, they're equal earners but his house.is owned outright by him. She'd be potentially starting over in her 50s or whatever.........they're very, happily married but less face it. These things do happen.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 13/02/2020 11:16

Just read he's wanting to keep the rent ??

Pahahaha, no way would I roll with that. I think you've had an early indication of his true colours.........and it's up to you to decide what to do with that info before having kids with him. 💁🏻‍♀️

Singlenotsingle · 13/02/2020 11:23

In the event of a divorce he'd have a claim on your house because you're married. It probably would only be a small claim because you owned it prior to the marriage, and it's only been a short marriage so far. However, if he had a property of his own, that would go into the pot as well. He's a bit money-orientated isn't he? Tight, as you say.

He certainly should be paying equally into the joint account - or doesn't he eat as much as you? Maybe try saying you'll pay in the same as him, and when the money's gone you both fend for yourselves. We spend £100 PW on food for the 2 of us, so I reckon the funds will be spent after 2 weeks. Maybe you'll have to go out for dinner every day when the money's all gone?

JKScot4 · 13/02/2020 11:24

Is £100 a month for food his only contribution?
I’m always confused by marriages where none of this is sorted from the outset, you don’t know his salary, let’s face it he’s a cocklodger.
Either he’s honest, fair and up front about finances or he can go back to HIS flat.

Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 11:47

BossAssBitch - exactly! The amount of arguments about money is insane! And what really gets me is that we're both so fortunate, there shouldn't be any need for any arguments at all!
We just don't agree on it, and I cant see anything getting resolved unless I just give in and accept it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 11:53

FoamingAtTheUterus - I know, if he was spiting the earnings in some way it wouldn't be so much of an issue. But nope

OP posts:
Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 11:57

JKScot4 - Yep, £100! It's frustrating, I get made to feel so bad about asking for any money for anything. It makes me physically anxious because I cant be bothered with either the argument it will cause or his sulky behavior.
I just want to live a nice easy life, I'm not being extravagant, I'm happy to shop at Aldi, buy all my own stuff. I just don't want to feel like I'm constantly being short changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nocluesue87 · 13/02/2020 11:58

I feel like I should point out that although I am moaning and not portraying him very well here, other than the money issue, he is a lovely husband. But the money issue is a big problem in our relationship and always has been.

OP posts:
FreakyToes · 13/02/2020 11:59

Sounds to me like he sees you (and your family) as a meal ticket.

There's no respect or consideration there on his part and he isn't showing any thought for your financial future as a couple. He seems to be only interested in what he has to gain personally.

As for expecting your dad to pay his way, just because he can afford to... That's ridiculous!

His attitude towards money is a massive red flag and would be a definite deal a breaker for me.

Think long and hard about if/how you proceed in this relationship and don't waste your time or energy trying to change his mindset.

ShagMeRiggins · 13/02/2020 12:06

It’s been 4 years and he still won’t tell me how much he gets paid

Jesus. This is a marriage?

Get yourselves to a financial counsellor or advisor to mediate how money will be handled in your marriage. This will never be resolved otherwise.

JKScot4 · 13/02/2020 12:26

£100pm is his sole contribution?
Jesus wept, get rid of this grasping greedy arse!!

billy1966 · 13/02/2020 12:35

OP, you are his meal ticket.

Honestly I would go to your father and spell it out.
You need protecting from him.
He's mean, he wants to hoard money and live off you.
Do you really want to have children with someone who is so mean and makes you anxious.
He wont even pay for food.

Protect yourself.
He's shown you exactly who he is.

MrsJemimaDuck · 13/02/2020 13:40

Honestly, OP, this would not work for me. He is using you, and probably in ways you don’t even realise yet. I would leave him before you get in any deeper.

Swipe left for the next trending thread