2 week-old newborn unsafe sleeping

[Max1mus711]

Hello,

This is my first post on Mumsnet. I am the proud father of a 16 day-old boy. My wife and I are delighted to have him. It's an amazing experience so far.

We are having a lot of problems with sleep. Our baby will not settle in his Next-to-Me crib at night nor in the pram we have bought specifiucally for sleeping during the day downstairs. He will go to sleep but will then wake up 10 to 20 minutes later and cry.

He will sleep chest-to-chest on us, but this is really worrying for me at night. He will not sleep at night in the crib until he's really exhausted at 3-4am most nights. His first sleep in our bedroom is always on Mum, who tries to stay awake but sleeps very lightly with him on her chest.

I know that this is a SIDS issue and frowned upon massively by most, but I really can't see a way out of this at the moment. We cannot not sleep as I am disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and cannot stay awake to watch my wife.

We've tried co-sleeping but he wakes up. We swaddle him, which he likes, but this doesn't stop him waking up and crying.

It's really getting to me and causing me anxiety, which is worsening my chronic fatigue symptoms and is not good for baby. It seems like we're in a nightmare trap where we have to put our baby at risk in order to survive.

Does anyone have any help/advice/support to offer this very worried Dad?

Thanks.

Does she breastfeed and will he feed to sleep? I would always lie baby in crib and lean over to feed them to sleep, then creep away 😂 the joys of babies. If not I'm afraid I don't really have any advice as that was the only way my first would sleep 😬
Good luck and I hope someone else is along soon with a solution for you both!

Totally normal for a newborn I’m afraid. You just have to get through it somehow. It doesn’t last forever. Can you sleep in shifts? Your wife sleep in the day? Have you tried a hot waterbottle to warm his mattress? A muslin smelling of mum? You really can’t fall asleep holding him in bed, it’s a massive risk.

No idea but bumping for you as I'm pregnant and my DP also had chronic fatigue so I can see this being us in a few months!

Good luck and please let us know if anything works!

For now I’d suggest mum “shifts” her day - so you go to bed at your usual time and sleep at night.
Mum stays awake until baby goes down at 3 or 4am, then sleeps.
When baby wakes at say 7am, then it’s YOUR turn until say... noon. (If baby has morning nap put back in crib next to mum but be ready to jump in if baby wakes etc)
It’s really hard but you can’t sleep like that. It’s too risky.

Btw, I have no idea if this is feasible for you (or it will work out in the end for us), but we are planning on sleeping in separate rooms so that my DP can get some proper rest while I look after the baby overnight and he can then do the daytime while I nap (at least between feeds). Maybe something to consider?

Also mum should sleep when baby sleeps- no exceptions.

Hi, it’s a bit of a shock to the system, isn’t it?

I have 3 children now, aged 8, 5 and 17 months. So here’s what I have learned, though experiences will vary.

The first 3 months are a 4th trimester. Baby has emerged from the womb (because if he’d stayed in longer he’d have got stuck) but is basically the same as an unborn infant -wants to be permanently cuddled and drip drip drip fed into his tiny stomach.

In the first 3 months babies have a tiny stomach and want to be fed pretty frequently. Long sleeps are rare, though sometimes you get a few long sleeps in the first few weeks as a result of the exhaustion of being born -which lull you into a false sense of security.

For the first 2 - 4 weeks I basically sat around with baby, downstairs, bedroom, wherever...with a Moses basket or similar next to me. It was feeding, sleeping, feeding, sleeping, with no real day night pattern...just having baby close to me whatever and expecting to be woken regularly through the night. I breast fed, so it was down to me. Sometimes husband took baby for a walk in the pram so I could catch up in some sleep. I frequently fell asleep with baby on me in bed, nightly in fact, so I tended to sleep alone with baby and set things up in a way that felt safe. Me being reclined with pillows was the big thing, so I wouldn’t slump over baby.

At around 4-6 weeks we started making sure baby learned night and day by moving to the bedroom at 8pm, complete darkness and silence. Baby going into next to me crib when asleep after a feed. Time asleep starts to stretch so while at first I slept at same time, by around 6-8 weeks I could put baby down and go back downstairs while they slept for a few hours. I’d go up when they woke around 11pm, feed and put them down, gong to sleep next to them.

I just continued with this feeding on demand until around 6/7 months. My first two just spontaneously went from 8pm-7am on their own around that point. No 3 needed until 10 months when we helped her sleep thru by only offering her a cuddle rather than a feed...and she soon got bored of waking.

It all seems like a massive shock when you are used to getting your sleep but in the whole scheme of child raising, it passes quicker than you’d think. 16 days is really, really early.

Buy a sleepyhead. Was a game changer for me. Makes baby feel snug and is safe to sleep in- I used to put mine in the next to me.

Is he getting enough milk? Could you try topping him up for night time? I mean formula.
I know it's frowned on by some on here - but maybe he's hungry?

Get her to lie on her side, baby’s nose level with her nipple on its side. That way she can feed lying down. She might be able to roll away a bit once baby is asleep (or not). Don’t put pillows or blankets anywhere near the baby. You sleep in another room so when the baby needs to switch sides, you’re not next to it.

