2 week-old newborn unsafe sleeping

[Max1mus711]

Hello,

This is my first post on Mumsnet. I am the proud father of a 16 day-old boy. My wife and I are delighted to have him. It's an amazing experience so far.

We are having a lot of problems with sleep. Our baby will not settle in his Next-to-Me crib at night nor in the pram we have bought specifiucally for sleeping during the day downstairs. He will go to sleep but will then wake up 10 to 20 minutes later and cry.

He will sleep chest-to-chest on us, but this is really worrying for me at night. He will not sleep at night in the crib until he's really exhausted at 3-4am most nights. His first sleep in our bedroom is always on Mum, who tries to stay awake but sleeps very lightly with him on her chest.

I know that this is a SIDS issue and frowned upon massively by most, but I really can't see a way out of this at the moment. We cannot not sleep as I am disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and cannot stay awake to watch my wife.

We've tried co-sleeping but he wakes up. We swaddle him, which he likes, but this doesn't stop him waking up and crying.

It's really getting to me and causing me anxiety, which is worsening my chronic fatigue symptoms and is not good for baby. It seems like we're in a nightmare trap where we have to put our baby at risk in order to survive.

Does anyone have any help/advice/support to offer this very worried Dad?

Thanks.

Please research the safety advice from the Lullaby Trust regarding Sleepyheads

My DD is 6 weeks old now, the first 2 weeks were awful and she just wouldn’t settle in her next 2 me.

Then our Ewan dream sheep died.. and she slept better! So then we spent a week trying to figure out a bit of a routine, I think it’s never too early for a routine.

We now do, cold milk all day, kept downstairs during the day, stopped putting her in the carrycot or cribs for daytime sleep, daytime sleep in only in her swing or rocker or in my arms.
Then 7pm baby is taken upstairs, lamp turned on, main light off, dim and quiet. (Tv is on but quiet lee than In the day as we want her to be able to sleep through noise)

Quality time in bed for 30 minutes of skin to skin cuddles and whispering.
7:30pm is bath time, DD loves having a bath and we use the nighttime Johnson’s bath wash. Smells lovely and relaxing. Out the bath, a quick massage with Johnson’s bedtime lotion.
Sleepsuit on, then a sleeping bag.. we used to swaddle but she breaks her arms free and kicks the swaddle off so I don’t think she likes it, she lives her sleeping bag though.
8pm - big, hot/warm milk.. she will usually fall asleep as we wind her. Then she laid straight down into the next 2 me with piano lullaby’s playing from my phone.

She’s asleep in 5 minutes without a fuss 9/10 times.

She wakes for 1, maybe 2 feeds. Feeds and goes straight back to sleep. We’ve had several nights of her sleeping all the way through this week so I’m hoping the routine is working well enough to carry on. Although I’m totally prepared for a growth spurt or sleep regression to come at any moment.

Hi OP,

My DD initially wouldn't sleep anywhere other than in my chest; look up the '4th trimester'; it's very common for newborns to not want to sleep anywhere than other on their mum or dad.

Is your wife breastfeeding? Just asking as whilst you say co-sleeping doesn't work, if your wife is breastfeeding it might be worth giving it another go with just her and baby in the bed.

If you're concerned about safety I co-slept with my DD whilst I breastfed, and I was initially petrified at doing it because of SIDS etc, but based on advice I received I was reassured that it's considered safe if neither of you smoke/drink, it's just your wife and baby in the bed, your wife removes pillows, makes sure the duvet/blanket doesn't go past her waist, baby's face is at boob level and your wife sleeps in what is essentially the recovery position. Your LO should get the closeness and immediate boob access that he needs.

For a good few months my DH and I slept in shifts in different rooms; it was the only way any of us got any sleep. The newborn phase is very hard, but if you're really struggling ask your health visitor for tips and you'll hopefully find something that works for you.

Totally normal, but wow it's a shock isn't it. Both ours slept on my chest for the first 4 weeks then safe bedsharing for 18m and 9m respectively. Worked much better for us to be in seperate rooms so my husband could come and get baby at 5/6 and have them for an hour or two before he went to work. Agree with the shifts, she can go up to bed early and you keep baby downstairs for a couple of hours etc. Just do whatever gets you through.

Completely understand. We were the same as you for the first few weeks. My husband worried as baby would only sleep on me. You need to both persevere with the next to me. We had three nights of hell but then baby got used to it and we could all sleep soundly.

And yes.. sleeping in shifts. Not easy with CFS but if you can work out what part of the night you can function best to give your partner a couple of hours solid sleep this could be a god send. I used to go to sleep early while my husband stayed up with the baby and then be awake / on 'duty' until 5am. If I slept from 5 until 7, I could function during the da. Also, somehow, my babies could sleep on their own for short periods during the day so I would too. My husband could not function between 12 and 3am so he always slept through that bit. Separate rooms with ear plugs too!!

