My stepdaughter - can't stop thinking about it.

[hotstepper4]

I would like some thoughts on how dh and I have handled a serious issue with my dsd aged 11.

I came into her life when she was 5. I met her dad, my dh, about 6 months after he'd split with dsd's dm. I met her around 9 months later.

Since then, we had her and her dbs, my dss10, and dss7, eow and after school 1 day a week. We built a strong and caring relationship over that time, she loved my ds9, and I'd say we were very close. I'd frequently tell her I loved her. We'd have days out together.

6 months ago, completely out of the blue, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore. She gave no explanation. Their relationship had always been great, in fact it was the kind of relationship I wish I'd had with my dad. Dh was understandably upset and confused, and she either ignored his messages, or responded with nasty comments such as "I wish you'd die" "why are you my dad" even "you bastard" 😔

About 4 months into this period, she messaged and asked to see dh and I down the park. We spent 2 hours with her, and she was light, happy, holding hands with dh and hugging us. Nothing was said about the estrangement as dh didn't want to push it.

She then began ignoring his messages again until Xmas when she unexpectedly showed up with her brothers for visitation. She was very angry though that they had presents and she didn't (because we'd posted hers to her dms, we didn't think we would be seeing her) and stormed out of the house after 2 hours, back to her mums who lives close by.

We saw her again last week, she was fine with me but wouldn't speak to dh at all.

Finally, we saw her at the weekend. She was screaming and crying as soon as she came in the house. I begged her to tell me why, what was wrong, she kept saying "you know, you know".. Then it came out that she believes that dh hit her, and I stood and watched while it was happening.

This catagorically did not happen. Dh has never touched her, much less me watch and allow it to happen. I asked her why she was saying these things, but she got more and more hysterical, saying that she cries herself to sleep because she replays dh hitting her in her head 😢

She ran out then, dh was in tears, he said he has to do as she wishes and stop trying to see her because if this gets worse he risks being investigated and losing his sons too. He wrote her a letter, telling her that he loves her so much but will not be trying to see her anymore as its clearly making them both so ill and sad.

I'm heartbroken. What could have triggered all this? Her dm is extremely bitter against dh and always has been. We had to get cafcass involved once because she kept telling my dsc that they should not love daddy as much as her, and that they had 2 lives and not one.

Anyone?

Shit sorry I did do paragraphs on my phone 🤬

Gosh, that's sounds really traumatic and difficult for all of you. I can't advise as I haven't been in a step situation. Is it possible for your DH or DSD to get counselling (separately). Maybe she simply had a dream about it and it grew in her mind?

BlueJava thanks for the reply. She has been having counselling to my knowledge. My thought was perhaps she wants to hate dh to please her dm and has imagined a situation to hate him, believed in it so hard it became real to her?

Can you think of any incident at all - one which is tiny, trivial, so that you haven't considered it - that could have triggered this? If contact stopped suddenly, and she was really angry about it, then I think

I'm afraid I wouldn't be impressed with my DH if he just gave up. I get that her mother is difficult, I get that he would be worried about his other DC, but his DD is accusing him of something serious, is extremely distressed and that's not something he can just leave for his DD's sake. She needs help with processing whatever it is that is going on. Is her DM and their home life there stable? Should he be trying to find out more about that?

NoSquirrels - I really can't. Unless it was so trivial that I don't even remember it? I have been racking my brains but haven't come up with anything.

She's always been quite a difficult girl. Everything had to be on her terms. If she wasn't happy, no one could be happy!....

I understand that some people would call dh a cop out and a bad dad for giving up. But his boys are all he has now and he's so terrified of losing them too. Plus, he's so hurt.

If you believe he definitely didn’t do it it’s very possible that she has imagined this and forgotten it’s not real, maybe due to something else she has seen or a situation badly explained. As a child (about 6-7) my aunts dog died and I was convinced he had died because I had kicked her a few days before and my aunt had become very upset and angry and shouted at me for ages a few days later; I felt horrible for years and actually carried around that guilt and never even brought up the dog at all until I was around 17 and he came up in conversation. I broke down crying to my aunt and apologising; she was totally confused and after I explained what I remembered she told me the dog had died of cancer, was super old and Of course is never kicked the dog. Was so so bizarre but I carried that guilt for years.

Maybe your dsd has done something similar, it may be helpful to discuss when this supposedly happened and talk in detail about the day; this may shake loose some inaccuracies in her memory x

She’s 11. He’s an adult. She will see the letter as abandonment, won’t she? I imagine it is incredibly hard. However, it is the responsibility of a parent to hold their children’s emotions when they can’t. This sounds as if her mother is manipulating her if I’m reading this correctly. If this is the case, I’m sorry but I think both parents are failing her.

I’m not surprised you can’t stop thinking about it. My dd is 11. I could not imagine writing any kind of letter with those words in them. Much as she is growing up, she is in many ways still a little girl. 11 yos have massive, massive hormonal shifts and their emotions are all over the place. Again, to reiterate, it is his job to hold her emotions, especially when her mother is not.

I have no doubt that the scenario she has concocted in her head did not happen. However, I concede that its also not as simple as lying. I believe she genuinely has made herself believe it happened.

It's all very well people saying that dh abandoned dsd and I can see how it looks that way, however when your daughter is crying at the thought of seeing you, physically shakes in your presence and will go as far as this not to see you.. Dh feels like he's doing her a kindness.

I think she needs to see a psychologist, however her dm will not entertain it.

Are you still able to meet her, OP?
Can you ask her where this assault took place? What you were all doing, what was said etc, see if this supposed memory has any substance?
Reading your OP also made me wonder if there are any MH issues popping up?
Or has her Mum planted it all?

