My stepdaughter - can't stop thinking about it.

[hotstepper4]

I would like some thoughts on how dh and I have handled a serious issue with my dsd aged 11.

I came into her life when she was 5. I met her dad, my dh, about 6 months after he'd split with dsd's dm. I met her around 9 months later.

Since then, we had her and her dbs, my dss10, and dss7, eow and after school 1 day a week. We built a strong and caring relationship over that time, she loved my ds9, and I'd say we were very close. I'd frequently tell her I loved her. We'd have days out together.

6 months ago, completely out of the blue, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore. She gave no explanation. Their relationship had always been great, in fact it was the kind of relationship I wish I'd had with my dad. Dh was understandably upset and confused, and she either ignored his messages, or responded with nasty comments such as "I wish you'd die" "why are you my dad" even "you bastard" 😔

About 4 months into this period, she messaged and asked to see dh and I down the park. We spent 2 hours with her, and she was light, happy, holding hands with dh and hugging us. Nothing was said about the estrangement as dh didn't want to push it.

She then began ignoring his messages again until Xmas when she unexpectedly showed up with her brothers for visitation. She was very angry though that they had presents and she didn't (because we'd posted hers to her dms, we didn't think we would be seeing her) and stormed out of the house after 2 hours, back to her mums who lives close by.

We saw her again last week, she was fine with me but wouldn't speak to dh at all.

Finally, we saw her at the weekend. She was screaming and crying as soon as she came in the house. I begged her to tell me why, what was wrong, she kept saying "you know, you know".. Then it came out that she believes that dh hit her, and I stood and watched while it was happening.

This catagorically did not happen. Dh has never touched her, much less me watch and allow it to happen. I asked her why she was saying these things, but she got more and more hysterical, saying that she cries herself to sleep because she replays dh hitting her in her head 😢

She ran out then, dh was in tears, he said he has to do as she wishes and stop trying to see her because if this gets worse he risks being investigated and losing his sons too. He wrote her a letter, telling her that he loves her so much but will not be trying to see her anymore as its clearly making them both so ill and sad.

I'm heartbroken. What could have triggered all this? Her dm is extremely bitter against dh and always has been. We had to get cafcass involved once because she kept telling my dsc that they should not love daddy as much as her, and that they had 2 lives and not one.

Anyone?

Has this started with the unrestricted iPhone? Is she trying to articulate a fear of something that she has been exposed to online?

My 10yo was very upset last week, crying about something that she said had happened at school, but I was fairly certain hadn’t happened. She was so insistent and distressed, yet it didn’t quite make sense. It turned out that she was worried about something that she thought might happen in the future. After some time, she was calm and we talked through her fears. She simply didn’t have the ability to separate her worry from the reality.

This sounds like one of 1 situations here -

1. Her mother has poisoned her mind and planted something that has fabricated into this. I would not at all be surprised if this was the case if she is as you say. This is extremely common in separated families.

2. Something else is going on behind the scenes, shes crying out for attention, something to be noticed. She's seen something somewhere and maybe fabricated something so minuscule of even create a scenario in her head that she believes is real. She's suffering abuse elsewhere. Or simply she is just a troubled child. Maybe she feels some sort of abandonment from her father, he has a life away from her that she isn't always involved in so she has made this up to lash out but genuinely believes it.

The absolute WORST thing your DH can do is abandon her! That letter was a really really bad idea, I'm sorry OP. Coming from a broken family, my father set up a new life with my SM and her kids. Although I saw him every weekend I felt so separated from that family, like I was in the way, left out. I have no doubt that my dad loves me but he never ever made me feel involved and he always put his other family 1st. I was an inconvenience. I think maybe if you can try and speak to DSD on your own, and also definitely involve her mother, speak to her separately maybe?

Your DH needs to fight for her - whatever has happened, this is exactly what she wants!

Her mum has convinced her that this happened. I'd sit step daughter down, and ask why she's saying these things, and keep reiterating that they did not happen. I'd also seek to meet with the mother, although she sounds like a nutter, so that might backfire?

Whatever's underneath it, your dsd needs to feel reassured. Your dh telling her in writing, so that she can read over and over again, that he won't contact her anymore, will simply serve to support her fears. Really poor move from him. Sorry I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but effectively he has now confirmed that he is a danger to her.