Ah man I remember that!

I also remember thinking everyone had a solution and none of the worked. My baby just wouldnt sleep next to me - had to be on me. Eventually my husband barricaded me into an upright position and I slept holding my son like that. When he was tiny he couldnt move - there was nowhere he could go. It wasnt ideal but we got there eventually.

You're doing great, I know how tough it is x

Also second buying a sleepyhead.

Or swaddling

Echo all the safe co sleeping advice. Please please do not buy a sleepyhead for night time sleeping, they aren't designed or tested for babies to be left in them unattended (ie when the caregivers are asleep). It will get better but it sounds like normal newborn behaviour.

Congratulations x

I can recommend the basisonline.org.uk for science based information about infant sleep. It should help you in making informed decisions about infant sleep. I followed the safe sleep 7 and coslept with my second child. My first was bottled fed and slept in a cot. The most dangerous thing that can happen is accidental cosleeping on an unsafe surface like a sofa so avoiding the risk of that should be your first priority.

Could you stay awake and look after baby say 5pm- 9pm ... let mum sleep then ?/ before your normal bed time? So the rest of the night is a little easier? We had similar issue though not the chronic fatigue issue so I can understand it’s harder .. I also ended up binge watching Netflix on the tv in the bedroom ... or u tube videos with ear phones in .

I could breast feed to sleep and gently slide into his snuz pod provided ... I had wanted snuz pod with hot water bottle so there was no change in temperature and snuz pod had a Muslim smelling of me or a shirt wrapped round his s ... it would last about 40 - mins to and hour top and I admit I think he was about a month old by then but we could get sleep in ... we have a spare room so one parent would sleep in spare room for sleep ...

Please do not warm up baby’s mattress with a hot water bottle, it is a SIDS risk.

Do you burp thoroughly? This always helped my DD get to sleep better. Try to establish a solid night time routine of bath and bed, making sure it’s calm and dark in the bedroom. Once you put him in the cot keep a hand on his chest lightly for a bit and move gradually.

Good luck! It really can be hell.

Surely it's only a SIDS risk if you keep the bottle in the cot? I used to warm the cot and then remove the bottle just before I put the baby in

I had this issue and like you it created a lot of anxiety for me. I tried putting the pillows such that as I fell asleep I would startled myself back awake, all I succeeded in doing was really hurting my neck. In the end I found the safe sleeping advice and began feeding my son on my side in bed in a C shape with no pillows around and blankets (no duvet) safely below him. This relieved my stress massively. I suggest you and your wife try this.
Also, on another note, is your son very gassy or do they have reflux? This could explain only wanting to sleep in an upright position. It might be worth asking the doctor about these issues.

You can also try totally slowing down any attempts to put the baby down in the crib, wait til he is totally fast asleep- so the floppy arm tests, and then place down in actual slow motion so the process takes a good few mins, the sliding the final hand out can be done in tiny movements in tome with his breathing. Also agree with having lightly warmed the crib first so no sudden change in temperature and having the mum- scented muslin in there.

I’ve also elevates the one side(head end) of our next 2 me, just in case she ever gets reflux, she’s never seemed to like being completely flat

@vanessalightfoot I think I have slight PTSD from doing that- your post has just brought it all back!!

Have you tried swaddling? My little girl couldn't stay asleep unless she was swaddled

Both mine didn’t settle in there crib however my mum got me a Moses basket stand and a really good pram sized mattress to place on next to me! Guessing the hood in the pram helped them feel more secure !They slept and settled a lot better I also used a grow bag and a flat sheet tucked under there arms for the feeling of security really worked for both mine hope this helps

Does the baby take a soother? I found that helped slightly.

Same with my 9 week old at the beginning. I had no choice but to stay awake while at hospital as I didn’t want to drop or roll onto him - DH / DM’s visits meant I could give them the baby to hold for my sleep. When we got home we took it in turns to stay awake while the other person slept with him on their chest. When he’s a little older you might be able to get him to sleep deeper by topping up with expressed breastmilk.

What helped me personally, was doing shifts and one person sleep somewhere else, a sleepyhead (which I think might be controversial?) but worked wonders for us, and a white noise app called "sound sleeper" using the vacuum cleaner function! Also a Ewan the dream sheep, a bath before bed for relaxation & gro bags from the gro company which I believe are on the SIDS website!

Good luck! It won't last and you will get through it!

Just wondering also if you have a baby sleeping bag? Might they be cold? Mine used to love going in sleeping bag. These are quite pricey - you can get cheaper ones

https://www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/home-and-sleep/baby-and-toddler-sleeping-bags.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgP2D0sbK5wIViaztCh2oSwfaEAAYAiAAEgKINDD_BwE