It sounds like her dm planted this in her head and has made her believe it. She has given cause previously so why wouldnt she do something like this?
Maybe the dm didnt like all of you becoming another family unit?
was she closest to your dh than her brothers? If so, possibly the dm had something to do with it.

I'd put my money on her mother putting this into her head. We had this situation in our family. Basically my brother had a little boy with his girlfriend when they were teenagers. His girlfriend was suffering from post natal depression and the relationship between her and my brother wasn't very good. My brother was working full time, his girlfriends PND was very bad and so asked my aunt for help, to look after their little boy while he and his girlfriend sorted things out. It was meant to be for a week however it ran on to a rolling arrangement in that my nephew lived with my aunt however stayed with my brother a couple of nights a week (he and girlfriend had broken up by this point). A few years down the line, when my nephew was around 6, my brother was settled down, in a stable relationship and still seeing my nephew on a regular basis. However said aunt didn't like his new partner and resented her "influence" on my brother (my aunt is controlling and narcisstic and didn't like that his new partner helped him to stand up to her). All of a sudden, my nephew was scared to come to stay with my brother and his partner, making all kinds of claims, the my brother had hit him, that brothers partner screamed at him etc. He started wetting the bed and saying that he didn't want to see my brother anymore, which had come out of nowhere as they had previously had an amazing bond. They got someone from social work involved to speak to my nephew who repeated these claims and stated that he didn't want to see my brother anymore.

It was pure and utter manipulation from my aunt. I would bet my bottom dollar that these allegations are coming from your step daughters mother. It is very easy to plant false memories inside a childs head.

Unfortunately it's really tricky to figure out what to do in scenario's like this which are not of the norm, couple that with the other parent not supportive of a relationship between the daughter and father then it won't end well.
I actually think it was nice he wrote her a letter perhaps though it could have been a way for her to still communicate with him rather than telling her he wouldn't speak to her anymore as to not upset her.
It could have been a way to keep lines of communication open for them both?

Mlou, I'm sorry that happened to him. It does sound similar, will discuss with dh.

Pinkcrayon, dh did say in the letter that he will always love her and be there for her if ever she needs him.

Don’t give up on her. It’s a tricky age and it could be a variety of things going on. I understand your DH being worried about his relationship with his other kids but I think he needs to keep trying with her.

At the same age my dad stopped having a relationship with me and my sisters because he started a new family. I was always so disappointed in him for not trying harder. Like others have said he’s the adult and she is the child. I don’t think anyone should give up and their kids no matter how difficult the situation.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I’m an not trying to judge as I am sure it has been heartbreaking for all of you.

@hotstepper4 sorry btw, I didn't mean to turn your post into my situation. It was just to put perspective on yours and show you that this kind of manipulation can and does happen. It's certainly worth discussing with your husband. Perhaps also discuss with CAFCASS or similar. Maybe the school has a psychologist or mental health nurse that could talk to her.

Best of luck in getting it sorted out. She will come to realise when she's a bit older the truth and she will see what is what.

My dsis and ssil had a falling out two years ago. Before it my niece was extremely close to my dsis. Now ahe looks scared everytime my dsis is around. This was literally overnight. Looks like something was put into your DSD's head.

It sounds like your dh wants to hurt her tbh in response to the hurt he has experienced. He should try to resist this urge.

He could instead be saying that he doesn't recall hurting her and that he will be careful not to do anything to frighten her in the future. That he loves her and won't give up. And he could apologise about the Christmas presents (even if you weren't in the wrong).

'Pinkcrayon, dh did say in the letter that he will always love her and be there for her if ever she needs him.'

That's nice, perhaps he could give it a while and write another just to keep the lines of communication open. I don't doubt for a second how hard this is BTW.

' He could instead be saying that he doesn't recall hurting her and that he will be careful not to do anything to frighten her in the future. '
Also agree with this

Olivejuice also provides a good prospective of a child of their own experience. Try as hard as you can to keep thinking from the child's perspective, 11 is such a tricky age and if her mum is as toxic as you say then it won't be making your step daughter feel very good at all.
Just keep up the reassurance of love.

She needs to see a specialist counsellor in my opinion.
There could have been some abuse that she can't articulate - and has made up the stories about her father hitting her instead.
I've know a case similar to this (I'm an ex-teacher)
Sorry.

What fastliving said (above).

I suspect there's some abuse somewhere. Does the mother have a boyfriend? If the boyfriend or another male friend of the mother hit her it would easy for the mother to say 'you imagined x hit you, it was your dad who did it, can't you remember? you told me at the time' etc etc.

It's frighteningly easy for adults to manipulate young minds. This must be hell for you and your dh, but it seems you may be able to keep the lines of communication open and gradually encourage her to visit your home again.

Definitely her mum poisoning her mind

Unfortunately, I think something happened to her (most likely nothing to do with your husband/you) and she’s trying to tell you. No child acts like this if everything is ok. I would get everything/everyone involved to get to the bottom of this. She needs you now and is showing you that so please come to her help x

Your DH has abandoned his DD when she needs him the most. What if she's being abused elsewhere? Rather than trying to protect her it sounds like he's trying to protect himself

Thank you everyone, for your input I really do appreciate it.

It's difficult for dh when dsd point blank refuses to see him, and her dm makes no effort to facilitate this.

Dsd will not listen to reason. When questioned, she becomes hysterical. She's independent and will run away if she wants to. She's addicted to her iPhone, which he bm puts no limits on and allows unrestricted access to.

I'm not sure what else we can do. I asked dsd last weekend, what can I do, what do you want. All she wants is for dh to stop trying to see her. When a child is literally begging for something like this.. I didn't see any other option than to just give her her way..

The dm does not have a partner. To my knowledge, she's not had one since she and dh split 6 years ago.

She still needs help even if she's making that difficult for you.