A better move would have been continue to see her, but in a public place, so that she can be reassured that nothing can happen, and continue their relationship that way. Not abandon her.

And get in touch with her school to see if they can get to the bottom of it, or access some sort of counselling.

Sorry OP but that letter was extremely ill advise and reflects poorly. I imagine it has and will do a lot of damage. She is 11 and it is obvious how that reads to an 11 year old, and she now has 'evidence' that he has 'given up' on her. She will only hear the sentiment of that and is too young (and distressed) to understand the adult concept that he is pushing, as though it is a break up or similar.

I would have him continue to regularly write to her leaving his feelings out of it and making it positive and reassuring. She sounds from your descriptions as though she requires medical support. He is her parent, are his parents liasing with a GP over support for her mood/thoughts?

Something has happened, be it an incident or a mental health issue. Have you asked her exactly when the alleged incident was or assured her that it is ok if she has thought that might have happened but it didnt, because she felt upset.

Tough scenario OP.

Hi OP

I dealt with this with my DD a few years ago. Without giving too much info we had a perfectly normal evening at a family event - 6 days later I got a call from SS detailing my ‘assault’ on DD. The call to SS had come from DDs dad/stepmother.

I am happy to chat more on private message - but all I will say is it takes enormous amounts of reserve and just sheer grit to get through it - BUT I genuinely believe (4 years later) we are through it 100%. Keep the faith and stand your ground!

Thank you again everyone, for their input.

I totally get why people don't think the letter was necessarily a good idea. However, this is a cumulative reaction to 6 months of this horrendous behaviour from her. I understand she is young, and disturbed, and it breaks my heart because to me she is still my 'little bee' and I have tried so hard to reach her.

Dh has a long history with depression and this has made him pretty ill on occasion. He has written this letter for the sake of his own health too.

I like the suggestion of sending another letter, perhaps in a few months. The idea of us giving up on her completely isn't one that sits right with me at all, and we won't be doing that.

Dh is going to call social services tomorrow and ask for their advice, and whether he can request a referral to a child psychologist without the dm's consent. Does anyone know if that would be possible?

sending another letter, perhaps in a few months.

A few months? Wow. How about doing it this weekend FFS.

Can your dh try phone calls, video chats, even regular letters or emails, as a way of keeping in contact at a level your dsd feels comfortable with? I don't think no contact will help her to relearn feeling safe when she's with her dad.

The issue is, dsd does not want contact, in any form. She won't answer his texts. She wouldn't face time, or answer his calls. She has said that she wants him to die!

Obviously she is in mental pain, but from dh pov, one day he had a loving daughter, next day she loathed him for no reason whatsoever!

Your dh should not be acting to protect his own wellbeing over the wellbeing of his daughter - it just isn't right. He should be sending another letter now.

I agree with another letter now. You need to leave the door open to her, keep inviting her to family days out, special occasions even if she doesn’t answer the texts, just don’t stop.
My dad stopped contact with us because he put himself first/was easier for him. You don’t want your DH to be like my waste of oxygen father.
You want to be able to look back on this time in your life and be able to say ‘we did everything we could’. If she still decides to have no contact at least you’ll have no regrets.
I do know someone who had similar behaviour at the same age, turned out they were being abused. It was horrific. I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here but you wouldn’t forgive yourself if it was/or something similar and you were not there for her.

Olivejuice you do make a good point. Dh is going to report this behaviour to the ss and ask them to investigate. I think we'll also send a little note and maybe some chocolate in the post.

Its just hard. It's all been such a shock. She literally turned on a dime - I remember the last weekend she was here before it happened. It was just after her birthday, and we went to Claires Accessories to spend her birthday money. She was fine. She was laughing, happy. She and dh did some silly dancing at the station while we waited for the train. She gave him a hug before she left.

2 weeks later, she refused to come over and the rest is history.

It just doesnt make any sense.

How awful OP, you all have my heartfelt sympathies.

What’s puzzling me is what her brothers think, and why - if her mother is backing her up on her accusations - they’re still allowed to visit. Surely either he’s a violent danger to children or he’s not. (Of course he’s not!) So why would their mum say he’s hit DSD but is safe around the boys?