I’ve had to do this with all four of my children. Despite my efforts, not a one of them would sleep anywhere near a cot or even a cosleeping crib. They’ve all coslept.

Can you ask a health visitor / midwife to show your DW safe co-sleeping / feeding. My first baby was like yours. The HV who taught me this really saved me.

Congratulations! My babies all slept perfectly in their Moses basket/pram (downstairs) during the day but at night it was a living nightmare. The only way I could get them to sleep was with them on my chest. I remember propping myself up with pillows - my DH slept in another room. I reached peak madness at about 6-8 weeks but after that things did improve. Sorry, no real advice but I can sympathise.

I'm wondering what you expected when you had a newborn?

This is normal, baby has been cocooned for 40 weeks with consistent temp, never feeling hungry or having strange sensations in the shorts area. This is what's known as the forth trimester, they're actually born too early. Of course your baby just wants a body to snuggle into with the sound of a familiar heartbeat.

What about a my hummi white noise thing?

Or you sleep in another room so your wife can safely co sleep. Make a little bed all of baby's own or use a sleepy head on top of the bed and mam ideas a single quilt.

But ultimately you need to go to another room to sleep.

Google safe co-sleeping. I co-slept with all of mine. With my first baby, 10 years ago, the midwife told me that before we left the hospital they had to tell me (and all new mums) not to co-sleep, but she said, but you will, if you ever want to want to have any sleep, everyone does it, don't worry about it. It was great advice imo! And now they have found that co-sleeping is not actually a risk-factor for sids on its own, it only increases risk of side if there is an additional risk factor such as either parent smokes, has drunk alcohol or taken medication. Google safe co-sleeping and then enjoy not getting out of bed all night! Mine wouldn't accept the sidecar cot either, they have to be right next to mum, nose to nipple so lower down the bed than you'd think - face to face is no good, they need to be within smelling distance of her milk and mum can pop them on the boob as soon as baby wakes. Soon the baby will help himself and mum can just dose lying on her side next to him while he feeds back to sleep. Don't stress too much, it's ok, we've all been there, wondering if we'll ever sleep again!

This is very common and was a similar situation for us at first = baby only wanted to sleep at night on us.

I wish i had accepted this instead of worrying about it. It started getting better at about 6-8 weeks.
My advice would be to take it in shifts of two - four hours during the night. Even if you're breast feeding just sleeping in the other room for a couple of hours will be restful for your wife if you bring her in for feed. Definitely second the idea of different bedrooms we still do that a lot now for at least part of the night.
i remember the anxiety at that point too - they are soooo tiny and look so fragile and every night i was worried but you all get through it. At about two months they have chubbed up a bit and look a bit less fragile.

Other things that helped us = baths before bed, using a low red light in the bed room at night. Ewan the dream sheep as well as you tube white noise. Lots of fresh air during the day and natural day light. Wearing slings during the day as well helped relax us and baby and help sleep. Gradually you will find that you are getting a little bit more sleep a little more regularly.

What i found really funny was all the comments on the youtube white noise videos. You realise you are really not alone there are many of us in the same boat.

My second was like this. We used white noise (aeroplane worked best!), and a swaddle and that worked in the next2me x

I slept with my baby on top of me. Everytime she wanted a feed, there I was. It depends on how active a sleeper you two are, do you drink or smoke?

Are you working during the day? Is baby breast fed or bottle fed? It’s literally about shift sleeping - also do you have anyone to come stay with you maybe a couple of days to give some respite? My mum stayed with me for the first two weeks as my DH had to work and I couldn’t have done it without her cooking for us and looking after baby during the day in gaps of feeding while I rested/slept. Also don’t do too much! Avoid too many trips out etc (unnecessary use of energy) I would say from about 1 month old we tried to dim the lights down stairs and put baby to sleep in the Moses basket - our next to me acted as the upstairs Moses basket holder - during the day when baby slept we carried on as normal and kept them near the window so they got light (they both had jaundice) this started training on night and day

Sleepyhead

My DH moved to the spare room. I had a next to me type cot but DS was having none of it. DH has a disability and can't cope without sleep.

Safe cosleeping. Get a sling for during the day, DS slept in one of those a bit, but mostly in my arms tbh. If he'll sleep in your arms after a feed let him do that during the day while your DW sleeps so that she can be awake more in the night.

It wasn't as bad after 8 weeks.

Safe co sleeping and if you can afford it an owner or snuza hero

Owlet not owner

Echoing other posts. Safe co sleeping. If you don't waken, best for you to be sleeping elsewhere. Baby and mother in a bed, no pillows near baby. I slept in warm clothing to reduce the amount of covers we used to reduce the risk of baby ending up beneath a duvet.

100% typical newborn behaviour I'm afraid - all natural and normal.

This is how we survived personally. By day baby napped mainly in my arms, sometimes in daddy's arms while he was off so I could rest and sometimes in the pram. A good 75% of day time sleep was in my arms though so I spent a lot of time on the sofa breastfeeding and watching a ton of tv.

By night, it was just a case of persevering with the next to me crib & is taking it in turns trying to settle him.

Very, very hard but gets easier as they get older.

Congratulations.